Authors: Megan McKenney
From the porch, I could see Shane untying the boat from the dock. He had his shirt off and was just starting the engine. I heard Indigo’s words float through my mind,
Go to him
. I took off running towards the water, my heart racing faster than it had in a long while. I called his name, though I wasn’t sure if he could’ve even heard me. He was already at least one hundred feet from the shore.
I called his name again, this time he turned around. Our eyes met as I stood on the shore, letting the water lap against my legs. I ran through the water towards the boat, letting the water splash all over the place. With one swift moment, Shane jumped off the boat and started to swim towards me. We met half way, when the water was both to our navels. He wrapped his arms around me and we stood like that together.
I said the first thing that came to my mind. “Hi,” I whispered to him. Shane just smiled but didn’t respond. I didn’t need him to respond, I knew exactly what he was thinking. “I needed to come find you. I needed to get through this with you.”
“And I needed you too,” he responded. “Friends?” He asked, holding his hand out to me.
“Friends,” I smiled, shaking his hand in agreement. We both swam back to the boat and once he was up, he offered me his hand to help me up. It reminded me of the time that Keiffer offered his hand to help me up on the roof. I took Shane’s hand carefully and used his strength as support to lift me into the boat. I noticed the surfboard on the back bench. He was getting ready to dump the board off into the water.
He offered me a towel and wrapped his arm around me as he started the engine again. He sped off until we were far into the ocean. There were a few other boats around, but we were isolated enough that it didn’t matter. He stopped the boat when we were far enough away from the shore and grabbed the board off from the back of the seat. He turned towards me, not quite sure what to do next.
“Should we do this together?” He asked. I nodded my head and followed him to the end of the boat. I gripped the board, my hands shaking. This was Keiffer’s board. This was something that made him happy. I noticed that there were weights tied to it at the bottom, obviously to weigh it down. I suddenly felt as though my tears were about to overflow again, but I kept my feelings down. “On three, I guess?” He took a deep breath. “One…two…” We made eye contact for a fast second. “Three.” Together we placed the surfboard onto the water.
It floated for just a few minutes, before the weights took over and dragged it to the bottom of the ocean. We held onto each other tight as we watched the board float down far enough so we couldn’t see it anymore. I buried my face into his chest and he placed his chin against my head. Together we stayed like that, calming each other down and making this bearable for the both of us. This was the right thing to do, whether it made us both cry or not.
“He’s gone,” I finally responded, looking up at Shane.
He smiled, though I could tell his cheeks were wet. “Are you ready to start again?” He asked quietly.
I nodded my head slowly. Together, hand-in-hand as friends we drove back to the dock, ready to start over again. Though the memories of Keiffer would never change, the future was something that we could both look forward to. No one could take his place, but others would come and try to fill that void in my life. For now it was Shane, and I couldn’t have been happier. Because a wise man once said his goal was to be alive, rather than to make plans for his future. For plans change minute to minute, but being alive was always constant. Never throw your life away, but try to
just live
and enjoy the scenery.
Chapter 23
Holding a newborn baby in your arms is probably the scariest, yet, most joyful moment a new mother can experience. Everything is perfect about a new baby. Their smell. Their innocence. And especially the fact that you get the chance to pick out the things that look most like you, or most like your partner. For me, it was a bittersweet moment. The small baby in my arms was Keiffer’s.
Keiffer died seven months ago. Seven long, long, terrible months ago. There wasn’t a day that had passed that I didn’t miss him. He was still a big part of my life and all my memories. And now, because of our baby, I would have a lifetime to be haunted by his wonderful memories. I could still smell his cologne. I could still taste his lips upon mine. And I could still see that goofy smile that he always kept on his face. And sometimes, when it was really quiet, I swore that I could hear him calling my name.
Shane poked his head into the hospital room. I was laying in the hospital bed, holding the new baby in my arms. I smiled at Shane before looking back down at the infant. It was so hard to tear my eyes away from the small child, but I always made an exception for Shane. He and I had been getting to know each other since I moved down to Florida. We were taking it slow of course, but I knew I couldn’t live alone for the rest of my life. I couldn’t be unhappy. Keiffer left me to fend for myself, and I had to keep reminding myself that every day.
“How are you doing?” He asked, handing me a cup of coffee. I blew on in before taking a sip. He had been a trooper during the delivery yesterday. He had held my hand the entire time and even gave me space when I held the baby for the first time. Shane knew it was going to be painful to see a resemblance from someone I still loved with all my heart.
“I’m doing fine,” I smiled over at him. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. “And so is she,” I glanced down at the baby in my arms. Shane let her grip his finger as she slept. We both giggled slightly. “Ya know, Keiffer had predicted we were going to have a girl.”
“How did he know?” Shane asked, brushing my bangs from my forehead.
“He said it was because he had a father’s instinct,” I laughed. The memories brought back some sad emotions, but I had gotten past the tears. Yes, they were still there and I could probably cry on a moment’s notice. However, Shane was slowly letting me see that life still goes on. People come and people go, but love is the unchanging factor of this world. No, I wasn’t in love with Shane (well, not as much as I was with Keiffer) but I was comfortable around him. There was a comfort that I was only able to achieve with my ex-husband…and that was a start wasn’t it?
“Do you think I’ll ever have a father’s instinct?” He asked. I knew he felt kind of bad that he wasn’t the father of my child. He had been showing some jealousy for the last three weeks before the baby was born, yet, I knew he was going to welcome her as his own.
“I think you will. She can have more than one dad,” I placed my hand on his. “And you’ll make a great daddy.”
“You think?” He asked. I nodded my head.
Just then there was a knock on the door, followed by Indigo slipping into the room. She looked around, making sure that we were all awake. “Hey, sweetie. There are a couple friends here who want to see you.” She opened the door wider so they could come in. My jaw nearly dropped to the ground when I saw them.
