To Love Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 1) (18 page)

She grabbed a tissue and wiped at her lips. Did she even know who she was under her make-up? Did she exist without her sexy dress?

It dawned on her that she hadn’t really thought about the future in a very long time. She wanted to live in the moment, but the truth was that it was entirely possible that she’d been avoiding herself.

Maybe it was time to embrace herself again. She needed a reboot of sorts.

She sat back down at the computer. Instead of logging into the usual dating sites she used, she logged into her favorite travel site.

As she perused her options for a getaway trip, she discovered a special for a week-long trip to Bermuda. It certainly was in her price range. As a music industry executive, she made a very good income. Instead of spending it on new first-date outfits, she decided to use it for a much-needed vacation.

As she booked her trip, she also made the decision to embrace it as a solo journey. She wanted to recharge and get to know herself again. That meant no dates and no men.

Once the itinerary was settled, she felt a sense of relief, followed by a burst of excitement. Sun, waves, and peace—she couldn’t imagine anything better.

With a push of a button she turned off her phone, then she poured herself a tall glass of wine. She sat back and stared into the calm liquid. So many years of her life had been spent alone. Although she’d always had company—and a few guys she could call up if she wanted to have a fun night out—essentially she was alone.

It had never occurred to her, in the midst of all the wild adventures, that she might actually be lonely. But as she took a sip of her wine, she felt that familiar dull ache in the pit of her stomach. It had been there for some time, but she’d ignored it. Now she recognized it for what it was—a subtle, pushed-down longing.

She closed her eyes and imagined just for a moment what it would be like to look into the eyes of a man who truly loved her. That one moment of fantasy was enough to unleash a flood of desire.

She opened her eyes and took another sip of her wine. Maybe, just maybe, that was something that she wanted. But she was still not convinced that it was even possible. Maybe spending some time with just herself would reveal whether or not love was a risk she wanted to take.

In a few days she’d be in paradise. Until then she’d have to explore this new perspective. Maybe it would only last as long as her vacation, but she wondered if there was a part of her that would never be satisfied with casual dating again.

Chapter 2

Dane Jackson gazed across the grass to his son as the teenager jogged to retrieve the football. He enjoyed any time he had with Thomas, as he knew it was fleeting. It amazed him that the lanky boy who jogged back toward him was the same tiny being that he’d held in his arms eighteen years before. Now he was a remarkable young man, but to Dane, Thomas was still too young to be an adult.
 

“Dad, this is our last trip together. I mean I’m sure that we’ll do stuff in the future, but you know—I’ll be busy, and I just want us to have a great time.”
 

“I appreciate that, Thomas.” He squeezed his son’s shoulder. “More than you know. But I’m still getting my hair cut,” he said in reference to an earlier conversation whereby Thomas was trying to convince him to let his hair grow a little longer.

“Well, at least have it done at a shop. Don’t try to do it in the bathroom mirror again. Remember what happened last time?” He raised a thick eyebrow and rolled his eyes.
 

“Alright, that I can agree with. Your mother used to do such a great job of cutting my hair. I certainly didn’t learn anything from her.” He chuckled. “Do you need anything for the trip? How are you on underwear?”
 

“Dad! I’m eighteen, no more asking me about underwear.” He shook his head and looked away from his father. A moment later he looked back with a sheepish smile. “I probably could use a few pairs.”
 

“Alright, I’ll pick some up after I get my haircut. Anything else?”
 

“No, I don’t think so.”
 

“Listen, I know we haven’t talked that much about—you know…” He cleared his throat. “It’s important you get some protection—just in case.”
 

“What? A gun?” Thomas’s eyes widened as the meaning of his dad’s words dawned on him. “Oh, Dad! Please! Don’t talk to me about that. Trust me, I can take care of myself in that department.”
 

“Alright, but there’s not always time, and I just want you to be safe.”
 

“I have no interest in having kids any time soon. I know everything I need to know, and I’d rather not discuss it with you, thank you very much.”
 

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry. I just want to be sure you’re safe.”
 

“What about you?” Thomas raised an eyebrow. “Do you have some?”
 

“Me?” Dane laughed.
 

“Dad, maybe it’s time you and I had a talk about modern dating.”
 

“Don’t make me regret not sending you to a military school.” He narrowed his eyes.

Thomas grinned. “Well, I’ll have extra, if you happen to need some.”
 

“Thanks, but I won’t be needing them. Maybe I don’t know the ways of modern dating, but that’s fine with me. I know how to respect myself—and how to treat a lady. Wait, what?” He blinked. “Are you trying to tell me something, Thomas?”
 

“No, not at all. Let’s just have a good vacation, okay, Dad?”
 

“I think we’re going to be spending a lot of time together.” He hooked his arm around his son’s shoulders and playfully squeezed his neck. “You might need to spend another year at home before I let you go off to college.”
 

“No way! I can’t wait.” Thomas rubbed his hands together. “I am going to make the most out of every minute!”
 

“I bet you will.” Dane grinned. “I’ll pick you up around five for dinner, alright?”
 

“Sure. I’ll be ready.”
 

As Dane walked out of the yard and into the driveway a sudden fear washed over him. Was Thomas right? He wasn’t sure that he’d ever be interested in dating again, but even if he was, was he so out of the loop that it would be impossible to succeed at it?

He opened the car door and settled in. When he slid the key into the ignition and turned it, a familiar song came on the radio. It was the song that he and Pam had danced to on their first date. It was the song that they’d danced to at their wedding. It was the song that he’d played at her funeral. It was the song that he still hummed at night when he had a hard time falling asleep.

