The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (40 page)

That same top can also tell you about emotional care—the importance of showering your partner with praise and tenderness, supporting her desires, nurturing her abilities, and respecting her limits.

Any experienced bottom can rattle off the key items on her Yes/No/Maybe list—and tell you under exactly what circumstances she will use her safeword.

Yet S/M is not without risks. Physical accidents, unintended emotional harm, and the residue of intense vulnerability can leave either partner hurting. S/M players are dedicated to the play in spite of the risks.

BDSM Play—Safely

A guide to BDSM safety could fill the pages of this entire chapter. The bottom line is this: Do not pretend to expertise you do not have.
If you don’t know how, don’t do it!

Here are some safety pointers:

• Make sure all your devices work and are of good enough quality to be safe.

• Never leave a person in bondage unattended.

• Watch for tingling in hands and feet or stress on joints.

• Use panic snaps so that you can release your partner quickly; release the feet before the arms so that she doesn’t fall over. Keep bandage scissors on hand to cut through rope. Keep keys to handcuffs, restraints, and collars in your pocket.

• Do not whip bones or joints—see “Whipping,” above.

• Never play when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Certainly, don’t take any medication that dulls the senses.

• Provide for your partner’s aftercare. Make sure juice or a high-protein snack is available. After an intense scene, the bottom may be shaky. Make sure she’s kept warm. Don’t leave her unattended.

• Create safety by playing at a party before playing privately. Dungeon monitors and other experienced players can help you learn how to do things safely.

Community adds yet another level of safety to S/M play. In a community, we’re all accountable. BDSM players are known to their peers. You can find out if the people you admire consider that potential partner a safe, responsible player—
before
she’s got you trussed up to her bedposts.

Where to Learn More

S/M and leather communities have a long tradition of mentoring novices. Many experienced S/M players love to pass on their knowledge. BDSM organizations, such as those listed in the resources, are great places to learn how to use a flogger, what you can do with hot wax, or the finer points of negotiation. You can watch demos of activities you may not even want to try—yet. Often workshops and educational events are open to nonmembers.

A number of BDSM professionals—educators, coaches, dominatrixes—offer workshops, classes, and private sessions. Some specialize in working with couples. While a session with a pro dom certainly can be erotically inspiring, it is not prostitution, which is defined as sex-for-pay. (Sex is defined as direct genital contact—news to sensualists and practitioners of erotic breathwork techniques.)

Fire Horse Productions, an educational project of “fetish diva” Midori, offers dozens of BDSM-related courses for both beginning and advanced students. Midori and her colleagues teach in a number of cities in the United States and Canada.

The Academy of SM Arts is the creation of Cléo Dubois, whose teaching style can be seen in her videos
The Pain Game
and
Tie Me Up!
Cléo offers women-only S/M intensives. These are four-day, hands-on workshops limited to eight women per course. Cléo also offers individual coaching and private classes for couples.

In the United States, there are a number of annual BDSM events which feature workshops, demos, and play parties. The BDSM Events Page (see Resources) lists many of these; others can be found in the Web links to women’s BDSM organizations.

You’ll find a number of guides in the bibliography that offer detailed information on techniques for BDSM play.

Suggested Web Links

THE ACADEMY OF SM ARTS

www.sm-arts.com

ALTSEX PAGES

www.altsex.org

FIRE HORSE PRODUCTIONS

www.fhp-inc.com/html/home.html

LEATHERDYKE

www.leatherdyke.com

Women-only online community run by leatherdykes, for leatherdykes. Events bulletin board.

PLAY PIERCING

www.sexuality.org/1/bdsm/needle.html

SOURCE OF SIDEBAR

“S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M)” is reprinted with permission from a pamphlet published by AABL, now the Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse. (See chapter, 20, Resources.)

chapter sixteen

Play Parties and Public Sex

I really like to have public sex. It’s the whole idea of doing something naughty and the possibility of getting caught.

MANY LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, AND QUEER WOMEN love sex in public. Does that mean they have sex in the backseats of cars, public bathrooms, or the park? Well, they might—though such scenarios carry serious risks, including the risk of assault or arrest. Public sex needn’t be dangerous or illegal—nor must you involve bystanders as unwilling voyeurs to your scene. Celebrating sex in public doesn’t necessarily mean that you get down with your girlfriend under the pool table at your local dyke bar. Public sex can include many safe, consensual forms of sexual expression that you can enjoy outside the privacy of your bedroom—from attendance at an erotic performance to a night of group sex at a play party.

Commercial Sex

Most people think of prostitution—the exchange of sex for money—when they think of commercial sex. Yet commercial sex can include any form of sexual expression or entertainment that you pay to enjoy—from the purchase of erotic books, magazines, DVDs, and videos to the dollar you slip into the lacy thong of a dancer at a strip club.

Prostitution is illegal in most of the United States and many other countries. Generally, “prostitution” is defined as exchanging sex for money; and usually “sex” is defined as involving some form of direct genital contact. So, in many places where prostitution is illegal, it may be perfectly permissible to charge clients for private sessions with a dominatrix or to host erotic performances and sex parties. Of course, local laws, regulations, and enforcement practices vary widely.

We usually don’t think of women as consumers of commercial sex. Yet any dyke who has attended an all-women strip show, purchased a copy of
On Our Backs
or
Best Lesbian Erotica,
rented a lesbian sex video or DVD, called a phone sex line, logged onto a cybersex site, or bought a ticket to an explicitly erotic performance has paid for sexual entertainment.

