The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (3 page)

TRUTH: People of all genders and sexual orientations have anal sex. While it’s true that many gay men do have anal sex, the actual statistics reveal a much smaller percentage than is widely believed: 50-60 percent have tried it and fewer than 30 percent have it regularly. Fellatio is a much more common practice among gay men.
¹
The idea that
all
gay men and
only
gay men have anal sex—one that the Religious Right would like us to believe—is simply not supported. Furthermore, there is no evidence that any single group defined by sexual orientation has a great deal more anal sex than any other group. In fact, depending on which survey you cite, from 20 to 45 percent of women have anal sex.
²

TRUTH: Men who like anal sex (whether they are on the giving or receiving end) like it because it feels good. Their desire for buttfucking has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, and this myth is fueled by homophobia. Heterosexual men who like anal sex are not repressing homosexual desires or tendencies. Their desire for a particular sexual activity does not rely on or “cancel out” their sexual preference in a partner. According to research, more gay men regularly practice fellatio than anal sex, and as my friend Audrey says, “How come no one ever asks: If a straight guy likes blow jobs, does that mean he’s really gay?”

TRUTH: Anal sex should not hurt—not even a little. If it hurts, you’re doing something wrong. Pain is your body’s way of saying, “This is not working for me right now,” and we must listen to our bodies. If you ignore your body’s warnings and continue, then you can hurt yourself. The experience may make you and your anus more tense the next time you try anal penetration. Your body remembers everything, so don’t try to fool it. You don’t have to “work through the pain” to get to the pleasure. That’s what you do at the gym, not during anal sex. With desire, relaxation, communication, and lots of lubrication, anal sex can be not only pain-free but arousing and orgasmic.

TRUTH: This is a particularly insidious myth about heterosexual women. Often, when we do hear about women having anal sex, the story goes something like this: The long-term boyfriend begged and begged, and finally his girlfriend gave in to his demands. Her boyfriend had a great time, but she did it just to please him and didn’t enjoy herself one bit.

We never hear stories about women who crave and enjoy anal play, women who initiate anal sex, or women who are more than happy to knock on their boyfriends’ back door. Women all over the world write to me, come to my workshops, buy my books and videos, and they’re just a small percentage of women everywhere who love anal sex.

TRUTH: Because anal and rectal tissue is so delicate, you can hurt yourself or someone else if you don’t exercise all the precautions I discuss in this book. However, if you go slow, use plenty of lube, and listen to your body, anal sex is just as safe as any other kind of penetration. In fact, anal sex can make your butt better than it was before. The more you practice controlling and relaxing your sphincter muscles, the more you are exercising and toning them (just like any other muscle) as well as increasing blood flow to the area, all of which can improve the health of your ass.

TRUTH: When done properly, frequent penetration will not lead to a gaping asshole, loose sphincter muscles, or a loss of control over bowel movements. During anal penetration, you’re not stretching or tearing the sphincter muscles; you are relaxing them to allow for comfortable penetration. With regular anal sex, you can get in touch with your sphincters and you may find that you actually have better bowel control than you did before.

TRUTH: During anal penetration, you can develop minute tears in the delicate rectal tissue, which give any virus (including HIV) a direct route into the bloodstream. You can contract any sexually-transmitted disease,
including HIV, from unprotected anal intercourse with an infected partner. Other forms of anal pleasure without safer sex barriers, including oral-anal contact, manual penetration, or sharing sex toys, can also be risky. However, anal sex does not
automatically
lead to AIDS. Anal sex practiced with common sense, safer sex, or an HIV-negative partner can be as safe as other sexual practices. (Read more about safer sex in Chapter 6 and STDs and HIV in Chapter 17.)

TRUTH: Well, this is actually a myth
and
a truth. Of course, anal sex doesn’t make you a bad person. However, for those of you who are turned on by the idea that anal sex is taboo, deviant, and naughty, don’t let me ruin your party. Lots of people actually like the fact that anal sex is naughty, and they may incorporate that into their anal play. The “naughtiness factor” is part of the turn-on.

What did you learn about anal sex during your childhood, your teens, your adulthood? We all have some “negative cultural baggage” associated with our butts. We may laugh it off, but the most damaging thing about these myths, which are pervasive in our society, is that they prevent people from considering anal pleasure or from acting on their anal desires. If you have fears and anxieties about anal pleasure, you need to voice them, to yourself and to your partner. By acknowledging and discussing the myths that affect us in a safe environment, we can begin to see the truths behind the myths. Only then can we begin to see anal sex for what it really can be—safe, fun, and pleasurable.

 

NOTES

1
Jack Morin,
Anal Pleasure and Health
(San Francisco: Yes/Down There Press, 1986), 9-12, and June M. Reinisch with Ruth Beasley,
The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex
(New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1990), 137.

2
Elliot Leland and Cynthia Brantley,
Sex on Campus: The Naked Truth About the Real Sex Lives of College Students
(New York: Random House, 1997); Robert T. Michael et al.,
Sex in America: A Definitive Survey
(New York: Little, Brown and Co., 1994); Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus,
The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior
(New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1993); Reinisch and Beasley,
The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex
; Morin,
Anal Pleasure and Health
.

 

QUOTES AND SIDEBARS

Sarah Miller, “The Slut Within,”
Details
(The Sex Issue), May 1997, 77. © by Sarah Miller, reprinted with permission of the author.

Susan Crain Bakos,
Kink: The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans
(New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1995), 7.

Although anatomy is part of science and medicine, the study of anatomy is less objective than one might think. There are a variety of differing interpretations and opinions about the internal structure of our bodies—especially the nuances and complexities of our sexual anatomy. This is certainly true for anorectal anatomy—which is nearly identical in men and women, except that men have a prostate gland. The discussion of anatomy and the anatomical illustrations in this book are based on my interpretations of several sources, including medical textbooks, sex manuals, and conversations with sex educators.
¹

The anus is the external opening of the anal canal. It can be one of our most sensual erogenous zones, but it is one too often feared, forgotten, and left unexplored. It is comprised of folds of soft tissue that give it a wrinkled or puckered appearance. The area around the opening is full of hair follicles; the hair may be fine and light, coarse and dark, or somewhere
in between. Everyone has hair surrounding the anus. Rich in blood vessels and nerve endings, the tissue of the anus is incredibly sensitive and responsive to touch and stimulation. Contrary to cultural mythology, with regular bathing and good personal hygiene, the anus is generally clean.

Two muscles—the anal sphincters—surround the anal opening (see illustrations 1 and 2). The external sphincter is closest to the opening. With patience and practice, you can voluntarily control the external sphincter, making it tense or relax. Imagine that you are holding something in your ass or expelling something. As you suck in and tense up or push down and release, you are exercising your external sphincter muscles. The internal sphincter is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary bodily functions like your breathing rate. This muscle ordinarily reacts reflexively; for example, when you are ready to have a bowel movement, the internal sphincter relaxes, allowing feces to move from the rectum to the anal canal and out the anus. Because the external and the internal sphincters overlap, they often work together. Think of the sphincter muscles as the gatekeepers to your ass. If they are relaxed, ready, aroused, and content, anal penetration will be comfortable and feel good. If they are tense, tight, or not warmed up, anal penetration will be uncomfortable, painful, or downright impossible.

Other surrounding muscles also contribute to sensations in the anal area. The perineal muscles support the area between the anus and the genitals. In this muscle group are the pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles), which support the pelvis from the pubic bone to the tailbone. For both men and women, these muscles contract during sexual arousal and climax; specifically, they usually contract randomly when you are aroused and rhythmically during orgasm.