Where You Can Find Me (11 page)

He brushed the hair back from my cheek. “You are great. Thank you for listening. And your advice was perfect. I need to keep my reactions in check until I have more solid ground to move on. Thank you.” He leaned in to brush his lips on my cheek, lingering long enough to make me want more. I turned my face and placed my lips on his. Each kiss began lingering a little bit longer than the last as his hands moved to my hips and one made its way up to brush along my ribs and breast.

I pulled back. “Let’s go to bed. You can hold me tonight and we can pretend all is okay right now. Let’s pretend.”

“There is no need to pretend. When I’m with you everything is more than okay.”

My chest expanded to encompass the huge feeling that took up residence in my heart as I bit my lip to control the smile that tried to overtake my face. Jack reached around me and gripped my bottom, lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and we made our way upstairs for the night where he proved to me until dawn that everything was more than okay. I would have said it was phenomenally fantastic.

T
he next morning
Jack stayed for breakfast. He even made it. He made the best scrambled eggs and toast I had ever had. I think the fact that he didn’t have a shirt on made it taste much better than any other breakfast. I sat at the table and ogled his chest. It had a light dusting of hair, just enough to make it manly. He didn’t have an insane twelve pack of abs, but a definable six with those magical side muscles that pointed me in the direction of the happiness that hung between his legs. Good God, the man was delicious.

“I’ll have to leave once breakfast is done. I am meeting Grayson later to check out another contact.” He dished out the food onto plates and brought them to the table, sitting down to eat.

“So when do I get to meet this elusive Grayson?” Jack’s fork froze on its ascent to his mouth for a second.

He avoided eye contact as he murmured a quick, “Sometime soon, I’m sure.”

I set my fork down and confronted him. He acted strange every time I asked about meeting his friend and I tried to have enough confidence to hope it wasn’t me but, in all honesty, I struggled to keep thinking that. “What’s up with you not wanting me to meet Grayson?”

He looked up with his eyebrows lowered in a look of denial. “I never said I didn’t want you to meet him.”

“No. You just tense up and act evasive every time I bring up meeting him. I mean, if you don’t want me to meet him or you want to keep our relationship separate, then just let me know. I know we just really took the next step and maybe I’m thinking too much. You haven’t met Evie yet, but I want you to. And maybe this is just one-sided and I’ve managed to—”

Jack put his finger against my lips to stop me from talking. “Luella. Stop. I don’t want to keep you separate from my life. Stop overthinking this.” He removed his finger and leaned forward to peck my lips. He sat back as he rubbed his hand over his hair and down his face, taking a deep breath. He seemed to be considering his words and I began to worry. “It’s not that I don’t want you to meet Grayson; he’s my best friend. He is more than that; he’s my brother and I trust him with everything, including my life. He’s saved it enough times.” Taking a deep breath he looked up at me and seemed to have made a decision to tell me something I may not like. I took my own deep breath and braced myself for the worst. “I know we talked about how we hooked up at the bar and how out of the norm it was for us. But that doesn’t mean I have been celibate or in a relationship every time I have sex.”

I nodded my head slowly and tried to control my widening eyes. I didn’t want him to back down from what he wanted to say just because my face couldn’t control the confusion and worry. “Okaaay.”

“Shit. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Maybe it doesn’t need to be said.” He broke eye contact and shook his head as though trying clear it. “Basically, Grayson knows about my sexual exploits and … and I just don’t want you to meet him and for him to expect more from you than either of us is prepared for. He’s very forward.”

I was pretty sure my eyebrows rose to my hairline because I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He noticed my confusion and leveled a stare at me. “Grayson and I have shared a lot of women in the past. It’s a common thing. I didn’t want him to meet you and say something without you understanding that. At the same time I didn’t want to tell you that and freak you out and make you think I’m some kind of man-whore.”

I watched him say it all calmly. I stared at him for a bit as I dragged my fingers back and forth across my lips, processing what he said. After some thought, I decided to let it go. I was more curious than anything. So he had all kinds of crazy sex. As long as he didn’t have it with others while he was with me, then I didn’t care. After a long pause where he began to look a little panicked by my silence, I fell back on my usual reaction: awkward humor.

“So … is Grayson hot?” One eyebrow rose as he tilted his head to the side. “I mean if I’m going to imagine you having a threesome and insert myself in that mental image, then I need to make sure the other guy is hot.”

Jack’s head fell back as deep laughter came from his shaking chest. It vibrated across the room and settled around me. His laugh made me feel warm and happy. I loved the way his mouth stretched wide, showing the lines around his mouth. He finally got himself under control and looked at me with humor lingering in his eyes. I rested my elbow on the table and placed my chin in my hand. “I’m glad you find me so funny.”

