The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (17 page)

• Maintaining personal values despite what others want

• Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

• Saying no to unwanted food, drinks, gifts, touch, sex

• Respecting others—not taking advantage of someone’s generosity

• Respecting self—not giving too much, hoping that someone will like you

• Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity

• Trusting your own decisions and accepting the consequences

• Knowing who you are and what you want

• Pursuing your own growth

• Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind readers

• Clearly communicating your wants and needs (recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

• Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love, and respect

“No” is an expression of a preference and is as valid a response to a sexual request as “yes”—though it’s not what you hope to hear. Respect that preference. Being told “no” is not an invitation to argue or persuade. Move on and ask someone else.

What if someone approaches you for sex, and you’re not interested or available? If you like, you can say, “I’m flattered you asked, but no” or “Not right now, but check in with me another time” (if you really think you might be interested later). However, a simple “No, thank you” is enough. You don’t owe an explanation.

Personal Ads in Newspapers and Magazines

The world of personal ads offers a wonderful opportunity to practice asking for what you want. Personal ads are especially helpful if asking for sex face to face makes you feel shy.

Even if you have no intention of placing an ad, writing one is a useful exercise. Why? A good ad lists both the qualities of the person you’re seeking and the qualities you have to offer—plus a memorable headline, some vivid description, and a bit of witty repartee. In newspaper and magazine ads, you may be limited to 50 words. Not a small task even for a seasoned copywriter.

you = f2m who likes to fuck.
me = f who likes to get fucked.
me + you = lots of fucking.
i promise i am totally cute.
so let’s listen to some make-out music
and get down to it
.

Check out the ads in your local queer newspaper or arts and culture weekly. The nature and tone of the ads will give you an idea of who’s using this particular venue and what they’re looking for. In print publications, placing the ad is usually free, while those answering the ads are paying for the service.

Other venues for personal ads include the Internet (see below), organizational and community newsletters, national lesbian and gay magazines, and “straight” magazines with a hip readership
.

Sex on the Internet

I found my current partner on the Internet. Risky? Yes. Silly? Perhaps. That aside, this is the healthiest, hottest, most solid relationship I’ve ever had.

Lately, women have been meeting and mating by way of the Internet in growing numbers. Whether or not you intend a face-to-face encounter, you’ll find buzzing conversations, flirtations, and sex.

As a medium for meeting people the Internet has some advantages:

There’s something for everyone on the Interet. If you can imagine it, you can probably find it, and if not, you can start it.

You can transcend the limits of geography. Even if you feel isolated in “real” life—the only boi in your campus queer group, or the only queer woman in a wheelchair in the entire county—you can create your own virtual community.

Beauty isn’t always skin deep, and while many women exchange photos online, many more get to know one another through conversation—which is something of an equalizer, as you don’t need to have the latest “do” to attract attention. Chatrooms are great for those who feel more comfortable in conversation than on the dance floor.

There’s safety in anonymity; you can ask questions and try new things without worrying about looking silly.

You can be anyone or anything you like. No one knows you came out two weeks ago. No one knows online whether you’re pre-op or post-op. You can grow accustomed to being yourself in the world.

One person’s Internet advantage will be another’s disadvantage. That written and conversational cues supersede visual and cultural cues isn’t a selling point for everyone—not everyone feels comfortable communicating in writing or wants to learn how to use a computer. There’s a lot of trite conversation on the Internet. You have to put up with spam, endless spam. And publicly accessible chatrooms can be infiltrated by queer bashers and trollers.

The same freedom of anonymity that allows you to change personas when the mood strikes allows others to manipulate and deceive. You have to be just as cautious in opening your heart on the Internet as you do bellied up to the bar.

Websites by and for lesbian, bisexual, and queer women seem to multiply daily. Many of these are sprawling, multifaceted affairs with chatrooms, message boards, personal ads, uploaded erotica (both written and visual), links to other Internet resources—you name it.

Internet resources include:

• Message boards where users post messages on a variety of topics

• Live chatrooms. Online chat used to require that you understand IRC (Internet relay chat) protocol. You still can cruise the thousands of IRC “channels” that feature explicit conversation on every imaginable topic. But you can also enter chatrooms on many websites, thus eliminating the need to understand IRC technology.

• Personal ads and matchmaker services

• Email discussion lists

• Usenet newsgroups. The original Internet discussion forums, newsgroups are similar to email discussion lists—people post their views on a variety of topics. However, while only subscribers can post to most email lists, newsgroups are open to anyone who wishes to download the daily posts or post their own messages. So groups like alt.sex.bondage are heavy with spam, attacks on women and queers, and off-topic posts.

See “Where to Meet Girls on the Web” in the resources chapter for a selection of websites and services.

Play Safe

Remember to exercise caution when meeting strangers—whether you make contact online or through a personal ad in your local paper. Talk on the phone before you make a date. Trust your instincts—if your gut says, “No way,” don’t go. You’re under no obligation to follow through on an initial contact, though standards of etiquette still apply. (Call if you have to cancel a date.) Cafés are a great choice of meeting place for first dates with strangers—they’re low-key, inexpensive, and public. Here are a few tips for safe play dates with strangers:

• If possible, play at a sex club or party.

• Bring your own safer-sex supplies.

• Let your friends know where you’ll be.

