To Love Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 1) (13 page)

Her thumb traced a slow pattern along the back of one of his hands.

He closed his eyes as he savored the sensation of it. Despite the bulky clothes they wore, he could feel the shape of her against his body. He memorized the curve and slope of her back, the rise of her hips, even her softness as she sat on his knee.

As seductive as the experience of her body so close to his was, it was also strange. Though he’d loved Amy, more than he ever thought he could love anyone else, he never savored her this way. He never valued every subtle brush of her body against his, or the pink flush that he now saw filling Nicole’s cheeks. It was as if every subtle detail, from the flutter of her lashes to the shape of her lips, sparked a new desire within him. Even that was new and different for him.

The desire was, of course, to experience her in every way possible, but it was more than that too. Her body was beautiful, but it was Nicole—the person she was—that had his head spinning with need. More than his desperation for that physical connection, he could not imagine the rest of his life without her in it.

Gavin, you’re nuts. It’s only been a few days.

But his arms tightened around her. He snuggled her back against him, more to reassure himself that she was still there than to keep her warm. A subtle sigh escaped her lips. She rested her head back against his shoulder, which allowed her lips to near the curve of his neck. His mouth grew dry as he imagined the warmth of her mouth on such sensitive skin. He closed his eyes. She wasn’t ready, he couldn’t push her, but this was torture.
 

“Tell me about your life.” He spoke to distract himself but out of curiosity as well. He shifted her on his knee so that she could rest more comfortably against him. “What’s your favorite memory?”
 

She was silent for some time. He even glanced at her to see if she was asleep. But her eyes had a glazed look as if it was a difficult question for her to answer.
 

“I guess it was this little creek beside my house. I would go swimming there when I was a girl. The water was always warm and calm.”
 

“That sounds lovely. Do you still visit?”
 

“Oh, no—not really. Life got too busy, you know. Then my parents moved closer to me to be near the—” She coughed. “Near the family.”
 

“That’s nice.” He glanced back at the fire. “I don’t have much extended family. Unless you count my buddy Lance, who’s been like a brother to me since we were kids.”
 

“Then I would definitely count him. But what about your parents? Any siblings?”
 

“No. It was just my mother for some time. She passed away when I was in my twenties. It’s strange. Now when I look back, all of it feels so distant.”
 

“I’m sorry for your loss, Gav.” She brushed her lips across his cheek. “It’s hard to lose your mother, no matter how distant it might feel right now.”
 

“You’re right. It doesn’t matter how I shut things out, they’re still there.” He brushed his lips along the curve of her cheek. “It’s funny, I don’t talk about this kinda stuff with anyone, but when I’m with you, I feel comfortable. Do you feel the same?”
 

“Yes.” Nicole paused.

He heard the pause, despite the fact that it should have blended in with the silence that followed. He’d noticed during their past few conversations that she seemed to be holding back. Something wasn’t right.

He shifted her on his knee until she was partially facing him. When he looked into her eyes the glow of the firelight revealed a hint of fear.
 

“What is it, Nic? What aren’t you telling me?”
 

“What do you mean?” She looked back toward the fire.

He gently took her chin in his hand and turned her face back to him.
 

“If you don’t trust me, tell me now. I’ll do whatever it takes to fix it. I’ll do whatever you ask me to. Please, just be honest with me.”
 

“Gavin.” She lowered her eyes. Her lips moved as if she might speak, then they settled shut again. “I do trust you.” She kissed his cheek, then his lips.

Though he savored the kiss, he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d offered it to stop him from asking more questions.

Chapter 27

Nicole deepened the kiss. Even when Gavin tried to pull away from her, she insisted that the kiss continue. Her arms wrapped around his neck. She shifted on his lap until her legs were draped comfortably across it. Her body ached with her desire to be with him, but that wasn’t the main reason that she’d kissed him.

She didn’t want to answer his questions—not just yet, anyway. The more he asked, the more anxious she became. How would he react when she finally told him? She couldn’t believe that she’d even gotten herself into a situation where she hadn’t just been honest about the fact that she had children. What was she thinking, pretending that she didn’t? The mixture of emotions flowing through her made it difficult to even fathom what might happen next.

Finally Gavin cupped his hands over her shoulders and gave her a gentle push to break the kiss.

She looked away from him toward the fire.
 

“Nic, I have to tell you something.”
 

She reluctantly looked back at him. Was there some secret that he hadn’t yet revealed about himself? She almost hoped that this would be the case.

He put his hands on both sides of her face and gazed into her eyes.
 

“This might be too soon. I might frighten you away, but I can’t deny it. It doesn’t have to make sense—it’s just the truth.”
 

“What is it?” She held her breath as he continued to look into her eyes.
 

“I’ve fallen for you—as in big time, Nic.” He laughed a little. “I’ve only been in love one other time in my life, and the way I feel about you makes that seem like just a crush. I don’t want to hide the truth from you. I want more than just tomorrow or next week. I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me. I just need for you to know that.”

She felt him studying her features, awaiting her reaction. His words made her heart race. She was sure that he meant everything he was saying, but it couldn’t be real—not when there was so much she hadn’t told him.
 

“I think I’ve fallen for you too, Gavin. I didn’t think it was possible.” She bit into her bottom lip. “But you know, there’s a lot we don’t know about one another.”
 

“I know that, but we’ll learn as we go. I’m not afraid to see what happens. Are you?”
 

“No.” She looked back at the stars above them. “I just think we should enjoy what we have right this second.”
 

“How about a walk?” He brushed his hand across her shoulder. “We can look at the stars together.”

 
“That sounds perfect.” She stood up and reached down to grab her purse. She only grabbed one strap, causing it to tilt and the contents to spill out onto the ground around the chair where Gavin still sat. “Oh, I’m so clumsy.” She frowned and began gathering up the items that had fallen out.
 

