The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (36 page)

When I walk, my hips swish and my breasts bounce and my thighs roll with the fluidity that is my femininity.

High femme is not an everyday thing. But when I go out to cruise or party, it borders on the drag-que enly. This excites me—and attracts butches with balls!

While I am very pleased to be a woman, my body is read as a heterosexual one because of the way I live in it, move in it, and adorn it. I don’t like that. But it’s the femme conundrum.

I am a transgendered stone butch and it is crucial that my lover respect my body image. I have a female body but like to be touched in a way that honors my masculinity.

I prefer for my butch to “run the fuck.” I love the feeling of lying in my lover’s arms as she ravishes me! It thrills me to see the love and lust in her eyes as she makes love to me.

Sometimes, when my femme has orgasmed many, many times, I lie with my head down by her cunt and use a vibrator, imagining it as my dick. Both of us find this very hot and I have powerful orgasms this way.

I adore only feminine women—and men, for that matter!

I am sassy and willful and not easy to “take down” sexually. I need the authority, confidence, and uncompromising identity of a stone butch. Being a stone femme means that I do not want a sex partner who expects a 50/50 sexual relationship (she gets me off and then I get her off). If a butch softens when she’s with me and lets me touch her genitals and breasts without resignifying them as male parts, then I most likely would not want to be with that person sexually again.

Ten Myths About Butch/Femme

1.
All bi girls are femme.
Not so. Some very hot, tough butches identify as bisexual.

2.
Butches are stronger than femmes. Masculine = strong; feminine = weak. Butch = top; femme = bottom.
If you believe this, go straight to your room and don’t come out until you have read Simone de Beauvoir’s
The Second Sex
.

3.
Butches don’t cry.
See #2. ’Nuff said.

4.
You have to locate yourself somewhere on the butch/femme continuum. Femmy butch. Butchy femme. Tomboy. Boychick. Butch. Femme.
Nope! You’re not required to label yourself. And if you identify one way now, that may not be your lifelong identity. Gender can change over time.

5.
Real butches don’t get penetrated. Well, maybe in the ass. But if you eroticize your female genitals, you’re not really butch.
No way. Many butches enjoy vaginal penetration—with fingers, dildos, and fists. And, while we’re on the subject, not all femmes like penetrative sex. And some butches love it.

6.
Femmes don’t wear power tools.
Some femmes strap on a dildo and love to penetrate their lovers. What could be more sexually intriguing than a beautiful woman with a surprise under her skirt?

7.
All femmes wear lipstick. And heels, garters, and lacy lingerie.
Not necessarily so! Lots of women identify as femme without any interest in traditional girl gear. Femme is about sexuality and gender—not necessarily fashion.

8.
Butches are big and femmes are small.
Butches and femmes come in all shapes and sizes. Butches can have 40DD tits and femmes can wear training bras—or no bra at all!

9.
All butches play sports.
Not true. Some butches play the piano. And some butches would rather go shopping than play football.

10.
All butches are attracted to femmes and vice versa.
Lots of butches prefer sex with other butches. And many femmes love femmes.

Suggested Web Links

BUTCH-FEMME.COM

www.butch-femme.com

THE INTERSEX SOCIETY OF NORTH AMERICA (ISNA)

www.isna.org

FTM INTERNATIONAL, INC.

www.ftmi.org

PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE’S JOURNAL

www.livejournal.com/community/partners_of_tg

chapter fifteen

Play Nice! (…or Else)

I don’t think all sex is about power, but playing with power in sex has taught me a lot about power in the “real” world.

DO YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT binding a partner’s wrists and ankles to the bedposts? Do you thrill to the notion of being helplessly bound? Perhaps your fantasies feature sensory deprivation—facilitated by blindfolds, hoods, body bags, gags, or elaborate bondage. Your tastes may run to erotic torture, denying and permitting your partners’ orgasms as you wish (“Ask me nicely.” “Please!” “No. Ask me again….”). You may employ sensual implements such as feathers and fur-covered paddles—or wield implements more traditionally associated with “heavy” S/M play, such as whips, crops, and canes. Your body may show permanent markings from cutting or branding.

Sadomasochism, dominance and submission, edge play, power exchange, and sensual magic are all names for a kind of sex play that involves the consensual transfer of power between partners. People use the term
S/M
to refer to a wide range of sexuality whether or not it really involves sadism or masochism.
BDSM
is an umbrella term combining bondage, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

Not all BDSM play involves pain—some devotees play for years with nary a bruise. Their interests are in dominance and submission, sensory deprivation, and sensation play. You can be extremely sadistic without laying a hand on your partner. (What could be more sadistic?) And not all BDSM players engage in the role play of dominance and submission; some folks simply enjoy a good, hard whipping.

What Is BDSM?

B/D
Bondage and Discipline
D/S
Dominance and Submission
S/M
Sadism and Masochism

What all BDSM players have in common, though, is that they use this edgy form of sexuality to push their comfort zone and discover something about themselves. They are investigating an area of human sexuality that may be scary and overwhelming in its intensity, yet can yield pleasures unattainable by other means. It’s most certainly taboo.

Why would you choose to play with dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, sensory deprivation, or physical pain in the context of sex? Well, because kinky sex is hot, of course. Many women find that dancing between safety and danger turns them on.

