Authors: Megan McKenney
Next was the calling of the names. Brenda and I stood next to each other as we took turns handing the diplomas to the 500 students who were graduating. We shook their hands and each one of them had a hard time looking me in the eyes. They were all feeling the same thing about me. I used to be the hottest girl in school. Every guy wanted me, and every girl wanted to be me. But now, after my little stunts that I had pulled this past semester, people weren’t sure how to treat me. In a way I felt sick to my stomach about their reactions.
It wasn’t until Brad got on the stage did I begin to feel myself tremble. I handed him his diploma and he paused in front of me, our eyes meeting for a while. He leaned in and gave me a hug. It had been about two weeks since I felt his embrace. He smelled exactly how I had remembered. This was the guy that I had spent most of my waking time with for four years. He was the guy that I was sure I was going to marry.
I slipped the promise ring that he had given me for my eighteenth birthday out of my pocket, and placed it delicately in the palm of his hand. He took it reluctantly, slowly enclosing it in his hand. He nodded twice to me, and he started walking towards Principal Nelson at the center of the stage. I realized then that was probably the last time I would ever see him. He had once been one of my best friends, but now he was just a mere memory.
Next was Lacey. She gave me a hug also, and I wiped a tear off of her cheek. She let out a laugh and gave me one more hug before shaking hands with the principal. Brad waited for her down in the crowd and together they walked hand-in-hand back to their seats. A pang of jealousy ran through me. That was my boyfriend. Brad only belonged to me! But my heart had been with Keiffer so I gave that up. Taking a deep breath, I continued shaking the hands of the graduates.
At the very end of the names, Brenda and I had the chance to walk across the stage and get our own diplomas. Brenda went first, and then I followed. I shook hands with the principal and was given my diploma. I stood in front of the crowd, scoping out my family and Indigo and Shane. Shane was on his feet and whistling loud enough for the whole state of Michigan to hear. I laughed, but suddenly became serious again as I stepped down to sit with the rest of the graduating class. How was I surrounded by so many people, yet felt so alone?
“And now, we honor a man who was much too young to pass away. He had only been a student at this school for a few short months, but he touched many lives here,” Principal Nelson looked down at me and I quickly adverted my eyes. I didn’t know he was going to do this. “Keiffer Lee Lawrence was a great young man, and he deserves to have this as much as anyone else here. In his honor, we have his mother, Indigo Lawrence, here to accept this.” Sure enough, Indigo made her way down from the bleachers and walked across the stage. Shane was clutching her arms to keep her steady. I could tell that she was suffering.
She shook the principal’s hand and stood before the crowd. No one said anything, but instead waited for her to give a speech. Without thinking, I ran up on the stage and threw my arms around her. She hugged me back, letting me cry on her shoulders. She did the same on mine. Shane squeezed into the hug and we all became a wall from the rest of the students. No one could break us. We were much too strong. Together we would prevail.
***
“Congratulations again,” Shane smiled as we walked ahead from the rest of the crowd. We had just finished with a celebratory party. We had gone out for dinner, which was something that we all needed to do. My mom and Indigo seemed to finally bond after all this time, which made me feel a bit better. I hated how they had disliked each other.
“Thanks,” I responded to him. We had all decided to walk down the boardwalk to get some ice cream, but they were so dang slow so Shane and I told them that we’d just meet them there. “I was a bit nervous about the speech and all, but I think I carried it well.”
“You were really great,” he admitted. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to hold up, but you spoke really well.” He nudged me playfully with his shoulder.
“Thanks,” I answered. I smiled up at him before tucking my hair nervously behind my ears. He made me feel so relaxed, something that no one could do besides Keiffer. There was something about Shane that told me that it was okay to be myself.
We finally arrived at the ice cream shop and was relieved to not see Brad working. I didn’t expect him to be. He had probably gone out to dinner with his and Lacey’s family also. We both got our ice cream cones and sat out by the water. The boardwalk was busy with tourists, but it was still relaxing. We ate our treats quickly so they wouldn’t melt all over our hands.
“So I’m going back home tomorrow morning,” he said nonchalantly.
“What?” I said quickly, studying him with curious eyes. “You just got here!”
“I’ve been here for almost two weeks,” he laughed before starting in on his ice cream again. “Besides, I just came up to be here for Keiffer’s funeral. I stuck around a few days to help Indigo with anything around the house. She was practically my second mom growing up. I owe her my life.”
“She’s a great lady, isn’t she?” I said. “I’m so glad she’s my mom.”
“Yeah, you really lucked out. Listen, you can come back to Florida with me,” he suggested. “I could teach you to surf and we could get our own little place…”
I felt my heart start to pump wildly. “No,” I responded quickly. “I mean, I can’t.”
“Why?” He asked, obviously unaware at how inappropriate his comments were to me. Didn’t he realize that my husband just died? His best friend? How could I just forget about Keiffer and move on with his best friend? I felt my temperature start to rise and I almost wanted to slap him across the face. I had begun to feel close to Shane, but then he ruined it by suggesting something so off the wall!
“Because, Shane! My husband just died! I’m not interested in you!” My words were sharp, but they were straight to the point. I got up from the bench and threw the rest of my ice cream cone in the trash. Shane got up and followed me to the other side of the sidewalk.
“I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just figured that you were alone, and I was alone –“
“So we’ll be alone
separately
!” I spat. “You’re a nice guy, and I actually feel like myself when around you, but I’m not going to leave my life for someone I barely know.”
“You barely knew Keiffer,” Shane pointed out.
“But you’re not Keiffer!” I couldn’t believe that this topic had even come up. This was so absurd. When my parents and Indigo finally arrived, no one realized what had happened, but Indigo was able to read my expression enough to know something had gone on between Shane and me.