• Tell your date you’d like to give her phone number to a friend—a safe player will respect your caution.

Sex Parties

As Carol Queen so eloquently puts it, “Nice girls don’t go sniffing like beasts around warehouses full of men with erect cocks and women decked out in lingerie and smelling of hot pussy.”
³
Which is exactly what so many women love about play parties.

Play parties can be shadowy affairs in dungeons equipped with elaborate bondage stations, or sensual afternoon soirees with soft music and seasonal arrangements of fresh fruit. Parties tend to take on an individual flavor, and everyone has her favorites.

Sex parties, workshops, S/M demos, and other overtly sexual gatherings are prime places for meeting a new sex partner—or even a lover. The advantage of these events, of course, is that you can be sure to find someone who shares your particular sexual style—since talking about sex is encouraged, and cruising is often the whole point of the evening. (More on sex parties in chapter 16, Play Parties and Public Sex.)

Sex Talk Guidelines

How do you tell your hot new girlfriend her cunnilingus technique leaves a lot to be desired? How do you tell your lover of five years that you’re dying to try out a new sexual technique, sex toy, or play partner? Before you enter couples counseling, try these basic pointers:

•
Emphasize the positive.
“I’d really like your tongue on the shaft of my clit. But I need firm, steady strokes to come—and please don’t stop once I start moaning” will yield a more positive result than “I hate when you change what you’re doing just when I’m about to come.”

•
Be specific.
In her eagerness to please, “a little harder” might sound like an invitation to trade in her dildo for a jackhammer. How about 10 percent harder? 20 percent harder?

•
Be polite in turning down offers for sex.
A kindly spoken “no, thank you” is a perfectly adequate response. “What? Are you kidding?!?” will tarnish your karma.

•
Be polite in asking for sex.
Even if you’ve been living in bliss for a decade, your partner isn’t required to put out for you. She’s a human being, not a domestic resource. Say “please.” Make it hot for her.

•
If you need it, ask for it.
Do you need lots of cuddling after sex? Time alone? A protein shake?

•
Practice compromise.
This doesn’t mean that you engage in sex you don’t want—or that your partner should engage in sex she doesn’t want. But sometimes it’s fine to put your wants on the back burner. (Your wants, that is, not your needs.)

•
Ask your partner what she wants.
You can practice active listening by checking to make sure you heard her correctly. “So, are you saying that you really don’t find nipple stimulation a turn-on?” Who knows? Maybe she just told you that she loves having her nipples sucked—but not until she’s well aroused.

•
Practice nonjudgmental listening.
As they say at the San Francisco Sex Information hotline, watch the “Ick!” response. You may not find her fantasies at all erotic, and you’d do well to turn down requests for sex acts that turn you off. But you don’t have to make her sex “bad” just to say no to it.

•
Talk in a nonsexual setting.
It’s easier to talk about sexual needs in a nonsexual context than in the heat of the moment. Grab a mug of tea and sit down at the kitchen table (unless, of course, that’s where you’re planning to have sex).

•
Pick a time when you and your partner are both relaxed and available.
As she’s running out the door, already late for work, isn’t the time to tell her you want to change your sex life.

•
Don’t compare
her to past lovers, put her down, or dump a long list of grievances.

•
Watch out for unspoken assumptions and expectations: If I can make you come, you’ll never leave me.

Where to Learn More

Here’s a tip for learning how to talk about sex: Attend a lecture or workshop on any specific sexual technique or form of sexual expression that interests you. While you’re learning Advanced Oral Sex Techniques or How to Make Your Own Sex Toys, you’ll be getting practice in hearing someone speak explicitly about a sexual practice—and you’ll get practice sharing as well. You’ll gain knowledge and confidence and feel less shy about telling your partners what you like.

No matter what the topic, most sex educators put communication at the top of their curriculum—since it’s essential to partner sex. (Even a masturbation workshop will help you explore what you like, and knowing yourself is essential to effective communication.)

Many authors and other “sexperts” in the United States and Canada offer workshops and classes on specific sexual techniques. Both Tristan Taormino and Carol Queen offer anal sex workshops; Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch) teaches Dyke Sex: Power Tools, and other dyke sex classes; Annie Sprinkle conducts workshops on Tantra and genital massage; Barbara Carrellas teaches Urban Tantra workshops; and Betty Dodson offers her famed masturbation workshops. While most of these women are based on the East or West Coast, they do travel. The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival and other large national and regional gatherings are also great places to catch a traveling sexpert.

Sex-positive sex toy boutiques often sponsor educational events. Sh! in London, Good Vibrations in San Francisco and Berkeley, Grand Opening! in Boston and West Hollywood, Toys in Babeland in Seattle and New York City, A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Early to Bed in Chicago, Good for Her and Come As You Are in Toronto, and many other stores across the United States and Canada offer workshops and demos on everything from flirting to anal sex. Local S/M organizations frequently offer workshops and demonstrations—even if your interest in S/M is on the mild side, you may want to attend a program on negotiating with a new partner. See the resources section for more info.

When I was 20 I had a girlfriend who was a total exhibitionist. She dressed to turn herself on, and turned on everybody she met. I learned my best-ever sexuality lesson: Assume that you—your body, your needs, wants, desires, and fantasies—are the hottest fucking thing on the planet.