The World's Loudest Armpit Fart (11 page)

As Tebogo paddled into the river to release the tadpoles from his trousers, he discovered
why
the fishermen use boats – he and all the tadpoles in his pants were gobbled up by a huge hungry crocodile. Now, both Tebogo Selepeng and the Lesser-spotted Limpopo Trouser Frog are
definitely
extinct.

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

Danny and Matthew leaned into the gusting wind as they walked into town, heading for the Sports Centre.

‘This weather’s perfect for flying a kite,’ said Danny.

‘Yeah,’ agreed Matthew. ‘Let’s go up to Miggin’s Mop this afternoon. You could try for the Highest Kite-flying world record.’

Danny shook his head. ‘Not today. I’m going to stay in the pool until closing-time. Now that you’ve made the Wrinkleometer, I want to have a go at the Whole-body Skin-wrinkles world record.’

They approached the top of Tempest Road.

‘Cow biscuits?’ wondered Danny.

‘Garibaldis?’ suggested Matthew.

The boys rounded the corner and sucked the gorgeous smell from the biscuit factory up their nostrils.

‘Oaty bobnobs!’

Once inside the Sports Centre, they got changed and entered the pool. Matthew kept walking towards the Deep End, to be with the strong swimmers and big kids. Danny remained at the shallow end, where the weak swimmers and the little kids were. His white, rubbery Verrucablaster! Containment Sock squeezed his left foot uncomfortably.

Danny lowered himself into the cold water, took a deep breath and swam a slow but determined width across the pool.

‘Well done, kiddo!’ shouted Trevor, the instructor. ‘You’re getting better every week.’

Danny kept glancing over at Matthew and Natalie as the good swimmers practised their racing dives. He wanted to join them
so
much.

Natalie noticed Danny looking. She stuck her tongue out at him, then made fun of his swimming by pretending to doggy-paddle.

That did it: he
had
to Cross The Line and swim to The Grid.

Danny launched himself from the end of the pool and began to swim towards the Deep End. As he reached halfway, he sensed the deep water below him and started to panic. His head went under the surface and he came up spluttering and coughing.

The end of a long white pole appeared in front of him and Danny grabbed it gratefully. From the edge of the pool, Trevor guided him back to the shallow water.

‘Good try, kiddo,’ he said. ‘Have a rest and stay down this end. I don’t want to have to rescue you a second time.’

Danny stood in the water at the side of the pool and got his breath back.

Matthew swam over to him. ‘Hey, Dan, guess what I’ve just heard? Tiggy Jenkins told me that our flipper-wave washed all the sticky gloop out of the plugholes in the girls’ showers. The caretaker shovelled it into a big pile and it’s still there! Tiggy’s sister said it’s gross!’

‘Ace!’ replied Danny, cheering up at once. ‘Let’s go and take a look!’

The boys climbed out of the pool and sauntered casually towards the entrance of the girls’ changing rooms. Danny took a quick glance over his shoulder, checking that no one had noticed them.

‘Now!’ he said, darting through the door.

A horrible sight was waiting for them. The glistening black mass of slimy, hairy goo lurked in a dark corner by the lockers, like an alien killer blob.

‘Ace,’ breathed Danny.

‘Cool,’ agreed Matthew.

Danny examined it closely. ‘This stuff’s just what I need to make my woolly-mammoth model for history.’

He searched around for something to scoop it into, and his eyes fell on Natalie’s spare swimming cap sticking out of her backpack.

‘Perfect!’

Danny filled the cap with dollops of the greasy plughole gloop. Just then, they heard the shrill ‘peep’ of Trevor’s whistle.

‘Come on!’ urged Matthew. ‘We’ve got to go back before they notice we’ve gone!’

Danny shoved the bulging hat into a large pocket of Natalie’s bag and zipped it up quickly.

‘I’ll get it out later,’ said Danny as the boys hurried out of the girls’ changing room. He jumped back into the water. ‘I’m going to hang around here for the rest of the day and get wrinkly.’

Matthew smiled. ‘I’ll come back around teatime with the Wrinkleometer at the ready!’

Dear Mr Bibby

Last Sunday I stayed almost all day in the shallow end of Penleydale Pool. I only got out to have a wee. I’d have stayed in even longer, but Mum sent Natalie to drag me out because my tea was ready.

By then, my whole body was like a big white prune. I’ve seen lots of prunes, because my Grandma Florrie eats them every day to keep her Regular, whatever that means.

Matthew had made a Wrinkleometer to work out my Skin-wrinkle Index.

The deepest and longest wrinkle he found started on my belly, stretched around my side, carried on over my bottom, down my left leg and stopped just above my left knee.

He used the Wrinkle-length Wheel Attachment to measure the wrinkle, and it was 91 cm long.

Then he used the Wrinkle-depth Dipstick Attachment, and found the wrinkle was 3.9 cm deep at one point.

The crinkliest wrinkle was under my chin. It was only 16.5 cm long, but when Matthew used the Wrinkle-crinkle Gauge, he said it had seven crinkles per centimetre, making 115.5 crinkles per wrinkle.

I had 574 separate wrinkles on my body.

Matthew worked out that my Skin-wrinkle Index was 367.

It took nearly one and a half hours to make all these measurements. My tea went cold, Mum says I’m grounded for a week (except for football practice), and I’ve got a really bad cold from sitting in the water so long.

Was it all worth it? Are my wrinkles the wrinkliest, crinkliest ever?

Best wishes

Danny Baker