“Lu, you are a surprise at every turn. Here I am sweating bullets about what you’ll think of me and you’re over there imagining have a threesome with Grayson.” I just shrugged my shoulders shamelessly. “Hey, baby. Whatever you want.”

We both laughed a little more before I asked him to tell me more about Grayson.

“Well, like I said, he’s more like a brother than anything. We’ve been through a lot together while we were in the military. He always supported me. There were times when I struggled with my duties as a sniper, but Grayson, Grayson loved it. He had that mentality that doing what needed to be done didn’t bother him. He would try and help me see it that way when I struggled. He enjoyed being a sniper. I think it was hard for him when he got out. That was when I moved here and I was able to help support him. He never really talked about why he struggled so much, but after a year or so he managed to push through. I mean, we all adjust differently. He hit another rough patch when his mom died three years ago. But we stuck it out. Part of me thought that was going to be it for him. That would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. His anger would get the best of him but I was always able to talk him down and once the company started taking off, he was able to focus on that.”

“He sounds like a great guy. You both are lucky to have that friendship and brotherly bond.”

“Definitely. He’s pulled my ass out of the fire more times than I can count. I mean, yesterday he stopped me from letting my temper get the best of me. He’s always there to pull me back. We both are.”

I smiled, hearing the fondness in his voice. I could tell how much Grayson meant to him. He was Jack’s Evie. “Well, I can’t wait to meet him. He seems like an important part of who you are.”

“Yeah. I’m sure he will have a lot to say about you. He likes to embarrass me and push my buttons. But he would never do anything to seriously piss me off.”

After we finished eating and cleaning up we shared a shower where Jack proceeded to give me a hickey on my breast and two orgasms. I loved the way he made me feel small and weightless while he held me against the wall and fucked me, whispering a mixture of sweet and dirty words in my ear. I could get used to him showering with me every morning.

Once we got out, he left for his meeting with Grayson and I remained standing in my kitchen drinking a cup of coffee trying to decide what to do for the day. I leaned against the counter and stared out my back window contemplating my options.

Christmas was coming up and I still had some shopping to do. I only had to get gifts for Evie and Jameson in the past. And now I had Jack to add to my list. It felt good to have a boyfriend to buy for. I loved giving gifts. Now I just needed to figure out what to get him. In the meantime, I still needed to have a
conversation
with Jameson about what he said to Jack on Friday. The sooner we had the argument, the better, with Christmas right around the corner. Today we were meeting at King’s for our Sunday lunch and I figured I would head there early to have it out before Evie arrived.

O
n my way
to King’s I worked myself up to being just as pissed off as I was at the time I discovered Jameson’s overbearing ways. He thought he was being so damn protective of me and instead he gave Jack the idea I was some raging alcoholic. I knew I’d made mistakes in the past but I worked hard to overcome everything and be a better version of me. It was about damn time that he started treating me the way I deserved. He needed to see me for who I was now and not what I did in the past. I worked hard to leave it behind and he kept bringing it up and unintentionally shoving it in my face.

I angrily ignored all my surroundings as I whipped open the door to the bar and stomped my way in. Music played softly from the sound system. When I didn’t see him behind the bar I headed toward the back where the supply closet and kitchen were located. My boot heels rang loudly in the empty bar as I rounded the corner to peek into the supply closet first and stopped fucking dead.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

My brother had one hand grasped firmly on Evie’s bare ass and another shoved between her legs under her panties. I had an epic view since her skirt was hiked up to her waist. Her blouse hung open as Jameson buried his head between her cleavage. Evie had her head thrown back against the wall with her eyes closed. “Oh, God. Fuck me, Jameson. Please.”

“Aaaangahhh.” I sounded like I had choked on my own tongue, but I needed to make some noise to make it stop.
Oh, God. Make it stop.

Evie screamed as she jerked up and saw me. Jameson pulled his hand out from between Evie’s legs and muttered, “Fuck,” before setting Evie down and rearranging his pants.

“Oh, God.” My voice came out high pitched and panicked as my mouth hung open before turning to rush back out to the dining room.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
I wanted to burn the images from my mind.

Evie came chasing out after me. “Shit, Lu. I’m sorry. I didn’t expect you to be here early.”

“Obviously.” She sighed and gave me a look that told me not to give her shit. But holy hell, I just walked in on her and my brother about to get it on. I pressed my fingers to my eyes and tried to will the image away. “God, Evie! Blech! You know I don’t give a shit it happened. I’m just beyond horrified that I saw it happening.” I couldn’t stop the disgusted noises coming from my mouth as I made gagging motions.

