Authors: Megan McKenney
“I can’t believe he’s gone…” I whispered to only her.
She tucked a stray curl behind my ear. “I know… and I’m sorry. I was so mean –“
I held my hand up to her. “That was the past. It doesn’t matter. You’re here now and that’s all I could ever ask for.” I gave her one last hug before we emerged from the bathroom. She held my hand tight as we walked down the aisle.
The crowd hushed as we walked down together. Every set of eyes was on me, yet, I didn’t even feel awkward. I was used to this. Brad stood up from his pew, locking eyes with me. Obviously, he wanted me to sit next to him, but instead I gave him a quick hug before taking my seat at the front of the sanctuary next to my mom, Jack, and Indigo. Lacey slipped in next to Brad, the two of them embracing each other. It was obvious that Keiffer had impacted many people in more than one way with his presence.
The service lasted way too long. Several family members got up and spoke about how Keiffer changed their lives. Indigo gave a quick speech, ending it in a round of tears. I couldn’t cry anymore. No, I sat there like a stone wall. Much to my surprise, it was an unidentified guy who made his way up to the front that caught everyone’s attention.
He wore his blonde streaked hair in a messy sort of fashion. He wore jeans and a plaid blue and gray shirt to the funeral. In a way I was a bit irked by his appearance. How dare he show up looking casual for my husband’s funeral? Everyone else was wearing black, but he had to just stand out. I crossed my arms across my chest, glaring my eyes at him.
“What’s up?” The guy said into the microphone. “I’m Shane…Keiffer’s best friend from Florida.” He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. I glared at him, but curiosity hit me. Keiffer had never mentioned a Shane before. There were so many things about him that I just didn’t understand. Keiffer was quiet about his life, and there was just so much that I had missed out on.
“He was a jerk, wasn’t he?” Shane joked. Several people coughed nervously. “But he was so awesome. Our friendship was an accident. We rode the same bus together and we kind of stuck up for each other…I guess you can say we were both hot heads. He never backed down from a fight…” Shane looked down at his sneakers, obviously trying not to cry in front of the crowd.
“We talked about this, ya know? Our funerals and what we would do at each other’s if we ever had to experience it,” he laughed nervously before continuing. “I told him that I’d tell everyone anyone about his crazy expiates and all the drugs he ever consumed…sorry, Mrs. Lawrence.” Indigo just chuckled, obviously aware of her son’s darkened past.
“One night, when we were getting ready to drag race another car, Keiffer told me that if he died, I needed to tell his mom how much he loved her,” his voiced cracked slightly. “And he did, Mrs. Lawrence…he did love you a lot.” Now his attention focused on me. I slid nervously in my seat, unsure where he was going to go next.
“He called me before he committed suicide. It was the first time I had spoken to him since he moved to Michigan. He made me make a promise to him,” he said without taking his eyes off of me. “And I promised. I promised that Jenna wouldn’t ever be alone. That she had me now to lean on.” I looked around the sanctuary, unsure of what to say. Everyone was staring at me. I didn’t even know this kid! “He also once told me the day before he moved that he was going to commit suicide. And he did… and I didn’t stop him. So what does that mean for me?” Shane took a deep breath. Keiffer had told him also! We were both going through our own little torture together.
“And I just don’t understand why he did it! He had a great life. He had a great mom, a great house, a life that I could only dream of. He had it all. And sometimes I wonder if this hatred should be directed at myself rather than him.” He wiped the tears from under his eyes. He dropped the microphone down on the podium and walked off the small stage. A few seconds later, he reappeared with a surf board under his arm.
“This was Keiffer’s. He and I practically lived on the water. He said that surfing was his only way out. As many of you know, his dad also committed suicide…with the same gun. And honestly, he wasn’t the same guy after his dad died. But same guy or not, it was practically impossible not to love him,” he smiled at me through his tears. “I think it would only be appropriate if everyone would sign this for him. Please. Just show him how much you cared for him. How much you loved him, and still do. And I can tell you right now, I love him a whole damn lot…” Several audience members gasped at Shane’s explicate word but he didn’t seem to notice.
He exited the stage and I knew it was my turn to get up there. I stood to my feet, my legs shaking as I took each step at a time. The microphone felt like it weighed ten pounds in my hand. There was no way I could get out the words that I needed for this. No words described him. No words at all. Shane looked up at me from his seat and for some odd reason, I began to actually feel more comfortable.
“I don’t have much to say. Well, I do…but I don’t think I can get it out,” I let the first tear slip. “Love was an understatement when it came to Keiffer. No, love wasn’t even what I felt. If there’s a feeling greater and deeper than that, then that’s what I was feeling,” I whispered into the microphone. “He taught me so much about myself, and he showed me what life was about. It’s not about awards, diplomas, but it’s about relationships. I pushed people away because I was scared, but I was always drawn to him,” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything to say… But I don’t understand what I did to deserve this.” I dropped the microphone on the podium and stepped back down the stairs until I reached my seat.
No one said anything after that. It wasn’t like I was expecting them to. Instead, the pastor wrapped up the service and we all got together down in the lobby. Many, many people hugged me and said their apologies, but their words felt weightless. I hardly heard their bits of wisdom and advice, as my mind was preoccupied with other things. Before they all left, they’d sign their name on the surf board. Shane thanked each participant as they signed their name with a small message. Every once in a while our eyes would meet.
“You look lovely,” Indigo said, wrapping me into an intimate hug. “You’ve been very brave.”
“So have you,” I smiled weakly. “No, you’ve been really strong through this whole thing. For real. I couldn’t have asked for a better mom to help me through this.”
