The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (16 page)

Effective sexual communication is the single most useful erotic skill you can bring to a lover. As Susie Bright says, “No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get fucked in the ass.”
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Sexual communication includes being able to articulate your desires, fantasies, history, limits, and concerns—and being able to listen without judgment to those of your partners.

Communication skills carry a big payoff: Your sex life improves dramatically as you gain fluency in the vocabulary of your own desires. When you can tell a partner what you want—in plain language—she’ll be more likely to meet your needs. (One woman wrote, “I would love to be fucked up the ass on the hood of my sports car”—a simple enough request.) Your partner will be inspired by your forthright manner, too. Soon, she’ll be telling you things she’s never said aloud before.

Asking your partner what she likes will also improve your sex life. You’ll find out exactly how she likes to be touched, which will make you a better lover. You needn’t worry about appearing inexperienced if you ask your lover how she likes her clitoris licked. Even if you’ve gone down on a hundred other women, you still don’t know how she likes it. Asking is the mark of a sophisticated lover. It’s a great way to get used to talking about desire, too. If you’re too shy to open up a dialogue about your needs, start with hers. (Just don’t forget to come back to you.)

Talking about sex won’t ruin the mystery or spontaneity of your erotic encounters. The romantic myths that great sex “just happens” and that a skilled lover can intuit your needs are just that—myths.

Once you’re open about your sexual practices and fantasies, you can stop wondering whether you’re “normal.” As soon as you start telling friends and lovers the scenarios that fuel your dreams, you’ll find out that you are hardly unique. Many people share your fantasies. In fact, some of your friends may come up with turn-ons even more kinky than yours.

Folks in the BDSM community (bondage, dominance/submission, sadomasochism) have elevated sex talk to an art form. Among S/M aficionados, it’s a common practice to negotiate before engaging in play, exploring each partner’s desires, needs, limits, and safety concerns to find a common ground from which to proceed. Even experienced players negotiate prior to each new encounter—as do novices, for whom a single item on a checklist of possibilities can produce hours of wonder and anticipation. Intimate partners find that ongoing negotiation helps to keep their sex life fresh.

Negotiating a scene won’t make it less exciting. For instance, you can discuss an abduction scene in great detail without ruining the surprise of the capture or the specific content of what will happen when your partner whisks you away. Negotiation between equals is what makes power play emotionally safe—and what distinguishes it from real-world, nonconsensual power dynamics.

Negotiation is best handled in a nonsexual setting rather than in the heat of the moment. Take time to think about what you want from the encounter. You can discuss your hopes and desires, past sexual experiences, likes and dislikes, emotional needs and hot buttons, as well as your limits—the things you don’t wish to do. This is a great time to talk about STDs and safer-sex practices, too. More on negotiation in chapter 15, Play Nice! (…or Else).

What traits do sex educators look for in a partner? Expressiveness tops my list. In fact, many women seek out partners who are able to freely articulate their erotic desires. Why? When you talk with a new partner about what you are going to do, you reencounter your own sexuality through her eyes. Sex becomes new for you.

Finally, communication is how you practice consent. Even if you know what you want, you can’t give (or withhold) consent without communicating it.

Tongue-Tied?

Sexual communication isn’t just for the chatty and the brave. Anyone can learn how to talk about sex—even a Recovering Shy Person like Carol Queen:

When I was (not so very much) younger, the idea of getting up before a crowd and attracting erotic attention would have sent me into a panic. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine doing much of that sort of thing one on one. My idea of talking dirty was “I love you” or—really bold—“Oh, yes!”

Since then I’ve been photographed naked, recorded (video and audio) having sex, and performed explicit sex shows. That I’ve done these things is not only evidence of my recovery, they’re part of it.
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Many of our inhibitions about sex talk are cultural. We’re taught what’s appropriate to say aloud and what’s not. Especially for women, the bold expression of sexuality can carry a hefty price tag.
Slut
and
whore
may be words you’ve reclaimed as badges of honor, but in the wrong context they can still silence even the most fearless among us.

You may be afraid that at the core your sexuality just isn’t good enough. That by putting your desires into words, you’ll expose your basic inadequacy. That people will see how boring you are. Or how perverted. Or how tame. Or simply different.

Whether your goal is a career at the peep shows or to be able to tell your lover exactly how you want your breasts touched, you can learn to feel comfortable talking about sex. After all, you had to be taught to choke over those sexual words. You weren’t born that way—think of a 3-year-old, happily reciting her new vocabulary words (“poop!”) and dropping her pants for all the world to see.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

•
Make a vocabulary list.
What words do you feel comfortable using to talk about sex? Is it
cunnilingus
or
oral sex
or
eating pussy
for you?
Butt-fucking
or
anal intercourse?
What do you call the parts of your body?

•
Know yourself.
Nothing like information to give you confidence. Now’s a good time to compose your own Yes/No/Maybe list. Take a second look at the “Erotic Play” list in chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy. Which of these activities do you like to engage in? Which might you like to try, perhaps under very specific circumstances? And which are you sure you’re not interested in? Write “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” next to each item. Don’t forget to record the date—when you discover your list a year from now, you may be charmed by your innocence.

•
Talk to yourself while masturbating.
Start with grunts and moans and work up to your own erotic monologues. For an added challenge, record yourself masturbating and talking dirty and then play it back.