He closed his eyes as emotions washed over him.

No matter how many years slipped by, there were certain moments when he was right back in time after the doctor had delivered the news. It made his entire body quake with the desire to have her back in his arms. He gripped the steering wheel and willed himself to be strong.

Over the years he’d tried therapy—he’d tried many different hobbies meant to fulfill him in some way. He was well aware that Pam would want him to be happy—to not dwell on her absence. She’d even told him just that when they’d been informed about the risks of the surgery.

She’d forced him to sit through a tear-filled conversation about what she hoped life would be like for him if she was no longer there. One of her most adamant requests had been that he find love again. He recalled how heated that conversation had become at that point.
 

“Dane, you’ve been the most amazing husband to me. You’re the type of man that a woman dreams of spending her life with. If that woman can’t be me, it should be someone wonderful for you—someone you deserve. The way you love—it shouldn’t be wasted.”
 

“I only love the way I do because of you, Pam. How could you ask me to love anyone else when you are it for me? I know you’re scared. I’m scared too, but I can’t promise you that.”
 

She’d taken his hand then and held it so tightly. “I am sad that this has happened. I’m devastated
 
that there’s nothing we can do to fix it—if the surgery doesn’t work. But even if I don’t make it through, I’ll not regret a moment I’ve spent with you. You have given me the gift of a beautiful life.

“What scares me the most is the idea that you’d spend the rest of your life alone.” She’d searched his eyes, though they were swollen with tears. “I don’t know what would happen if I were gone, but I know what I’d want to happen with you and Thomas. I’d want you to have a future. I’m sorry if that hurts you. I hope you understand.”
 

“I do.” He whispered. “I’ll try. But we don’t have to worry about that, Pam. We don’t. Because I know you’re going to be just fine. I know it.”

He’d kissed her then—the way he’d kissed her before the tumor was discovered, the way he’d kissed her the first time she’d told him that she loved him.

Dane’s mind surfaced from the memory to find himself still sitting in the driveway.

He’d told Pam that he would try, but he hadn’t really. He still wasn’t sure if he ever could.

End of the preview.
 

Get “To Trust Again”
(Forty and Free, Book 2) here:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B019APSDB8

Please enjoy the following preview for

Book 1 of Single Wide Female: The Bucket List

#1 Learn Pole Dancing

(currently Free at Amazon)

Chapter 1

I ran my fingertips over the well-worn piece of notebook paper. It had ridges from the amount of times I’d folded it up and tucked it away. I had written the list at a time when I didn’t really believe I would ever actually accomplish anything on it. But I had, and now it was time to look at the next item.

I rolled over on my bed and stared down at it. When I had added it to my list, it was just a fun little whim, not something I thought I would actually do. But then again, I never would have thought I’d be able to lose so much weight either.

“What was I thinking?” I said out loud as I gnawed on the pencil between my teeth. I was tempted to just erase the item and replace it with something else. No one would have to know.
 
But
I
would know. I cringed at the idea of actually following through with it. But I had to do it. I had to. It was on the list. I groaned and rolled over on my bed. I stared up at the cracks in my ceiling for a moment. Then I sat up with a new determination.
 

“Yes, I will do this,” I said, looking down at the item on the list. “Pole dancing class, here I come.” I was attempting to sound brave for myself, when I caught sight of the time on my alarm clock.
 

I grabbed my jeans out of the laundry basket beside my bed, and slid the pants up over my hips with my eyes squeezed shut. With a sigh of relief, I let out the belly I had been struggling to hold in. I didn’t think the zipper would slide up so easily, but it did with one smooth zip. I smiled at my reflection in the tall mirror as I studied the way that my jeans hugged my hips and rear. All of my hard work, all of the passed-up snacks, had really paid off. My body looked different and I
felt
different.
 

 
“Hey, you sexy lady,” I said to the shapely woman in the mirror, twisting my hips first one way and then the other. “Do you come here often?” I asked in the deepest voice I could muster and batted my long lashes at my own reflection.
 

“Uh, Sam?” a voice said from the doorway of my bedroom.

I froze and held my breath for another reason. It was Max. Max, my best friend. Max, with the deep green eyes and a body that would make any woman glance in his direction. I turned around slowly to face him, not wanting him to see what I knew would be sheer embarrassment on my face.
 

“What?” I asked as innocently as I could.

He stared at me with one quirked eyebrow, looking as sexy as ever. Max was not conventionally handsome, but a quirky kind of cute, like the kind of guy that got the lead in romantic movies. Not drop-dead gorgeous, but just goofy enough to grow on you and make you think he was adorable by the end of the movie.
 

“I’ve heard of bisexual, but what would you call it if you try to pick yourself up?” He smiled and leaned against the doorway.
 

God, but that smile made me want to snuggle right up to him.

Friend, I reminded myself. Max, my friend. No matter what my fantasies wanted to believe, we had never been anything more than that. Of course, when my eyes were closed late at night he played a very active role in my life.
 

“I don’t discriminate, Max. If I see something as hot and lovely as the lady in the mirror happens to be, I’ve got to give it a shot.” I grinned, hoping he would not notice that I was mortified.
 

“Well, I’d have to agree with you there,” he said with a laugh, and shook his head as he walked into my room.

We had spent hours snuggled up on this very bed on several occasions. Him thinking we were just watching a movie, me praying he would lean over and kiss me. He never did. At least, not in reality. The things that he had done in my mind…