Brad and Lacey stood together just a couple feet inside my room. I could tell they felt nervous, but I was more than thrilled to have them there. I hadn’t seen them since I moved to Florida seven months ago, and now they were here in the flesh. They actually flew down just to see the new baby and me!
“You guys!” I said excitedly as I struggled to get up. Brad motioned for me to lay back down and he came around and gave me a hug. Lacey was next and we stayed embraced for much longer. She had been my best friend for years, yet, now we never even spoke. Life changes so rapidly. “I can’t believe you’re here!”
“We wouldn’t have missed seeing you and your baby for the world,” Lacey smiled. She reached down and brushed her fingertips over my baby’s cheek. “She has your lips.”
“And your hair color,” Brad pointed out. He always loved my brown hair. I smiled at him, almost missing the way that he used to love me. But that feeling left almost as fast as it had come. Brad was a great guy, and a great boyfriend, but I just couldn’t return the feelings.
“But she has Keiffer’s ringlets,” I laughed lightly. “Have you guys met Shane?” I asked. Shane shook both of their hands and then got into a conversation with Brad. Lacey sat down on the bed with me before I allowed her to hold my daughter.
“She has his eyes, you know?” Lacey said quietly as she rocked the baby in her arms. I smiled at the thought of my daughter having Keiffer’s beautiful blue eyes and ringlets. She was absolutely gorgeous.
“I wish she looked just like him. I wish there wasn’t even a single piece of me in her. Keiffer was perfection,” I whispered to her. I didn’t want Shane to hear me speak like that. He was patient, but I knew it still kind of hurt him when I spoke so highly of his best friend. I needed to get over it, but my heart still yearned for him.
“You’re perfect too, Jenna.” Lacey looked up at me. “Keiffer saw it the first time he ever laid eyes on you.” The way she said it brought chills to my spine. “And I still see it.”
“Thanks, Lacey.”
“For real. There’s something about you that just makes you special. You see the good in people when no one else does. If I would have, then I would’ve known what was so great about Keiffer before he passed away. And now, I will never know the whole extent to who he really was…to you, or as a person.”
“He was a great guy,” I said quietly.
“And Shane seems pretty great, too,” she quickly observed. A huge grin grew upon my face as I looked up at Shane talking to Brad. He was so easygoing and relaxed all the time. Shane knew about Brad being my ex-boyfriend, yet, he was still willing to get buddy-buddy with him and not get jealous. That really showed how great his character was.
“He’s pretty great,” I responded.
There was another knock on the closed door, and my parents both entered the room, Indigo hot on their tails. They were all drinking coffee and came to a direct halt when they saw Brad and Lacey in my room. No one quite knew what to say, but after a few seconds they all began hugging each other. It was great to be in a room with so many people that I had known my entire life. Everyone was so comfortable, even if there were some underlying hardships in the past.
“So,” Indigo started as she came over to where I was laying. Lacey allowed Indigo to hold the squirming baby, replacing her free hand with mine. We held onto each other, knowing that this would probably the last time we would ever see each other again. “So, do you have a name picked out for your daughter?”
“Of course she does!” My mom started. “She’ll name her something classic. Like Mary, or Samantha. This little girl may just become the lawyer I’ve been waiting for.” There was an uncomfortable silence in the room.
“I think she should name her daughter whatever she feels is best,” Shane suggested. We locked eyes for a moment, and for the first time, I almost let the tears actually splash down my face. Indigo placed my daughter back into my arms while everyone stared down at me waiting to hear the name that I’d picked out.
“One of my first memories of Keiffer was when I heard his name get spoken out loud. I thought it was the most ridiculous name I’d ever heard. But the more I heard it, and spoke it, the more I fell in love with him.
“He told me one night that he wanted to change his name, like how his mom did. But he had changed his mind. When I asked him why, he said it was because the moment he heard me say his name, he realized it was beautiful. And it was.
“And so now that I have a chance to name my own child, I would like honor him by naming her something beautiful. Yet, I want to name her something that reminds me of him every day. Her name will be Kapri. Kapri Olive Lawrence.”
“Why Olive?” My mom said rudely.
I smiled at her, trying not to get annoyed by her tone. “Because he wanted to change his name to Oliver before he met me. So I’ll honor him by naming our daughter Olive. He’ll get his name.”
“Well, what a strange name…for my first grandchild. I wish you would have named her-“
“I think it’s beautiful,” Brad spoke up, cutting my mom’s ranting off. He walked over and placed a kiss upon Kapri’s forehead. “We all love you already, Kapri. You’re beautiful.” He turned his attention to me now, our faces on a few inches apart. “And you’re still as beautiful as always.”
“Thanks, Brad,” I blushed. He was still able to make my heart beat just a little bit faster, even though we were now just friends. I reached my hand out for Shane and he took it instantly. Lacey locked her arm around Brad’s delicately and we formed a tight circle, all of us peering down at my child.
“She really does look like you,” Lacey pointed out. “It’s almost scary.”
I nodded my head, trying to push out a smile. “But Keiffer’s in there too…” Everyone grew quiet when I said his name. Mom, dad, and Indigo all made their way in, everyone surrounding us as though Kapri and I were a celebrity. I was used to it. Don’t forget, I was the famous Jenna Horowitz – Class President, Year Book Editor, Cheer Captain, Best Friend, Daughter, Wife, Mother, and now Girlfriend (maybe). And maybe, deep down inside of me there was another label too. Jenna Horowitz: Ice Cream Scooper.
“She’s perfect,” I whispered in my baby’s ear before placing a kiss on her cheek. And as I did that, the smallest of all tears leaked out and landed on her delicate ringlet. Keiffer’s ringlet. Keiffer’s legacy.