The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (44 page)

Thigh Harness and Night Rider:
The Thigh Harness is particularly good for people with lower back problems who find their back gives out before they do. The Night Rider, which straps onto furniture, is an incredibly versatile harness and comes with some ten feet of extra cord.

Know the quality
of the toy you are buying. Sex toys do have different quality levels, and if you know you’re likely going to drop your toy a lot or be rough with it, be aware that some may break more easily than others. Better-quality sex stores, like those listed in the resources, will give you honest answers about the durability of the toy you are interested in.

The folks at Come As You Are in Toronto are dedicated to making sex accessible to everyone—including people with disabilities. Their website is packed with specific information on making sex toys accessible for disabled customers.

To learn more, see
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness,
by Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette.

Need some new furniture?

Hold that position—without straining your neck, back, or wrists. Liberator sells sturdy foam-core wedges, ramps, cubes, and other shapes designed to make it easier to have sex in a variety of positions.

Gay men have always known what a difference a sling makes. Lesbians who frequent dungeon parties find out how much easier it is to get fisted—vaginally or anally—with a sling supporting your muscles. Strap-on sex is easier, too, when you can position your partner at a height that spares your lower back. You can find leather slings, complete with stirrups, at JT’s Stockroom, Extreme Restraints, and Mr. S. You supply the chains and eyebolts and ceiling to hang it from. You can also purchase a sling stand if you want to spare your ceiling.

Madame S, JT’s, and others sell a line of well-constructed bondage beds. Forged from reinforced steel, with strategically placed restraint points, these beds are for seriously rough play. Full, queen, king. Extreme Restraints sells a folding bondage bed which looks suspiciously like a massage table with cuffs and straps. Hmmm. That gives me an idea….

Do You Want to Explore New Fantasies?

Porn! Whether you rent an explicit video, read a collection of erotic fiction, or surf erotica websites, you’ll find that porn can fuel your imagination. What do lesbians look for in video porn? Tastes vary: Hard core. Soft core. Tranny porn. Trannyfag porn. Girl-girl. Girl-boy. Boy-boy. Some lesbians prefer gay male porn for its raw depictions of sexuality.

Whether looking for images of tenderness and romance or down-and-dirty back-alley sex, lesbians want authenticity. Having viewed a glut of mainstream porn featuring heterosexual-appearing actresses and unreal sex, lesbians want to see “authentic pleasure and chemistry between the performers,” as one Good Vibrations saleswoman wrote.
¹²
(See chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy, for more on lesbian porn. You’ll find a selection of lesbian porn titles in the bibliography.)

Got Your Lube?

I love Probe Thin and Silky because it dries quickly without being sticky. It also doesn’t taste bad and feels soooo slick when rubbed on me.

Lube is the most essential item in your toy bag. Not only will lubricant make sex more pleasurable, it will keep you from getting raw during vaginal penetration. For anal penetration, lube is a must—the rectum is not self-lubricating, and the friction of a finger or dildo thrusting in and out could tear the delicate tissue.

Everyone has an opinion about lube. While one woman loves Probe, another will swear by ID Liquid, or Astroglide, or Wet. How do you find out which lube you might like? If your local pharmacy stocks only one brand of lube and the nearest sex toy store is 200 miles away, order a sampler pack from one of the retail or mail-order outlets listed in the resources. You’ll get a variety of little plastic “pillows” containing just enough lube for one use (sufficient for clitoral stimulation, but certainly not enough for fisting). When you decide which brand of lube you prefer, you can order more economical sizes. These individual-sized packets are great for travel and for group sex—you won’t end up with many sticky fingers handling the same bottle. (Shared lube containers, like shared sex toys, can lead to transmission of many STDs.)

Most lube manufacturers offer a full line of water-based lubes, including a silky, light lube for clitoral play or vaginal penetration, and a thick, viscous lube for anal penetration and vaginal fisting. Here are some questions to think about when choosing lube:

•
Will you engage in clitoral play?
Try a thin, light lube such as ID Liquid, Probe Silky Light, Astroglide, Liquid Silk, or Eros Bodyglide.

