Trust (Chasing Shadows) (8 page)

I awoke to the most beautiful of sights. The sunrise was breathtaking over the mountain range, but it couldn’t compare with Ella, curled up next to me, the color in her cheeks normal and showing no signs of hypothermia. As I moved ever so slightly, trying not to wake her, but needing to stretch my arm, her enormous brown eyes met mine.

“You’re okay?” she asked and the sound of her voice told me just how much she needed me to be just that.

“Yeah. It hurts, but you did a good job. My arm isn’t throbbing and well...I’m here. If you hadn’t gotten all the venom out, I wouldn’t be this good.”

She smiled more radiantly than the morning sunshine and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed her forehead without even thinking.

“What are these?” I asked noting the leaves that were torn into pieces and sticking to the place where she had cut into my hand.

“White mulberry leaves. I recognized them from the Dr. Oz show. They’re supposed to be a superfood and have amazing health benefits. I figured it couldn’t hurt.”

“Well, you figured correctly.”

We sat next to each other, enjoying the quiet of the morning. If things hadn’t gotten so perilous it would have almost seemed like a happy camping trip. But as Ella’s stomach growled in protest of its emptiness, I recalled my favorite part of camping was cooking over an open fire and the delicious smells of coffee, bacon, eggs and warming bread that were always such a welcome wake-up call after a night of sleeping outdoors.

“I’ve got some food in my pack. It’s not a gourmet breakfast. It’s just some bananas and Danish, but it’ll keep us for a bit.” I reached for my pack with my good hand, and hauled it over. But the minute I opened it up and brought out the bakery pink box, Ella’s face went white as if seeing a ghost.

“Umm Ethan. I just want to find a place to you know...freshen up a bit. I’ll be right back.”

The look on her face was one of total heartbreak. “What’s wrong?”

She just shook her head and I could tell she was holding back tears, not daring to speak as if they would fall freely if she did.

“Ella?” I asked slowly approaching, but she took off down the trail and around a bend. She was already gone.

“Way to go, boy scout.”

Ethan had no idea what he had done, but it was a doozy. I didn’t want to feel sorry for him. It was bad enough to watch the girl who would have become my fiancée wake up in the arms of another man. But adding insult to injury is realizing that the only way she’ll get over me is to move on with her life, which seems to include Ethan.

But dude, you had to go and purchase pastries from La Conversation? Seriously?

Hadn’t she ever mentioned that was our place? Those pink bakery boxes were a regular weekend fixture around our house.

It was going to take more than a little luck to smooth out this faux pas. I had to go after her, find her, and once and for all, convince her that it’s okay to open her heart to him.

One step forward, two steps back. I was disgusted with myself for even thinking in those terms, but I couldn’t help it. I grabbed a rock off the ground and chucked it with all my might over the embankment, watching it tumble below into oblivion. I had gone from crying my eyes out every waking moment of the day and well into the night until I was too tired to feel...at least I thought and hoped I would never feel again. And that’s when I did. I felt an emotion nearly stronger than my anguish. Could it be love?

The rising tides of my emotions were tumultuous, breeding and migrating from one into the next. From sorrow came depression. Hope gave way to guilt. And now, I had rounded the corner to the one that cut me to the core. It was guilt. I hated its festering growth inside of me.

The last thing I wanted was to associate Nate with negative emotions, but seeing that bakery box made me feel as if I would never be whole again. I was never going to find happiness because I didn’t deserve it.

Why should I fall in love with another person when the perfect man for me had died?

“Why should I get another chance at love?” I shouted to the heavens while I picked up another handful of pebbles and threw them into the air.

“Because you deserve happiness.”

I turned suddenly, surprised that Nate was here and ashamed all at once at what he must have witnessed.

With much effort, I began to fold the sleeping bag that I had shared with Ella just hours earlier. It was slow going what with only one working hand, but I had nothing but time as I replayed our recent conversation in my mind, trying to make sense of her sudden departure. I shook croissant crumbs from the mat, but couldn’t shake the thought that something was bothering her. I tossed the remainder of yesterday’s sandwich that had gone stale out of the small rock divide that had formed our shelter last night before hauling the sleeping bag onto my pack.

If...when she came back, we would have to make another go at trying to find our way to the highway. As much as I wouldn’t mind spending another night with Ella, this wasn’t the time or place. Our modest food supply wouldn’t hold out much longer and we had both been through enough health hazards.

Even from behind the rocks, I could feel the breeze picking up and I figured that it must be coming off the ocean in the distance. Somehow, we had headed west instead of east, the direction we should have taken to get back to the highway. We must have walked for over eight hours yesterday, which meant that we had an even longer way back in the correct direction today. I checked through my pack and the supplies that I had brought. I had a hand-held can opener along with three cans of tuna, a package of beef jerky, fruit roll-ups, and a box of granola bars. It was enough to get us through the day, and yet a bit of worry over how long we might still be out here crept into my mind. 

