While I did everything I could to maintain the projection, First Squad obliged me by rapidly flipping through for the scanners the particular books I pointed out. I especially wanted the art history book, and explained that I wanted to see if I can get it reproduced physically as a present for Siame's birthday (so a lot of care was needed in scanning it), and this naturally was a secret. Fortunately, I put so much focus on that one that even when I passed out it endured for about half an hour and they were able to get every page properly scanned.
Having it turned into a book (with suitable translation of the titles) isn't necessarily difficult, but having it done without everyone on three planets knowing about it and Siame reading it as an interface release before I'd even given it to her is the hard part. Maze is going to try and wangle something. I didn't even read the kids any of the stories First had scanned for me because I want to wait until after Siame's birthday, and instead picked a smallish Kolaren book to read to them.
It's the first time I've had a secret from Kaoren, for all it's a really mild one, but I felt very strange not telling him about it. I think I have enough of an understanding of his Sights to at least not be carrying a big "keeping a secret" flag when he talks to me, though that's probably working because he's not here right now. He's not even sure he'll be able to make it back for Siame's birthday.
And no Lira today, which worries me.
Wednesday, October 29
A Heavy Place
I dreamed of the Oriath expedition last night, of Kaoren and Halla and Tsur Selkie comparing their impressions of what was happening to little balls which a technician was tossing down the gravity ramp. They were bouncy rubbery balls which the technician sent ricocheting up and down at the beginning of the ramp, but which then on the next bounce up barely hopped an inch and then squashed flat to the stone, then crumbled.
I watched the next attempt, trying to work out a weirdness which I realised felt like Lira – it felt like Lira was there beside me, though I couldn't see her. And I realised I could, just barely, hear whispering.
That totally spooked me and I made myself wake up. Ketzaren was sitting on the side of my bed, waiting to see whether I was going to have a crisis, and let me squeeze her hand for a bit before having me explain what I'd been visualising. That, of course, created more than a bit of a problem, because they don't want to risk me getting mentally trapped again, and don't want me to be in Pandora if that's about to happen. Fortunately it was nearly morning and I'd had a reasonable rest, so I wasn't in immediate danger of passing out or anything, and after some back and forth discussion they decided that a few days back on Tare were in order, just to make sure, but that they could use the opportunity to poke me at the Oriath site first, to see if I could tell them anything useful.
This was a plan which didn't exactly please anyone, but beyond taking the "nuke the site from orbit" option, the technicians are starting to doubt they can get at the power stone for the Oriath site. Not anywhere near as quickly as we want. So after breakfast Mara stayed at Pandora with the kids, and the rest of First Squad took me to the nearest platform town to Oriath, where we were collected by a ship which took us the rest of the way. It was southern hemisphere, and quite cold, but not far enough south to be snowy. The 'palace' itself was covered in climbing vines which had dropped their leaves, so that it looked like it had been tied down with woody ropes.
They didn't want to risk me being there too long, so I arrived, glanced about, and then First and Fourth joined up to take me down along the main corridor only partially cleared of ancient corpses to look at the ramp.
Kaoren was being particularly upright and silent, with his eyes half-lidded. He loathes the 'poke Devlin at it' method. And it didn't help that this was one of those times where I wasn't feeling comfortable at all, having to force myself go through with it.
By the time we reached the ramp my heart-rate was spiking out of sheer scaredy-cat, and I leaned against Kaoren in a not very mission-like attitude as I streamed to them the whispering I could hear. And then over the interface I suggested that most everyone wander a little way away because I could still feel Lira there and I was hoping she would manifest herself.
Everyone except Kaoren, Maze and Tsur Selkie went off around a corner, and Maze and Tsur Selkie stood as far away from me as they were willing to go, and then I said out loud: "I'd really like to talk to you, Lira."
When she appeared, she was kind of tucked against my leg and behind me, as if hiding from having to look directly at the ramp.
"I'll try not to cry all over the place this time," I said, having to clutch Kaoren rather a bit to stop myself from being visibly upset. "We're trying to find a way to get further down."