•
Will you engage in vaginal penetration?
Some women prefer a light lube for penetration, others a more viscous lube, like Slippery Stuff, Maximus, and Probe.

•
Will you engage in vaginal fisting?
Buy the pump bottle! You may want to try a thicker lube, like Probe Thick and Rich.

•
Will you engage in anal penetration?
Try ForPlay, Maximus, Probe Classic, or Slippery Stuff for a thicker water-based lube. Some women use oil-based lube, such as Crisco or Elbow Grease, for anal play; be careful, though, that the lube doesn’t drip into the vagina. Oil deteriorates latex; you’ll have to change your latex glove every 15 minutes. If you use an oil-based lube with a latex condom-covered toy, plan to disinfect the toy. The oil in the lube will have destroyed the latex.

•
Will you engage in oral sex?
If you anticipate oral contact as well as penetration, choose a lube that’s tasteless, such as ID or Probe, or intended for oral play—such as the flavored lubes from Wet or ForPlay. Avoid lubes containing nonoxynol-9, which will numb your tongue and lips.

•
Will you be using latex?
Any water-based or silicone lube will be compatible with your latex gloves and condoms. Avoid oil-based lubes (see above).

•
Will you be using silicone toys?
Don’t use silicone lube with silicone dildos. The silicone in the lube will degrade your silicone toy.

•
Do you get yeast infections?
Choose a glycerin-free lube such as Liquid Silk, or its thicker counterpart, Maximus.

•
Do you want a lube that will last and last?
Silicone lubes such as Eros Bodyglide and Wet Platinum won’t dry up or get sticky.

•
Are you sensitive to chemicals?
Avoid lubes containing nonoxynol-9, a detergent added to lubricants as a spermicide.

Got Your Safer-Sex Supplies?

Stock your toy bag with these basic safer-sex supplies:

• Latex, vinyl, or nitrile gloves for penetrative sex.

• Finger cots, which are like little finger-sized condoms. You may have noticed that I’ve said nothing about finger cots in this book. Since a caress of a fingertip often leads to more—a second finger, the palm of the hand—I find that finger cots have limited use and recommend gloves instead.

• Condoms to cover dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators.

• Dental dams, Lollyes, or plastic wrap for cunnilingus and rimming.

• Hibiclens, antibacterial hand soap, or a toy cleaner such as ForPlay Adult Toy Cleanser to clean dildos, vibrator attachments, lube bottles, and other toys after use. Wash your hands with antibacterial soap.

• Alcohol wipes to clean handles of vibrators and other toys, as well as for use in play piercing and other activities where blood may be present.

• A simple BDSM first-aid kit, including antiseptic ointment, bandages, adhesive tape, and scissors.

Does Latex Make You Itch?

If you notice a rash after wearing a latex glove, you may be developing a sensitivity to latex. Some women are so allergic to latex that they develop hives, become nauseated, or have trouble breathing when they come into contact with latex products.

Who’s at risk for latex allergies? People who come into frequent or continual contact with latex. Health-care workers are especially at risk. Not only do they snap gloves on and off all day long, their work environment is permeated by the fumes given off by latex products. Add safer-sex practices to that scenario and you can see why licking a latex Lollye could be a nightmare for a latex-sensitive woman.

The only solution to latex sensitivity is to avoid latex as much as possible. Here are some alternatives:

• Nitrile gloves contain no latex, and they’re thinner than most latex gloves. They can be used with water-based, oil-based, and silicone lubricants. They’re more expensive than latex, however. Vinyl gloves are also an alternative to latex.

• Plastic wrap is a cheap alternative to latex dams.

• Polyurethane condoms by Avanti are an alternative to latex condoms. They’re thinner and larger than latex condoms and can be used with water-based, oil-based, and silicone lubricants. However, they are much more expensive than latex condoms.
Do not
use lambskin condoms for safer sex; they won’t prevent transmission of viruses such as HIV.

