America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky (17 page)

“
Sir, we are being attacked.
And, I suggest you get out of the doorway,” I said as I tugged at
Colonel McGee’s elbow. “We are still taking sniper
fire.”

“
Let go of me,” snapped
Colonel McGee as he pulled away. “General Kalipetsis saw the whole
massacre on the spider news and he is not a happy camper. I really
don’t need more grief from Kalipetsis.”

“
Sir, what we need is more
firepower. We need air strikes on those buildings full of snipers.
Massive air strikes,” I suggested.

“
Massive airstrikes? You
don’t call in massive air strikes against civilians when you are in
the middle of negotiations to form a new government,” said Colonel
McGee.

“
You do if you want to
live,” said Lieutenant Lopez as he helped carry in Sergeant Green,
setting him in the corner away from the windows. A bullet
ricocheted off the doorway.

“
Did I ask for your
opinion?” replied Colonel McGee.

“
No sir, but there are
millions of spiders in this city. And they are all pissed off at
us. We should leave and nuke this place. Turn Spiderville into
glass,” suggested Lieutenant Lopez.

“
Do we have any nukes?” I
asked, suddenly optimistic. “That’s a great idea!”

“
There are a whole bunch of
captured spider nukes stored in the palace basement,” answered
Corporal Kool. “Want me to get a few?”

“
You are not using nukes for
crowd control!” exploded Colonel McGee. “I’ll tell you what we are
going to do. We are going to roust the Emperor and make him give a
speech that will calm the spiders down.”

Colonel McGee walked over the door to the
Imperial private residence and knocked. No answer. He tried the
door knob. Locked. Colonel McGee then kicked the door down and
strode in. He found the Emperor still in bed. From the smell, he
had been dead for a while.

“
Christ! Czerinski! Haven’t
you been checking on this guy? What the hell have you been doing? I
can’t leave you with one simple task?” screamed Colonel
McGee.

“
This don’t look good,” said
Lieutenant Lopez, peering at the Emperor and shaking his head.
“Tisk tisk tisk, Captain Czerinski.”

“
Shut up, Lopez,” I replied.
“It’s not my fault he vapor-locked.”

“
Maybe we could prop the
Emperor up in a chair by the window and move his claw back and
forth like he is waving at all the spiders down there,” suggested
Lieutenant Lopez. “It might make them happy for a
while.”

“
That might work,” said
Colonel McGee, giving that matter some thought. “Do it!”

“
Yeah, do it!” I ordered
Lieutenant Lopez as I left the private residence with Colonel
McGee.

“
What more can go wrong?”
commented Colonel McGee, shaking his head as he gazed out the
doorway at the increasing smoke hanging over the city. Just then a
50-cal. sniper’s bullet struck Colonel McGee in the chest,
splattering us all with blood and body parts.

“
Private Nesbit!” I called
out. “Go downstairs. Find as many nukes as you can and bring them
up here.”

“
What?” protested Private
Nesbit. “You said I didn’t have to carry nukes anymore. Why are you
always harassing me? You still haven’t got over Mars, have
you?”

“
Get down there now!” I
ordered.

“
I don’t even have any
anti-rad pills left,” complained Private Nesbit.

“
Anti-rad pills don’t work
anyway,” said Corporal Ceausescu. “You’re going to glow in the dark
forever and your dick is going to fall off!”

“
Oh hell no,” said Sergeant
Green, lifting his head up from his stretcher. “You aren’t serious
about letting that idiot play with nukes again? Especially alien
nukes? All by himself? He will blow us all up for sure.”

“
You might be right,” I
said, giving the matter some thought. “Williams! Go with Nesbit.
And make sure you don’t drop any nukes you bring back.”

“
Great,” said Sergeant Green
in frustration. “You sent Dumb and Dumber to go play with nukes.
You
are
Polish,
aren’t you?”

