The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (14 page)

Sex ed pros like Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, Carol Queen, Tristan Taormino, and others facilitate hands-on workshops designed to help participants become more sexually confident. Some teach particular skills, such as G-spot ejaculation, anal penetration, Tantric sexual practices, or the art of the striptease. All of them endorse masturbation as their core curriculum. Those who’ve devoted themselves to teaching others know that self-exploration is the key to sexual discovery. If you had the opportunity to attend a masturbation workshop, what would you like to learn? Would you wish to change some aspect of your masturbation practice? Would you want to devote more time and energy to thoroughly pleasuring yourself? Would you want to figure out how to get out of a rut—try a new position, a new toy, or a new style of stimulation?

Tristan Taormino got just that opportunity. Writing for
On Our Backs,
Tristan reported on her solo session with Betty Dodson, the “mother of masturbation.” Intrepid journalist that she is, Tristan arranged a private lesson. “I was so excited about this adventure I nearly peed in my pants,” she reported. “I was going to touch myself for Dr. Betty Dodson!”
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Like any responsible Ph.D., Betty began the session by taking a client history—in this case, talking to Tristan about her masturbation habits and practices. “I’ve been jerking off since I was 4 years old, so I was pretty comfortable with it, but I still believed that I could benefit from Betty’s expertise. You can never be too rich or too sexually skilled.” Confessing her citizenship in the Prozac nation, Tristan told Betty that she’d had difficulty reaching orgasm lately and would like to try coming on her back, rather than her tried-and-true method of lying on her stomach.

Intimacy—closeness to yourself in times of solitude or closeness to others in moments of sharing and connecting—reflects your inner world as almost nothing else does. And intimacy begins from the inside; it begins with your own self.

STEPHANIE DOWRICK

Betty led Tristan through a genital self-examination in which she praised Tristan’s shaved cunt, coached her as she began to touch herself, and offered up a basket of toys for Tristan’s edification, including a Crystal Wand (the
S
-shaped Lucite dildo designed for G-spot stimulation), a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a barbell that resembles the Kegelcisor, designed by Betty herself.

So what happened? Tristan earned an A+ in pelvic thrusting, but got a big “needs improvement” in the breathing department. Betty also pointed out that Tristan’s reliance on extreme direct clitoral pressure was self-limiting; if she could train herself to respond to other forms of stimulation, Tristan would be a more “versatile” lover. Apparently, even the
On Our Backs
Adventure Girl could learn some new tricks!

Tristan summed up the most important lesson of all: “Betty helped me remember something I knew, but sometimes tend to forget, especially when having really good sex with an amazing lover: The one person who holds the key to my pleasure is me.”

You don’t have to wait for an invitation from Dr. Dodson to brush up on your sexual skills. You can sign up for a hands-on sex workshop at the nearest woman-owned sex toy store. Even if you don’t have access to a sexuality workshop, class, or sex coach, you can rent an instructional video or DVD, like Fanny Fatale’s
How to Female Ejaculate,
in which a circle of women masturbate to ejaculation and orgasm, or Betty Dodson’s
Celebrating Orgasm,
which offers a glimpse of Dodson’s famous hands-on coaching techniques. (One sex toy saleswoman calls this genre the “Jack La Lanne of lesbian porn”—because you can follow along with the exercises at home.)

Time Out!

Do you ever feel like your insides have shattered into a million pieces? Or that if you have to endure one more breakup you swear you’ll give up girls forever? Time to take a break, sister.

Lots of people choose periods of celibacy, which is as legitimate a sexual choice as any other. For some, celibacy means not being sexual with others. For others, celibacy may also mean not being sexual with oneself. Both are fine options.

For some, taking a break from partner sex is a spiritual tool, a way to achieve a heightened awareness of one’s own energies and place in the universe. For others, it’s a strategy for coping with difficult life changes—a breakup, newly won sobriety, the death of a close friend, or the turbulence of recovery from sexual abuse.

But what if it’s your partner who has taken time out from sex—though you’re still interested in pursuing your desires? This can be very challenging—especially if you’ve made a commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner. While you may not have chosen the circumstances, you might be facing a prime opportunity to learn more about your own sexuality: just you and your imagination, a loving dance for one.

When you take a break from exchanging sexual energy with others, all that energy is left for you. A break from partner sex can really move you forward and help you focus—you can finish that last semester of grad school or figure out what you want to do with your life.

Without the distractions of another person, you get to feel all of you. As Staci Haines writes in
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex
, “Intimacy with yourself means accompanying yourself through all of your feelings, sensations, thoughts, wackiness, and imperfections.”
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Prepare to feel, really feel, who you are from the inside, perhaps for the first time.

Most important, a period of celibacy is a choice. I’m not talking about those times when there’s no one out there you’d want to hook up with; I’m talking about taking a break by choice. Nothing like choosing not to have sex to remind you that all sexual expression is about choice.

You’re hot, you’re wonderful, you deserve every sexual gratification life has to offer. Taking a break from partner sex can help you to enrich your relationship with yourself.

Of course, you can schedule your own masturbation workshop-for-one, anytime you please. You can even set educational goals. Maybe you’ve never masturbated to porn. Now you can rent a DVD, unzip your jeans, and find out what it’s all about.

Your workshop curriculum can focus on breathing, making noise, moving your legs, or not stopping after the first orgasm. Perhaps you’ve never had an orgasm—or you don’t
think
you’ve ever had one. This is your chance. What would you like to learn?

Teach Yourself Some New Tricks

I’m a traditional girl: I usually just stimulate my clit with my finger. Every once in a while, when I’m feeling particularly naughty, I enjoy penetration during masturbation.

