Trust (Chasing Shadows) (5 page)

I had been heading down the trail for about half an hour. Moving at a quick clip, I must have covered about three miles since this part of the trail was a straight shot that allowed me to carry on at a slow run. When nearly at the bottom of the last path that I took, I came across a placard that indicated I was entering another maze of trails that made up the National Parks Recreation Area. The one listed as a black trail, the hardest and most dangerous, was called the Backbone Trail. Although it was the toughest to navigate, instinctively I knew it was the one that would attract Ella.

Without any hesitation, I turned in its direction. I pursued Ella with the same intensity that I did most things in life. I was taught that anything worthwhile is worth working hard for. It was the same sensibility that got me through medical school when my co-students were dropping out. It would all be worth it in the end, I had told myself.

Now, I needed to know that my endless pursuit of medicine and what it had indirectly cost me wasn’t in vain. I’ll always be haunted by what Claire did as well as question if my dedication to my studies was selfish. After she took her life, my family and friends said she couldn’t be helped, that she was striking out at me, that she was ill...so many excuses. It doesn’t matter the reason. I’ll never stop blaming myself.

But Ella is different. She is strong. I could see that from the way she teased me and even appeared aloof at my being assigned to her case. I remember the day I came into her hospital room and surprised her with the news that I was assigned to her case. She recognized me from the hiking trail, but this was altogether different. In the hospital she wasn’t in her element and she certainly didn’t like the idea that I would be the one to decide when she could be discharged.

“Hi again,” I said picking up her chart and examining the cryptic comments meant for my eyes only. Notes that questioned whether she was a suicide risk.

“You...what are you doing here?”

“Happy to see me?”

I don’t know why I was being a smart-ass, answering her question with a question. Except perhaps for the unmistakable truth that my words actually echoed how I felt. She was gorgeous, liked to hike, moved like a gazelle and if it weren’t for the fact that her mental stability was in question, I’d say she was near perfect.

But she just stared at me.

“Sorry,” I recovered my professionalism. “I’m your physician. Ethan.”

“Dr. Ethan?”

“Dr. Feinfield, but we’ve already met so I figured...” I let my voice trail off because I was definitely acting like a lovesick school boy in front of her. Something about the way she took in my gaze, as if she were the one trying to size me up and determine my competency, made my conversation run amok.

“Well doctor...” she said pointedly, “when may I go home?”

“Just need to do some evaluations first. A few simple questions and then we can arrange your discharge and our follow-up sessions.”

“What follow-up sessions?”

The subsequent news that her work was insisting on regular psych sessions before she could return didn’t go over well.

The sarcasm dripped from her mouth. “Goody. Just the news I was waiting for.”

I immediately knew that I had found my intellectual match.

She later commented about my age and even asked if I was old enough to shave. Yeah, I was old enough, all right. Old enough to know what love was and after spending more time with Ella, I knew that I could fall for her...if I let myself.

But helping her was the priority. Her needs were more important than my desires. I knew that deep inside, she was a survivor and she wanted to live. She may have been sent for therapy on the “watch list” as they say, a suicide threat. But I never wrote that up in my report about her. Was she grieving for Nate? Yes. Was she a threat to herself? At the time, absolutely not.

What she needed were coping mechanisms. Being out here, this might be how she thought she was going to come to terms with her past and figure out her future, but this is where I came in. I was here to help her find her way back. Maybe that future included me, and right or wrong, I hoped with all my heart that it did. Still, even without Ella in my life, I was committed to her. She was my patient first and I was going to help her.

Ella finally let me into her thoughts and that was all I needed to return to her. She looked small and frail sitting alone on a thin stretch of ground that couldn’t even be considered a trail. Holding her arms and gently rocking back and forth, I could tell the night air was making her cold. The minute I took a step closer she turned and when she saw me, her smile instantly appeared.

“Hi Honey,” I said and held my arms out to her, wanting to hold her and keep her warm.

“Nate!” 

She ran at me with a force like a gale wind and gave a little jump when we were near, her legs wrapping around my waist and her arms around my neck. I held her, loving the feel of holding her again, until I discovered just how cold her skin felt.

“Ella, you’re freezing. And what’s this?” My finger touched a small, but deep cut against her forehead. “And your cast...it’s a mess.”

“I’m okay. Now.”

“What happened?”

“I just took a little tumble,” she said and motioned to the mountain with its rocks that jutted out at obscure angles and farther drops still below us.