“Well to set your mind at ease, I’m not going at it with Jameson behind your back. It just sort of happened.” She shrugged her shoulders. She seemed pretty confused and I figured we would talk later. As Jameson walked up beside her I realized now wasn’t the time. “What are you doing here so early anyways?”

I gave a pointed stare to Jameson and said, “I came to talk to Jameson about some
unresolved issues
we have.”

Jameson rolled his eyes while Evie threw her hands up in the air. “Oh, yeah. I know what you want to talk about and I’m not staying around for that.” She walked over to the bar and collected her purse. “I’ll tell you what—I’ll let you guys have this family lunch alone today to have that fun argument and I’ll catch up with you next week.” Right before she walked out the door she turned and blew me a kiss, not acknowledging Jameson at all. Interesting. I figured she hauled ass out of here to give us some space as well as to ignore him.

I turned to look at Jameson and saw him staring at the closed door and flexing his jaw. He looked pissed. Well, that made two of us. Walking in on that horrifying sight might have distracted me from my anger at the moment but now that Evie had left I could feel my rage building. “How could you?” my raised voice got his attention back on me.

He lifted his hands up and dropped them back down to his sides in a hopeless gesture. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Lu. She just came in here and it’s not like I planned on anything with her.” He dragged both hands up into his hair in frustration. “She pushes and pushes and I pushed back and the next thing you know I have her against—”

“”Stop!” I scrunched my eyes closed and hold up my hand. “Just stop! That isn’t what I’m talking about.”

“Then what the hell has you so damn pissed?”

“What has me so damn pissed, Jameson?” My voice dropped to a low quiet tone which usually meant I was about to lose it. “What has me so pissed, Ja-me-son, is that you feel the need to share
my
damn business like you have any right. What the hell did you think you were doing asking Jack if I had been drinking a lot lately? Huh!?” My voice crescendoed throughout my rant and ended in a yell at the end.

Understanding crossed his face. He took a breath and looked like he was going to talk but I kept going with my anger. I knew he was my older brother and felt protective of me, but it needed to stop. He crossed a line Friday night that couldn’t be crossed again. “No! You don’t get to talk. You have, obviously, done enough talking. It was six god-damned years ago. When will you let it go? When will I be able to officially let go of my mistakes, my grief, and move on? When will you stop expecting the worst of me and doubting me and waiting for me to fuck up again? Huh? When will you let me move the fuck on? We all grieved in our own ways and just because it was easy for you to move on after becoming an impenetrable fucking rock that had no emotions and therefore couldn’t make mistakes, doesn’t mean I couldn’t make mine. It doesn’t mean I should have you hanging over my shoulder, harassing the people in my life, forever.”

My chest heaved with the breaths coming in and out so quickly. I had been holding it all in for so long, feeling so guilty over what I had put him through that I just put up with his overbearing ways. It felt good to let it out. But looking at Jameson scared me. He stood to his full imposing height and his dark eyebrows slashed over his dark eyes. He looked to be breathing just as hard as I was. He struggled to remain in control of his anger and I hadn’t ever seen Jameson lose his temper before. Not really.

He took one last deep breath that apparently had done nothing to calm him because the next thing I knew he unleashed his own anger. “You think it was easy for me to move on?” He laughed a humorless laugh before starting again, almost yelling this time. “You think it was fucking easy for me to move on? How, Luella? How the fuck was it easy for me to move on, when watching you self destruct for the next damned year constantly reminded me of what we had lost? Yes, Luella. Fucking
we.
I know Asher was your Irish twin, but he was also my brother, my fucking brother! And after losing both Mom and Dad and it being just the three of us it hurt like hell to lose Asher. And it hurt like hell to live, for a year, on the edge of losing the last fucking family member I had. Do you remember what it was like when Asher deployed? Every phone call from an unknown number had us on edge in case it was someone to tell us the worst news. When Asher died, you didn’t have to worry about that phone call anymore. But I still did. Every day that you continued to self-destruct and be reckless with your life, I feared every damn phone call. And while you couldn’t have cared less about being alive anymore, all I wanted was to hold on to whatever I had left. I wanted to hold on to you. We were all we had left and you didn’t give two shits that I was still here. I’ve always fucking been here.

“And then the phone call came. It was like losing that last fucking string of hope. So, mother-fucking
excuse me
for holding onto you too damn tight. Excuse me for wanting to make sure you don’t try to leave me again.” He leaned closer to me, punctuating each sentence with a finger jabbed in his chest. “I’m sorry I seemed impenetrable to you, but all I was trying to do was be strong enough for the both of us. If you didn’t think I was dying inside with each and every death we suffered then you’re a damn fool.”

