Authors: Megan McKenney
I shook my head, letting out a deep breath. “I don’t want to be around them,” I answered. “I don’t want them to tell me to move on. I want to grieve,” I said through clenched teeth. Sitting up, I stared him deep in the eyes. “I want to miss him! I want to cry my eyes out until I get sick!”
“Let’s do it together,” he held his hand out to me. I looked at it hesitantly as he stood in front of me. “Come’on. Get off the floor and we will grieve together. No one’s telling you to move on. No one’s telling you –“
“They are!” I pointed to the closed door. “They’re telling me!”
“I won’t!” He grasped my hand that was pointing to the door. “Let’s get out of here. You and me. Let’s go!” I took one deep look at him before getting to my feet. He left me in the room alone to get dressed and within just a few minutes later, we were out the door and in his car headed towards the ocean.
Neither of us spoke a single word as we drove in the car. He turned on the radio and we listened, bobbing our heads every once in a while with the beat. As we were sitting at a red light, I took a slight look around the car. On the dashboard was a CD that read 311. My heart jumped at the sight and I placed the CD in without even asking Shane first. He didn’t protest and he even turned the volume up louder as we drove along the coast. In fact, it was so loud that I felt like crying all over again. This time I didn’t hold the tears back.
I rolled my window down, placing my arms outside the window and resting my chin on them. The cool wind blew my bangs around as we drove. I felt free, and I couldn’t feel the sting of the tears much longer. Shane finally turned down the music and he tried to give me a smile.
“This was Keiffer’s favorite band,” he laughed sadly.
I nodded my head. “I know,” I sniffed. “I didn’t understand…until now.”
“He was the best person I knew,” Shane said, placing his hand on mine, and then taking it off quickly. “I didn’t understand him sometimes either. But he was so great…”
I didn’t answer, but instead our silence spoke more words than what we could have ever expressed. We both loved the same guy, but our love was obviously different. It was comfortable to be around another person who knew Keiffer just as well, or even better, than I ever did. I actually felt at ease. In a way, I felt like he was there with us.
We finally arrived at the beach and we both slipped our shoes off as we walked down to the shore. The water was cold, but neither one of us minded. The sun was just beginning to set, which made me miss Keiffer even more. I tried to push the sadness away. I needed to start being strong. Everything was going to remind me of him. There was no way I could ever move on, but I could be strong.
“Did Keiffer ever tell you that I found his dad with him?” Shane admitted as we stood looking at the sun set. He sat down on the sand, propping his knees up and leaning back on his arms. I followed suit, but sitting up so I could look at him better. I shook my head to tell him that Keiffer never told me that.
“Yeah, we had just got done surfing actually. We came in…there was blood…everywhere.” Shane looked as though he were in deep thought as he explained this to me. “Keiffer was a mess, ya know? He was so shaken up and it was me that called 9-1-1. He wasn’t the same after that.”
“How?” I asked quietly.
He took a deep breath, obviously struggling to talk about this. “He became super serious. More sarcastic, I guess. His carefree style turned into lazy…kind of? I can’t really explain it.”
“I think I know what you mean,” I finally answered. It was like the difference between his crazy smile and his genuine one. I always knew that he was truly happy when he smiled so I could see his dimples. He wasn’t extremely happy often, but it always made my heart flutter when he was.
“I would’ve switched places with him in a heartbeat,” he said quietly.
“I can’t help but blame myself for this,” I said through my tears. Shane shook his head but I continued. “He said that he loved me, but I couldn’t stop him! I couldn’t even stop him from committing suicide!”
“It’s not your fault,” Shane said reassuringly. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it was mine. He told me about his decision. He’d told me years ago, and I even knew that he had the gun!” He stood up from the sand, talking to me through clenched teeth. “But I didn’t tell anyone!”
“Who were you going to tell?” I asked with same angry tone. “I couldn’t satisfy him! I wasn’t even good enough for him to stay alive for!”
“He loved you enough to marry you!” He yelled back. “I encouraged him to pull the trigger! I told him that if he was truly that unhappy he should just do it! I thought he was bluffing, trying to get a rise out of me. He was always looking for a way to surprise people.”
“I told him that his music sucked! I didn’t know that that was one of the only ways that took his mind off the depression for just a little while!” I let the tears roll down my cheeks as I kept my eyes on Shane’s.
“One time when he still lived in Florida, I flushed his depression pills down the sink because they were giving him headaches!” He retaliated. This one made me jump a little, but I kept reminding myself that this was before I came into the picture.
“I was so mean to him! I made fun of his name, his mom…everything about him!” I almost screamed.
“I told him that I hated him before he moved, and our friendship was ruined after that,” Shane admitted, sinking back down into the sand. His shoulders shook but I couldn’t see his face to know if he was crying or not. Finally he spoke up again. “He died thinking that I hated him.”
“No, that’s not true,” I said, sitting down in the sand next to him. I placed my hand on his back.
“It is,” he sniffed. “He didn’t talk to me for months. Admit it, Jenna, he didn’t even mention me once,” he searched my face for an expression. It was true, I didn’t know anything about Shane. “He was my best friend and was moving up here. He was running from his problems. He was leaving me behind and I was upset.”
“I don’t think Keiffer thought that you hated him,” I tried to smile. “That’s not like him. He forgives everyone…”
He stretched, taking in a deep breath. “When I get back to Florida, I’m going to dump his surf board into the ocean. That’s where he was happy. I mean, besides being with you, of course.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I answered. “I thought it was, but I don’t think it’s true.”
