“Listen, buddy,” says the bartender, “this is a family place, and I’ll thank you not to use that sort of language in here.”
“Okay, okay,” says the guy, “just get me a bourbon and water and get that douche bag a drink too.”
“That's a perfectly nice young lady,” sputters the bartender, “and—”
“I'm getting thirsty,'' interrupts the guy, “and you better hurry up with the douche bag's order.”
The bartender gives up and moves down the bar, rather shamefacedly asking the woman, “The gentleman at the bar would like to offer you a drink—What’ll you have?”
“Vinegar and water, thanks,” she replies.
*
Do you know why women have cunts?
So men will talk to them.
*
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. “Put your finger inside me,” she asks, and he's only too happy to oblige.
“Put another finger inside me,” she orders, moaning in pleasure.
“Put your whole hand inside me.”
“Put both hands inside me.”
“Now clap.”
“I can't!" the guy protests.”
“Tight, huh?” she smiles.
*
How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.
*
Two women are sitting on the front stoop, passing the time. “Damnit,” says one to the other, “my husband came home with a dozen roses. I'm gonna have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air.”
“Why?” asks her friend. “Don't you have a vase?”
*
Why do women have two holes?
So that when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
*
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
“Good morning, girls.”
*
What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
Sometimes garbage gets picked up.
*
How can you tell if your girlfriend's too fat?
If she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
*
What do Picasso and Princess Anne have in common?
Blue periods.
*
“Ya got no tits and a tight box,” snarled the guy to his girlfriend.
“Get off my back!" she snapped.
*
Why's pubic hair curly?
You'd poke your eye out if it were straight.
*
What's the difference between a nymphomaniac and a lover?
A lover stops to eat.
*
Why do women slap Polish midgets?
Because they're always telling them how nice their hair smells.
*
Why don't they let women swim in the ocean any more?
They can't get the smell out of the fish.
*
How can you tell when a Polish woman's not wearing any underwear?
By the dandruff on her shoes.
*
What do control-top pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?
Flatbush.
*
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips.
*
“There's a new feminine-hygiene spray out on the market,” confided Sandra to Denise at Denise's Tupperware party. “It's called SSY.”
“Oh yeah?” said Denise. “How come?”
“That's what you get when you take the PU out of pussy.”
*
What has eighteen legs and two tits?
The Supreme Court.
*
A doctor was performing a routine gynecological examination when he happened upon a tea-bag. When he asked his patient about it, she looked up in horror and exclaimed, “Oh my God! Then what did I put in the hot water?”
*
There was once a young man who was fixated on the female breast, and he decided to seek professional help. The first test his new psychotherapist performed was one of simple word-association. “Simply say the first word that comes into your mind,” the doctor explained. “Orange.”
“Breast,” said the young man without hesitation.
“Plum,” said the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Grapefruit,” said' the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Windshield wipers,” said the doctor.
“Breast,” said the young man.
“Now just hold on a second,” said the doctor. “Oranges I can see reminding you of breasts. Plums, maybe; grapefruit if you're stretching it. But windshield wipers?”
“Sure,” said the young man. “First this one, then that one . . .”
*
There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, “Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells.”
So he drove her to New Jersey.
*
What's the difference between a bowling ball and pussy?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
*
Why did God invent booze?
So that fat, ugly girls could get laid, too.
*
Why do little Polish girls put fish in their underwear?
So they'll smell like big Polish girls.
*
A young couple was making out feverishly on her parents' sofa a few days before their wedding. “Oh baby,'' moaned the groom-to-be, “please let me see your breasts. I just wanna look.” His fiancée blushed and protested, but unbuttoned her shirt.
“Oh honey,” he moaned, “let me kiss them.”
“Don't you think we should wait till the wedding?” she asked, but it was already too late.
Pretty soon he was begging her to take off her panties. “I just wanna look, I swear,” he panted.
“I really think we should wait till the wedding like we said we would,” she said, but was finally persuaded by the fact that he was just going to look.
Well, she was adamant about not letting him kiss her down there, insisting that was something special they should wait for. But after a good half hour of artful argument, he had his way. Only to stick his head up a moment later and say anxiously, “Baby, you think that'll keep till Sunday?”
*
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't cook.
*
What's a perfect 10?
A woman about waist-high with no teeth and a flat head you can rest your drink on.
*
What's a Cinderella 10?
A woman who sucks and fucks till midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
*
Did you hear about the new feminine-hygiene product?
Male AnatomyIt's called Toxic Shock Absorbers.
The newlyweds had never slept together and were most eager to consummate their union. The bride in her eagerness insisted on undressing the groom, but stopped dead upon removing his shoes and socks, finding his toes grossly misshapen.
“Not to worry,” the groom explained. “A case of toelio when I was a child.”
The bride proceeded apace, only to stop again with an expression of shock on her face once she had taken off his pants.
“Nothing but a childhood case of kneesles,” he reassured her.
Down to the basics, she reached for his jockey shorts. “I know, I know,” she interrupted before her husband could say a word, “nothing but a case of smallcox.”
*
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How d'you breathe through that thing?”
*
Why did God give black men such huge pricks?
Because he was so sorry about what He'd done to their hair.
*
What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
*
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!”
*
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
“Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!”
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut-butter sandwich?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.
*
A man came into a bar, sat down at the bar for a drink, and noticed that there was a horse in the back of the room with a big pot of money in front of it. “What's that all about?” he asked the bartender.
“You gotta put a dollar in the pot,” explained the bartender, “and you collect the pot if you can make the horse laugh.”
The guy went over to the horse, whispered in its ear, and the horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. And the fellow picked up the pot and walked out.
Five years later the same guy walked into the same bar and saw the same horse at the back with another big pot of money in front of it. “It's not so easy,” said the bartender. “This time you gotta make the horse
cry
.”
The guy walked over to the horse, and in a matter of minutes the horse fell to its knees, sobbing as though its heart were breaking. The guy picked up the pot and was on his way out the door when the bartender stopped him.
“Hey,” he said, “at least tell us how you did it.”
“Easy,” said the guy. “The first time I told him my prick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him.”
*
The routine practice of circumcision was part of a certain doctor's job, and he found himself reluctant to throw the foreskins away after the operation. So he saved them all up in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, the time came for the doctor to retire from practice, and when cleaning out his office he came across the jar, which by this time contained hundreds of foreskins. It seemed a pity to throw them out after all this time, so, certain that they could be put to some use, he took them down to the tailor around the corner and asked that he make something with them.
“No problem,” said the tailor. “Come back in a week.”
A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet. “Now wait just a minute!” protested the doctor. “There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measly
wallet?
”
“Relax,” said the tailor. “You rub it for a little bit, and it turns into a suitcase.”
*
A black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father got up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?”
“That's the elephant's trunk, dear,” she replied.
“No, not
that
.”
“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”
“No, Mom. Down underneath!”
His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that's nothing.” Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left, the boy repeated his question.
“That's the elephant's trunk, son.”
“Dad, I
know
what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end.”
“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”
“
No
. Down
there
.”
The father took a good look and explained, “That's the elephant's penis.”
“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”
The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I've
spoiled
that woman.”
*
What's the new Webster's definition of “small?”