“You didn’t,” I said, my heart plummeting into my stomach. “You could’ve been killed. I should’ve been here, but...”

“Don’t. I’m fine. I was a little stunned, but I’m okay now. I got lucky and landed on a patch of grass. Besides, I don’t want you to blame yourself. I’m not your responsibility.”

Her words were true, but they pained me. As much as I wanted to take care of her every second of the day, I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t be here for her when I was stationed in Afghanistan. We had both lived in fear of something happening to the other while I was gone. The irony was that my accident and death occurred here while we were together.

“I still plan to look after you...until you no longer need me,” I said and brought her in close to my chest. “So, how about you let me look you over? Maybe I can help.”

“I think the cast is pretty much a goner,” she admitted, and then to my horror, her teeth chattered as she spoke.

“Come here,” I said and led her to a small grouping of pine trees where we could sit and be somewhat protected from the wind. The cast was broken along the wrist and cracked all the way up to her elbow.

“When was it supposed to come off?”

“This week. I’m sure it’s healed if you can help break it off the rest of the way.”

I didn’t want to hurt her by pulling on the plaster, but then again, it was impairing her mobility and probably contributed to her hitting her head when she fell since she was short one hand to brace herself. I grabbed a thick branch and a rock and by placing the branch against the cast and hitting the top of it with the stone, it served to further crack the plaster. After that, it was easy to break away sections until her arm was free.

“Look at that!” she said happily, rotating her arm and testing it out. “Good as new.”

“Now to warm you up,” I said holding her again. “Ella, you’re really cold.”

This wasn’t good. A fear gripped me, knowing that my ability to warm her was limited in my current state as a ghost. I had to warm her core temperature or she could slip into hypothermia, leading to organ failure and worse.

I thought back to my time in Afghanistan and the cold nights we endured for days on end. Guys, particularly Marines, aren’t typically into snuggling up against each other, but when faced with death from freezing, you’ll pretty much do anything necessary to ensure one’s survival.

“We need to alternate moving with sharing body heat,” I informed her.

“I vote for sharing body heat,” she said with a glint in her eye.

It was a good sign. In spite of the cold, she was still lucid enough to tease me with her wit and sexy ways.

“You’re kidding? You can think of kissing me now?”

“You betcha.”

She may have wanted it, but the cold and exhaustion was hitting her fast. Her voice breathless even from the small bit of effort it took to speak.

“About that kiss...” she requested, her voice not more than a whisper.

But I couldn’t deny her. She moved closer and I took her in my arms and kissed her softly. Being with Ella felt like home. It was as if no time had passed. I held her in my arms and her eyes grew heavy. I continued to hold her closely, trying desperately to warm her. But she was still terribly cold and contact with me wasn’t improving the situation. As much as I loved holding her close, I was going to have to try and rouse her and get her moving to stave off the cold.

And that’s when I heard Ethan’s voice. First, he called out her name more like a question, as if he wasn’t sure what he was seeing and then with elation, as if finding her was too good to be true. He shouted her name louder as his footsteps drew closer. I disappeared quickly and for the first time since my death, a part of me was relieved that Ethan was here.

Ethan? How peculiar that I thought I heard his voice, softly at first and then louder and more insistent. But once again, I’m alone.

Perhaps I drifted off and only imagined being with Nate. Being in his arms and resting in our woods had seemed so real. Although, as I squinted to see in the moonlight, I had to admit that this part of the trail was totally unfamiliar. Nate and I had never gone this far into the mountain range or away from Mulholland Highway, which ran parallel to the trail head.

Hearing Ethan’s voice must have been a similar trick of the mind, a sign that the cold was affecting me. Instinctively, I knew that I should try to move and get the blood flowing. I had never confused the two of them before. I listened intensely once more, not moving a muscle, both out of sheer exhaustion and my desire to hear any sign of Nate or Ethan. But nothing.

I rose to walk down the trail, feeling my way in the dark and moving a bit slower than before. The ground was slippery here with loose stones and brush that scratched at my legs. I had only proceeded a foot or maybe two when the ground gave out and I found myself falling once again.

#  #  #

The plunge over the edge was more like a high-speed roll with my body tumbling down a hillside, being pummeled by each landing only to continue rolling and falling. I had no idea how many feet I had descended, but my final landing wasn’t any picnic. I felt bruised and beaten, and even worse, there was another huge drop below me. I had plummeted down a vast drop, being thrown and beaten with the force of gravity. When I finally came to a stop it was only because I hit a rock and managed to cling to its edge. The force of my fall left me even weaker, but I held on out of sheer instinct, not knowing how far the rest of the drop could be. That’s when to my utter relief I heard Ethan’s voice. I was sure of it this time.

