All New Letters From a Nut (2 page)

Bar Harbor Inn
OCEANFRONT RESORT & SPA
NEWPORT DRIVE, BAR HARBOR, MAINE 04609
207–288–3351       800–248–3351
www.barharborinn.com

Dear Mr Nancy

Im sorry to tell you we did not have any rubber zorilla feet turned in. Hope you found them.

Hsk dept                               
Elna Strout

Full text of the above letter to follow.

TED L. NANCY
560 N. Moorpark Rd. #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Business Information
RED BLUFF CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
100 Main St.
Red Bluff, CA 96080

Dear Red Bluff Chamber Of Commerce:

I had written to you before and am still awaiting my answer. Can you help me? Thank you. I have an act where I glue myself to your bus bench. This is for your townspeople that have accumulated 100 or more points in your semi calendar year. (will take chits).

Please assemble all your finest townspeople to a bus bench and I will already be there glued to the bench for 52 straight hours. They can look at me. DO NOT SNIFF THE AIR! I don’t worry about bathroom breaks. (need wooden type benches with slats in it) Please only so much glue. My mind wanders after 3 tubes. Treat me with respect as i am doing this for you!

This is no cheap glue stunt. This is no bummy gluing of myself to your bus bench. I am the class of the gluing yourself to bus bench acts. I am Gluey Vuitton. LARRY! (sorry I had a relapse from a generic drug) Please have your entire town meet me in the park. And no crunchy potato chip eating?

i need glue company and bus bench information. A list of all your glue factories. And all bus benches. I will be arriving by sleeping net.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Ted L. Nancy
560 Moorpark Road #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Ted:

   This is the first time we have heard from you! I am sorry, but we do not have bus benches (we are not big enough for mass transit).… nor do we have any glue manufacturers. We are enclosing some information about our area. Let us know if there is anything else we can help with!

Sincerely,

John Yingling, EVP
Red Bluff-Tehama County
Chamber of Commerce
JY/mt

Agriculture • Commerce • Industry • Recreation
Since 1876

Full text of the above letter to follow.

TED L. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201 USA

Reservations
Amstel Hotel
Professor Tulpplein 1
1018 GX Amsterdam
The Netherlands

Mar 31, 2009

Dear Amstel Hotel:

Can you direct me to the proper office for assistance? I am staging my play in Amsterdam and need to know what health permits I need to stay at your hotel for 12 nights, May 16–27, 2009.

My play is called HAMSTERDAM. It involves a telling of your beautiful city, a complete history, using hamsters. There are over 300 hamsters I use in the performance. All hamsters have been inoculated for any hamster diseases. I keep them contained in special “hamster bins” which have been cleared by local U.S. health peoples. I believe his name is Andy. (Have paperwork) HAMSTERDAM is a tour of Amsterdam showing the beginning of your city, which settled as a small fishing village in 1275. I use real water but a fake fish. I cover the Dutch Golden Age using real hamster food which is a mixture of crickets, pumpkin seeds, & dry toast. In the performance I touch on the oldest building in Amsterdam het Houten Huys. I will NOT mention your Red Light District as my show is for seniors and frankly they are not interested any more. However I do make one reference to “Miss Lillian”, a female hamster I have that is promiscuous. (but this is tasteful) This is also cleared with Andy on all inoculations.

What permits do I need to bring 300 loose hamsters into your hotel and have them live in the room with me. This is for 12 nights. No animals will be hurt. I gave a Civil War reenactment with Geese over 1200 times with no injury to the Geese. Although an electrician was shocked and limp on a power line (but was revived and driven home by his wife) I am hoping to interest Tarmo Mitt, the worlds strongest man in this. Will let you know. Thank you for your help. Your hotel is wonderful.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Dear Ted,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Unfortunatly the hamsters are not aloud in our InterContinetal Amstel hotel. The Intercontinental Amstel Hotel can not accomodate 300 hamsters in a room.

Please be assured that we hope that you’re show will be a great event, but we can not reserve a room for the hamsters.

Please do not hesitate to contact us, if we can be of any further assistance.

With kind regards,

Oscar Vermeij
Reservations Trainee

on behalf of

Lotte Maas
Reservations Supervisor
INTERCONTINENTAL AMSTEL AMSTERDAM

Professor Tulpplein 1
1018 GX Amsterdam
The Netherlands
Phone: +31 (0)20 520 3176
Office fax: +31 (0)20 520 3181