“
Shut up, or I’ll cut off
your morphine,” I said nastily as I got up and followed Nesbit and
Williams downstairs. Sergeant Green was right. Some things, if you
want them done right, you should do yourself.

I expected to find a large vault and locked
doors safeguarding the palace nukes. What I found was about
twenty-five tactical nukes of all sizes in a corner stashed behind
bomb shelter crackers and bottled water. Private Williams
immediately started unscrewing the nose of one of the bombs. I hit
Private Williams so hard, I knocked him into yesterday. Then I
detailed a squad to help carry the nukes and Private Williams to
the palace lobby. We scattered the nukes about to make a public
display and to deter a spider attack. I had the largest nuke
carried to the armored car. I ordered Lieutenant Lopez to set the
timer for one week and to hide the nuke somewhere near the
Intelligentsia & State Security Headquarters Building.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Lopez ordered the armored car
driver to park by a dumpster next to a burned out grocery store.
Then he set the timer on the nuke for seven days, and ordered the
nuke dropped in the dumpster.

“
But Captain Czerinski said
he wanted the nuke hidden at the Intelligentsia Headquarters
Building,” argued Private Nesbit. “You want to disobey
orders?”

“
That is not what Czerinski
ordered,” responded Lieutenant Lopez. “Czerinski said hide the nuke
as close as possible to the Headquarters Building. This dumpster is
as close as is possible. The headquarters is surrounded by spider
tanks and troops.”

“
The Captain might get
upset,” said Private Williams, his jaw still sore from being hit
earlier.

“
Captain Czerinski takes a
grudge way too far,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “I believe in payback
as much as the next guy, but I am not getting killed by spider
tanks and troops just because Czerinski wants some spider officer
nuked. He can do it himself if he wants revenge that
bad.”

“
That spider officer shot
you. Remember? You swore you would kill him,” said Private
Williams. “You swore you would exterminate them all.”

“
I got over it,” replied
Lieutenant Lopez.

Private Williams shrugged and opened the top
of the dumpster. A spider jumped out hissing, “Why are you
disturbing me?”

“
What are you doing in the
dumpster?” asked Lieutenant Lopez.

“
I live here,” replied the
spider bum. “I have lived here for years. Do you have any spare
change?”

“
Put the nuke in the
dumpster,” Lieutenant Lopez ordered, gesturing to Williams and
Nesbit.

“
Did you say nuke?” asked
the spider bum. “You can’t nuke my home. I have rights. Who do you
humans think you are? There are laws. You will be in big trouble
with the Habitat Protection Agency.”

“
He is right,” agreed
Private Williams. “We can’t just set off a nuke in the first
dumpster we happen to come across.”

“
Shut up you fools,” said
Lieutenant Lopez. “Load the nuke back into the armored
car.”

They drove away, looking for a better place
to hide the nuke. There was plenty of debris in the streets, but
Lieutenant Lopez wanted to place the nuke somewhere special.
Passing by some small shops, Lieutenant Lopez ordered the armored
car to an abrupt halt. Green spiders ran out to greet them. It was
the same merchant spiders Sergeant Green had sold rifles and
ammunition to.

“
Do you have more weapons to
sell us?” asked the leader of the merchants. “We need more ammo. We
are almost out. There was much fighting.”

“
Would you like to buy a
nuke?” asked Lieutenant Lopez. “I have an extra nuke in the
car.”

“
What would I do with a
nuke?” asked the merchant spider. “A nuke would be a burden on my
family. Where would I put it? Under my bed? My wife would complain.
You should pay me to take it off your hands.”

“
Never mind,” said
Lieutenant Lopez. “We will sell you more rifles, ammo, and clips.
Then, I wash my hands of you.”

“
Not so fast. If I wanted to
buy your nuke, even though it is almost worthless, how much would
you want for it?” asked the merchant spider.

“
What would you do with a
nuke?” asked Lieutenant Lopez. “Sell it?”

“
There are many of us green
spiders who want our own country. Some even dream of having our own
planet,” explained the merchant spider. “Perhaps owning a nuke
would enhance our bargaining position.”