Of course, it’s an open secret that many lesbian, bisexual, and queer women work in the sex industry. The ubiquitous girl-girl sex scenes found in porn videos marketed to heterosexual men are often performed by bisexual or lesbian women passing as heterosexual women pretending to be lesbians. Lesbians and bisexual women who work in the sex industry are often delighted to find women in their audiences and among their clientele.

Other lesbian, bisexual, and queer women—whether paid or not—strip for the pleasure of seducing a room full of women.

I frequently work as a dyke stripper at a local dyke cabaret night. The first time I stripped I had forgotten that folks would be tucking money into my underwear. I’d never even seen a stripper before—and here I was doing a favor for a friend. The audience was so supportive! I felt so sexy! Folks were whispering dirty things in my ears as they tucked bills into my G-string. I felt like the sex goddess of the universe. I’ve never stripped for men, and I don’t think I want to. But for women it’s so sexy!

Unless you frequent lesbian strip shows or sex parties, you never may have observed other lesbians having sex—live and in the flesh. Lesbian-produced videos, DVDs, and magazines offer the opportunity to see images of real dykes having real sex. You can’t pop a low-budget, lesbian-made video into the VCR and miss the fact that these are real lesbians having real sex for the pleasure of putting their lust on exhibition—something women just aren’t supposed to do.

For many women, cybersex is their first experience with actually having public sex—rather than viewing it. You can enter an unmoderated chatroom, “listen” in until you feel comfortable, and then jump into the fray. Cybersex offers a safe introduction to anonymous sex, since you can “pick up” another woman, “go private” by creating a private chatroom for your encounter, and have cybersex—without risk of STDs or unwanted entanglements.

What about live sex? Where can a lesbian or bisexual woman go to enjoy live sexual performances? Some women go to strip clubs. You can go in a group, cheer on the erotic dancers, and even pay for a lap dance.

Play Parties

I had the most intense orgasm of my life while being caressed, kissed, and penetrated by two women. This was just about the best sex I have ever experienced!

A play party is a social gathering where people engage in sex. There are all types of play parties—some are for women only and others are pansexual, welcoming all genders, all sexual styles, and all sexual orientations.

Some parties are small, private affairs—a lesbian invites three friends over for a romp in her bed. Others are large public events, hosting as many as 200 women who have learned of the event from a flyer or ad. Most play parties are semipublic. The host draws up an invitation list, encouraging guests to bring their friends, who are then added to the list for future events. Most party hosts charge a fee to cover space rental, safer-sex supplies, food, and other expenses.

Parties, of course, come in all flavors, with styles as individual as their hosts. From sensual affairs with hot tubs and scrumptious buffets to dungeon parties where women engage in elaborately negotiated BDSM scenes, you’ll find play parties to suit a wide range of tastes. Some parties begin with games and ice-breakers; others feature rituals intended to create a particular mood.

What does a play party look like? Typically, you’ll find a social area with refreshments, an area to change out of street clothes and into fetish wear, and a play area. Some party spaces even have showers. You may find an impressive array of dungeon equipment, including St. Andrew’s crosses, racks, cages, and slings. You may even find a gynecologist’s examination table. Or, you may find a room lined with futons or foam mattresses.

You’ll see women naked, or wearing all manner of fetish gear, including corsets, G-strings, dildos and harnesses, chaps, and stiletto heels. You’ll find women watching others having sex, or chatting in small groups, as at any other party. You may see couples in discreet corners, lost in deep kisses; a group of women in a “puppy pile” of jumbled limbs and torsos; or a daisy chain of women engaging in oral sex. You may see women getting fisted in slings. You’ll certainly get to see and hear many women’s orgasms.

Twelve Reasons to Go to a Sex Party

1. You can nurture your inner exhibitionist. You can perform for an audience of eager voyeurs.

2. You can indulge in sensory overload, watching and hearing others engage in sexual activities—while you’re having sex.

3. You can leave your inhibitions at the door and try sexual activities you’ve only imagined. Nothing like a change of venue to make you feel adventurous.

4. Your body image will get a big boost when you see women of all shapes and sizes being admired erotically.

5. You can scream out your pleasure (or pain) without worrying about your neighbors.

6. You’ll get plenty of encouragement for being a slut. You may even get a round of applause when you come.

7. You can make friends and find sex partners.

8. You can have group sex, and you can have sex with strangers in a safe environment.

9. You can play on good equipment—like a St. Andrew’s cross or sling. You can play with that new 6-foot single-tailed whip you can’t safely swing in your living room.

10. You can enact your favorite public sex fantasy without the risk of encountering cops and queer-bashers.

11. You can have sex without the complications of dating.

12. You can heat up your relationship. Even if you and your partner wish to have sex exclusively with each other, you can enjoy an entirely new erotic environment.

At a BDSM party, you’ll find women tied to whipping posts, crosses, bondage tables, racks, and (in standing bondage) to eyebolts in a low ceiling. You’ll hear the crack of single-tailed whips, the smack of paddles on buttocks, and, of course, lots of sighs and screams.

You’ll see women practicing safer sex, too. You can learn how to introduce latex and other barriers into a scene. You may see a woman erotically teasing her partner as she slowly slips on a glove or licking a partner’s thighs as she spreads a dental dam over her vulva. You’ll see women lube up condom-covered dildos and butt plugs, and slip gloves over the heads of electric vibrators.

Many party hosts post safer-sex rules. They may be as simple as “no exchange of bodily fluid” or quite detailed, specifying when gloves and condoms are to be used. You may find etiquette rules posted as well. Hosts may remind guests to ask before touching and to refrain from interrupting others’ play. Often S/M parties employ dungeon monitors who can help guests with safety concerns. In many communities,
safeword
has itself become the universal safeword—if you call out “safeword,” folks will come running.