Who Moved My Blackberry? (22 page)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham

Greetings from sunny Bangalore! Guess what I can see from my bedroom??? A beautiful golf course!! Sky is blue and it's 79 degrees. Barry was on the same flight from London—just as well I went economy—because he was in economy too. I didn't even see he was on the plane until I was well into my third g + t, a bit embarrassing as he was on the water.

He's brought that Fortune journalist Janine with him. Apparently she's writing an article about this too!

Cheers, M

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Darling Pinky—Arrived safely, though knackered after the flight. For now it's the minibar and Terminator 3. Will msg tomorrow. Please don't be cross with me … Love you, Mxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling Jens—Arrived safely, though knackered after the flight. For now it's the minibar and Terminator 3. Will msg tomorrow. Please don't be cross with me … Love you, Mxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry,

Great meeting just now with Sanjay Balasubramanian. I'm confident that by going the captive route we can ensure we get 210 percent buy-in to our core values. However, I do feel there are some communications issues and we need to be proactive in addressing these.

Suggestion. I feel it would be helpful if I sent a daily debrief to the folks at home—something quite chatty in style, a bit like a letter, to be posted on the intranet. This would facilitate wider ownership/comprehension of the global process.

Are you eating in the pavilion dining room later?

Bestest, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

Incredibly embarrassing thing happened last night. I was sitting on the edge of my bed with my eyes shut and chanting “I feel calm, I feel fabulous, I feel marvelous, I can do anything, I can be anything”—exactly as you told me, when Barry came in. At first I thought that was me done for. But it turns out that he does the same thing himself! He says that he started working with his coach on his own self-esteem 20 years ago!

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham

Stop press! Barry and Janine definitely an item. They keep disappearing together … he turns off his mobile … supposedly to conduct in-depth interviews …

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry. Just seen your message. Never mind about supper tonight. That's fine for a 5:30am breakfast tomorrow. See you then—if I don't run into you in the gym beforehand!

Bestest, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Namaste! (as they say in these parts!)

This is Day Two of the right-shoring fact-finding mission fronted by Barry Malone and my good self. We felt it would be helpful to keep you in the loop with a daily e-mail. This morning we visited the captive operations of GE. The place was incredible—really quiet, really clean. The Indian can-do headset is totally mind-boggling. These people smile all the time, nothing's too much trouble.

They have no issues around pay, as low salaries are part of the unique culture. I have attached a paper from McKinsey on the economics of BPO showing that this really is win-win. Namaste!

Martin

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Dearest Pinky

Still no e-mails from you. And when I tried to call on your mobile it was turned off. Please don't sulk at me.

Sky is blue here, and everything fine, except that I am lonely in my big hotel bed. I've bought you a beautiful sari at the hotel shop (cost an arm and a leg) and a Nehru suit for myself, so we can play dressing up when I get home. I thought you could wear it with no knickers and I'll unwrap you.

Love you, Perky

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

That's not very grateful! It's a lovely turquoise color, which I thought would be nice with your eyes … Actually, the Nehru suit is a great hit—plenty of positive feedback from the shop assistants!

Perky xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Subject
: Bangalore briefing note 2

Namaste!!

As I get to know this place better, I'm aware of how many profound misunderstandings there are about the Indian culture.

The first is about skillsets. These people are actually highly intelligent and educated! I had dinner last night with an Indian guy who was fascinated by my take on viral marketing. Not only did he speak really good English but has an MBA from Harvard!

The level of passion for work is really energizing.

The other observation is about corner shops—paradoxically there aren't any here at all! It's totally ironic that Indians have cornered (!) the market in corner shops in Britain, while the market here is wide open. An opportunity for some creovative™ entrepreneur!

Please don't hesitate to message Barry or myself if you have any questions.

Namaste!
Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham

Thanks for your message. You're quite right—basically thousands of jobs will go in the US and UK, but only at junior level. For you and me, it'll be fine.

You'd love it here. Some of the girls are gorgeous, though not very available. The cute little thing who cleans my room gave me a meaningful smile last night, but when I reciprocated she didn't want to know. Ironic she should be so uptight when this is the home of the Karma Sutra! Believe me, it's a land of paradoxes.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Hi Thelma. Got back last night totally shattered. I'm off the caffeine, but a mint tea would be great if you can find such a thing …

Martin

PS I've got a gift for you—it's by your desk.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Jake—I understand that while I have been away you have failed to show up at college at all. Starting today, I am implementing the following remedial four-prong action plan.

