The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (37 page)

7. You can strip away the armor of daily life.“Pain and humiliation move me to a raw place where I can access my genuine self, without fear or hesitation,” wrote one woman.

8. You can experience healing and catharsis in letting go and trusting yourself (and your partner) at such a core level.

9. You can experience heightened intimacy with your partner as you embark on an erotic adventure together.

10. You may discover a spiritual component in the transcendence of everyday concerns, the quest for self-transformation, and the ritual of an S/M scene.

Many women say they learned more about healthy boundaries from S/M negotiation than from any support group or self-help book. Negotiating an S/M scene puts in stark relief the kind of self-denial that often masquerades as “politeness.” To negotiate an S/M scene, you must know what you want and be willing to name it. You’re expected to state your desires in detail and without justification, and to say no to anything you don’t want—no explanation necessary. You’re expected to take care of your wants and needs and let your partner take care of hers.

For many women, the open communication required in scene negotiation is a relief from the unspoken demands and contracts that can creep into many relationships (“If I do
X
for you, you’ll do
Y
for me”). As one woman wrote, “I prefer to have my power exchange up front and out on the table.”

So how
do
you negotiate a scene? Scene negotiation is best conducted between equals (that is, not in top/bottom roles) and outside of a sexual context. Everyone has a favorite method. You can pull out your Erotic Play list from chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy, and mark each item “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” Your choices can be good for a day, for a month, or for one particular scene with one particular partner. You can begin by asking yourself (and your partner) a few basic questions:

What type of scene are you interested in? Do you fantasize elaborate role play with costumes and props—
Mutiny on the Bounty?
Or perhaps genteel torture in a Victorian boarding-school scene? Would you like to be tied to a whipping post and flogged in front of six of your friends?

What are your essential ingredients for a hot scene? Is bondage essential? An exquisite collection of S/M toys? What about orgasm? A woman who plays as a submissive bottom wrote, “I want to be fully recognized. I want to give myself up to someone else for the pure pleasure of having her be completely attentive to and conscious of me.”

What are your limits? Will you take a paddle? A cane? What about blood play? Is it OK to leave bruises? “I get off on seeing the marks I’ve left,” wrote one woman. “I’m impressed by the body’s reactions, the redness, swelling, and bruising. I like to admire my work the next day.”

What are the things you might like to try? “I fantasize about sensory deprivation, being blindfolded, gagged, and having my hands immobilized in thick rubber mitts,” wrote another.

Would you like to try play piercing? Over-the-knee spanking? Behaving like a brat?

What are the things you
don’t
want to try? No breaking the skin? No humiliation play? No resistance? No anal penetration?

What’s your safeword? (Remember: Tops need safewords, too.)

(See chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners, for more on communication skills.)

Creating the S/M Scene: Ritual and Theater

Much like a theatrical performance, an S/M scene has characters, a setting, and a beginning, middle, and end. (If you like, you can think of an S/M scene as having much the same framework as a classic three-act play.)

And, like a ritual or spiritual practice, an S/M scene may evoke meaning that’s larger than the moment. Shining your Master’s boots in the context of a dominance/submission scene will have a far greater meaning than polishing your wingtips alone at home.

What kind of scene do you wish to create? Will your scene involve pain and sensation play? Role play and costumes? Service? Resistance? Submission?

Illustration 16. Over-the-Knee Spanking

Who will be the participants? Generally, the top directs the action in the scene and the bottom receives the top’s attentions or does the top’s wishes. (I say “generally” because you can negotiate these roles to mean anything you wish.) While some women exclusively identify as a top or a bottom, most identify as “switches,” alternating between roles. Do you want to be the top? Or the bottom?

What kind of top do you want to be? A slave Master or the Daddy of a disobedient child? Do you wish to inflict pain? Do you want to be obeyed? Worshipped? Resisted? Do you want to “force” yourself on your partner sexually? Do you want to embarrass or humiliate your partner? Do you want to dominate her?

What kind of bottom do you want to be? Do you want to be a slave or a pet? A brat? Do you wish to be controlled? Disciplined? Trained? Punished?

Where will your scene take place? In your bedroom? At a play party? How will your scene start? Many BDSM players use a ritual item, such as a locked collar, as a device for signaling the beginning and end of a scene. At the start of the scene, the collar goes on; at the end of the scene, out comes the key, the lock is snapped open, and the collar goes back in the toy chest.

Pushing the Emotional Edges

Many women opt for play that intentionally pushes their buttons—their psychological buttons, that is. An assault survivor may negotiate a rape scene—as either the victim or the rapist. A survivor of childhood sexual abuse may engage in Daddy/girl or Mommy/boy role play—as either the parent or the child. A woman who struggles with sexual shame may negotiate a scene in which she’s “forced” to perform sexually in front of a group of strangers (who, of course, have consented to witness her “humiliation”).

I like the loss of control. I like being in my top’s hands and, in theory at least, not being able to get away.

Thank God this is anonymous. I’ve never admitted this to anyone, so please protect my privacy. Yes, I fantasize about rape with me being the “victim.” This is difficult to express because I’ve always been such a strong advocate for women’s rights. I’m strongly antiviolence and have been in a domestic abuse situation, so I have a difficult time making sense out of my rape fantasy….