“Who wouldn’t love you?” Shane asked, looking me in the eyes. I blushed and looked back at the setting sun. “Jenna, you need to start smiling again.”
“Not now,” I answered. “I can’t.
“But when you’re ready, I’ll be there.”
Chapter 21
Graduation came sooner than I was hoping…two days later. I stood in the front of the rose bushes in front of the house. Of course my mom was there to make a big fuss about the way that I was standing. Dad was getting irritable as we stood waiting for her to just take the picture. She couldn’t get the right angle, and her voice rang through the morning air as though it was a knife.
Indigo stood behind my mom with a cup of coffee. I had asked her to come to my graduation to support me. After all, she was still my mom through marriage. But I really knew that she wouldn’t miss the day even if her life depended on it. Shane stood next to her, smiling at me and talking casually as though Indigo was his mother.
Finally, mom got the perfect picture and we all switched spots again. Next was me with my mom and dad. My favorite one was with Indigo. She and I did a goofy one. It wasn’t as though I wanted to smile for the pictures, but I forced the smiles. Inside, I was still dying. It had only been two days since that evening with Shane, but I was beginning to feel a sense of peace about Keiffer’s passing.
Once we got to the school, I was ushered away as soon as Principal Nelson saw me. He sat me down in his office, where Brenda was already waiting. She gave me a sympathetic look and squeezed my hand as we sat next to each other. Just months prior we were arguing and even getting into fist fights. However, because of Keiffer, we sat united as friends. He had the capability to change lives.
“Principal Nelson,” I started. “I don’t understand what I’m doing in here. I should be lining up to sit down with my class…”
He shook his head. “No, you’ll be helping Brenda pass out the diplomas, remember?” He asked, looking for an expression. “You’re still one of our top students here.”
“How could I be?” I asked, shocked. “I had horrible grades this semester and skipped a lot…”
“But you also had a lot going on. Listen, I talked to your dad…” He also gave me a sympathetic smile. “You’re a good girl with a big heart. You deserve to be up on that stage.”
“And you deserve to give your graduation speech,” Brenda smiled, interrupting Principal Nelson. I looked over at her, an expression of shock filled my face. “You’ve had it written for years now. You gave it to me, and now I’m giving it back. Only you deserve this.”
“No, Brenda, I’m not ready…” I stuttered.
“You were born ready,” she squeezed my hand lightly. “Do this for yourself, no one else. Don’t try to please your dad or mom. Do this for Jenna Horowitz – Ice Cream Scooper.”
I let out an airy laugh. “That’s what Keiffer told me!” I felt the tears bubble up again. I reached for a tissue off of Principal Nelson’s desk and placed it under my eyes so the tears wouldn’t smudge my makeup.
“He was a smart guy, Keiffer. Well, maybe do it for him, too. Make him proud, Jenna.” She reached over and gave me a hug before cleaning off a mascara smudge from my cheek.
“I will,” I nodded. “I’ll make him proud.”
***
There wasn’t a single word or noise uttered from anyone as I stood on that stage in front of my graduating class. Everyone stared at me, wondering what was going to happen. It was true though, I had brought a lot of drama this semester. I had been their perfect role model all the way up until six months ago. I had completely changed and let them all down. But now I stood in front of them as a widowed and pregnant class valedictorian. The speech that I had once written for this day was no longer relevant. It was time I started speaking from the heart.
“Well, we made it!” I said into the microphone. I tried to make my voice sound fun, but instead it came out low and monotone. No one spoke a word. So far, so good…not. “We’ve grown up together since we were babies. We had all the same teachers, we had all the same friends. And now, as we look towards our future, we all have different ambitions. Your best friend sitting next to you today may not even be in your life this fall.” I looked down at Lacey who was holding hands with Brad. I gave her a grin and she returned it. So much had changed between us this semester.
“Where do you see yourself in five years? You can be anything you want to be. Anything at all. You want to be a doctor? Well, you better work hella hard because that’s a lot of schooling.” Now some people in the audience were finally loosening up and laughed at my joke. It was more of a nervous laugh, but at least it was noise.
“Graduating today gives us so many opportunities. Don’t try to take the easy way out because then you don’t get to experience all of life’s wonderful twists and turns.” My mind jumped to Keiffer. He had certainly taken the easy way out. He didn’t have to worry about anything anymore. He was dead. “I honestly don’t know where I’ll be in five years from now. In fact, most of you don’t know either. But I know that I’ll be happy. Someday, somehow, I’ll be happy.
“And today, before I get off this stage, I wanted to leave you with a quote. This was spoken by a man who was much wiser than his seventeen years…he answered the question about what his future would hold. He answered with only one word. Alive. He said that he just wanted to be alive. Maybe we should all live by that. Maybe mapping our lives out is ridiculous. Maybe sometimes life has bumps along the way, and that’s the beauty of it.
“So today, graduating class, let’s vow to live. Let’s just drop all of our worries, and live for today. Each day will bring you something new…and let’s embrace them before it’s too late.” I looked around the gym at the different faces that were looking up at me. Some people had tears on their cheeks. They obviously knew the quote was from Keiffer. “Thank you.” I stepped away from the podium and was greeted by Brenda who gave me a hug before I sat down next to her.
“That was great,” she smiled through her tears. “You’re great.”