Again he hears, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ” ever fainter, and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, “Peter . . . Peter . . . I can see your house from here.”
*
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. “God,” he prayed, “I really want a car.” Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
“God,” he prayed again, “I really
need
a car.” Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
“Okay, God,” he said, getting down onto his knees again, “if you ever want to see your mother again . . .”
*
Why does the Pope wear gym shorts?
He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.
*
Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.”
Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, “Mine does.”
*
What's black and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
*
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. “I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously. “Did you?”
“I don't know, said the other. “What was her maiden name?”
*
Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter. “Sisters,” he says, “I want to thank you for all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I can admit you to heaven: each of you will have to answer one question.” And, turning to the first nun, he asks, “Sister Catherine, what is the Mystery of the Trinity?”
“That's the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” she replies. And the lights flash, the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.
“Sister Benedicta,” asks Saint Peter gently, “what is the Mystery of the Virgin Birth?”
That's the Immaculate Conception,” she replies, and she too is swept inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.
Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St. Peter turns to her and asks, “What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve said to Adam?”
Sister Angelica thinks it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on her brow, and finally blurts, “Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one.”
And the bells went off, the gates opened . . .
*
Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. “Father!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “Pinocchio!”
*
Three Irish women were passing the time of day on the street corner, the street corner that just happened to be opposite the local whorehouse. And when the rabbi went in the door, there was a great clucking of tongues. Next to enter was the Episcopal minister. “Can you believe it?” said one woman to the rest. “The state of the clergy today is positively disgraceful.”
Last to enter was Father Flanigan.
“Ah,” said the women. “She must be very sick.”
*
A drunk was staggering down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and, figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”
“I dunno,” came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. “You got any paper on your side?”
*
Three young men presented themselves at the monastery as candidates for entering the monastic order. A stern-looking monk gave them a lecture about the privations of the monastic life, then showed them all into a small room, explaining that there was one preliminary test before they could be accepted as candidates. Ordering them to strip naked, he tied a little bell to each of their penises, then left the room. The next time the door opened, it was to admit a lovely young woman in a bikini, who exited to the tinkling of one of the bells.
“Oh, please, please, give me another trial run,” pleaded the guilty party. But the next time the door opened, the lovely young woman was completely naked, and the bell rang even more energetically.
I’m sorry,” explained the monk, “but you are clearly not suited for this life. I must ask you to leave.”
Crushed, the young man bent over to pick up his clothes. And the other two bells went off.
*
Three guys die and are transported to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter greets them warmly, explaining that there's just one brief formality before they can be admitted to heaven. Each will have to answer one quick question. Turning to the first fellow, he asks, “What, please, is Easter?”
“That's an easy one. That's to celebrate when the Pilgrims landed. You buy a turkey and really stuff yourselves—”
“I’m sorry,” interrupts St. Peter. “You're out.” Turning to the second man, he asks, “What can you tell me about Easter?”
“No problem,” he replies. “To commemorate the birth of Jesus, you go out shopping and get this tree and all these presents—”
“Forget it,” says St. Peter, turning in disgust to the third man. “I don’t suppose you'd know anything about Easter?”
“Certainly,” he replies. “You see, Christ was crucified and he died, and they took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a shroud and put it in a cave and rolled this big stone across the entrance—”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” interrupts St. Peter excitedly, waving for the first two guys to come over. “We got someone here who knows his stuff.”
“And after three days they roll the stone away,” continues the third guy, “and if he sees his shadow there's going to be six more weeks of winter.”
A young man was raised in the Australian outback by his father alone, who, not wanting him to get into any trouble, told him to stay away from women. “They have teeth down there,” he explained, and let the impressionable boy's imagination do the rest.
In time, however, the fellow's father died. He saw friends getting married and starting families, and he decided it was time to get on with it. So he found himself a willing girl—who was rather disappointed when the consummation consisted of a peck on the cheek alone. The second night she dolled herself up in her sheerest negligée, only to find that once again he pecked her on the cheek, rolled over, and went to sleep. On the third night she caught him before the snores began and proceeded to give him a brief lecture on the birds and the bees and his conjugal duties.
“Oh, no, you don't!” the new husband cried. “I know about you women. You've got teeth down there, and I ain't coming anywhere near.”
Well, the bride roared with laughter and invited her husband around the bed for a close inspection. Cautiously he came over and proceeded to look things over with great care. Finally he stuck up his head.
“You're right,” he proclaimed. “You've got no teeth, and yours gums are in terrible condition!”
*
What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.
*
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with a stretcher.
“But doctor,” he protested; “I
feel
fine.”
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. “Looks good, feels good . . . No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible . . . Nah, you feel fine, right?” Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, “Looks terrible, feels terrible . . . Nope,that won't do it either.” Finally, “Looks terrible, feels terrific . . . Aha! You're a vagina!”
*
Did you hear why Polish women can't use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
*
What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats
parsley
.
*
Did you hear about the new New Wave band called the Toxic Shock Syndrome?
Their new hit's called “Ragtime.”
*
What's green and slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit's finger.
*
It was a hot summer day in the ghetto, and a bunch of little kids were sitting around with no money, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Until someone's dad stuck his head out the window, gave some money to his kid, and told them to get lost and have a good time.
The kid dashed down the block with the others running after him and, much to their astonishment, disappeared into the corner drugstore. After a few minutes he emerged, carrying something in a paper bag. His friends crowded around, demanding to see what he'd bought with the money, and were not at all pleased to see him pull out a box of Tampax.
“Hey, man,” they groaned, “we wanted to go out and find ourselves a good time with that money. Why'd you go an' buy
that
shit fo’?”
“Dat's why I got it,” the boy explained. “It say right here on the box: You can go swimmin', you can go horseback riding . . .”
*
How can you tell a Pole designed the lower half of a woman's anatomy?
Who else would put the shithole so close to the snack bar?
*
You know how these days everyone wants a second opinion? Well, this lady had been going to a psychiatrist for years, and one day she decided she'd had enough of it. “Doctor,” she said, walking into his office, “I've been seeing you every week for five years now. I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse. What's the story? I want you to level with me: what's wrong with me?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “I’ll tell you. You're crazy.”
“Now wait just a minute,” the woman protested. “I want a second opinion.”
“Okay,” said the doctor. “You're ugly, too.”
*
On the eve of her wedding the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that—unbeknownst to her fiancé—she was not a virgin. “No problem,'' said the friend. “Go out and buy a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you before the time comes. You'll feel nice and tight, and hell never know the difference.”
So the bride went ahead with the plan, and on the wedding night the couple went crazy. They fucked on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in the bed. So the bride was truly astonished to wake up the next morning to find her new husband gone, the only trace of him a note on the bedside table. “Dearest,” it read, I love you very much, but I've realized we can't go on like this and can never have a life together. Farewell. P.S. your vagina is in the sink.”
*
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you eat.
*
What's red and has seven little dents in it?
Snow White's cherry.
*
This guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a bourbon and water. . . and get that douche bag down there whatever she'd like to drink,” motioning toward a young woman sitting at the other end of the bar.