“Don’t want to forget this.” He reached down and picked up her wallet, which had tumbled under the leg of the chair.

She turned around just in time to see it in his hands.
 

“Oh, thanks.” She reached for it, but he pulled his hand back slightly.
 

“Who’s this?” He held up her wallet.

The moment that Nicole saw the flap open, her heart dropped. She didn’t have to see it to know what he was referring to. It was the photograph of her and the kids. It hadn’t occurred to her to take it out. Her crazy thought about being single without any responsibilities was just a fun temporary way to enjoy her vacation. But as Gavin looked from the picture to her with wide curious eyes, it struck her that he might not find it so fun.

He’d asked her to be honest, and in most things she had been. But the fact that she’d not yet mentioned that she was a mother? Some men didn’t want anything to do with single moms. That didn’t matter to her earlier—before she’d started to feel so close to Gavin—only because she hadn’t expected anything to come from their connection. But now, it seemed as if she’d constructed an entire life devoid of what was most important to her.

“Nic?”
 

She reached out and took the wallet from him. If he saw the tremble in her hand, he didn’t mention it. She looked down into the smiling faces of her children and realized that she’d betrayed more than just her role as a mother. She’d betrayed herself by not revealing just how much of her life was shaped by her children. Though she might regret some parts of her marriage, never once did she regret her children, and to keep them a secret indicated that she might.

Her voice shook as she began to speak.
 

“This is Jordan.” She brushed a fingertip along her son’s face. “And this is Melody.” She glanced up at Gavin.

His brows knit together. His lips parted as he searched for words. She could sense his confusion and it heightened her anxiety.
 

“Your niece and nephew?” He looked into her eyes. “You never mentioned them. They must be important to you.”
 

“No. They’re not my niece and nephew.” Her heartbeat quickened. “They’re my children.” She looked away before she could see his reaction. She didn’t have to see it. She heard it. He laughed a little too loud.
 

“Very funny. After all we’ve talked about, you have two secret kids? Who are they, really?” He smiled at her.
 

Nicole bit into her bottom lip. “They are my kids. I can explain.”

Chapter 28

Gavin seemed to be studying her before speaking, and the look Nicole was seeing on his face was not one of understanding.

“Explain?” His voice lifted. “I don’t know how you could explain this.” He met her eyes with such force that she winced.
 

“I guess you’re not really fond of children.” She toyed with her wallet, then sealed it shut. She tucked it back into her purse as he turned away from her.

When he looked back, his cheeks were red.
 

“How I feel about children has nothing to do with this, Nicole.” He stared at her in a way that made her feel as if everything he’d felt about her had changed in one awful moment. “Obviously you haven’t taken any of this seriously. Now I know why you were evading all my questions about your life and what was most important to you. So everything you’ve told me has been a lie—lie after lie.” He covered his eyes with one of his hands and grimaced. “You must think I’m a complete fool. I told you I was falling in love with you…” His voice trailed off.
 

“Gavin, please. Try to understand.” She reached for his hand.

He jerked it out of her grasp and shot her a pained look.
 

“It’s going to take a lot to get me to understand something like this. But fine. Go ahead. Justify to me why it’s been okay for you to keep such a huge part of your life from me. I mean, you don’t just forget you have kids, do you?”
 

She blinked back tears as pain rippled through her chest. All she wanted to do was slow the momentum of his anger, but her attempts only seemed to be making it worse.
 

“I just wanted a chance to be me. I’ve been Mom, and nothing else, for so long. I thought while I was here, I’d just be me. Not Mom—just me.”
 

“Oh, is that it?” He shrugged. “On your little fling away you decided to reinvent yourself? I don’t blame you there. I’m glad you had your fun. I’m glad that you’ve spent this entire time, when I thought we were building something real, lying to my face. I just can’t help but wonder, why did it have to be me? Why does every woman I fall for turn out to be a liar?”
 

She narrowed her eyes but had no real way to defend herself. “I thought I was going to be here alone for the vacation. Then we met, and—well, I didn’t think it was going to lead to something more. If I’d known what I know now, I would have told you the truth from the start. You have to believe me. When things got so intense between us, I was afraid to tell you because I’d waited so long. I was going to tell you tonight. I swear I was.”
 

“Tonight?” He grabbed both of her hands and tugged her toward him in a way that drew her so close that she could see the tremble in his jaw. “I guess you thought you’d tell me that after you told me that you’d fallen for me—that you’d trusted me and wouldn’t keep anything from me. Was that it? When?” He searched her eyes even as she tried to pull her hands from his.

His grip was firm, but she didn’t fight hard. She wanted the feel of his warmth against her skin for as long as she could have it.
 

“I was waiting for the right time.”
 

“The right time?” He shook his head and closed his eyes. He drew her hands to his lips and kissed each one before releasing them. “The right time would have been when you saw that I was being honest with you. It would have been when I’d asked you to be honest with me.”
 

“Gavin, please. It was a mistake.” She tried to meet his eyes, but he looked away from her. She tried to take his hands again, but he brushed her hands away.
 

“You had many opportunities to tell me the truth.” He shook his head and ran his hands back through his hair. “I get that you wanted a break from being a mom, but you had no right to break my heart in the process. I can’t believe I let myself get so wound up in this. It was ridiculous from the beginning.”
 

As she sensed his retreat, she began to panic. Not until that moment, when she was certain that she was losing him, did she realize that what she’d done had broken the beautiful thing that was being born between them. It shattered any hope of a relationship in a way that Nicole didn’t think could be repaired.
 

“Well, if that’s how you really feel, then maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve not shared more with you.” She tried to hide the hurt in her voice with anger, but it still wavered.