Trust (Chasing Shadows) (9 page)

Coyotes often send one hunter down from the mountain to lead their kill back to the pack. Like a true predator, that lone hunter will befriend a domestic dog, act as if it wants to play, but when the dog follows, the others will lie in wait and the tables quickly turn.

I might have been able to take this one, a tan colored coyote with matted fur and ribs protruding. It paced in front of me, never taking its eyes off me. Just as I had made an early assessment, it also seemed to size me up. I had already made the first mistake. I didn’t come out swinging. Instead, I was so shocked to see it in such close proximity to where we had made camp that I kept my distance, thinking it would take in my height and decide I wasn’t worth getting into a fight over. I was wrong.

Although it looked frail and thin, that’s probably what made it dangerous. It was hungry and a wild animal that’s hungry is not one you want to encounter. It took a step closer and I instinctively took one back. Another mistake on my part for in the animal kingdom, this action placed the wild dog at an advantage over me. It knew that I was afraid. It smelled the fear emanating from my core. It could practically taste the victory and so it howled its glee and within a minute, others appeared at the ready.

This situation needed to change or it wouldn’t end well for me. I stood on my toes  and extended my arms above my head. Back in scouts we were taught that one is supposed to make themselves look as big and threatening as possible when faced with a predatory animal. The wild dogs merely bared their teeth as if my stance angered them. My periphery took in a large stick on the ground just behind me. I slowly stepped backward and bent to grab it, immediately jumping up again and yelling my own sort of threatening growl at the top of my lungs.

With a leap that I wasn’t expecting, the first one lunged toward me. Holding the  stick in my good hand, I swung instinctively and made contact with it squarely against the wild dog’s face. It was a good, strong hit that met my target, but it also severed the stick. The coyote seemed momentarily sedated, but only came back more incensed. With a howl it seemed to signal to the others that the time to take me out once and for all had come.

One pounced and I managed to fight it off with constant kicks and punches, but no sooner had it given up when another came from behind me and sank its teeth into my forearm above my injured hand. I jolted and winced with pain and then, out of the corner of my eye, something far more frightening than the attacking dogs came into my view. It was the sight of Ella and for the first time ever I wasn’t happy to see her.

“Go back! Get out of here, Ella!”

“I’m not leaving you!”

The dogs were still busy circling me, but it would only take a moment for their fancy to switch to Ella.

The embers from the fire I had previously set were still glowing with heat. Ella grabbed one log whose end had grown cool enough to touch and threw it at the dogs. It made direct contact with one of the largest and sent him running. Believing a threat was imminent, the others followed suit and retreated up the mountain bank. But the first one that had developed an interest in me was still keen at getting its morning meal.

It leapt again, biting my injured hand, which caused me to buckle to the ground. It was ready to kill in its favored fashion -- a bite to the throat just behind the jaw and below the ear. Once the dog launched its jaws into me, it would brace its feet and hold onto its prey, which was about to be me. Its grip would shift to the larynx region, and then it would simply hold on and wait. If I didn’t succumb to suffocation, the hemorrhaging from the larynx would take me. Although still on my back, I repeated kicked at the coyote while avoiding its bites. Fear for myself and Ella gripped me as I continued to fight.

Its face was nearly in contact with my own when it suddenly cried out, emitting a sound different from its howling victory. I saw Ella holding a large rock high above her head and she had used it to beat the coyote on the back of its neck. Again, she brought the rock down hard, this time against the back of its head. The dog was subdued enough that I was able to pick up another log and smack it over its ears.

The coyote ran off, deciding that we weren’t worth the fight and I looked at Ella in sheer wonder.

“You are so stupid. Why didn’t you run?” I complained while shaking my head in amazement. She was the most remarkable woman I had ever met. Brave to her very core. She had always been strong. I had seen that sense of pride and self-control within her from the very first day I met her. Others said she was struggling in the aftermath of Nate’s death, retreating from reality, but I could tell that she was working through her issues and would one day rise above the hardship.

“You could have been hurt...or worse,” I reflected.

“You saved me, Ethan. I was just returning the favor.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I can’t imagine living without you,” she said simply and with a smile on her lips that I hadn’t seen enough of, but vowed to make appear every day.