Certainly Ella’s sister would have people searching for us. It was shocking that they hadn’t already gotten here, but then again, they probably had called off the search when it became dark and would start up again now that a new day had dawned. No sooner had the thought entered my mind when I heard the whir of a helicopter.

I bolted from behind the rocks, wincing immediately at the pain the sudden movement sent through my hand and arm. Ignoring it, I got a few feet farther and had intended to get to higher land to wave down the helicopter when what I saw stopped me in my tracks. A coyote was lapping up the crumbs that I had thrown out and now eyed me with distinct interest. The dog edged closer, forcing me backwards along with any hopes of attracting the helicopter. As I stared at the hungry coyote, out of the corner of my eye I spotted the helicopter rise high before making a turn and retreating over the next mountain range.

I couldn’t bear to see her like this, bent over and crying. It wasn’t just a few tears flowing either. Heaving sobs erupted from her core. I know that I had promised I would give them a chance -- give her a chance to get over me, but I couldn’t help myself. I approached her quietly from behind and wrapped my arms around her waist.

“Oh Nate, please tell me that’s you,” she said the second I pulled her against my chest.

“It’s me, Ella. I love you so much.” My words just tumbled out of my mouth, causing the tears that flowed from her eyes to stream even faster.

“Ethan is so sweet. He doesn’t deserve someone who’s so messed up in the head like I am.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I’m talking with you and you’re...”

She just shook her head as if saying the word ‘dead’ would make it real. Unfortunately, it already was our reality.

“Listen to me, Ella,” I said placing my hand under her chin and tilting her head upwards so that our eyes met. “Seeing you happy would make me happy. If he can do that, then it’s what I want.”

“But I saw the bakery box and couldn’t think of anything except being with you. The way we used to be... Getting pastries for our weekend hikes. Talking to you on the phone every night before I went to bed. How will I ever be that happy again?”

I smiled at her. “You just have to trust.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Nate, I’m not sure I’ll recognize that day when it comes.”

I just nodded, a sad, but determined gesture. “You will.”

She didn’t want to hear the sentiment, and in that moment my heart ached as much as hers did. Ella could convince a squirrel to give up a hidden nut and I was lost in her beguiling ways. She tugged at my neck pulling me toward her mouth, which I covered with my own. My defenses against her had fled the scene. I had been telling myself that I needed to take care of her, but in this moment, this felt right.

My tongue found hers and a purring sound erupted from her. The tension she had held in her body, any sign of previous stiffness and hesitancy, washed away and she immediately pressed herself closer to me. My own resolve crumbled further and I kissed her back with all the passion that I had kept buried inside.

My hands enjoyed the travel down her back, feeling the curve of her hips, the roundness of her ass. I was losing the battle to keep things at a PG rating and groaned in spite of myself. That was all the encouragement she needed. Ella immediately made a little jump, wrapping her legs around my waist as I caught her easily. My hands landed underneath her filmy dress that I had noticed all the previous day. The pale pink color brought out a glow in her skin, making me want to touch her from the moment I saw her.

“Please, Nate. We can be together one more time.”

I couldn’t answer and I certainly had no willpower to argue. My tongue was already weaving into her mouth as I carried her to a patch of grass and laid her down.

I was only vaguely aware of the grass tickling my back or the few misplaced pebbles that threatened my comfort. None of that mattered when I was held by Nate and he was so real against me.

I knew that this wouldn’t last forever. Already, our time together was becoming less and I knew it was directly related to how my mind opened up to the possibility of being with Ethan. It was the universe’s way of righting a wrong and I suppose, keeping me safe from any thoughts of self-harm.

The nights without Nate immediately following his death gave way to a troubled mind, but Ethan had slowly healed me and made me realize that I had reason to go on living. Actually, not just living, but maybe I even had a right to find happiness again. This journey was taken with one purpose in mind: to challenge myself to go on living without Nate. I never expected my thoughts to trek through a journey of their own.

This mountainside wasn’t just the unpredictable wild; it was my salvation.

Instinctively, I knew that this time with Nate was fleeting. Even though he hadn’t exactly told me how long he would be with me, at least not in days or hours, I knew that answer. “Until you don’t need me,” he once said.

“I miss you,” I whispered against his mouth, wanting to relish this moment.

He answered by slowly trailing kisses along my lower lip and down to my jawline and even lower to my neck, where his attention then moved to my breast, which he cupped with his hand. I pressed my own hand firmly against his, showing him that I didn’t want him to let go. And then, even bolder, I took his hand and led it lower down my stomach and lower still.

When he finally touched me between my legs, I audibly sighed. “Oh Nate, I need you.”

Still, he moved his hand ever so gently...slowly. It was as if he felt afraid that the moment would morph out of our reality. I felt the same way, but I didn’t have his restraint. My heart rate accelerated in response and words tumbled out of me. “Please don’t stop. Don’t you dare leave me this time.”

Even though I wanted to climb on top of him and take this to the next level, I also feared what would happen when our passion came to its natural conclusion. I wanted this moment in time to last. So for now, I put all distracting thoughts out of my head and just concentrated on the fact that Nate had me in his strong arms. I let him control the situation.