"That's where you think this room is," Lira said, sounding very subdued. "Can you hear it talking?"
"Yes."
"What are you planning to do if you get down there?"
"Silence it," said Kaoren, his voice quiet and even and firm. "We don't understand what they did well enough to undo it gracefully. We can only try to pull it apart and hope we don't destroy everything else along with it. We don't know what will happen to you, Liranadestar."
I'm glad he was there. I don't think I could have said that to her. She looked up at him, this terribly grave, measuring stare. Then said: "It's the words which are making the things you put there fall apart," she said. "The words are eating them."
She vanished, disappearing from underneath my hand – and out of my senses. I felt too sick about it all to even talk, but I watched as they tossed a couple more balls down the ramp, and they now have a log of what I heard, showing that the quality and strength of the whispers changes when you toss something down there.
First stayed at the site, and Fourth was flown back to the platform town with me, and we hopped through Kalasa to Pandora, and we're all on our way to Tare now – including Siame and Eeli. Seeing Eeli in medical was a shock, but I think perhaps I'm glad I got the chance. Even though I still can't sense any hint of her inside the body they're keeping alive, I asked if I could spend some time with her, and told her all about Taarel's hair, and how I think Inisar likes Taarel, and how much everyone misses her.
After that, I managed to talk Kaoren into getting some sleep – he looks to me like he hasn't been sleeping since Fourth was sent back to Oriath, and when I need to go to sleep, I want him not to be exhausted. The kids and I sat next to him and played games most of the trip, with me being very reassuringly not ill and not vomiting and not in a coma. They've tanked now too, and most of the rest of Fourth, and I'm pretty tired, but I'm holding out till we're 'home'. Not much longer.
A couple of days on Tare has made my birthday plans for Siame fall apart rather, since I doubt she'll be returning to Muina with us, and barring dramas we're due to go back the day before her birthday. I'm trying to decide whether to buy something for her. It's made it easier to deal with Kaoren and Rye's presents, though. Kaoren's is something I've been experimenting with for a while – holding a nice stone I picked up and trying to fill it with feelings which he'll be able to sense with Place. The problem is I can't tell if it's worked. At least I can shop for Rye and maybe for Sen as well while I'm here.
Thursday, October 30
Spiritual
After all that fuss, I slept without any dreams at all, let alone being trapped anywhere. Kaoren says that just showed that the tactic of moving me before I was drawn in worked.
Nice quiet day, anyway. I had no medical appointments, no training, and since Fourth Squad has this time as leave, Kaoren and I could spend a lot of time together, and he could spend the morning with Siame. He's not happy because she's chosen to go home to their parents (she's only just reached the point of not being tubed up, and will be a month or so in straight recovery mode). He doesn't consider it a healthy environment for her, but he's not arguing and is taking her home tomorrow (a complicated trip because she can't really sit up for long periods). I am thoroughly relieved that there's no suggestion I go with them, even though it is a bit weird to not meet or even talk to the parents of the person you're engaged to. With the interface, Kaoren could arrange that easily, and the fact that he hasn't does make me wonder what they've been saying to him. I have seen pictures of them, and also his brother – they've inescapably been drawn in by the publicity surrounding my engagement to Kaoren and were also minorly well-known beforehand, at least in art circles, but haven't been interested in discussing Kaoren and me with the press at all, beyond Kaoren's mother giving the Setari program a bit of a serve.
I put in a lot of shopping – noting with some awe the way the amount in my account keeps going up, earning interest and adding in my wages. I also surveyed the current tone of the gossip about me and the kids, not to mention the universe falling apart, the inadequacy of KOTIS, and the Cruzatch spies in our midst.
