The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (19 page)

What about variety? One woman said she couldn’t stand the predictability of reciprocal sex in her previous lesbian relationships:
You do me, then I’ll do you, we both do each other, back and forth, weekend after weekend.

Is S/M essential to your sex life? “It doesn’t have to be all the time, but I couldn’t be in a relationship if I knew there was no possibility of S/M play. I’ve done that before and I won’t do it again.”

Do you need a partner who is a switch? “I need to bottom occasionally. Otherwise I start to feel resentful.” Or, “I’m a top, and I don’t want my partner to expect that I’d like to be on the receiving end.”

Are gender roles essential to your sex life? If you want someone who is comfortable with your gender fluidity, say so. If a traditional butch/femme relationship is the bottom line for you, say that.

Is sexual growth vital to your well-being? Is it important to you to learn new things about sex and sexuality over time?

How important
is
sex in your life anyway? If ongoing erotic communication and play—however you define that—is essential to you in a partnership, say so. To yourself. To all the friends who are eager to see you happy. And most certainly to prospective lovers.

Set Your Standards

Think of these as your sexual standards for being in a relationship. Of course, you may have other standards regarding other aspects of your partnerships—for instance, you may want a partner who has integrity, is loyal, loves children and dogs, and dances really, really well. Many of us are well-practiced in ticking off these qualities. We may be less versed in enumerating our sexual wants and needs.

There are things that I will do for a partner because I want to make her happy even though I’m not that turned on by it. My last girlfriend loved to have her toes sucked. I wasn’t into that. I
was
very into seeing her turned on, so it was worth doing. There are things I won’t do, no matter how much a girl begs. No drawing blood. No Nazi scenes. No pedophilia scenes. No scat. No urine.

My partner blamed many “dry spells” of very little or no sex on depression, school, and herpes. I always remained patient, and tried to ride out the storms…. Nine years later, she left me. I will never again tolerate lack of sex for any excessive duration for any excuse. No harm will come to either of us if we come to the realization that our sexual needs are not compatible, and part ways immediately.

You might think of your sexual standards as good boundaries; they are that, and more. Your sexual standards describe what qualities you require in both your partner and your relationship.

Sex with her was so great in the beginning because—and I still have no idea how she was able to do this—we could go for hours and hours. She is 23 years my senior and disabled, but her passion is unequaled by any woman I’ve known or even heard about. She is inventive, all-consuming—right there. It’s even better now that we know each other so well. Our connection is stronger and the sex is fantastic. Sex with her is so great because our hearts and energies are as intertwined as our bodies.

What sexual qualities do you look for in a partner? By sexual qualities, I don’t mean a 5-inch tongue, fingers as busy as a vibrator, or an exquisite strap-on technique. I’m talking about the qualities of self we bring to our sexual couplings. You may say that you want a partner who knows without being told what you need sexually. You’ve no doubt heard by now that this is a romantic myth. Sure, it happens, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Eros, if it is to survive the ravages of time, familiarity, and routine, requires a special kind of nurturing and a unique set of skills.

JACK MORIN

Putting aside the desire for a mind-reader or a magician, and your own personal likes and dislikes, what makes someone a great sex partner? Here are some qualities that can make a difference, regardless of your sexual proclivities or situation. (This is not a complete list, nor does it address all the
other
aspects of relationship.) Some of these are qualities you can develop in yourself as well as look for in others:

•
Erotic attraction.
Heat. Someone for whom you feel powerful sexual desire.

•
Sexual compatibility.
Your favored sexual activities needn’t match up like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, but it helps to be playing the same game.

•
Willingness to try new things
—that’s what makes it possible for you to grow sexually, both individually and together.

•
Openness
to discussion about what you like, don’t like, what you need, how you feel, your sexual histories, STDs, safer sex—even if the conversation is awkward or uncomfortable. These are the courageous conversations that make possible new erotic adventures, experiences that can’t possibly happen if you never speak up. Good communication deepens sexual relationship.

•
Respect both for herself and for you.
That’s limits
and
desires—especially respect for those she does not share. This also includes respecting your physical and emotional health concerns.

•
Sexual honesty.
This is required for your emotional safety. It’s also the bottom line for couples who forgo safer sex practices, instead choosing to be monogamous or fluid-bonded.

•
Ability to listen
to not just the words, but the intention. Listening is more than just waiting your turn to speak.

•
Embodiment.
You do not have to be a goddess of sensuality or a practitioner of Tantra to be in touch with bodily sensations. Regardless of your level of sexual experience, your disabilities and physical limitations, and even a history of dissociation, you can learn how to live
in
your body as a sensate being.

Sex with her is so great because she embodies a wide range of genders and sexual roles—boy, fag, straight girl, butch dyke, high femme, daddy…

How would you describe
your
ideal partner? Here are some examples to get you started:

Someone who really touches my skin and listens to my body. The skin is the biggest sexual organ of them all.

Doesn’t get jealous, wants to have sex frequently with cuddles before, during and after, enjoys sex with others with and without my participation, is into a wide range of sexual activities including BDSM, has no hang-ups about safer-sex practices, is open and honest about what she wants in and out of bed, respects the hell out of me.

