Authors: Megan McKenney
I stood to my feet, listening to little snickers coming from behind me. That’s when the names started being called out to me. First it started with slut, then someone decided to throw a
whore
in there. Soon little names were being thrown out at a rapid pace that Mr. Thomas actually had to quiet them all down. I numbly handed Keiffer’s video and paper to him. He gave me a slight nod, and I knew he was completely on my side.
Staring out at the class was hard. Lacey had a demonic look upon her face. I knew I wasn’t welcome anymore in this classroom, but I needed to push on. Taking a deep breath, I started my presentation.
“What makes a perfect person? Is it charisma? Is it the way that they conduct themselves on a day to day basis? Or is it the way that a person takes life’s challenges and turns them in a life lesson? Keiffer Lee Lawrence, in my opinion, is a perfect person.” Several people snickered after my introduction.
“When he was younger, his father passed away. That ate him up inside, but he continued pushing through. Instead of letting life get to him, he decided to take on the challenge and focus his feelings onto something else –“
“Your vagina,” a guy called from his chair. My eyes flicked up at him, then back down to my paper. My heart was beating a mile a minute.
“Surfing,” I finished. “He really loves to surf. To him, surfing’s one of the best ways that he can express his feelings. On the water, he’s content, happy, and at home.” I finished the rest of my speech the best I could, only interrupted a few more times by rude people.
I sat down before anyone else could say anything. Mr. Thomas put in Keiffer’s video and I let out a slight laugh at seeing him show up on the screen. He was such a goofball for putting this together. However, seeing him made my heart slow down a bit. There was something about him that could make me feel better even if I was stressed.
“Um..Hey…this is Keiffer Lawrence. I’m writing my paper on Jenna Horowitz.” He cleared his throat. I could tell that the video was filmed in his room, which meant he had filmed it a while ago. I looked closer at the screen. His tan was dark at that moment in time and he was wearing his black surfing shirt. Suddenly, it hit me that he had recorded this video the same day that he was given the assignment on the first day of class. He didn’t even know me then, so why did he do the video then?
“I don’t even know where to begin with her. Let’s see…I guess I’ve known her for about six months by now, considering it’s now,” he counted the months on his fingers. “June. She’s amazing. I can’t describe to you how amazing she is. And she’s beautiful. My favorite thing about her though, is when she looks at me when she’s tired. She has that sleepy look in her eyes, but they’re full of wonder. She’s always thinking. And sometimes, sometimes I wish I could just hear what she’ thinking because she’s smart. So smart. In fact, probably the smartest person I’ve ever met.” He took a sip of water before propping his feet up on the desk next to him. This was so stereotypical of him. He was always so laid back.
“It hurts me because sometimes she cares more about what others think of her than what she thinks of herself. She’s always looking for praise, but honestly, no one can give her enough praise because she’s always craving more.
“We started out hating each other. Let me take that back. She hated me. But, as time went on, she grew to love me… I hope,” he laughed. “It wasn’t easy to get her attention. But I felt so connected to her the moment we first laid eyes on each other. She’s the light of my life. And she’s made my life perfect since I met her.”
He fumbled around with something on the desk. He was quiet for a good minute before looking back up at the camera. “I’ve told her things that even my mom couldn’t control. Life’s full of people who come and go throughout your life. My dad? He left before I could even say goodbye. But in a way, it was good. If I would’ve had the chance to say goodbye, then I would’ve been more scarred than I am today.”
Now he looked directly at the camera, a smile far from his face. “I love you, Jenna. I just need you to know that. My actions…they don’t tell you how I feel. I tell you how I feel. Please…please don’t think that I’m doing this because I’m unhappy with you. I’m not. I just want what’s best for you. I can’t be like him. I just can’t.” He picked up the gun from the desk and placed it to his head. I stood to my feet, my eyes glued on the TV.
“KEIFFER!” I screamed at the tv. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but I was so worked up that I wasn’t thinking straight.
“I’m assuming we’re still together. And if not, then well this video will be kind of awkward.” He let out a sigh. “I love you.”
Right at the end, he placed the gun up to his head and the video went blank. The whole class was silent, including Mr. Thomas. No one could move, but I could feel their eyes drift to me. Without hesitation, I flew out of the room, not daring to even look back. I needed to get to Keiffer and I needed to get to him now. My heart was racing harder than I had ever felt it before.
Shockingly, I didn’t even get pulled over on my way back to the house. I didn’t go to our apartment, instead I went over to Indigo’s. The street had been taped off, only allowing those who lived in the neighborhood to go in and out. I pulled up to the officer who was directing traffic. He motioned for me to roll down my window and began to ask me questions.
“You live down this road, Ms?”
“Mrs,” I corrected him. “I need…” before I could even get my words out, the tears started to roll down my cheeks. “I’m Mrs. Lawrence!” The officer made a couple calls on his intercom before directing me though. I parked in my driveway and then ran over to the house. Crime scene investigators were walking in and out of Keiffer and Indigo’s house.
A cop walked up to me, looking at me with concern written all over his face. “I want to see him,” I begged. “I want to see my husband.”
“He’s gone,” he said gently. I pushed his hand off my shoulder.
“Where is he?” I said a little more forcefully. “Where’s my husband?”
“Your husband is dead, Jenna,” the officer explained.
“No, not Keiffer!” I yelled at him. “He was good! He was happy! I made him happy! Why would he do this?” I backed up into Indigo’s arms. She wrapped me into a hug, letting me bury my head in her shoulder.