•
Engage a friend in a conversation about her or his sex life.
You might want to pick someone who’s also struggling to break free of sexual inhibitions. Go to a sexy poetry reading or film together. Talk about the experience afterward.

•
Treat yourself to an online chat
or an evening of phone sex.

•
Attend a workshop, play party,
or other group event where people speak openly about sex.

•
Take a class.
Even if “Talking Dirty” isn’t among the course offerings at your local sex boutique, you can polish your communication skills in nearly any workshop or lecture on sexuality. See “Where to Learn More,” below.

Who Are You Looking For?

I am attracted to big bodies. Give me the soft, plush, easy-to-roll-into bodies. Mmmmm.

What are you looking for in a partner? Do you want a sex partner whose sexual interests match specific interests of yours? An experienced bondage top? A fisting bottom? Are looks important to you? Age? Cultural background? How important is gender to you in choosing a partner?

“Oh, I just want someone nice” is a response that indicates you probably haven’t given this much thought. Perhaps you know what you’d like in a partner, but don’t think you really deserve someone that great. You may have been taught that it’s wrong to objectify a potential partner by naming such specific preferences. If you don’t own your preferences, someone else will do it for you. So take a pencil and paper, or call your best friend, and start a list of qualities you’re looking for in a sex partner.

You can also get too specific for your own good. So, you’re looking for a butch Latina dyke, 25-29, at least 5’8”, strong build with voluptuous breasts and big hands, who works in the helping professions, enjoys softball and all-night poker games, Almodóvar films and mystery novels, nonsmoking, kinky S/M top, who loves kids and dogs? Great. That’s a start. But will you consider her if she’s 34? Only 5’5”? Programs computers? Enjoys an occasional cigar? And hates gambling?

Give yourself permission to pursue sex—any kind of sex you can imagine, on terms of your choosing. You don’t have to pretend to romantic interests you don’t feel. Likewise, you needn’t pretend that you want to play when what you really want is to find a lover. Are you looking for a woman who will want only you? A polyamorous lover? A safer-sex buddy? Do you want to find a partner with whom you can break out of a rut? Are there particular sexual activities you want to try?

I’ve gotten better at asking for what I want and finding partners who like the same kind of sex I do. Being polyamorous, I frequently seek in one relationship the sex I’m not getting in another.

Ask for what you want (not what you think you should want). You don’t have to mold your desires to fit a political agenda. You needn’t feel guilty that you are turned on by women of a certain body type or that you want to meet someone whose culture resonates with yours. You can always change your mind.

I went through this black-dykes-only phase. Looking back, I think of it as a cocooning phase. I was focused on learning about who I was in the world, coming into an understanding of my blackness, and I didn’t want to be concerned with the needs or beliefs of white women. However, I did have a very powerful sexual reaction to one white woman. Eventually, I took this as an opportunity to explore the ways that my desire did not follow my politics. I had to find a way out of this discomfort, which was very much about boxing myself in. But it was also important for me to continue to make my beauty, my desires, and my culture the center of my world. Attraction for me would never equal loss of self or assimilation. Which is what I think I had feared.

Making Your Move

It’s time to make your move. Now what? Surely there’s more to sexual communication than lewd invitations whispered in a cloud of hormones. What about the thornier issues of partner sex? For instance, how do you ask someone to have sex with you?

Many of us have been taught to wait for someone else to make the first move. Have you ever convinced yourself that if she isn’t making a move, she isn’t interested? This would be comic if it weren’t so tragic—since she’s probably thinking the very same thing. You have only one sure way to rise above misperception: Ask her. The trick is to ask in a context-appropriate manner. The statement “I find you extremely attractive, and I’d love to spend some time with you. Would you like to get together?” is acceptable in almost any situation. “I’d really like to touch you. May I?” is best saved for the dance floor or a sex party.

You can state the conditions under which you might like to have sex: “I’d love to play. But I’d like to get to know you a bit better first.” You can check out a potential partner’s relationship status: “I never date married women. Are you seeing anyone?”

You can invite a potential partner to engage in a particular activity and state your limits at the same time. “I’d love to play. But I’m not into penetration right now. Would you like to trade massages?”

You can trade interests, experiences, and fantasies—and get your message across quite clearly: “I hear you’re quite a skilled top. I find the thought of submission quite tantalizing, though I’ve only bottomed once. Would you be interested in showing me the ropes?”

“No, Thank You”

Of course, sometimes you get turned down. My own fear of rejection shrank to a manageable size the day I overheard a stunning femme graciously deflect a sexual come-on. The would-be suitor approached the femme and said, “We’ve been eyeing each other all day. I want you to know I find you very attractive.” The femme responded, “Thank you.”
Period.
She did not find it necessary to qualify her response (“Thanks, but I’m not interested in taking this further”), nor did she find it necessary to behave defensively (“No way!”).

I understood in that moment that a genuine expression of desire had value, regardless of the response. I was no less beautiful or worthy a human being because someone said, “No, thank you.” (I also understood that I needn’t fear a rude or unkind response—since that would reflect a lack of grace on the part of the speaker, and say nothing about me.)

Signs of Healthy Boundaries

• Appropriate trust

• Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing

• Moving step by step into intimacy

• Considering compatibility before moving into a relationship

• Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you

• Touching only with permission

• Weighing the consequences before acting on sexual impulse

• Being sexual when you want to be sexual, concentrating on your own experience