I didn’t stop to think about whether she would retreat from me again. I just reached for her waist, wrapped my arms tightly around her tiny frame and pulled her close against my body. My head bowed forward and I closed my eyes to rest my forehead against hers. I could feel my heart pounding and to me, it sounded in my head as if it were loud enough to start a rockslide. It was a combination of the residual adrenaline from fighting off the coyotes and just the anxiousness I felt in holding Ella so close.

I stayed that way, unable to move or even think. But then, Ella surprised me like she so often does and did enough thinking for the both of us.

With my head still resting against hers, I felt her hand caress my cheek. It was a slow, comforting move that if it had words would simply say, “Everything is okay now.” I inhaled deeply and then slowly let out the air and with it, all the tension that had built up inside me.

Her hand openly cupped my cheek and then she allowed her index finger to glide over my lips. It was a sensuous motion and although I had been curbing my instincts toward her for weeks, forcing myself not to feel the passion that was undeniably within me, I opened my eyes and met her glance, hoping that I wasn’t completely off base in my thoughts that this one little finger of hers, resting gently against my mouth, felt far beyond friendship, and beyond doctor and patient.

“Ella?” I questioned.

In a small voice she answered. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully show you my appreciation. I know that I was a job, but you never made me feel that way.”

I shook my head. “Ella, even though you were meant to be strictly my patient, you know, deep down you know...”

She nodded and smiled.

“You were never just my patient. You became my friend, my everything.”

Our relationship had run the gamut. She was injured, some would say damaged. But being in the position of analyzing her, I saw a woman who was incredibly strong. There was more to her than the description on her chart that used words such as bitter, sad, angry, suffering from loss. She was also beautiful, wise, and there was a carefree quality in her. I recognized those buried characteristics from the get-go. Most apparent was the fact that she was a survivor and our time over these two days proved that.

Her head fell gently to my shoulder and we just held each other, relieved to have   survived the latest peril and taking comfort in just being near each other. No words were spoken. Like so many times before, mere words weren’t necessary between us. I understood her and even more remarkably, she saw through me too.

She had made mistakes in taking too many sleeping aids, retreating into herself and her work, avoiding family and friends. But even as a trained psychiatrist, I had made mistakes too. I let my own demons and need to prove and redeem my mistakes of the past, shape my mistakes of the present. My own loss made me so desperate to help her that I agreed to move our professional counseling sessions to a decidedly more casual and personal locale. I reasoned that it was all in the name of therapy, that her mental comfort of being on the mountain would allow me to get inside her head and help understand and guide her. And then the greatest mistake of all...I wanted to spend time with her away from the office. I didn’t want to have sessions with her. I wanted to date her.

Medical ethics ruled out and seeing her in pain helped me set boundaries. Thankfully, I was always good at setting a course for professional excellence. I learned that the hard way. Yet, I’ve learned that our past shapes our future and without having suffered the pain of my own loss, I would never have been able to understand Ella’s. I would never have been able to put her needs ahead of my own and distance myself from her.

But now, her eyes searched my own with a question painted in her irises. I saw myself looking back in the reflection and I could see my need to know if she was now capable of loving me as I wanted to love her.

“Ethan, when I heard those coyotes, my first thoughts went to you. I’ve known loss. I never want to feel it with regards to you.”

Her finger that had trailed over my lip, then crooked toward herself in a ‘come here’ motion. She placed it against her own lips and I didn’t need another hint.

I pressed my mouth against hers and kissed her...hard. The built up passion that I could no longer contain poured from my heart. My hands weaved into her waves of brown hair, serving to pull her head even closer to mine. I never wanted to let her go. Her mouth opened against mine, and unlike the time we had kissed before, I felt her accept me.

We explored each other’s mouths and let our hands hold each other close. She stopped, but only for the briefest of moments, just long enough so that we could look into each other’s eyes. We still held each other closely.

“You rescued me...and I rescued you right back.”

“That you did,” I smiled.

Her hands trailed over my chest and I could see her mind spinning with thoughts. “You’re something, you know?” she said with a chuckle.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re amazingly strong -- and I don’t mean you’re body, but that’s pretty amazing too.” She allowed her hands to move over my chest and I was elated with her boldness. “But, your mind, your spirit...”

I closed my eyes, relishing in the feel of her hands over me. My hardness pressed against my jeans, but I enjoyed the torture of it. I grabbed her hands and held them in my own.

“What is it?” she asked.

