The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (33 page)

• I’ll get an STD or another disease.

As the Insertive Partner, What Are Your Fears?

• I’ll hurt my partner or make her bleed.

• It will be dirty, and I’ll get shit on me.

• I won’t do it right.

• I won’t like it.

• My lover will think I’m weird for wanting it.

• I’ll get an STD or another disease.

While most of these fears have their roots in myths and misconceptions about anal sex, it is important to respect and validate your partner when she shares her fears. Reassure each other that either one of you can stop activity at any time and be fully supported by the other one. Set concrete ground rules and boundaries about what is OK and what isn’t; as experiences progress, the boundaries can change if needed. Each person needs to know that she will be safe from both pain and disease during anal sex and that there is mutual trust and respect.

Fear and tension that are not articulated and resolved will ultimately be felt in your anus, which will be tense and unwilling. Nina Hartley reminds us, “Of all the parts of your body, nothing knows a liar like your anus. So if your mind is saying ‘Yes! Yes!’ and your heart is saying ‘No! No!’ your anus will always listen to your heart.”
⁵

Having an open, honest discussion can help illuminate what each person wants from the experience and why, so that both people are less likely to make incorrect assumptions about the other person’s desires and expectations.You can ask each other, What do you want? What do you expect? What are your needs and desires?

• I want to work my way up to one finger, then stop.

• I want to be able to have the small dildo in my butt.

• I want everything to feel safe.

What have your previous experiences been with anal eroticism? Share them, discuss them.Why do you want to explore anal sensuality?

• I want to explore something new with my partner.

• I’m curious about what it feels like.

• I’ve done it before and want to do it again.

• You want to do it and I don’t want to say no to you.

• I want to feel closer to my lover.

• It’s something special and intimate and something I want to share with my partner.

• I saw it in a porn movie, it turned me on, and I want to try it.

• It’s always been a fantasy of mine.

Fantasies can be incredibly powerful forces in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Many people fantasize about erotic activities like anal sex but are afraid to vocalize their desires.The myths and misinformation about anal sex contribute to the silence and sometimes prevent us from satisfying our curiosities. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us communicate our needs and desires.

It is equally important to distinguish our fantasies from our realities. If your favorite masturbatory fantasy involves someone ramming your butt repeatedly with a swollen silicone dick that makes you come every time, don’t be surprised if you don’t get the same result when you try it out.There are some fantasies that we can share and help bring to life and others that should probably remain fantasies. Have realistic expectations for yourself and know the limits of your own body, especially when it comes to anal sex. One finger in your anus and a whisper in your ear about that big dick might just do the trick.

During the experience, talk to each other, find out what feels good and what doesn’t, what’s working and what’s not.

• How does this feel?

• Would you like more or less movement?

• Do you want me to play with your pussy while I’m doing your ass?

• How is this position?

• That feels great—keep doing it.

• I love doing this to you.

• Do you want another finger now?

Afterward, have a little debriefing session to review how it went and get feedback you can use for next time. Remind each other about goals you set. Did I go too fast, did I use enough lube? Was there enough in-and-out movement, or do you want more of just that pressure feeling? What did you like about my fingers versus the butt plug? Is there something I can do differently next time? Do you want more genital stimulation while I’m playing with your butt?

Compliments always feel good—criticism does not. Be generous when you communicate with your partner. If you want to tell her or him about something you didn’t like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? But make sure you do talk about what wasn’t pleasurable as well as what was pleasurable. Communication at all phases of an anal sex experience will ultimately enhance it, help both partners to articulate their needs, and, ideally, help everyone get what they want out of anal sex.

Illustration 14. Anal Penetration with Strap-On

How-To’s of Anal Penetration

• As the receptive partner, you’re in charge. Tell your partner exactly how you want to be penetrated.

• Use lube—lots of lube. You can warm the lube by running hot water over the bottle before you play.

• Snap on a glove and lube up just one finger. Build up slowly.

• Circle the anus, stroking just the opening; kiss and nibble her inner thighs and ass as you caress her anus.

• Tease her—give her less than she wants, and then a little more.

• Slide the pad of your finger inside. Don’t poke!

• Press toward the front or back of the rectum, move in circles inside her, thrust in and out.