1. You are grounded until further notice.
   

2. I have spoken with the principal of yr college. He will notify myself of your attendance daily.
   

3. Your allowance is cut to zero.
   

4. Your mobile phone is confiscated.
   

We will review the above on a weekly timeframe going forward.

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Oh dear, you weren't meant to see the card! You're right, I did buy it originally for someone else but decided to give it to you instead! Actually she's smaller than you—but the good thing about saris is it's one size fits all!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Goodness gracious me (as they say in India!) I didn't mean to be size-ist. Though as a matter of fact I noticed many Indian matrons—much larger than you!—who looked very good in saris. Where was that tea?

Martin

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Hi Co Leaders!

Following the hugely successful visit last week to Bangalore, we now have a road map in place for right-shoring as many of our functionalities as practicable. The intention is to aggressively realign our resources by opening two offshore satellite centers each of which will help deliver our goal of insane profitability.

I have tasked Martin Lukes with feeding back more detail from the trip.

I love you all

Barry

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry

Can I just say what a highly inspirational memo that was! The tone was 140 percent spot-on! I believe there is now a window we can leverage to facilitate buy-in from those who have issues around right-shoring.

I plan to hold a creovative™ series of lunchtime masterclasses with videoconferencing links to other geographies so that all our co-colleagues can share the learnings.

My bestest, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Christo Weinberg

Hi Christo

I've got a great opportunity for you! Would you like to take my place at the annual Maverick Marketing conference in Milton Keynes and give a paper on Customer Relationship Marketing. I can e-mail you the presentation I gave last year. It was way ahead of the curve then, so if you tweak it a bit, it should still be pretty leading edge this year.

Cheers, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Hi!

There has been a phenomenal level of interest in the trip fronted by myself and Barry to Bangalore. To enable everyone to take ownership of the process I shall be holding a series of lunchtime masterclasses entitled Breakthrough Bangalore! to address all key issues in a compelling and thought-provoking way. The first one is scheduled for Wednesday. There will be a live link to other geographies, featuring a guest appearance from Barry. Book early to avoid disappointment!

My best, Martin Lukes

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Ameera Ali

Hi Ameera

We've never actually spoken, but I understand from Faith you're doing great things in HR! As you may know, I've just returned from a trip to Bangalore with our CEO. I wondered if you'd like to say a word or two at my masterclass. It'll be really informal—maybe you could share your personal experience of India—it'd be your chance for fame and stardom as the CEO himself will be joining in, hopefully!

Best, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Ameera Ali

I see. Of course I realize you are British, but I didn't know your family originally hailed from Pakistan. Still I hope you'll come along and enjoy a samosa!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

In haste—Corporal has got a plan … he could spend the whole night training with his Private on Tues ….

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—I'm going to be away from home for one night on Tuesday at the Milton Keynes conference. It'll be v boring but I'm obliged to show my face …

Love you M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—Have you seen my BlackBerry anywhere? I seem to have lost it … I am supposed to be going to McKinsey today for a mega session to kick around some ideas with their top guys on offshoring … I can't be out of touch for the whole afternoon.

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Hi Thelma—Have left some data on your desk. Can you turn some of the data into nice color slides for my masterclass—I want a few charts, broken up with a few pics of smiling Indian people?

Martin

PS Could you nip up to the vending machine and get me some curry flavored Doritos?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

moron

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Frankly, Thelma, you've lost me this time. Industrial tribunal? What are you talking about? If you feel that strongly about it, I'll get the crisps myself. Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

You sexy bitch. I want to fuck you right now!

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky, darling, you know I love it when you talk dirty like that … but what brought that on? … Actually not really feeling like it now as the corporal is a bit under the weather and I'm snowed under with this McKinsey outsourcing report. Tomorrow or day after?

Perky xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham—It's hormone city here. The women in this place are losing it. First Thelma flies off the handle about a bland memo I sent her. She's threatening me with legal action … and something's up with Keri. Does she seem normal to you today?

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Roger Wright

dickhead

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Roger Wright

Hi Roger. Sure, I'll come up now. What did you want to see me about? I hope it's not the India expenses? Barry has signed off on them, so they are all on HQ's budget.

From:
Martin Lukes