Tears streamed down my face as my breaths hiccuped in my chest. I had no idea and now Jameson stood a foot in front of me yelling at me. I guess he had his own rage he had been holding in. And while he was wrong to tell Jack what he did, I had been a selfish bitch for so long thinking I was the only person grieving. I wanted to tell him the words, but I sobbed too hard to get anything out. I felt so small and so much the fool Jameson called me.

“I’m sorry,” I gasped out between sobs. “I’m so, so sorry.” My shoulders dropped forward and I buried my face in my hands. The next thing I knew, arms enveloped me tightly and pulled me close to a hard chest that would always feel like home no matter how angry he got at me. His chest vibrated with the same release of emotion that coursed through me.

“Fuck, Lu.
I’m
sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I’m sorry.” His hand held on to the back of my head while the other soothed up and down my back. “I’m having a shitty week and you caught me off guard and I lost my cool. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Please.”

“Jameson, I had no idea you felt that way because I
am
a fool. I’m a selfish fool and I’m sorry. You have nothing to apologize for.” After a pause I pulled my head back to look at him. “Actually, you do need to be sorry for telling Jack. You can’t do that. You can talk to me. Why do you think we do these family lunches every other Sunday? So we can talk. So you can’t intervene like that again. I would have told Jack eventually, but I was forced to tell him sooner than I wanted to because of what you said. It was my mistakes and my story to tell in my own time.”

After a deep breath he apologized. “I’m sorry, Lu. I know sometimes I go too far and I will try not to.” He leaned down to place a kiss on the top of my head. “I love you. Like I said, we’re all the family we have left.” We both calmed down and I wiped my face. He stepped back and asked what I wanted for lunch, breaking the emotional moment.

“Just a salad with ranch.” He raised his eyebrow in question, knowing I usually eat more. “Okay, the crab cake salad with ranch and a side of sweet potato fries.” The chef, who made the wise choice to ignore the yelling going on earlier and stayed in the back, brought our food out. We ate mostly in silence, making small talk about the bar and my research. He had no understanding of my molecular research, but he listened and always asked questions. We avoided any more heavy talk about our argument and Evie. Frankly, I didn’t want to know. As long as he didn’t hurt her and she didn’t hurt him, I was fine. I didn’t need details. Something I would have to make very clear to Evie when I saw her next.

Eventually he asked the other topic I hoped to avoid: Jack. I tried to be evasive and play it off as nothing, but even though we weren’t as close as Asher and I were, he still knew when I didn’t completely tell the truth. So, without too many details, I told him that Jack made me feel happy and hopeful for the first time in a long time. He seemed both content and worried with that answer. I figured as long as he didn’t disapprove or get upset by any of it, then I would be accepting of his worry.

“Are you going to bring him over for Christmas?” Jameson and I spent Christmas together every year, usually just the two of us. Sometimes Evie would join us. He would come over early Christmas morning and I would make breakfast before we opened presents. Later, since I never worked, I would go into the bar and help him bartend that night. It was an unconventional tradition, but it was ours and I loved it.

“No. He has family in Texas and mentioned going back home for a few days. I didn’t even offer.” I gave a wry smile at my hesitance. Even though my feelings had become stronger the more we saw each other, it had only been a little over a month and I didn’t want to seem overeager or push it too far.

“That’s good.” I tilted my head in question as to why it was good that I didn’t have my boyfriend over for Christmas? “What? I’m not ready to share our Christmases with anyone else. I apparently have to cherish this one since it will probably be our last one with just the two of us. I’ll
never
see you.
Ever
again.” He brought the back of his hand to his forehead and fell back in his chair, dramatically fainting.

I rolled my eyes at his antics. “Whatever. Sometimes we have Evie when she doesn’t make it out to California. And even if by some miracle Jack and I are still together next year, I will always keep with our Christmas tradition. Besides,” I looked in his eyes so he could recognize the seriousness of my words, “we’re all the family we have left. No matter who is there and who isn’t, it’s always us.”

He tipped his head in that manly way only guys can pull off to let me know he understood and reciprocated my feelings. “Good, because if you ever leave me alone with Evelyn on Christmas I will never forgive you.”

We both laughed and enjoyed the rest of our lunch knowing we most likely wouldn’t see each other until Christmas. Finally, we said our goodbyes and moved on from the earlier argument that had happened. We ignored what I’d walked in on and promised to see each other in three weeks on Christmas morning.