Latex-free safer-sex supplies are available from a number of suppliers, as well as sex toy stores listed in the resources.

How’s Your Budget?

If you want to have fun on a budget, try some of these suggestions:

• Buy latex gloves by the box. Most large pharmacies have a house brand.

• Get your condoms for free at gay bars and events sponsored by AIDS prevention organizations. Safeguarding your health is as important as safeguarding anyone else’s.

• Use plastic wrap, cut-up gloves, or condoms for dental dams.

• Keep a spray bottle of water by your bed. Rather than continually adding more water-based lube, spray a little water on your glove or dildo to reactivate the lube.

• If you like silicone or glycerin-free lubes, look for the cheaper brands. Eros Bodyglide and Liquid Silk are so popular as to have spawned less-expensive imitations.

• Buy cheap rubber dildos and butt plugs—they cost half as much as their silicone counterparts. You can hide their less-than-pleasing look and texture under a condom.

• Nylon harnesses cost less than leather and will do the job quite well.

• Some BDSM toy vendors cater to customers who want to stock their play rooms inexpensively. Certain toys, such as canes and crops, lend themselves to economizing, while others don’t—cheap whips are just that: cheap. Use your imagination—a wooden spoon makes a great paddle; a chair works well as a bondage station.

How to Care for Your Toys

Clean your toys with warm water and soap—preferably antibacterial soap, Hibiclens, or a toy cleaner such as ForPlay Adult Toy Cleanser. Never submerge electric or battery-operated toys in water.

Silicone can be cleaned by boiling for two to three minutes. You can also clean silicone dildos in your dishwasher. Keep silicone lubricants away from silicone toys.

Rubber dildos are more porous than silicone and will absorb dirt. Always use condoms with rubber dildos, and clean them thoroughly with soap and water after each use.

Cyberskin is a challenge to keep clean—the easiest solution is to use condoms with Cyberskin dildos. The skinlike surface attracts dirt. Cyberskin toys can’t be cleaned by boiling, so use soap and water, dry thoroughly, and dust with corn starch. (
Do not
use baby powder or talc, which have been linked to cervical cancer.)

Nylon harnesses can be washed in the sink—or you can toss them into the washing machine. Hang to dry.

Clean leather harnesses with soap and water and hang dry. To disinfect, wipe with a cloth soaked in 70 percent isopropyl alcohol and then wipe clean with soap and water. After cleaning, use a leather conditioner to prevent the leather from drying out (never hang in the sun).

To clean a leather flogger, wipe each tail individually with a damp cloth soaked in either soap and water or leather cleaner, such as Lexol. To disinfect, wipe with a cloth soaked in 70 percent isopropyl alcohol and then wipe clean with soap and water. Don’t store leather until it’s completely dry, to avoid mold. Use a leather conditioner to prevent the leather from drying out.

Suggested Web Links

COME AS YOU ARE

www.comeasyouare.com

GOOD VIBRATIONS

www.goodvibes.com

TOYS IN BABELAND

www.babeland.com

SOURCE OF SIDEBAR

“Toy Accessibility” is adapted from
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness
, by Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette, and the Come As You Are website,
www.comeasyouare.com
.

chapter eighteen

Safer Sex and Gynecological Health

I have herpes. I’m very up-front about it.

DO YOU THINK THAT IF YOU’RE NOT SEXUALLY ACTIVE with men, you’re not at risk for STDs? If so, you’re not alone. Many lesbians think that living an exclusively “lesbian lifestyle” immunizes them against sexually transmitted conditions—and, for that matter, most gynecological concerns. Not so!

Unfortunately, when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, some health-care practitioners think the same thing. Knowing very little about lesbian sexual practices, they make assumptions—that lesbians don’t have penetrative sex, or anal sex, or that lesbians don’t have sex at all.