Who Moved My Blackberry? (21 page)

Absolutely no problem at all, only I'm not sure who you planned on asking. I don't think Roger has the emotional intelligence to be able to read other people. And Thelma hasn't had time to get to know me yet. If you want someone who really understands what makes yours truly tick, then Graham Wallace is your man.

Re my own take on my Development Opportunities—can I mull over for a day or two and get back to you?

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—

I know you're up against it … you seem to be working on 5 million different projects … Why don't I take Max down to Eton for his first day of term?

Martin xx

PS If Pandora contacts you about my weaknesses, can you try to be a tiny bit nice??

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

Thanks for your message … yes it was lovely to see you on Saturday. Hope the curtain rail is still up … as I said, I think your curtains are a touch on the heavy side, and the wall is a bit soft, but fingers crossed!

Took Max off to Eton yesterday. He looked great in his black tailcoat. Totally confident, as if he owned the place. Jake starts tomorrow at Tooting 6th form college, and seems fairly positive about it. He's got some working out to do about who he is and where he's going, though that's not unusual for a lad that age. He finds his mother quite difficult, at the moment, but our relationship is quite strong … he just needs some space.

Your loving son

Martie

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Provost@EtonCollege

Dear Provost

I'm so sorry our conversation got interrupted yesterday—it was all a bit of a scrum. As I explained, I'm Martin Lukes, Marketing Director of a-b glöbâl (UK), father of Max, one of your scholars.

Following on from what we were saying, I'm a great believer in partnership between business and education. We should join hands to pool best practice and enjoy the synergies, if you will. From your brochure, I see that last term you attracted speakers from the “Arts World” including Jonathan Miller and Judi Dench, and on the sciences side you had Richard Dawkins (I have issues with his take on genetics, but that's another story). I would be delighted to assist by throwing some names into the ring—John Browne, CEO of BP, happens to be a personal friend, or my own esteemed CEO, Barry S. Malone, would be only too delighted to help. Alternatively, if you did not want a “Big Name” I myself would be honored to offer the boys breakout workshops on creovation™.

As you know most business people today are on the go 24/7/365, but I'm sure I could sort something out!

Yours sincerely

Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

Sorry for the delay. I always find it challenging thinking about my less strong strengths—but I've tried to be very honest, and really dish the dirt!

1. I have an issue around not tolerating fools gladly. If I sense someone is a lot less perceptive or forward-thinking than myself, I can seem a tad dismissive. Example? I suggested to the Provost of Eton College that the lads should be taught creovation™. He had some difficulty grasping the concept, and complained he couldn't find it in the dictionary!!
   

2. I have a low boredom threshold. Because I am interested in driving change, I can get bored and frustrated when change is too slow. Basically that's my issue with Roger. He's a boring guy. End of story.
   

3. Because I set the bar very high for myself, I can sometimes get a bit frustrated if other people don't live up to the same standards. This is an issue in my relationship with Jake—it also may be a problem with Thelma going forward.
   

If I think of any others, I'll let you know!

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Pinky … please don't put pressure on me. I WILL tell her. I'll do it when the time is right. I know I said as soon as Max had started at Eton, but I didn't mean immediately. I'll try to leave at 6 tonight and we can have a couple of hours before I go home.

Kisses and more

Porky

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

Before I feedback the—fascinating—results from the little exercise I've done, I want to share with you my disappointment.

Martin, you know what I feel about the negative. It has no place in Executive Bronze! We are NOT talking about your weaknesses. I never allow my coachees to say the w-word. All your characteristics are strengths, but some of them are less strong than some of the others!

Now the feedback. I've kept the responses anonymous because people were more prepared to be completely frank on a no-names basis.

One less strong strength that various people flagged up was listening. It seems that you have serious issues in listening to what other people are saying. Don't worry Martin. We can fix that!

Another issue is around anger. My feedback suggests that you can have a short fuse!

It was also suggested that there were other issues—around snobbery, envy, ego, cynicism, lack of attention to detail, laziness, status anxiety—however I think we will leave those for another day and zero in on anger for now.

Anger is something we feel when our values have been violated. So next time you feel angry, Martin, get a little curious, and ask yourself: why do I feel this? Then I want you to close your eyes and breathe. In—out—in—out—in—out. Ten times. When you have done that you are ready to draw your anger. This can help let the toxins out of your brain. Once the toxins are out, you can start to deal with it in a more positive way!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Who said all that??? Have you been talking to my wife, by any chance? Completely fucking typical (if you'll pardon my French) that she would bad-mouth me. You have probably sussed out that we aren't exactly getting on like a house on fire at the present moment in time. Who else has been slagging me off?