His hand moved against the outside of my panties as our kisses became more frenzied. When he gave a little tug of frustration on the elastic that held them, I shimmied my hips back and forth to aid his quest.

A devilish glint appeared in his green eyes making them seem brighter than usual. “You better hope there’s no poison oak out here.”

My own mischievous smile greeted him as I threw the small patch of fabric aside. “I’ll take my chances.”

“I don’t want to take any chances with your happiness or comfort.”

With that, Nate’s muscled arms lifted me onto his lap as if I were a tiny doll. He held me firmly against him and I felt the need build within me even stronger. Running my hands along his biceps, feeling my chest pressed against his chiseled broadness, and his hardness that strained against his jeans were making me feel dizzy. Our mouths never separated and our hands held each other in place until I couldn’t take it any longer. I let my hands drift from where they had weaved into his wavy brown hair to his jeans. There, I lowered the zipper carefully and sharply inhaled my breath upon feeling his hardness in my hands, ready for me.

“Oh Ella,” he uttered.

I couldn’t respond. I was too absorbed in what it felt like to have my legs wrapped around him with his manhood erect and against me. Slowly, I took him in my hands and led him up and down the length of me.

It didn’t matter that we weren’t in a plush bed with the highest thread count sheets. Any discomforts associated with being in the outdoors were forgotten as our bodies melded perfectly against each other. Even though I hadn’t been with Nate in this sense in months, being intimate with him felt like it always had. It had always seemed like we were made for each other and today was no exception.

Our kisses became tender again with less urgency as we both seemed to relax in the knowledge that we were going to see this through to the end. I wanted Nate and he wasn’t going to leave.

“I will always love you, Ella.”

“Oh Nate.” I buried my face into his neck, inhaling his intoxicating, woodsy scent. I wanted to answer, to tell him that I would always love him, but the mere thought started to bring a tear to my eye again. I looked up and instead, met his gaze.

With his thumb, he wiped away the wayward tear. “Now’s not the time for thoughts of sadness.” He swiftly swatted my behind with his hand and the action both surprised me and turned me on as I inadvertently pressed up against his hardness again.

I laughed in response. “Just what should we do with our time?” I raised my eyebrow coquettishly and that’s all it took. We were ready.

He gripped my hips with both hands, guiding the tip of himself so that he was prone against me. All it took was one lift of my hips and he slid inside me. I moved against him, pulling him in deep and relishing the moan that escaped his mouth as I did so. My own senses were heightened and one could have argued that it was the mountain air that made me feel dizzy, but I believed that it was my love for Nate.

Our passionate dance ended, but we remained entwined in each other’s arms and legs, holding each other close with the knowledge that our love would always be a part of the other.

#  #  #

I awoke in Nate’s arms, just as I used to when he was alive. Clouds rolled overhead, dusting the blue sky, but still allowing the sun to shine through and highlight the chaparral around us. We picked ourselves up and meandered hand-in-hand, taking in the surrounding beauty of the region with its drought tolerant plants such as Red Shanks, Chamise, and Ceanothus. The Big-Pod Ceanothus was blooming so profusely that it looked as though the surrounding hillside was covered by a light snow.

In short, the day was beautiful compared to the terrors of the night and it filled me with such pleasure, but I knew that I needed to go back to Ethan. He was sure to be worried about me and I had already caused enough concern to him and my loved ones. It hadn’t been my intention, but even so, it pained me. My mind was clear now and I wanted to come back to Ethan whole; to do so, there was still one thing I hoped to do with Nate before this delicious interlude ended.

“Remember when we used to play ‘find me, catch me, love me’?”

It was an erotic game of hide and seek that I had made up when Nate and I would spend the weekends together. He would come home to find one piece of lingerie discarded in the entryway and I was never far behind. He would have to find me and catch me, and when he did, it would always end in our making love.

“I’ll hide and you find me.”

“Does it matter that we seem to have naturally jumped to the conclusion of that game?”

“Not at all...We need a little fun. Now come and catch me!” I shouted over my shoulder as I took off into a wooded area that was dotted with wild Sweet Peas and Indian Paintbrush. The flora made the area smell like heaven. I crept behind a tree as I heard Nate’s footsteps in the distance and his deep, baritone voice calling my name. I giggled as he got closer, only to run to the next tree and hide once more. I’m sure that he saw me, but Nate was always a good sport and kept up the ruse.

“I’m getting closer,” he bellowed. “I can still smell your perfume, even though you’ve been out here for two days.”

“That’s the flowers,” I shouted from my hiding place on a large stone. I perched carefully on the rock formation and then pounced on him when he went past.

He grabbed me in his arms and spun me around. “Time for the love me part?”

I was just about to answer when the sound of coyotes howling reached our ears. It was a chilling noise reminiscent of the sound they emitted when making a kill. Innately, I knew that Ethan was in trouble and Nate must have sensed it too for he quickly grew serious and I heard him mutter something ominous under his breath.