“Here,” I squeaked, only to hear him repeat my name. Damn it. He couldn’t hear me. He wouldn’t find me.

“Down here!” I shouted with all my might and thankfully, he appeared above me. I couldn’t see him, but he was there.

“Ella, hold on. I’m coming to help.”

“No, it’s too dangerous,” I managed.

“Shh, just hold on,” he called from above me.

I heard the scrape of his shoes and felt dirt and small rocks tumble down on my face as they fell. Inadvertently, the falling stone made me loosen my grip and I screamed.

“I’m falling.”

“I can’t quite reach you, but I’m close. We’ll do this together.”

His voice was strong and determined; it gave me hope.

“Ella, listen to me. You have to believe in yourself. Have faith and do not give up. You can’t give up. Do you hear me?”

“I can’t.”

“That isn’t true. There is a reason we were brought together. You fight, do you hear me? Not just for you...do it because it’s what Nate would have wanted and do it for everyone else who loves you...including me! Do you hear me, Ella? I’m not going to lose you Ella.”

With his declaration came a burst of strength from both of us. I pulled myself up another foot and then felt his hand grip my forearm tightly as he pulled me upward. The newly exposed skin where my cast had been felt tender under his grasp, but I had been through far worse. I wasn’t going to die like this. I clawed the ground and dug my feet into the slippery rock slope to help his efforts. When I was finally on steady ground with the threat of falling behind me, I stared at Ethan, not knowing what to say because so many thoughts assaulted me at once.

He saved me. He said he
loved
me.

The realization of his heroics had been proved in more ways than one. They say actions speak louder than words, but I wasn’t so sure that was true. I know the bravery it would take to voice his feelings. From the moment I met him, he was here for me. I should have wrapped my arms around him, held on tight and told him how I felt. Instead, I said the most benign, ineffective and ridiculous statement of all.

“Thank you.”

He looked at me with bewilderment as if validating the thoughts that were already in my mind. I was broken. If he weren’t such a decent human being he would have certainly shouted, “Thank you? That’s all you have to say after what I’ve just done and said?”

But Ethan was always the gentleman, and always professional, and yet I saw the pain in his expression before I passed out from sheer exhaustion.

#  #  #

“I’m here, Ella. You’re bleeding. I’m going to help you.” The voice sounded as if he were speaking more to himself than to me. Nate? I was so tired that I couldn’t be certain it was he.

My words sounded slurred as they tumbled from my mouth. “Where did you run off to?” I asked searching for Nate’s hand and that’s when his voice sounded directly in my head.

“Ella, you’re so cold. Please let Ethan help you.”

“It’s you that’s cold, but I know how to warm up,” I said and tilted my head upward. My mouth met his. At first, Nate seemed to pull back, but my kisses soon changed that and I felt his strong arms pull me in closer.

“We shouldn’t be doing this right now.”

“Why not, silly? I’ve missed you.”

It wasn’t like Nate to shy away from kissing in public, not that our woods were particularly populated, especially at this hour. Finally, he seemed to give into me and when he did, I didn’t feel the cold as much. In fact, I started to heat up. I moved away from him, but only for a moment...only long enough to remove the hoodie that I was wearing. As I started to lower the thin spaghetti straps of my dress, I felt his hands close around my waist.

“Ella, no. It’s freezing out here,” Nate’s voice rang out again.

“But I don’t feel the cold, not when I’m with you.”

“It’s hypothermia. It makes you feel hot even when you’re dangerously cold.”

“Shh, just love me.”

I threw my arms around his neck and leaned in close to his body so I could feel his warm breath on my neck. Soon his hands were running up and down my back.

“You see?” I whispered in his ear. “I can be quite convincing.”

“You haven’t given me a choice. Shared body heat is the only way I’m going to keep you alive.”

I’d gladly endure the dropping temperatures and risk my life if it meant being with Nate again. Even if our time together was limited, I’d take what I could get. Yet as soon as I felt our passion growing, he disappeared.

A voice repeatedly called my name.

“Please Nate. Come back to me,” I whimpered softly.

His husky voice sounded in my ear. “You have to fight, Ella. Never give up.”

I no longer felt his arms around me. The reality had once again slipped into a dream. Every time I had to say goodbye, he took a piece of me with him.