In the afternoon we were able to take the kids swimming. Zan couldn't make it, but Ys and Rye are confident enough now that they don't need a person devoted entirely to them. Still swimming with frantic inefficiency, but no longer with overtones of panic. Ys swims with dogged determination – nothing like being dropped in a lake to demonstrate to her that this is a useful skill – but Rye's really loving it, and I cheerfully taught him some different dives (notably bomb dives). Sen is still slightly scared by the whole thing, but is happy enough so long as one of us is sticking within arm's-length.
And she always radiates a deep sense of contentment when we do family activities. I think the older two still don't fully realise that Sen sought me out not because she wanted parents, but because she wants Ys and Rye to have parents. I don't feel particularly used, though. Sen does genuinely like me – her Sights may have told her I was useful, but it's the way Kaoren and I behave which prompts all those joyous little hugs, and she will turn to me for comfort if she's upset.
Kaoren and I were sitting in my window-seat discussing the kids' development, but I got a little distracted by how beautiful he is and started kissing him, and enjoying very much Kaoren's usual reaction whenever I try to take charge. We've already learned not to go stripping off in unlocked rooms, and were just getting to the stage of deciding we needed to move when we realised we had an audience: Ys and Lira. I had to laugh at them.
"You look like twins," I said, which drew a fierce scowl from both of them.
"No we don't," Ys said. They don't, either, other than having typical Lantaren colouring. Lira is very good-looking, a bit similar in structure to Sen or Zee, with long, thick hair. Ys is skinny, almost boyish, and her hair is thin and fine and uncooperative. And Rye keeps reminding me of Nils, but without all the smouldering. [Thankfully!]
"You do when you're both pulling a face like this," I said, twisting my mouth with scornful disgust, and laughing at them again because they both reacted with the same angry annoyance. "Hello again, Lira," I said, before they thought to storm off. "Is it harder to project all the way to another planet?"
"Is that where this is?" Lira glanced past us to the towering thunderstorm approaching outside. "I suppose it might be. They're building another trap for you, so maybe it's good that you're not there."
"Did you hear what kind of trap?" Kaoren asked. He'd handled the interruption with almost his usual aplomb, but with just a little extra colour in his cheeks – and a cushion in his lap.
"They're making it hard for me to get near," Lira said, shrugging. "I only heard two of them arguing about how it was a bad idea because it risked speeding something up or making something break, but the other one said that it doesn't matter if it speeds up because if they have a second touchstone they'll be able to finish off properly and then they won't have to worry about it at all again."
"Any idea when their trap will be ready?" I asked, and she shook her head.
"They're frightened," she said, with some considerable satisfaction. "They need to get you soon. Can you show me what this world looks like?"
She sounded angry when she asked, which was a combination of very justifiable rage at the people who'd kidnapped her, and an attempt to disguise a resurgence of the sheer horror of her half-life, which she seems to be trying not to focus on in preference to revenging herself by foiling the plans of Photoshop Gods.
There was no way I was going to say no to showing Lira anything, and all five of us ended up taking her on tour, since Sen woke up when Ys went to tell Rye, and attached herself to Lira in a pleased and very protective way. And the kids were useful tour-guides, too, since they insisted on pointing out the things which most interested them as residents of a non-technological world. Moving walkways and elevators and the KOTIS ship dock, and the roof with its whitestone expanse and the enormous storm roiling in the distance. The one thing we didn't see was many people. Kaoren told me that the bluesuits pretended they were having a drill, put KOTIS on alert, and actually cleared corridors rather than have too many people see her, since Lira is very secret still, and stands out incredibly in her formal Lantaren outfit.
Sen was asleep on her feet by the time we reached the roof, and Kaoren carried her back down to our apartment and put her to bed, while I trailed along making sure Rye kept walking in his enthusiasm to describe what travelling in the ships was like (they're all immensely impressed by the ships). Lira faded away before we'd quite reached the apartment, and I spent quite a while talking to Ys and Rye over the interface, since Rye's caught up with Ys in understanding just how bad a situation Lira is in, and went all white-faced and horrified when I couldn't promise him that we'd save her. As soon as I left them they both hopped into Sen's bed, which is a sign of how deeply upset by this they are.