Zombie Lover (26 page)

Probably good advice. So she stifled her natural retort again, and tried to be polite. "I don't want to kiss you. I don't want to do anything with you except get where I'm going. So you can tell me what you want to, or let it be, as you prefer."

"There is something about that isle you really should know. But you ought to be a bit more friendly."

"Sorry. No touching."

"As you wish." His lone suggested that she was making a mistake, but she didn't trust his motive.

They continued moving. Breanna refused to let him know how he had piqued her curiosity. Was he faking it, or was there really something at the Isle of Women that would make her regret going

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there9 She was annoyed that he was still trying to pressure her for something he knew wasn't allowed At least he wasn't still trying to grab her

They passed a hat rack with several nice hats just ripening Intrigued, Breanna picked a nice black one with a white frill on the top resembling a cresting wave "A black wave hat," she said, putting it on It fit perfectly

Ralph didn't comment, but Justm did That does seem to match your nature It is becoming

"Becoming what7" she asked, alarmed

He laughed
   
Attractive It makes you look cute

"Cute I can live with "

Then Mare Imbn appeared
  
' 7 learned about Lija,'' she said

"Who?"

"Elijah The bov v*ho got Ralph's talent / can give \ou the whole stor\ in a daydream

"Great1 Let's have it "

The surroundings mostly disappeared, though she continued walking on automatic pilot, and Breanna's awareness devolved on drear Mundama There was a region shaped like a new jersey, and a town, and a house Inside the house was a family with a daddy, a mommy, an eight-year-old boy named Lijd, and his sister Rachel, who was there for him to quarrel with By day he had a smile nearly as bright as the sun, and things were great But everything changed at night

The moment bedtime arrived, Lija's smile vanished His head hurt His neck, shoulders, back, or knees ached His belly cramped, his chest felt heavy, and his breathing got wheezy All the misery he had avoided during the day closed in victoriously at night So of course he was unable to fall asleep without a heroic struggle by his parents

When morning came, Lija would be perfectly fine and ready for a full and active day But when bedtime returned, so did his problems Lija called his condition the Bedtime Booboos His parents had their own name for his condition, but they were very careful never to use it in Lija's presence

Daddy and Mommy tried to be supportive and understanding, but they soon reached the limits of their patience Sometimes they would not smile reassuringly when they placed a cool wet cloth on his head

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Sometimes they muttered under their breaths when they massaged his sore limbs and back Once they even grumpily ordered him back upstairs to get his own cool cloth and then put himself back to bed and go to sleep

Poor Lija1 Not only was he feeling terrible every night, he was also m trouble with his folks But there seemed to be nothing he could do about it The Booboos never let him go

One summer evening as Lija made his nightly announcement that he was once again suffering from Bedtime Booboos, Mommy, for no reason at all, got angry "I'm really tired of these Booboos1" she yelled "Every night, the same thing over and over again' Your head aches or your throat is sore or your stomach hurts or whatever you can think of to avoid going to sleep "

Now that was an unkind accusation "I don't do it on purpose," Lija protested in a sad, small voice "I really don't feel well I can't help it if I can't go to sleep "

"I don't understand your condition, Lija1" Mommy continued "It seems so convenient that the only thing it interferes with is bedtime You are fine all day long, and then at bedtime you are suddenly sick " It was almost as if she were suspicious ot something "It's like a magic transformation, one minute well and the next minute sick, and I think you—"

Mommy paused abruptly in the middle of her tantrum She sat down quietly on the bed next to him, looking very thoughtful They sat in silence while they pondered the situation

'Lija,"
 
Mommy whispered slowly
  
"I think you have a magic talent "

"I do'" he asked in wonder

"Unfortunately, I think your magic talent is the Bedtime Booboos "

"But this is Mundama1" he reminded her, as if anyone could ever forget the dreary reality even for an instant "There's no magic here " Which was ot course the problem

"There's a little bit ot magic," she reminded him back "Remember the beautiful rainbow, that stops you from ever catching up to it So you must have gotten some of the ugly magic "

It did make sense, but Lija was definitely not pleased "It's not fair1" he grumbled I'm the only kid outside of Xanth with a magic

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talent, and I get a stupid one1 Now I'm stuck with Bedtime Booboos forever unless I can get rid of this talent "

"I'm afraid so," Mommy agreed "Believe me, I am as annoyed as you are " She seemed really sincere

"What do people in Xanth do to free themselves of stupid talents9"

"They move to Mundama, and their magic disappears "

"Oh, great1 I already live in New Jersey' There is no place more mundane than here So what do I do—move to Xanth9"

"No1" Mommy cried in alarm "If your talent is this much trouble in mundane New Jersey, imagine how much stronger it would be in magical Xanth'"