Hmmm. Butch. Tall. Sweet, kind, strong, intelligent, humorous, loving, open, honest, warm, interested in life, slightly introverted, thoughtful, sexy!!! Oh, and open to being in a poly relationship of course…

My ideal female sex partner would be unselfconscious about her body. She’d be uninhibited, and adventurous. She’d know she was beautiful, and she’d approach sex as a way of expressing the joy of being a physical creature. I can’t help but think of the way cats move in their bodies—a mixture of pride and pleasure. My ideal woman would be like that. A free spirit.

What Kind of Partnership Do You Want?

The idea of choosing what kind of relationship you want may be quite foreign. After all, how many models of sexual partnership are we offered?

Many of us fall into relationships very easily. Sometimes we end up in a sexual relationship exactly like the one we told our best friend we wouldn’t settle for. How does that happen? Well, there are many reasons for repeating past mistakes. And many sources of help for sorting out our histories and motivations. In the meantime, think about what you want for your future.

What kind of relationship do you want? Do you long for a committed partner who shares your home as well as your bed? Or does the thought of “till death do us part” make you break out in hives? Would you like home, lover, family—but not monogamy? Monogamy, but not cohabitation? Not interested in marriage right now, thank-you-very-much?

Do you want to date without pressure? Is your joy in dating over time, discovering a partner’s particular brand of sexuality—without any expectation, implicit or otherwise, that if you care about her you’ll want the relationship to go further?

If monogamy is your goal, how do you define it? Is it monogamy if you have sex with only one partner in real time, but have online play partners? Or flirt in chatrooms? Does an occasional romp at a play party count? What about a lap dance at a charity strip show? Or when you’re out of town on business? And is this arrangement explicit—something you’ve discussed with your partner—or something you think she knows-but-doesn’t-want-to-know? Does your relationship leave room for you to fantasize freely, even when your partner is not in the starring role—or do you rein in your imagination?

I perform as a drag king and flirting is part of the show. I get offers for sex with women I am REALLY attracted to and wish I could keep my current relationship with my partner and have some sex on the side.

Monogamy vs. nonmonogamy (or polyamory—see “What’s Your Style?,” below) is an age-old tug-of-war. It’s also a construct—that is, something we have created. As with other polarities (children vs. no children, city vs. country), it oversimplifies our real needs and goes nowhere toward creating mutual satisfaction.

Be specific about what these words mean to you. What about monogamy do you require? Is it security and commitment? Do you need exclusivity in order to risk or sustain intimacy? Monogamy is not a remedy for jealousy (for that, turn to open communication and trust built over time), nor is it insurance against loss.

We used to have a theoretical open-relationship. We didn’t want the desire to sleep with someone else to ruin our emotional relationship, so we thought we would remove the stigma and make desiring and sleeping with another “OK.” We were eventually honest with each other about our jealousy and admitted we would be very hurt if the other slept with someone else so we closed the relationship. We still have an agreement to talk about it and be honest about attraction to or desire for someone else.

Does your erotic life blossom in the shared privacy of two—and only two?

My sexuality is an expression of my love—it’s reserved for only one person.

We are monogamous and very content like this. We have been together for three years, we know each other very well, we have fabulous sex and we have great communication and honesty.

If you prefer nonmonogamy or polyamory, what about that is important to you? Is it the idea of sexual freedom—or the practice? Nonmonogamy is not a guarantee of sexual satisfaction; nor does it prevent loss of sexual interest. Do you need to know that you can act on the erotic sparks that fuel your days? Do you need more sex than your partner and want to take care of that need?

Being poly is very satisfying for me. Having the freedom to get my sexual needs met in the variety of ways that I enjoy is wonderful and necessary for someone like me who has such a strong (and varied) sexual drive.

Do you want to have sexual relationships, or is it sexual variety and adventure that you need? Would a birthday visit from a stripper offering more than a show satisfy your itch? A recreational play date?

Both of us to enjoy our freedom of sexual expression, and face it—playing with a woman that you will never have to see again is really fun.

What mutually satisfying possibilities might you imagine together? Would either of you feel differently if extramarital forays were negotiated and staged to involve both of you? While the idea of having sex with someone other than your lover may leave you cold, might you participate as co-conspirator and witness? What about spinning fantastic tales of made-up sexual adventure while you have sex? Would attending a sex party as voyeurs (and having sex afterward) satisfy your need for outside sexual stimulation?

If you are skeptical and doubtful that nonmonogamy can work, then it won’t work. If you believe in the freedom of desires and have the determination to pursue what’s in your heart, anything is possible.

WENDY-O MATIK

In any case, don’t be talked into arrangements that you know are impossible for you. (One woman wrote about what she called “crappy non-monogamy”—a situation in which “not everyone involved really wanted non-monogamy” but, out of fear of losing a partner, went along with the arrangement. The same could be said of “crappy” monogamy.) Self-denial doesn’t prove love. Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Are you by nature polyamorous? Does being polyamorous mean you prefer to engage in committed relationships with your sexual partners? Is one relationship more “important” than the other—and what does
that
mean? More sexual? More intimate? More shared responsibilities? Would you consider your life perfect with a committed spouse who encourages your ongoing crushes and sexual friendships? A three-way marriage? Partners of both genders—or a variety of genders? If you currently have one lover, do you still call yourself “polyamorous”?

For some women, polyamory is as much a sexual orientation as gender preference. They speak of their desire as a way of being, not a strategy—though they will tell you there certainly are payoffs!