• Slide a butt plug inside your partner—then penetrate her vaginally or stimulate her clitoris. (Position the tip of the plug beside her anus and enter her at an angle. Do not poke the plug into her.)

• With your dildo or fingers inside your partner, caress her breasts and belly.

• Climb on top of your partner and slowly lower yourself onto her dildo.

• Slide a vibrating cock ring over your dildo and grind against your partner’s butt.

• On your hands and knees, push back against your partner’s fingers or dildo.

• Bring out the toys—add nipple clamps, bondage, and vibrators to anal sex.

• Slip the fingers of one hand inside your partner’s vagina while the other hand penetrates her anus.

Positions for Anal Penetration

The only time I’ve had an orgasm with anal penetration was when I was on my knees and my partner inserted her finger into my anus and slowly moved it in and out while I held a vibrator on my clitoris.

Any position that works for vaginal penetration can be adapted for anal play. You can kneel or sit between your partner’s legs—a great position for finger-fucking, fisting, or penetration with a handheld dildo. Receptive partner on top is particularly useful for anal sex with a strap-on because the receptive partner can easily control the depth, speed, and intensity of her thrusts. Missionary position is also fine for strap-on anal sex. Many anal sex aficionados prefer missionary position in a sling to any other anal sex position. Side by side will work for more gentle and slow penetration.

Rear entry is a favorite position for anal finger-fucking, fisting, and strap-on sex. This position allows the receptive partner a lot of movement; if the insertive partner remains still, she can completely control the action.

Illustration 15. Anal Penetration with Butt Plug

Toys for Anal Penetration

Once again, lube tops the shopping list. When it comes to anal penetration, lubricant is the most important item in your toy chest. Unlike the vagina, the rectum is
not
self-lubricating. And the tissue of the rectum, while elastic, is fragile and easily torn.

Many women switch to oil-based lubes, like Crisco, for anal play. Oil-based lubes do not evaporate as quickly as water-based lubes. They are thicker and more viscous and create a more slippery feel. Some find that mixing olive oil with their favorite thick water-based lube will make a slipperier concoction.

However, I encourage the use of water-based lubricant for two reasons: First, if, despite your best efforts, lube should drip from the anus into the vagina, the use of oil-based lube will make a bad situation worse. Not only will you get anal bacteria in your vagina, but the oil will help it stay there. Second, petroleum products break down latex, causing small perforations in condoms and gloves.

Can you use oil-based lube safely for anal penetration? Yes, but with care. First, take extra precautions to make sure lube doesn’t drip from the anus into the vagina. Second, change your glove every 15 minutes. The oil will not degrade the latex in your glove in less than 15 minutes. Condoms, however, are much thinner than latex gloves; if you use oil-based lube with a latex condom, assume that you will have to disinfect the toy after use—since the oil will have made pinprick holes in the condom. If you really want to use an oil-based lube with your dildo, invest in polyurethane condoms. (
Never
use oil-based lube on a latex condom covering a penis—after coming in contact with petroleum in the lube, the condom will offer you no protection.)

Nitrile gloves—in addition to being useful for people with latex allergies—can be used safely with oil-based lube.

There are a few basic rules for choosing toys for anal penetration:

• The toy must have a flared base to prevent it from slipping inside your rectum and working its way into the colon. Anal beads must be securely fastened to their string and have a ring on the end to hold onto.

• The toy must have a smooth surface—no sharp edges or breakable parts.

• You must be able to clean the toy with antibacterial soap and hot water.

• If you intend to use the toy to penetrate your partner deeply, it must be flexible enough to maneuver the curves of the rectum.

Many toys used for vaginal penetration, such as dildos and harnesses, work well for anal penetration. There are also toys designed specifically for anal play. Butt plugs are designed to stay inside the rectum. They take advantage of the sphincter muscles’ tendency to grip around an object. Butt plugs range in size from a few inches long and no thicker than your thumb to bigger than a fist. You can even find butt plugs shaped like star fruit. You can purchase a variety of vibrating butt plugs as well.

Anal beads are small balls attached to a string. During anal play, you insert the progressively larger orbs into your partner’s rectum. When she’s about to come, you pull them out. Traditionally, anal beads were made from cheap hard plastic and even had sharp seams that had to be filed down. Now you can find anal beads in a variety of materials, including silicone, which is much softer and more hygienic (you can boil silicone to clean it).