“He’s gone, sweetie,” she whispered. In a way, it made me more comfortable knowing that it was Indigo telling me that rather than the officer. I felt more at peace with Indigo talking to me. She was a part of Keiffer. She was his blood.
“I came as soon as I could,” my dad said as he ran towards us. He was still in his business suit and his tie hadn’t even been loosened. I allowed him to wrap me into a hug and the three of us stood outside of the house. We were as cold as statues, but we would never be moved.
“I need to get in there, daddy.” I stepped out of his hug and turned my attention back towards the house. It was like my eyes made the images that I was seeing into one big blur. I just wanted to see my husband. Instead, Indigo grabbed my hand, snapping me back into reality.
“It’s not your fault,” she said quietly so only I could hear. I turned to face her, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“What do you mean it’s not my fault?” I yelled at her. My tone took her by surprise but she didn’t back down. “I could have stopped this! He had been dropping me hints for months now!” I ripped my hand from hers. “I allowed this to happen!”
“Honey, you didn’t-“
“I allowed him to kill himself!” I clenched my teeth together, letting the pain numb me. With one last look, I ran back to my car and drove back to the apartment. How was I going to stand there at the scene and be surrounded by people who loved Keiffer? I allowed this to happen. I knew he was planning this, but I thought our newfound love would have changed his mind.
Chapter 20
The new apartment never felt so empty. I flipped the lights on, letting the dim light brighten the room. I listened closely. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I tried to imagine his music coming from the living room. Sighing, I remembered his favorite band that he made me listen to: 311. I never gave the band a chance…I never gave him a chance.
I slid my back down against the closed front door until I was seated on the ground. Hunching over, I sobbed until my chest hurt. I kept taking deep breaths, trying not to heave up my last meal. I had never cried so hard in my life. As I sat there, I replayed all the moments that I had with him. He was perfect. He was my second half… and now he was dead.
I didn’t know how long I sat there like that. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe a few hours, but before I knew it, I was in our walk-in closet, bringing his clothes up to my nose. The smell of him. Oh, the smell of him was intoxicating. Each breath I took in was a struggle, yet, I continued. I started to pull off all his clothes from their hangers and held them tightly. The closer I hugged them, the more I believed that he would come back. Letting out a wail, I dropped the clothes, feeling the realization that he would never be coming back.
Each minute ticked by so slowly that night. Dad had tried calling me several times, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. The doorbell rang and I knew it was Indigo. I knew she was suffering just as much as I was, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want have anyone try to make me feel better. I would
never
feel better.
I ran my fingers across his vacant pillow as I laid on the floor where we had made love last night. It was cold…just like him. The moonlight filled the room as I looked up at the lit ceiling. The room was still, the room was quiet. Never in a million years did I think that this was actually going to happen. I knew he was depressed, but he seemed to be getting better. He was so happy…
Life continued without him. I know it sounds bad, but the following Monday, I got up for school. The weekend had been full of funeral plans that I had helped out with Indigo. It was hard, and we both shared more tears than a person should ever have to, but we kept each other strong. School though…now that was a different story.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at my reflection. I couldn’t help but wonder if Keiffer would be proud of me or not. I tied my hair back, not even bothering to brush it. I buttoned up one of his shirts (even though it was much too big for me) and I brought the collar up to my nose, filling my senses with his scent. My eyes were puffy from crying all weekend, but I tried to hide it by applying extra concealer. Fail.
No one spoke to me when I arrived at the school. In fact, people adverted their eyes from me as they walked by. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, because I actually liked the privacy. For once. I kept walking, my eyes down at the ground until I reached my locker. That’s when the tears started happening again. I pulled out Keiffer’s books and held them tightly in my arms. I would have to deliver each one to their rightful teacher. How was I going to do this?
“I’m sorry,” Brad said from behind me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want him to see me crying like this. Instead, he placed his hand on my back. “I didn’t know…”
“How would you know?” I snapped, finally turning towards him. I had a look of anger all over my face, and my eyes showed hatred. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why couldn’t anyone just leave me alone?
“I…” He started.
“You what?” I snarled at him. “
You
did this to him!” Okay, so it wasn’t true, but that was the only thing I could manage to say. Hate was so built up towards the whole situation that I needed to take it out on someone. Brad stepped back from me, holding his hands up. “You were so mean to him!”
“He did this to himself –“
“Don’t you dare talk about Keiffer as though you knew him! Don’t you dare!” I was yelling now, aware that a small crowd was forming around us.
“Keiffer was a good guy…”
“OH!” I screamed. “You hated him! Since day one!”
“No –“
“YOU WANTED HIM DEAD!” I yelled before throwing a punch towards Brad’s face. He grabbed my fist before it reached him and pulled me into a hug. At first I fought it. I didn’t want to hug him! But feeling a warm body against mine made me remember how life really felt. Keiffer was dead. His heart had stopped and he would never be coming back. Pushing people out of my life wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
That night, as I sat in the back bathroom of the church, I couldn’t help trying to keep the tears settled down. I could hear the crowd forming out in the sanctuary, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go through with it. They were all there for Keiffer’s funeral. My husband’s funeral. How was I going to get through the night?
There was a knock on the door and I hesitantly opened it. Lacey stood outside, her face showing a weak smile. Without another word, I wrapped my arms around her. No matter how many fights we had had this past semester, she was still my best friend. We had grown apart in so many ways, but we were also sister’s in each other’s eyes. She held me, not uttering a single word until I spoke first.