All New Letters From a Nut (28 page)

F.D. Nancy
really Ted L. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

May 5, 2009

Mr. F.D. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201
USA

Dear Sir:

We have just received your letter and after checking, we have not found where the TINY MEN CONVENTION will be held in Jerusalem (June 1–9, 2009).

To our knowledge, there are not specific hotels for Tiny people.

But I advise you to see on the website of the Israeli Golden pages the general list of Jerusalem hotels:
www.d.co.il
.

We wish you a pleasant stay in Jerusalem.

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F.D. NANCY (MR)
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

SWANSONS FROZEN DINNERS
Swanson Consumer Affairs
PO Box 91000
Allentown, PA 18109

May 26, 2009

Dear Swansons Dinners,

I am a long time eater of your Swansons Frozen TV Dinners. Probably the finest combination of food I have ever eaten. I stack ’em like medical trays in my freezer then pile them into me. Someone at work told me you were coming out with:

SWANSONS FROZEN GASTRIC BYPASS DINNERS. It’s all here. Country Gravy, Buttered roll, pork chop, sugared yams, full 5 pound turkey with all the trimmins’. And it’s frozen. Thaw for 37 hours – poke at it every now and then to see it is still rock solid ice – and enjoy! Comes in Hearty Man size and XXL Hearty Man for the 300 pounder, 56 inch waister in your house. Free calm down wash cloth included (to wipe your forehead after eating)

Is this for real? tell me it isn’t. What’s going on with this country? Why would someone lie to me?

Anyway, can you please tell me if you still make Frozen Fried Chicken Strips. I can NEVER find them. Please tell me you have not discontinued this fabulous meal. I eat 6 a day. It’s all i eat. Now they are gone.

Thank you for answering my concerns. Swanson is a great food company that many appreciate who can’t cook so great. I am a long time eater of your frozen food trays. My father always says he is going to send me into space. And include a stack of frozen Swanson dinners. (I do not believe him. he drinks)

Respectfully,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

June 4, 2009

Mr. F.D. Nancy
1413 1/2 Kenneth Road #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Dear Mr, Nancy:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding Swanson® Dinners. We genuinely appreciate your time and loyalty to our brand.

You may find the Swanson Frozen Fried Chicken Strips at the following locations:

Food 4 Less
5420 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles CA 90027–5614
(323) 8718011

Food 4 Less
8035 Webb Ave
North Hollywood CA 91605–1505
(918) 2524855

At Pinnacle Foods Corporation, we are proud of the wide array of products that we have to offer our consumers. Our brands are rich in history and heritage, over 1,000 years combined, each one with a different and interesting story. Breakfast, lunch, dinner or a snack, Pinnacle Foods has your entire day covered! To learn more about our brands and promotional activity, we invite you to visit us online at
www.pinnaclefoodscorp.com
.

In appreciation of your loyalty, please accept the enclosed with our compliments, If there is anything additional we can assist you with, please do not hesitate to contact us again in the future.

Sincerely,

Consumer Insights Representative

001130419A

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Cruise Information
Cruise Deals Co.
11111 Carmel Commons Blvd.
Suite 210
Charlotte, NC 28226

6/10/9

Dear Cruise Deals.

I am interested in taking your cruise to Bermuda. This would be a 14 day cruise for myself and my companion Frito. All luxuries please. Frito has a disability which i call your attention to:

Frito suffers from TOURETTES SIGN LANGUAGE. This is a form of Tourettes Syndrome, which as you may know, is a medical disability where one shouts out obscene words they cannot control.

Frito is a mute and cannot speak. So he makes obscene gestures at strangers as they pass. Instead of spewing out a filthy stream of vulgarities. Belive me, It can be quite troublesome to see an innocent couple enjoying the splashing water and warm sun and Frito approaches and gives them an obscene finger gesture or makes the sign of the *&%# you. It can get worse as Frito currently has 17 obscene gestures and ticks he displays. I will be happy to list all of them for you if you like. I keep a chart for travel situations like this. But what can I do? Frito is my companion.

I will be arriving by raincage from Lodi. My Lodi # is K65D–. Can we make plans to go on a 14 day cruise, your finest extravagances please? Frito shaves every 30 minutes. I look forward to your reply with my request.

Sincerely,