We all have different ways of masturbating. Most women reach orgasm by stimulating the clitoris—either directly or indirectly. Whether you lie on your stomach and rock your pelvis into the palm of your hand or against the edge of your kitchen table, rhythmically squeeze your legs together, thrust a dildo into your vagina or anus, touch your clit with your fingers, or buzz off with your trusty Hitachi Magic Wand, you’ve probably discovered a way to masturbate that works for you.

I masturbate in bed on my stomach with both hands, using my sheet or some piece of cloth for friction. I’ve been masturbating that way for most of my life. I like to be leisurely about it—take a long time to fantasize and get turned on, then sleep or rest for a while afterward.

For many women, childhood masturbatory discoveries are today’s modus operandi. If at 12 you discovered you could orgasm by rapidly caressing your clit in small intense circles, you may still be masturbating that way. That’s great—you’ve no doubt given yourself years of pleasure. But, like any great lover who gets into a rut, you can become predictable and boring.

Some of your masturbation techniques may be necessary for you to reach orgasm, such as a particular quality of stimulation, and some, such as a particular position, may be mere habit. Can you reach orgasm standing up—or do you have to be able to stretch your legs and curl your toes? What about clitoral stimulation? If the vibrator is held just below your clit, rather than nestled beside your left labia, can you still come?

You can train yourself to respond to different kinds of stimulation and different circumstances. The key is to be open to new possibilities and to be willing to suffer a bit of frustration in the interest of experimentation. OK, so you could play with that dildo for days and
never
have an orgasm. Forget about whether or not you’re getting off, and just note the sensations. Can you feel the muscles in your vagina fluttering as you push the dildo inside you? What do you notice in your ass, legs, and feet? Follow the sensations as they course through your body. You may surprise yourself and reach orgasm from stimulation you never thought could take you over the edge.

I lie on my stomach with my knees slightly propping my ass in the air; I use my fist, with my thumb rubbing my clit; I rub faster and faster, sometimes stroking the clit or reaching to my vaginal opening, and use my body weight as pressure.

How-To’s of Masturbation

Here are some favorite masturbation techniques:

• Treat yourself to ample time and privacy. Light some candles and put on music that arouses or soothes you.

• Lavish yourself with your most appreciative gaze. Get out the mirror. Spread your labia. With your finger, trace the parts of your genitals: labia, clit, vagina, perineum, anus. Feel the different textures of skin. Note the different colors.

• Caress yourself. Touch your breasts, belly, thighs, feet.

• Suck your fingers—or a nipple, if your breasts are large enough to reach your mouth.

• You can lie on your back or your belly, sit in a chair, kneel or squat over your hand or dildo, or rub up against a piece of furniture.

• Run your fingers lightly over your vulva. Notice which areas have the most heat for you.

• Reach inside your vagina and draw out your lubrication.

• Even if you’re quite wet, put some water-based lube on your finger.

• Draw your finger up from your vagina to your clit.

• Stroke and pinch your nipples with the same rhythm you use on your clit.

• Gently hold the shaft of your clit between thumb and forefinger; stroke the shaft and hood with your fingertip.

• If you like intense nipple stimulation, try a pair of nipple clamps—just remember that the sensation greatly intensifies when you pull them off.

• You can masturbate in the shower or tub with a handheld shower attachment. Remove the showerhead attachment and put your finger over the end of the hose to create a high-pressure stream of water. (Do not spray water directly into the vagina.)

• Tug on your clit or labia piercing.

• Circle your clit with rapid, intense touches.

• Slip two fingers into your vagina and thrust against your G-spot; with the other hand, press down on your pubic bone and mons—so that you’re stimulating your G-spot both inside and out.

• Slip a finger, butt plug, or string of anal beads into your butt. (Do not use the same finger or toy in your vagina, to avoid a bacterial infection.)

• You can hold a vibrator against your clit as you penetrate yourself with your fingers or dildo, or you can thrust a vibrating dildo in and out of your vagina as you touch your clit.

• Rock your pelvis, move your legs.

• Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe into your chest, belly, and cunt.

• Make noise.

Solo Toys

There are lots of toys you can play with by yourself. Favorite among them are vibrators and dildos, and the dual action “twice as nice” models with rotating shaft
and
clitoral vibe for one-handed simultaneous penetration and clitoral action. You can play with nipple clamps, butt plugs, anal beads, and many items found in the produce aisle of your local grocery store. If you play with vegetables, make sure to wash them first—or use a condom. The same caution applies to dildos, especially if you like both anal and vaginal penetration; just change condoms when you change activities, or have fresh sex toys at the ready. And don’t forget the lube.

I used carrots a couple of times but they’re too cold, and I found out if you microwave them they’re too soft!

Some women manage elaborate solo rope bondage. (Do
not
asphyxiate yourself.) You can loop string through your piercings and link nipples to labia—which will create an interesting tension when you rock your hips. You can attach clamps or clothespins to the outer labia and inner thighs, tease yourself sensually with ice cubes or hot wax, and even do play piercing. You’ll find more about sex toys and supplies in chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.

Erotica and Fantasy

Of course, your imagination can be the most wonderful sex toy of all. And erotica is a great fantasy stimulator. Whether you begin your masturbation session with some one-handed reading, a favorite video, DVD, or audiotape, a lascivious phone call to a gal pal, or a visit to a sexy website or online chatroom, when you close your eyes to ride that delicious wave of pleasure all sorts of surprising images may pop into your head. While you started out fantasizing about the hot couple in
Hard Love
, suddenly you morph into a straight guy at the library or the sadistic librarian who leads him on. Who knows? You could be an uptown housewife seduced by her butch plumber. Let your clit lead the way. Don’t try to have the “right” fantasies—follow the images that get you wet. Exactly what kind of touch are you really craving?