Truly Tasteless Jokes One (5 page)

Turn the stool upside down.

*

What did one lesbian say to another?

“Your face or mine?”

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An obviously gay guy swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from the massive bus driver. “Faggot,” he growled, “where're your pearls?”

“Pearls with corduroy!” shrieked the gay. “Are you
mad
?”

*

How many fags does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to shriek, “Faaaaabulous!”

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What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?

Tartar sauce.

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Considering that in order to get married, you have to have a marriage license, what do two lesbians have to get?

A licker license.

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What do you call a gay milkman?

A Dairy Queen.

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Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm bank?

For drinking on the job.

What's the New Jersey state vegetable?

Karen Anne Quinlan.

*

The mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.

“Where're the vegetables?” he asks.

“Oh,” replies his wife, “they're not home from school yet.”

*

Bumper sticker: Hire the handicapped—they're fun to watch.

*

Graffiti:

MUTANTS FOR NUKES

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How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

Wave at him.

*

The nervous father-to-be was pacing outside the delivery room when finally the doctor emerged. “Oh, doctor!” he cried. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“I’m afraid I have a bit of bad news,” said the doctor gravely. “I’m sorry to have to tell you that your child was not born complete.”

The father's face fell, but he said, “Well, I’m sure it can have a happy and complete life in any case.”

That's not all,” said the doctor. “I’m afraid your child has no arms or legs.”

“Oh,” said the father. “At least I understand they're doing wonderful things with braces and prostheses these days.”

“It's not going to be easy,” said the doctor. “You see your child was born with no torso. In fact, your child is only a giant ear.”

The father sighed and said, “Well, I'm sure my wife and I can make the best of it.”

The doctor said, “I’m afraid that's not the worst of it. It's deaf.”

*

What do you get when you cross a mongoloid with a one-legged Pole?

A Polaroid One-Step!

*

Bob was an avid golfer and, even at seventy-two, could still hit a fine drive. But finally he went in to his doctor to complain that his eyesight was getting so bad that he often couldn’t see the ball.

“Well, Bob,” said the doctor, “you know, when you get older something's got to go, and there's not much I can do about it. Now, I do have this patient named Joe—he's getting on in years and not as sharp as he used to be and he's deaf as a post, but he's got twenty-twenty eyesight. Why don't you take him with you the next time you go golfing?”

The arrangement seemed a little curious to Bob, but worth a try, and so the next Saturday he found himself out on the fairway with Joe and hit a beautiful drive.

“Well, Joe,” he said, turning to the old guy, “did you see it?”

“Oh, yes,” said Joe, “clear as day. If only I could remember where it landed.”

*

Who was the meanest man in the world?

The guy who raped the deaf-and-dumb girl, then cut off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.

*

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before. “Well then, open your eyes and you’ll know that your prayers have been answered.”

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, “Mother! Mother! I still can't see!”

“I know, dear,” said his mother. “April Fool.”

*

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs—without even a torso. It was just a head, Still, the Coopers loved and oared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally, after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation, and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. “I know,” he said, “how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.”

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, “Honey, Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!” “No,” shrieked the head, “not another hat!”

*

Why shouldn't there be any handicapped jokes?

Because if it weren't for the handicapped, we'd never get parking places.

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

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What's a leper in the bathtub?

Stew.

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An unfortunate couple had a son who was born with no legs. What did they name him?

Neil.

Their daughter was born with one leg. What did they name her?

Eileen.

*

This beautiful young paraplegic was sitting on the beach in her wheelchair, gazing mournfully out at the crashing waves, when a handsome guy came up behind her. “What's wrong?” he asked gently. “Why do you look so sad?”

I’ve never been kissed,” she explained, brushing a tear off her cheek.

“Well, I can take care of that,” said the fellow, and did, then walked off down the beach feeling pretty pleased with himself.

The next week he was walking down the beach again when what should he see but the same beautiful young paraplegic, looking more down-in-the-mouth than ever. “What's wrong now?” he asked, looking deep into her eyes.

I’ve never been fucked,” she said sadly.

“No problem,” he said, his chest swelling with manly pride. He bent over to lift her from the wheelchair, cradled her gently in his arms, and walked slowly down the pier. Reaching the end, he threw her in the water and shouted, “Now you're fucked!”

*

Did you hear about the nice woman who gave Ray Charles a ticket to see Marcel Marceau?

*

The Williams were suitably unhappy when their first child was born with no ears, and their best friends, the Cains, were well aware of this. Preparing for their first visit to see the newborn, Mrs. Cain reminded her husband that at all costs he should avoid any reference to the baby's defect.

In no time at all both couples found themselves cooing over the crib. “Look at those arms,” said Mrs. Cain. “He's really going to be able to throw a ball. And those legs—he could be a sprinter. Say, how're his eyes?”

“Terrific,” said the proud mother.

They better be,” blurted Cain. “Hell never be able to wear glasses!”

*

A guy was passing through town on his way across the state when he decided it was time for lunch. He pulled up in front of a little boy sitting on some front steps and asked, “S-s-s-say, k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-you know wh-wh-where I c-c-c-could g-g-get a hot m-m-meal around h-h-here?”

The kid didn't say a word.

“Hey k-k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-don't you know s-s-s-somewhere s-s-s-serving f-f-food around h-h-h-here?”

The kid shook his head, and the tourist drove off in disgust. Just then the boy's mother came out of the house. “Herbie,” she said, “you've lived in this town all your life. Don't tell me you don't know somewhere to get a bite of lunch.”

“I d-d-d-do,” said the kid, “b-b-b-but you th-th-think I w-w-w-wanna get sl-sl-sl-slapped?”

*

Then there's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. “Son,” he said, “I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle.”

“Jesus,” gasped the patient. “What's the good news?”

“The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots.”

*

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

“Hop in!”

*

A blind man and his friend were walking along with the blind man's dog, when the dog simply raised its leg and pissed on the blind man's shoe. To his friend's astonishment, the man reached over and proceeded to stroke the dog's back.

“What the hell are you patting him for?” exclaimed his friend. “The dog just pissed on you!”

“I gotta find out where his head is,” said the blind man testily, “so I can kick his ass.”

*

What do you get when a epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?

Seizure salad.

What was the Pope's first miracle?

He made a lame man blind.

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What was the Pope's second miracle?

He walked under water.

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What was the Pope's third miracle?

He cured a ham.

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Did you hear about the Pope's plan to redecorate the Sistine Chapel?

. . . . in knotty pine?

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You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?

It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.

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What kind of meat does the Pope eat?

Nun.

*

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. “I just toss the plate up in the air,” he explained, “and anything God can catch he can keep.”

*

Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ”

“I must go and help my Savior,” he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, “Peter . . . Peter” in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally, and toss him back down the hill.