She rubbed her thumb across my cheek before placing a kiss on my forehead. “You were the best thing to have ever happened to him. Thank you for making my son’s life wonderful.”
Those words stung me deeply. Wonderful? If I made his life wonderful then he wouldn’t have committed suicide. He would have been happy with me…he wouldn’t have run to his gun like he had once planned. It was obvious that I had failed him. He needed something more out of me and I failed to give him that. I didn’t know what more I could do, but I’m sure I fell short somewhere in our relationship. I touched my stomach slightly, wondering if it was the baby that made this relationship fall apart. If that was the case, I should’ve just had the baby aborted like I was originally planning.
“Hey, Mrs. Lawrence,” Shane said as he approached me. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed his presence. He looked much taller once he was next to me. His hair was much shorter and darker than Keiffer’s but he had that same eager, laid back look as my husband’s.
“Jenna,” I corrected him. “I haven’t even been Mrs. Lawrence long enough to enjoy that title,” I said depressingly. Shane crossed his arms, watching my facial expressions carefully.
“I hated you. Like, truly hated you,” he admitted.
“What?” I gasped. Why the hell would he tell me something like that? I didn’t even know him so how could he hate me?
“He talked about you all morning the day he killed himself. I wanted to shoot him myself,” he joked dryly. “I hadn’t heard from him since the move. He wouldn’t answer my calls, texts, or emails… I just kind of gave up trying after a while. And then suddenly he called and I thought he actually wanted to continue our friendship. But then he started talking about you. Everything was Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. I could tell that my best friend had been changed. Which, I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. He and I were planning for me to come up there during the summer to visit, but I dreaded meeting you. Until the moment I saw you in there,” he pointed to the sanctuary. “The moment I saw you in person, I felt a sense of peace fall over me. And maybe it was him telling me to trust you, or maybe you just make me comfortable. But he was my best friend, and he chose you. There’s a reason.”
“Thanks,” I said nervously. “Listen, I’m no one special. Don’t fulfill your promise to Keiffer because I’m fine. Okay? I’m going to continue life the way that I’ve always done it.” I stood brave as a statue in front of Shane. “And you shouldn’t feel peace around me…he committed suicide because I wasn’t good enough.” I let my shoulders slump down and I looked up towards the ceiling. How was I going to get passed these tears?
“You’re perfect…” Shane said while reaching towards me.
“Stop!” I held my hands up like stop signs in front of me. He dropped his arms. “I couldn’t give him what he wanted… I’m worthless.” I looked him in the eyes one more time before busting through the church doors to the outside courtyard. I just needed to get out of there. I just needed to be alone. I could hear him calling for me, but I didn’t want to stop. Not yet at least.
In fact, I didn’t stop running until I was standing outside of my apartment. I breathed deeply, knowing perfectly well that I probably shouldn’t have run that hard while pregnant, but I didn’t care about it anymore. I only cared that my husband was dead. What was a dead baby, too?
Slipping back into my house, I slammed the door shut, drawing in the invisible spirits of Keiffer. Each breath I took in was a challenge. In one swift motion, I ripped down the pictures of him from the wall. They shattered into a million pieces when they fell to the floor, but it only encouraged me to break more memories of him. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me when I needed him the most? I was eighteen and a widow! How the hell was I going to live the rest of my life without him?
I don’t know how long I stayed in that house without human contact. I would’ve guessed five days, but I wasn’t sure. My phone battery finally died after two days, which meant I wouldn’t be getting millions of phone calls from people to say their apologies over the situation. Instead, I stayed in my pajamas, keeping myself satisfied with delivery foods, sappy movies on my phone, and crying myself asleep. A shower seemed like it was ancient history…it was something that I didn’t even think about.
On the fifth day, the doorbell rang…like it did every day. Usually it was my dad or mom stopping by, but I never had the stamina to get up and answer it. Instead, I stayed laying on the floor in Keiffer’s favorite t-shirt and my silk pajama shorts that I had worn the night we first got married. I curled up deeper into my movie, not wanting to move.
Suddenly, the door burst open, my dad emerged into the doorway. He had obviously found the spare key under the welcome mat where we had hidden it. He placed the key on the kitchen counter and took a look around my house. There were pizza boxes and Chinese take-out all over the house. He sighed, knowing that I was struggling.
Following him into the apartment was Indigo, who looked as me as though she were watching a dog being slaughtered. I unconsciously brushed my matted hair with my fingers, but it didn’t work. I still looked just as gross as I had before. She turned my movie off and sat down next to me on the floor.
“Honey, it’s been a week,” she said gently. She didn’t say anything more, but instead placed her hand on mine. I quickly retracted my hand, not sure how to act with human contact. She noted my shirt, smiling as she remembered the times that her son used to wear it.
“Principal Nelson called. He understands your need for time away. He’s going to disregard your absence for this week, but you need to go back to school.” Dad sat down on the other side of me. I couldn’t find my voice. I had been so numb this week that I hadn’t spoken a word since the funeral.
“Dude, the mailbox was over flowing,” Shane said as he stepped into the house. He came to a direct halt when he noticed the trash around the house. Soon his eyes met mine and he tried to give me a weary smile. “Hey, Jenna.”
I didn’t respond, but instead got up and walked to the bedroom. How dare they just come into my house as though they owned it? How dare they come in and ruin my memories of Keiffer. I wasn’t ready to go back to real life. I wanted to stay like this forever. I was doing just fine without any human contact.
It was Shane who knocked on my door first. He slipped into the room, not sure what to say. I stayed on the makeshift bed, laying comfortably on my stomach and looking at the wall. There was something about him that just soothed me. I actually felt a bit better when he was around. He cleared his throat, trying to find something to say.
“Let’s get out of here,” he suggested.