All New Letters From a Nut (30 page)

If you have any further questions, please contact me.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Mr. Dave Craig.
SWENSONS ICE CREAM
210 Shields Court
Markham, Ontario
Canada L3R 8V2

August 10, 2009

Dear Mr. Dave Craig.

I once knew 2 people. One was a David & the other a Craig. Funny world. Now. Thank you for writing me back. I have always admired both Swansons AND Swensons.

My question
: Are you Swensons or Swansons? Or Yogen Fruz as your envelope and card say. I looked up Yogen Fruz. It seems to be some sort of squishy freezee dessert squashee. What is it? I wanted FROZEN BY–PASS GASTRIC TV DINNERS. With all the trimmins’. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cornbread, & ice cream.

But this Yorgen stuff looks very good. What is Fruz? I can figure out was Yogen is.

So now i am really interested. When do we start? How do we begin? What is happening?

Sincerely,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

BEN GAY
JOHNSON & JOHNSON
P.O. Box 726
Langhorne, PA 19047–0726

Jul 23, 2009

Dear Ben Gay People:

I am a long time user of Ben Gay. I am told you are changing your name to BEN GOO. why?

I have used Ben Gay to satisfaction for years. It is the finest goo out there but to change your name.…

Benjamin Gay, I can see. Please! Don’t.

I await my reply with the correct information.

Sincerely,

F. D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

July 23, 2009

F. D. Nancy
1413 1/2 W Kenneth Rd
# 193
Glendale, CA 91201–1478
Dear F. D.:

Thank you for contacting Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies, Inc., makers of Original Strength BENGAY® Pain Relieving Cream. It is always important to hear from our consumers, and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

We would like to answer your question in this letter; however in this case, we would be better able to help you over the phone.

Please call the Information Center toll free at 1–800–223–0182 Monday through Friday between the hours of 8 AM and 8 PM.

Be sure to mention the reference number below when you call.

We appreciate the opportunity to speak with you and apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Robert D.
Consumer Care Center

008310007A

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Mr. Robert D.
BEN GAY
c/o JOHNSON & JOHNSON
199 Grandview Rd
Skillman, NJ 08558–9418

Aug 3, 2009

Dear Ben Gay and Mr. Robert D,

Thank you for answering my letter: That Ben Gay is changing its name to BEN GOO. You asked me to call you in answering my letter? Why? why do you need to help me over the phone? Huh?’ Just answer me. Are you changing your name from BEN GAY to BEN GOO? (as i have heard) I am mentioning the reference number to you. 008310007A which is coincidentally numbers i have used before in various combinations.

It’s no big deal. I was just at my desk when someone casually said “I heard Ben Gay is changing its name to Ben Goo.” That’s all, nothing more. It is goo isn’t it? I also heard you may change it to: Ben Gooey. Which sounds to me like the former Israeli Prime Minster.

Thank you for caring about us ointment users. Ben Gay is the finest ointment out there.

Signed,

Ben Gay Curious

(F.D. Nancy)

Full text of the above letter to follow.

August 11, 2009

F. D. Nancy
1413 1/2 W Kenneth Rd
#193
Glendale, CA 91201–1478

Dear F. D.:

Thank you for contracting Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies. Inc., makers of Original Strength BENGAY® Pain Relieving Cream. It is always important to hear from our consumers, and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

We have no plans to change the name of our BENGAY® Pain Relieving Cream.

Again, thank you for your interest in our company. Should you have any comments or questions in the future, please contact us via our website or by calling our toll-free number, 1–800–223–0182. Our specialists are available Monday through Friday between 8 AM and 8 PM EST and will be happy to assist you.

Sincerely,

Robert D.
Consumer Care Center

008310007B