All New Letters From a Nut (27 page)

F.D. NANCY (MR)
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Information
Oakland Chamber of Commerce.
475 14th St #100
Oakland, CA 94612

Apr 25, 2009

Dear Oakland Chamber Of Commerce,

I will be registering for the TINY MEN CONVENTION in your city of June 1–9.

I hope I have reached the correct place. Can you please give me a list of hotels that I can contact.

Hotels that cater to tiny men. We are not little people or dwarfs or midgets. we are Tiny Men. That is fully proportioned men that are 5 feet or less and no more then 100 pounds. (in wet clothing; strict on this) I am a police officer in Ceylon so I have a normal job even though I am a tiny man.

Also, I would like to purchase tickets to the performance of: TINY BENNETT. This is a tiny man that sings Tony Bennett. He is a petitio man (4′2″) that looks EXACTLY like Tony Bennett and sings pretty good like Tony. Tiny men from all over the world will converge on your city. It will be exciting.

Please write me with hotel information so I can confirm my travel.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Please view attaching for our active listing hotels.

I could not find anything on Tiny Bennett, but I did attach a schedule for Tony.

475 14th Street, Oakland, CA 94612 1903
TEL: (510) 874–4300 FAX: (510) 839–8817
www.oaklandchamber.com

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F.D. NANCY (MR)
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Information
Oakland Chamber of Commerce.
475 14th St #100
Oakland, CA 94612

May 27, 2009

Dear Oakland Chamber Of Commerce.

Thank you so much for writing back and looking up Tiny Bennett for me on Google. Hmm? I was sure he was performing at the TINY MAN CONVENTION which will now take place on July 15–24 2009 instead of June 1–9 which i was misinformed. In Oakland.

I am now told the singer will be SMALL MCCARTNEY which is a tiny man singing Beatle songs. I would like to purchase tickets to his performance. He is a petitio man (4′1″) that looks EXACTLY like Paul McCartney. Tiny men from all over the world will converge on your city. It will be exciting. We have experienced BEATLE–MINIA before. (People have passed out)

Can you tell me where Small McCartney will be performing? And can you also send me info on car rental places?

The Oakland Chamber of Commerce truly cares. In this day and age when no one cares. You care. It will be noted and shown to the Winnebago Log Homes peoples.

Please write me with rental car information so I can confirm my travel.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

May 28, 2009

F.D. Nancy,

I can not find any information on the SMALL MCCARTNEY show. I’ve attached our Oakland Convention & Visitors Bureau and Oakland Coliseum’s calendar, I hope the event you are interested is listed, if not, this is the best I can do. I’ve also attached a list of our members who may help you to rent a car while you are visiting. Please let us know if you have any questions.

Have a good day!

Oakland Metropolitan Chamber of Commerce

475 14th Street, Oakland, CA 94612–1903 • Telephone 510/874–4800 • Fax: 510/839–8817 •
www.oaklandchamber.com

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F.D. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Information
Jerusalem Chamber Of Commerce
10 Hillel Street,
P.O. Box 2083,
Jerusalem 91020, Israel

Apr 26, 2009

Dear Jerusalem Chamber of Commerce

I am seeking assistance. I am told that the TINY MAN CONVENTION is to be held in Jerusalem June 1–9 2009. It may be held outside the United States due to international interest in this event. There will be 12,000 tiny men descending on your city. Tiny men from all over the world (and one from Space) will converge on Israel, eat your food, use your restrooms, date your women. We are not dwarfs, or Midgets, or Fun Size People. We are Tiny Men.

What courtesies can i expect? What is the limit of Tiny Men in your hotel rooms at any one time. We will hold a mixer in my room. May have 54 miniature men in room lying on bed, sitting on chairs, using up towels in bathroom. OK? Can you suggest a hotel for me? Must be an approved TINY MAN HOTEL? certificate MUST be displayed in lobby. Call me Ted L. Nancy when I first arrive and am greeted at airport. I need that. I am a dentist in Ceylon. I specialize in getting shredded beef out of teeth.

Your Chamber Of Commerce is highly praised and most well received by those in the Chamber of Commerce business.

Thank you for your assistance. I await my reply on:

Tiny Man Convention June 1–9 2009

Tiny Man Hotel (approved)

Respectfully,