Why would anyone want to do such a thing as enact a rape scenario? Well, often things that make us uncomfortable also arouse us sexually—at times, it seems that the erotic charge is in direct proportion to the degree of unease we feel. Things that make us feel intense shame or anger can also evoke great sexual heat. Playing with emotional hot buttons is, well, hot.

I love being taken care of by my Daddy. I have a whole bunch of fantasies where I’m a little girl and am made to please Daddy.

Subjects that we keep under wraps—such as taboo fantasies and imagined complicities—may ignite an especially potent erotic charge. Do you feel guilty about having rape fantasies? Do you feel that your erotic response to your abuse history means you secretly wanted it? Not so! Sex is sex, and abuse is abuse. Sex is consensual, and abuse is not. If you’re ever confused about this, compare a negotiated sexual encounter with an incident of abuse. The differences will be quite apparent. See “S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M),” below, for clarity.

In fact, the more you practice negotiation—whether for an S/M scene, a sexual encounter, or a trip to the Grand Canyon with your lover and her two kids—the more easily you’ll recognize the difference between the negotiated consensuality of a mutually respectful relationship and the nonnegotiated manipulation and coercion of abuse. Still confused? Try concocting a (non)erotic (non)play list of your abuse history. List everything that happened between you and your abuser. Now, write “yes” next to every item you desired and
explicitly negotiated to achieve.
What? Not writing yet? Of course not! Abuse has nothing in common with consensual sex.

Some women consciously choose to play with the dynamics of abandonment and abuse because they want to understand themselves. Hardly a substitute for a good therapist, yet an S/M partner can help you facilitate a scene in which you get a good look at yourself. What about that traumatic experience is yet unresolved? Where do you feel shame? Where do you feel pride?

You can even turn the story around. S/M can be a tool in healing. As Patrick Califia writes, “As a top, I find the old wounds and unappeased hunger. I nourish. I cleanse and close the wounds. I devise and mete out appropriate punishments for old, irrational ‘sins.’ I trip up the bottom, I see her as she is, and I forgive her and turn her on and make her come, despite her feelings of unworthiness or self-hatred or fear…. A good scene doesn’t end with orgasm—it ends with catharsis.”
¹

My girlfriend surprised me by planning a scene to fulfill my rape fantasy. It was a powerful experience because the concept of rape was twisted and turned into sexual play between two women who trust and care about each other. Being a rape survivor, I thought our rape scene might bring up some old issues, but it actually didn’t at all. The scene was totally about us—my girlfriend and me.

S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M)

Teach Yourself Some New Tricks

A how-to guide to BDSM could fill volumes. (See the bibliography in chapter 19.) Here are some favorite techniques, tools, and tricks:

Bondage

Many novice tops discover the pleasure of restraint by tying a partner to the bedpost with their favorite silk scarf. Scarves, twine, and other thin ropes are handy—you probably have some around the house. But they’re not the best choice for bondage gear. The knot in that silk scarf will get tighter and tighter with stress and may prove impossible to undo in a hurry. Thin rope or string can cut into the skin like a garrote. Even if the string doesn’t pierce the skin, it can cut off the circulation or cause nerve damage.

Thick rope not only is safer, but it’s sensual and easy to manipulate. Choose rope that’s a minimum of ¼ inch thick. A rope that’s ½ inch thick will be even more sensuous. Be generous. Get a good long piece—25 to 50 feet. You’ll find ropes in a variety of colors, thicknesses, and materials on spools at the hardware store. Good rope isn’t cheap—prepare to pay at least 50 cents a foot for high-quality rope.

For those of us whose homes aren’t equipped with a St. Andrew’s cross—the larger-than-life wooden
X
that serves as the centerpiece of most dungeons—an ordinary chair will provide a fine bondage station. Seat your partner in the chair with her feet firmly planted on the floor. Begin by winding rope around her waist, binding her to the chair. If her arms are at her sides, you can include them in the bundle for a mummy effect. You can leave her breasts free by circling them in a figure eight as you wrap her torso. If her hands are placed in front of her, palms together, you can wind rope between and around her wrists in a figure eight. And if the back of the chair is low enough, you can bind her hands behind her back; make sure her shoulder joints aren’t stressed. Wind rope around each leg, binding it to a leg of the chair.

If you double the rope, you can wind the doubled strand around and around, and then pull the ends through the loop in the middle. You can tie off the job with any easy-to-undo knot; if the knot is out of reach of your partner’s hands, she’ll be pretty secure. Illustration 17 (below) shows an alternative arrangement. Seated rope bondage offers numerous possibilities—use your imagination.

Since your partner is seated, and her wrists and ankles aren’t stressed, too tightly bound, or held in a difficult position, she can stay in this type of bondage comfortably for quite a while.

In some scenes, your goal may be to put the bottom in bondage that allows no movement, leaving her completely at your mercy. In other scenes, the point is to allow the bottom the feel of the ropes themselves. The sensuality of being bound can give her a feeling of being held, much like a corset. As you wind the rope around your partner’s torso, tell her that the rope is an extension of you, that it’s your desire that’s holding her in place. That feeling of being held by her top can provide your partner a delicious feeling of security. Thus bound, she can “let go.”