The family tried to figure out how Lija had acquired his unwanted talent Lija supposed that it was the result of a mixed-up delivery by a really confused, overworked, and directionally impaired talent-distributing stork His sister Rachel defended the stork by claiming that the talent was correctly delivered, it was just that Lija was ac tually in the wrong place Daddy proposed that when the demons were disposing of unwanted talents, one of them escaped to Mundama where it hid in Lija Mommy suggested that perhaps a large giant walking close to the Xanth/Mundama border was struck by a sudden sneezing fit The poor man sneezed so hard that his talent flew out and went flying into Mundama, where it finally landed on Lija

Unfortunately, not one of them thought of toxic waste disposal Since no one could determine either how the talent had come, or how to make it go away, they resigned themselves to living with it as best they could
 
This was, after all, drear Mundama, where such things were commonplace

The daydream ended "But why is Ralph determined to get his talent back9" Breanna asked Imbn

"He doem t kno\\ its nature He thinks am talent is, better than none The Good Magician tried to warn him, but he \vouldn t listen

"I know " Breanna smiled privately "I think I won't tell him I'll bet it's ten times as bad in Xanth, because the magic is so much stronger''

"Yes He will have to sleep in da\time, as \ou do because he \\ill not be able to settle down a! all a! night "

"It couldn't happen to a more deserving lout "

"The Good Magician ha\ sent the Demoness Metna to see the Demon E(A/R)[i] Humfre\ kno\\s the Demon will gne an\ help

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needed to get rid of an\ v/ra\ magic, because he hates ha\ing his realm polluted M fantas\ He will arrange for the famil\ to \\infl\mg tickets to Florida so Lija can go to the ven spot that corresponds with Ralph's house m the North Village Then the Demon E(A/R)'IH will exorcise the talent, and it will be driven back to its natural home in Xanth In Ralph He will have his wish "

"Will he ever'" Breanna said zestfully

"And Lija will at last have peace "

"Yeah And Ralph will be really proud and happy Right up until bedtime "

"What's that9" Ralph asked.

She must have forgotten herself, and spoken aloud "Dream Mare Imbn just visited me She says the Good Magician is even now arranging for your talent to be returned to you, in all its awesome power''

"It's about time," he said smugly "I thought that old fraud could come through if given sufficient motive " He glanced at her "Are you sufficiently bored yet9 Are you getting motivated for something interesting1"

The jerk never gave up "I like being bored " She was speaking figuratively, of course

They kept walking, following the enchanted path, making good time Ralph did not try to grab her again, and she began to regret the way she had banged him Maybe she could have just told him NO clearly, and it would have been all right.

/ don t think so Justm said He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt

"How can you be sure9"

/ don t wish to appear condescending but I am a male and have had time to think I can appreciate your desirability as a woman and the ruthless nature of some men You are young and have a certain naivete about adult relations

"I do not'" Please I am trying to protect you from exploitation

"You're trying to invoke the Adult Conspiracy'" Perhaps it will be possible to make a demonstration
 
You allowed me to be present when you performed certain natural functions Would you wish to have him watch similarly?

' No1 What has that to do with the price of beans in Mundama r'

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"Beans?'

"Just an expression. Ralph isn't going to watch me pee, okay? He's not a tree."

He nodded, mentally. "Trees do collect urine Here is what I propose tell Ralph you need to take a comfort break, so need privacy for a time Then spy on him I think he does not appreciate the extent of your ability to see in the dark, so you will be able to hide from him "

"This is pointless!"

' If I am correct, he will try to sneak a peek at you Then you will know that you were not at fault when you struck him."

She considered. "Okay, I'll give it a try." Then she spoke aloud: "Ralph, I need a bit of privacy. Suppose 1 head off to behind that bush, and you wait here, okay?"

"Very well," he agreed, and found a rock to sit down on. He set his lantern on the ground beside it.

"See?" she said silently. "He's not going anywhere."

"Yet."

How could he be so sure? She walked to the bush, and around it. She set her black wave hat on the bush, marking her presence. She ducked down as if squatting, then ran quickly and silently behind the nearest tree. She peered past its trunk.

The first thing she saw was that Ralph was no longer sitting on the stone. He had left the light there as a seeming indication of his presence, but he was already circling around behind trees and bushes, hiding while closing in on her bush. As Justin had surmised, Ralph thought that the darkness covered him, not realizing that she could see as clearly as if it were daylight.

"He is finding a vantage where he can look behind your bush," Justin said. "So he can see you with your dress up "

"Sheesh, Justin, you were right! He's trying to sneak a peek at panties, and worse."

'Yes Such sights fascinate men '

"Even you, Justin?"