While the rest of them were in the shop, Indigo sat down next to me on the bench that over looked the water. She wrapped her arm around me as we looked at the waves.
“What happened between you and Shane just now?” She asked. It wasn’t like she was trying to get gossip, but that she actually cared enough about me to want to know.
“Shane asked me to move to Florida with him,” I said through clenched teeth.
“And what’s the problem?” She asked, obviously unaware how annoyed I was.
“You can’t be serious?” I scooted out of her embrace. “My husband just died and he wants me to move down there with him!” I waited for her to change her easy-going expression. She didn’t. “Indigo, I loved Keiffer! It’s only been almost two weeks since he died! I’m not going to drop my whole life to follow some guy I barely know!”
“Shane’s not just some guy,” she reassured me. “He’s Keiffer’s best friend –“
“Was!” I practically yelled. “He
was
Keiffer’s best friend! Keiffer’s dead!”
“Yes, he is. But Shane’s not. Maybe it will do you good to get away. Just start over, Jenna. The memories of him will only haunt you.” She tried to put her hand on mine but I jerked it away.
“I can’t believe you’re on his side!” I stood up from the bench, anger filling me.
“I’m not on anyone’s side, Jen. Shane’s been like a son to me. I wouldn’t encourage you if I didn’t think it was the right thing to do!” She stood up also and looked me deep in the eyes. “Be true to yourself, sweetie. Would you be happy here if you stayed?”
Before I had the chance to answer, my mom and dad exited the shop and came to stand by Indigo and me. We dropped our little argument and we all sat down in the grass under the shade. Shane made sure to sit opposite from me, obviously hurt that I wasn’t willing to take him up on his offer to have me move down there with him.
“Your mother and I –“ Dad started.
“Really?” Mom spat. “Let me tell my daughter the good news! Your father and I have something for you, Jen.” She handed me an envelope with the Yale stamp printed on it. I held my breath, not wanting to open it. I had already made my decision not to go when I realized that I was pregnant, but now I realized that college was my only way out.
“We already opened it,” she said excitedly. “Guess who starts college this Fall?” She exclaimed.
“No way?” I burst. I couldn’t believe that I had actually been accepted.
“Yes way!” She gave me a tight squeeze. Shane excused himself from the group and I watched him walk down the boardwalk until he was out of view. I knew he was feeling upset, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“This is unreal!” I said excitedly once I turned my attention from Shane to my family again. My mom was watching my every move, obviously excited for me. Indigo had a smile painted across her face, though it looked kind of forced. She finally got up and excused herself from the group and muttered something about Shane.
“We know that college will be hard being pregnant and everything,” dad started. Much to my surprise, mom didn’t try to cut him off. “But we’ve already found the perfect nanny for you when the baby comes. You’ll have the kid and then go straight back to college. The nanny will do everything for you. In fact, you don’t even have to come home on the weekends if you don’t want to.”
“Won’t that be wonderful, Jenna? My little girl’s going to be a lawyer!” Mom exclaimed, looking as though she were in heaven. I smiled too, but my mind kept refocusing on the nanny. I wanted to be a mother. This baby was Keiffer’s. I didn’t want to just throw it away as though it wasn’t a big part of me. This baby was the reason why Keiffer and I got married. We were in love, and the baby made our relationship even more cemented.
“Yeah…it’ll be great,” I responded halfheartedly.
Soon Shane and Indigo showed back up, both of them looking a bit pained. I pushed the thought out of my head and continued trying to act as though I were excited for college in the fall. But I couldn’t seem to shake the idea of the nanny. That was my parent’s plan, not mine. Yet, I didn’t want to let them down.
Chapter 22
Once we got back home, Indigo and Shane said their goodbyes as we stood in our driveway. Indigo gave me a hug, whispering how proud she was of me for graduating today. She grabbed my hands after we stepped out of the embrace and she touched my cheek lightly with her thumb.
“You were really brave today,” she smiled at me. “Keiffer would’ve been proud of you.”
“That’s all the matters,” I answered quietly. “I knew he was there watching over me today. He made me brave. He’ll always make me brave.” I gave her a hug again before Shane walked up to me next. Indigo gave me one last smile before saying her goodbyes to my parents.
“Hey,” Shane said as he stepped towards me. “Congratulations again today…for both things. You’ll do great at Yale.”
“Thanks,” I nodded. He leaned in to give me a hug and I rested my head on his shoulder. It felt comfortable, but it wasn’t Keiffer. No one would be able to replace my love. “I hadn’t planned on going…”
“Well, now you are and that’s all that matters. You’ll make a great lawyer.” He let me out of the hug and placed his hands in his pocket.
“What about you?” I asked. His eyes shifted around the ground and finally made their way back to me. He didn’t really answer me at first. It was kind of what Keiffer did when I asked him where he was going to be in the fall. Those two were alike in so many ways.
“I just want to see where each day takes me,” he took a deep breath. “I guess for now I’ll be going back to Florida to put my best friend to rest.” He nodded towards the house with his jaw. “I need to set Keiffer free in the ocean.” I knew he was talking about the surfboard and I tried to control my tears. I was getting better at that.
“I bet you were the perfect best friend,” I tried to smile.
He let out an airy laugh. “Guess it depends on who you talk to. Obviously, I sucked at being a friend to him.” I tried to rebuttal it, but he just put his hand up to stop me. “I guess we’ll both be blaming ourselves for his death. We’ll be thousands miles apart and suffering the same way for the rest of our lives. No matter what anyone will say, we’ll always blame ourselves.” He playfully punched me in the arm. “See you around, Jenna.” And with that, he turned around and followed Indigo back to the house. Before stepping through the front door, he turned to look at me, giving me one last smile before entering the house.