“I want to take this slow and show you that it’s right. I will love you properly one day. But, it’ll be off this mountain on top of the most plush and soft mattress ever, cradled in smooth, cool, and clean sheets.”

“Clean sounds good. I’m a mess aren’t I?”

“A beautiful mess.”

“Ethan?”

I furrowed my brow, her tone sounding both worried and small.

“What is it?” I pulled her close once again.

“Why did you put up with me for so long? I mean, not here,” she said, motioning her head to the wilderness around us, “but, everything else. I’ve been so back and forth with you and I’m sorry for that. You didn’t deserve it.”

“You have nothing to apologize for and you deserve a man who is willing to wait for you. You’re worth waiting for.”

She smiled at me as she spoke the most heart-warming words I had ever heard. “I’m here now. And, I’m ready.”

“I’ve fallen in love with you, Ella.”

That radiant smile erupted even broader over her pink lips. “I love you, too.”

At that moment, we heard the next sweetest sound to our proclamations of love...the sound of a helicopter. Unlike before, it didn’t pass us by. It emerged over the next mountain range and this time, we were in a clearing that made us visible to it. The helicopter dipped lower and then the sound of the pilot’s voice could be heard, telling us it was coming in to land.

We were going home. Together. Together, at last.

“He’s waiting for you,” I said, surprised that Ella sought me out. I wasn’t expecting her thoughts to call to me at this moment. I was happy for her and I hoped that there was no trace of emotion to the contrary in my voice. I wanted Ella to hear my statement as a fact. It was time for her to continue with her life.

Ella nodded before answering. “I felt like there was one more thing I needed to say...or maybe, needed to ask.”

“Tell me.”

“I want you to know that I’m okay. And, I want to know that you’re okay in hearing that.”

I looked at her seriously. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Ella, trust yourself. Trust what’s in your heart.”

She nodded and swallowed hard. I could tell that she was still hesitating to tell me everything in her heart, let alone what was in her head. A few tears began their descent down her cheek, but I quickly swiped them away.

“Ella, it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. It’s healthy and part of life...the living.”

“You’re my past Nate. You will always be in my heart, but Ethan...I believe that he’s my future. I’ve fallen in love with him as much as it hurts me to say that aloud to you.”

I took her in my arms. “Don’t be sad. You should be happy. You’re healing and that’s what I want for you. We had a wonderful life and you still have an even brighter future to enjoy.”

“Trust my heart,” she echoed my words.

I nodded. “And trust in the future.”

“Is this goodbye?” she asked.

“It is for now. But should you need comfort, it’s just a walk in the woods.”

We hugged each other and I felt the familiar feeling surge inside of me that occurred whenever I held Nate, but it was mixed with something else that I hadn’t felt in many weeks.

Hope. Faith. Belief.

I had hope that my loved ones would find comfort. Faith would keep me strong. And a deep belief in the power of love to heal would propel me forward.

Nate kissed me again; this time a reassuring kiss on the cheek. He nodded that it was time for me to leave. I had a trip to take with Ethan. It wasn’t just a trip in the helicopter, but one into our future. The wind picked up as if urging us to say our goodbyes. I turned and ran toward the helicopter, faster and faster, as my dress floated behind me like the wings of doves.

I stopped suddenly, remembering something. Nate was still there, standing in the clearing in the woods. He looked up with a questioning glance.

“Don’t worry,” I assured him.

I was ready for this moment. I could say goodbye, but before I did, I reached into my backpack and retrieved a poem that I had written many months earlier. I had planned to read it to Nate at our wedding -- the wedding that would never be, but now had found a special placeholder in my memory. It was time to read him my vow and then send it on the wind.

I unfolded the paper and whispered the words...

As I prepare for a new journey, I vow my heart and my mind to you.

There are certain things that life teaches us to value.

An open mind that is ready for discovery.

A pure heart that is ready for love.

Our memories that stay close, but know when to fade.

We keep the past close to our heart.

While living in the moment of the present.

Embrace the future.

One never knows what it holds.

Be open to the wonder and beauty of life.

It is our journey and purpose.

Nate blew me a kiss and I smiled and caught it. I would always love him, and that was alright.

As the wind from the helicopter picked up and I could see Ethan about to board, turning to ensure that I wasn’t far behind. I folded the paper into a small triangle and then held it high over my head and released it into the wind where I took comfort in knowing that it would find its rightful place, just as I had.