Truly Tasteless Jokes One (2 page)

“Oh, that's okay,” said the stranger cheerfully, “I’ll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y”

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Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low?

Because you can't jump out of a basement window.

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How can you tell a Polish Peeping Tom?

(Pull out front of own pants and look down.)

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Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?

They're handpicked.

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Did you hear about the two Polish hunters?

They were driving along when they came up to a sign that said “Bear Left,” so they went home.

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Or the Polish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of hunting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and the orange hats and tromped about for hours, but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were carrying braces of pheasant and quail, ducks and geese, even a deer or two.

“Gee,” said one Pole to his companion, “everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?”

“I dunno,” said the other. “Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough.”

*

What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?

A tourist.

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Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

“Well, Doc,” he inquired anxiously, “is he going to make it?”

“It's tough,” said the doctor. “He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first.”

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A realtor is showing a new property to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behavior. On every landing, the realtor stops to open the window and shout, “Green side up!” Finally, they ask why.

“I’ve got a Pole laying the sod,” he explains, “and I’ve got to make sure he does it right.”

*

Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Poland with Cheerios?

He sold them as doughnut seeds.

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Did you hear about the Polish car pool?

They all meet at work.

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How come Poles don't go elephant hunting?

They get too tired carrying the decoys.

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How come Poles don't become pharmacists?

They can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter.

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How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?

The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.

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Did you hear about the Polish bank?

You bring in a toaster and they give you ten thousand dollars.

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A young Polish girl was hitchhiking along the Interstate, and a big semi pulled over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB addict, and the dashboard boasted an enormous CB radio.

That's the best radio ever made,” he explained to the bug-eyed girl. “You can talk to people anywhere in the world with it.”

“No kidding,” she gasped. “Boy, I would really love to talk to my mother in Poland.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland.”

“
Anything
?” he asked.

“Anything,'' she assured him.

“Well, maybe we can work something out,” he leered, pulling his cock, by this time erect, out of his pants.

So the girl leaned over, bent down, and said loudly, “HELLO, MOM?”

*

What are the three most difficult years for a Pole?

Second grade.

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Did you hear about the Pole who had a penis transplant?

His hand rejected it.

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Two Poles are out fishing for the day, and they have a hell of a time: fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat as full of fish as possible, they decide it's time to head for shore.

“But listen,'' says Stan, “why don't we mark the spot?”

“No problem,” says Jerzy, who dives in and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.

Stan beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. “Oh, no!” he cries to Jerzy, “what if we don't get the same boat?”

*

What's this?

A Polish coke spoon.

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What does a Polish girl do after she sucks cock?

Spits out the feathers.

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What do Poles wear to weddings?

Formal bowling shirts.

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Did you hear about the Pole who locked his family in the car?

He had to get a coathanger to get them out.

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A Pole walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in disgust at the handful of horseshit the Pole is holding.

“Hey, Harry,” says the Pole, “look what I almost stepped in.”

*

A young Polish guy wanted more than anything to become a cop, and went through the rigorous entrance exam, the last question of which was “Who killed Christ?” The would-be rookie went home excitedly and said to his wife, “Honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case!”

What's the Jewish version of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging.

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Do you know how to keep Jews out of the country club?

Let one in, and hell keep the rest out.

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This black guy was walking down the street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something amid the trash that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared. I’ll give you two wishes,” intoned the genie.

“Far out,” said the black guy. “First, I want to be white, uptight, and out of sight. Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet pussy.”

So the genie turned him into a tampon.

The moral of the story
: You can't get anything from a Jew without strings attached.

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Why is money green?

Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?

Somebody dropped a quarter.

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Why do Jews have such big noses?

Because air is free.

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What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

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What's a Jewish dilemma?

Free ham.

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What's the definition of a queer Jew?

Someone who likes girls more than money.

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How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?

Marry her.

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.”

“Force yourself,” she replied.

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Why do JAPs use gold diaphragms?

Their husbands like coming into money.

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What's the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is a method of self-defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.

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What's the difference between a JAP and poverty?

Poverty sucks.

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How did they know Jesus was Jewish?

Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God—and he thought his mother was a virgin.

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How do you tickle a JAP?

Gucci, Gucci, goo.

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How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to call Daddy, and one to get out the Diet Pepsi.

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What do JAPs make for dinner?

Reservations.

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How does a JAP eat a banana? (This is a visual joke, so pay attention.)

Pretend you are holding a banana in your right hand. With left hand, peel off the three or four strips of peel about halfway down the banana. Continuing to hold peeled banana in right hand, place left hand behind head. Force head down over banana.

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Why do JAPs wear bikinis?

To separate the meat from the fish.

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What do you get when you cross a JAP and a hooker?

Someone who sucks credit cards.

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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

“None, dahling, I’ll sit in the dark . . .”

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Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?

Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.

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A Palestinian gentleman was taking a walk on the West Bank when he was brutally beaten by a gang of young Israeli toughs. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he bought a huge German Shepherd trained to kill on command and went out to seek revenge.

It didn't take him long to see the perfect victim: a little old Jewish man walking a little dog that somewhat resembled a dachshund. The Palestinian loosed his ferocious dog—but to his astonishment he saw the little dog pin his dog to the ground and swallow his dog whole, all within thirty seconds.

“What kind of dog
is
that?” he gasped, ashen-faced.

“Well, before we had his nose fixed he used to be an alligator,” explained the little Jewish man.

What's the definition of a WASP?

Someone who gets out of the shower to pee.

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How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.

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What do WASPs say after they make love?

“Thank you very much; it'll never happen again.”

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How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?

She's the one kissing the golden retriever.

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Where do WASPs eat?

Restaurants.

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What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?