Ouch!!! (Yum…)

Why would someone like pain? Isn’t that sick? Not at all. The human nervous system has the capacity to process a huge range of sensations. Whether those sensations are experienced as pleasure or pain is a subjective matter.

Have you ever discovered “love bites” on your neck the morning after a particularly passionate night of sex—and wondered just when they occurred? You may find that when you’re sexually aroused, you thrill to sensations that under other circumstance you’d find annoying or intolerable. When you’re sufficiently turned on, a twist of the nipple or a bite on the inner thigh may, in fact, heighten your arousal.

The line separating pain and pleasure can get quite thin once your endorphins kick in. Endorphins are hormonelike chemicals released by your brain when the body is under stress or in pain. Runners speak of attaining a state of bliss when they push themselves beyond their perceived limits. You can get an endorphin high at the gym, during sex, or while energetically wielding a flogger in a long S/M scene. And you can get an endorphin high while experiencing pain.

Like opiates, endorphins don’t make the pain go away, but they make you feel awfully good while it’s happening. Under the right circumstances, you may be able to ride wave after wave of pain, breathing into the sensations as they radiate through your body. In fact, you may astonish yourself by requesting another and another and another….

There’s an eroticism to a rhythmic beating. The repetitive thud of a whip can translate directly into clitoral pulses….

What are the right circumstances for getting blissed-out on pain? Naturally, response to pain will vary from person to person. Here are some common ways to manipulate pain in BDSM play:

•
Warm up.
A gentle warm-up will help make your scene last. Begin your whipping—or spanking or paddling—with very light strokes, continuing until your partner’s buttocks or shoulders show a nice warm glow. A sensual whipping—in which no single stroke of the lash exceeds your partner’s perceived pain threshold—will leave her ready for something more intense.

•
Pacing.
Let your partner recover from one sensation before going on to the next. Intermittent hard beating, mixing sensual strokes with sharper strokes, will also help her take more pain and stretch her limits (if she so desires). After a painful blow, place the palm of your hand at the point of contact. Soothe the rising welt or mark with the warmth of your body.

•
Breathing.
As the receptive partner, breathe
into
the sensations; don’t hold your breath or tense your muscles
against
the pain. Ride with it.

•
Sensation.
Some women prefer thud to sting—or vice versa. Different toys produce different sensations. Generally, the thinner the toy, the more stinging its sensations. So a wide paddle or heavy flogger will produce a “thuddier” sensation than a thin rod or single-tailed whip. Some women who love the deep pounding of a heavy whip seem to be able to take it forever; others prefer the discrete, searing lines of pain laid down by an expert caning.

•
Erotic context.
Many women find they can take more pain when the context is eroticized. You may find that a finger slowly stroking your clitoris will more than ameliorate the pain of that strap on your butt.

•
Discipline and reward.
In some scenes, pain is a reward for a good deed; in others, it’s delivered as punishment for a mistake, real or imagined.

•
Submission.
Some women may find they can eroticize pain in the context of a dominance and submission scene. Simply put, they wish to please their top, and if the top enjoys administering a good beating, they aim to take it.

•
Masochism.
Finally, a masochist craves pain in the context of an S/M scene. Even when pain isn’t accompanied by erotic touching, and regardless of whether she gives a hoot about pleasing her top or whether the pain is being administered as punishment or reward, she may simply desire pain’s sensations.

Negotiation

As a top, I like to ask the bottom to pick the toys she likes best, plus one she would hate to feel. I love the physical act of flogging, the swing and rhythm of both bodies giving and receiving. Paddling as well, if only to have a woman on her knees or over my lap. I would have to say orgasm denial is my all-time favorite activity. The rewards are lovely.

Negotiating an S/M scene involves exploring each partner’s desires, needs, limits, and safety concerns to find a common ground from which to proceed. The keys to negotiation are honesty and mutual respect.

Negotiation is
not
about persuasion. Negotiation is an art all its own. You can negotiate a specific scene or an entire relationship. You can negotiate at a café over coffee, over the phone, or via email. You can even stop a scene to renegotiate a particular aspect of play. Longstanding partners may negotiate a scene in five minutes, while new partners may spend weeks discussing the details of a proposed scene. In fact, the anticipation may be half the fun.

Ten Benefits of BDSM Play

1. Kink is hot! Many women enjoy intense orgasms after a prolonged session of S/M play.

2. You can dance between pleasure and pain and enjoy an endorphin high.

3. You can let go of control—or take control. Few of us have safe or consensual opportunities in the daily grind to give up or take control.

4. You can play with dynamics that wouldn’t be safe or even desirable in “real” life.You wouldn’t really want to rape your girlfriend or be humiliated by your closest friends—yet playing with these may turn you on like nothing else.

5. You can take risks. For the thrill seeker, an S/M scene is like a three-hour roller coaster ride. Sure, you’re strapped in, but nevertheless you are hurtling toward the earth in an open car! You’ll not lack for thrills when you find yourself tied to a post in a basement dungeon as a hooded woman approaches wielding a long, thin whip….

6. You can surrender your fears and revel in that shadow side of yourself you’ve done so well to keep hidden. “I never knew I could be so mean.” “I didn’t know I would feel so, well, serene on my hands and knees polishing a pair of boots.”