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Remember, Martin … positive words only!! Expletives drain your energy source.

As I said these are NOT negatives, and I don't feel it would be fair to name the people. They are all close to you, and all want to help you be better than your best!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Howdy!

Over the past months we have taken many big steps towards our goal of Phenomenal Performance Permanently. The biggest of these is viewing ourselves as a global family that is truly world class. That does not just mean picking players from Atlanta, or London or Tokyo. It means picking peak performing players from every geography—in particular it means searching countries such as India for members to join our family.

Many companies have taken the route of offshoring parts of their business. But that is not what we are doing. We are right-shoring. We are looking for the right shore to base certain business fuctions. We are looking for the right home for new members of our family.

I shall be leading a small team to India next week to visit various sites, and will keep you notified of all developments going forward.

I love you all

Barry

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Sounds ominous—though marketing isn't something that you can expect cheap labor in India to get their heads around. Sales much more vulnerable … last two months' figures totally tanking, so if I were you I'd be very afraid. We work our arses off here in marketing, but where does it get us if you guys don't get out and sell???

Btw did you tell a whole bunch of evil lies to Pandora re yours truly??

Martin

PS Drink?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Many thanks for your message! I would be delighted to take part in the Indian trip. The subcontinent has always been close to my heart, and I am strongly in favor of offshoring as much as economically feasible. Diversity is one of our greatest challenges, and obviously in India the entire population is diverse!

All my very bestest.

PS Please pass on my best wishes to your charming wife Randee.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—very exciting … I've just been asked to go on Barry's road show to India next week!! This is bigger than ABC—and he wants me at the heart of it! Neither Keith nor Cindy are going … feels like I'm cruising past them on the inside lane …

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

How was I supposed to know you were going to the Diverse High Potentials symposium in Dortmund? I don't remember that being on the calendar. In any case it's only Jake at home, and he'll be fine with Svetlana.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Hi Thelma—Can you Google “India” and “outsourcing” and get me some facts and figures? Also can you sort injections and flights, visa, security situation etc.

Ta muchly

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

WHY IN GOD'S NAME HAVE I BEEN SENT ECONOMY TICKETS??? Can you get them changed asap? Can you tell Rog that this trip is mission critical and that I'll have to hit the groud running.

Martin

PS I'm nearly out of business cards—will need more by tomorrow …

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora—Anger situation over being sent economy air tickets. I've taken a deep breath and drawn a picture of myself cooped up all night in economy, which if anything has made me even crosser.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Katherine Lukes

Hi Katherine

Thanks for your e-mail. So sorry to hear you've lost your job—would love to help in any way I can down the road.

Fraid I can't do the 12th for our grand reunion … I'm off on a trip to India with our CEO. Will be in touch on my return.

Martin

PS rgds to Fiona!

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

WHAT'S WITH THESE NEW BUSINESS CARDS??? MINE IS COMPLETELY USELESS BECAUSE IT HASN'T GOT MY BLOODY TITLE ON IT. CALL STATIONERY AND GET THEM TO SORT IT OUT ASAP. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

I don't believe I'm hearing this! They're MEANT to be like that? M

From:
Jenny Withers

To:
All Staff

I would like to explain the thinking behind our exciting new business cards, which you should be receiving today. You will notice that the section that used to bear a title is now left blank. This is because each individual member of the a-b glöbâl family is equally an ambassador for our company.

Jenny

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

NOT ONLY IS THIS MILES OUTSIDE YOUR REMIT … IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING LOONEY TUNES. YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY BELIEVE ANY OF THAT TWADDLE DO YOU????

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora

I'm totally fucking FURIOUS! I've drawn a picture of my feelings which was a great big scribble. It didn't make me feel any better, and all I've done is ruin the nib on my Montblanc pen. Now my wife is trying to scupper my career chances with an idiot change to business cards. Am going to do some breathing and compose a diplomatic message to Keith.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Hi Keith

Long time, no hear. Hope all is well in Atlanta. As you know I'm pretty snowed under ahead of the Bangalore trip, which promises to be interesting!

I wanted to contact you re the plan to remove titles from business cards, which my ladywife informs me she and your good self have been working on co-jointly.

As you know, I couldn't care less about who comes where in the hierarchy, but our external stakeholders need to know who it is they are dealing with. Withholding that information makes it impossible for us to do our jobs effectively.

Martin

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Dinky Pinky … Don't sulk at me. This trip is make or break for me with BSM … I really need my beauty sleep tonight. Will bring you back a lovely pressie from India.

Porky xxx