‘
The price is two million
credits,” said Lieutenant Lopez.

“
I thought you said our
credits are worthless to you humans,” said the merchant spider. “Do
you think I have two million credits just lying around? Money does
not just grow on trees.”

“
That’s the price,” said
Lieutenant Lopez. “It’s not negotiable.”

“
How about one half million
credits?” offered the merchant spider.

“
It is worth a lot more, but
I’ll sell it to you for one million credits,” offered Lieutenant
Lopez. “I have other buyers. I’m giving you first chance because we
have done prior business. We are friends.”

“
Yadda, yadda, yadda. I
should have lots of friends like you,” complained the merchant
spider. “I will allow you to cheat me out of one million credits
for this worthless nuke. No more.”

“
I am not sure my
translation device is working properly,” said Lieutenant Lopez,
frowning. “Do we have a deal at one million credits?”

“
Will you take a check?”
asked the merchant spider, pulling out his checkbook and
pen.

“
Yes, of course,” replied
Lieutenant Lopez, accepting the check. “After this war sorts itself
out, there will be a lot of money to be made trading. Captain
Czerinski said so himself. I will be buying land on New Colorado.
Contact me and we will do more business.”

“
How do you know that check
is good?” asked Private Nesbit. “He’s a spider. You can’t trust
spiders. Aren’t you even going to ask to see his ID?”

“
Do spiders have ID?” asked
Private Williams.

“
You have to have some
faith,” explained Lieutenant Lopez as he helped unload the nuke.
“Not everyone is a crook. Besides. I know where he
lives.”

On the way back to the palace, Lieutenant
Lopez ordered the armored car driver to drive up the steps of a
large white marble-faced building on the edge of Capital Square,
with big spider lettering chiseled above the doorway. Dead spider
rioters littered the steps. Lieutenant Lopez figured if the
spiders’ economy was anything like humans’, the biggest and most
prestigious buildings would be reserved for banking. Lieutenant
Lopez and Private Williams entered the building through the damaged
front door.

“
If your intent is robbery,
be warned, we at First National Bank of Arthropoda have the means
to resist,” a spider behind a grilled teller’s cage called
out.

“
I am here to open an
account and to make a substantial deposit,” replied Lieutenant
Lopez, passing his check through the cage.

“
Human pestilence can’t make
deposits,” said the spider in the teller cage.

“
Why not?” asked Lieutenant
Lopez, pulling the slide back on his assault rifle. “This check
should be good.”

“
It is highly irregular,”
explained the spider, looking at the check. “But given the size of
this transaction, and the fact that I am the bank manager, I will
make an exception for you, sir. Have you paid income taxes on this
money? We do not tolerate money-laundering at First National Bank
of Arthropoda.”

“
With a war going on?” asked
Lieutenant Lopez. “I didn’t have time to pay no stinking
taxes.”

“
Taxes are a small matter
that can be attended to later. Did you know that all deposits this
large are reported to the Director of Intelligentsia and State
Security?” asked the bank manager.

“
I think we killed him,”
commented Lieutenant Lopez.

“
For asking stupid
questions,” added Private Williams.

“
I see,” said the bank
manager nervously. “I will do my best to expedite your transaction.
Do you have any identification?”

“
Yes,” said Lieutenant
Lopez, presenting Legion ID.

“
Do you have a caste
security number?” asked the bank manager. “Probably not. Sorry I
asked a dumb question. Will this be a savings or checking
account?”

“
Checking. I want an ATM
card, too,” said Lieutenant Lopez.

“
Certainly, sir,” said the
bank manager, handing back the Legion ID. A checkbook was printed
and presented to Lieutenant Lopez. “I took the liberty of putting
the American Embassy as your address, sir.”

“
The embassy burned down.
But I’m sure a new embassy will be established,” said Lieutenant
Lopez. “I think the new embassy will be located where that red
building stands across the Square from here.”