As You Turn Away (The Walker Boys) (13 page)

He raised his head, blinking. “For?” She stared at him, full on, and Jonah stalled. Her beautiful, expressive eyes were full of tears, and the need to do something about her sorrow went through him like lightning.

“For the last time we spoke. For…the time before that and for the things I said, and accused you of.” Quinn let out a breath, the rush of air loud in the still around them. She didn’t even seem aware she was crying. “I owe you so much more than that, Jonah, but for now, it’s all I have.” She opened her hands, then fisted them again “It’s all there is left
of me
right now, but I want…I need to do something to make things right between us.”

She sounded as exhausted as he felt. As the seconds bled into minutes, Jonah watched as she put a hand to her heart and rubbed. Jonah focused on her face, and the destruction there. If things for her were at that point, but she was
still
making the effort, it was a testament to so many things. That they
mattered
to her, once.

“I don’t know where my life is headed. There are things here that need my attention. If—” She paused long enough to wipe her eyes. “
When
Dad wakes, I have to be here to take care of him.” Her face crumbled further. “I don’t know when I’m going back to New York, so until then I can’t know you’re here and that we’ll run into each other.” She gestured between them. “I can’t do
this
anymore, Jonah.”

“Do what?”

“Try so damned hard to hate you.” The words burst out, and Quinn winced as they rang loudly between them. “I can’t because…”

“Because?” Jonah kept his tone gentle. He didn’t want to assume anything, or try to guess how she might answer. He’d never gotten anywhere reading between the lines with Quinn Reynolds. The girl he’d loved said what was on her mind, and meant what she said.

“Because it isn’t true. I’m still mad at you, and sometimes I’m so hurt I can’t even
think
, but I don’t hate you.” She fixed her eyes on her hands. “I never did hate you.” Twisting her hands together, Quinn paused. “I wanted you to
know
that I know I fucked up when I left. I was falling apart under the pressure my parents were putting on me. I was trying so hard to be the person everyone wanted me to be. And then you—you…”

“I wanted you to stay somewhere you couldn’t breathe.” Jonah supplied the words when Quinn couldn’t. He remembered her screaming them at him, and they burned just as much coming from him as they had from her.

“I’m sorry,” Quinn whispered. “It just hurts so much. Looking at you, with all of this going on around me. I know we did a lot of damage to each other, and I don’t expect this to change anything, but I had to try. I don’t want either of us to hurt anymore over what we were.”

This time, the silence didn’t suffocate Jonah. He reached through it with the only thing he had: words from his heart. “I’m sorry, too. I was a stupid, selfish kid. I couldn’t have all of you, and it had to be my way or not at all.”

He swallowed around a thousand other words, knowing he needed to say the ones he hadn’t when she left him. Even though Quinn was putting herself out there, if he couldn’t do the same, this might be his last chance with her.

“I was just as wrong as you were. You were wild in a way I wasn’t, and I was terrified. Your world was becoming bigger than mine and I didn’t—” His voice threatened to break, and he stumbled. “ I didn’t know how to handle it, and where my place was in a world like that.”

Jonah forced himself to take a few deep breaths, knowing that he had to let go of the pain of the past in order to have any sort of a future. Baring himself to Quinn wasn’t going to turn back time, and he knew better than to expect that much of a kindness. But he owed her the truth. The words he’d kept locked inside for years, hidden behind his rage and his guilt. He owed her his everything, because if she hadn’t left him, he wasn’t certain he’d be working toward becoming the sort of man he could respect.

“I shouldn’t have doubted you, or us. But the truth was, I was immature, so the way I
loved
you was immature. I didn’t have any business asking you to stay, trying to cage you so you’d stay in my world. I wasn’t able to love you in the way you deserved.” Jonah leaned toward Quinn, his knees brushing her leg. Knowing he was over-stepping their boundaries but unable to stop himself, he reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. When she didn’t pull away, he found his voice again. “I don’t know what we’ll ever be, Quinn, but I know I also don’t want what we
were
to keep hurting either of us.”

“I don’t either.” She wasn’t crying anymore, but her eyes shone as she met his gaze. “What
are
we, Jonah?”

“We’re strangers.” Slowly, he took her other hand in his. “But that’s not a bad thing. We can start over from here, and get to know who we are now, instead of who we were then. Our history doesn’t have to define us, Quinn. All we can do now is go from here, and try to be friends.”

He studied Quinn, and the flush in her cheeks. Everything he’d worked for since coming home came down to this. The progress he was making wouldn’t mean anything if he couldn’t balance things with her. “I’m changing, Quinn. Every day, I’m changing. There’s this man I
want
to be, and maybe I could find my way to bein’ him without you in my life. But I wouldn’t ever be complete.” Jonah held her gaze so she could see he was being honest.

“Friends.” From the way she echoed his statement, she sounded as if it was not the word she was expecting. But all things considered, Jonah thought it was what they both
needed
right now. A tremulous smile blossomed on her mouth, and then steadied. “Yes, Jonah. I’ll be your friend.”

Jonah bowed his head, overcome with the strongest sense of relief he’d ever felt. “Okay,” he said, and squeezed her hand a final time before he let her go.

More and more, he needed Quinn’s touch, her scent, and her voice. He woke up thinking about her, and leaving her at the end of the night was more difficult every time. He just needed her, whatever he could get.

“This was all so good.” Quinn sighed and put her dessert fork on her plate. “It’s been such a wonderful night.”

And it had been. They’d stayed after the recital for a while, talking briefly to his family, and some of Quinn’s school friends. Jonah liked a few of them, and tolerated the ones he didn’t like. Most of them weren’t so bad, even if his entire house could probably fit inside one wing of theirs.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Quinn.” He squeezed her hand. “You deserve it. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

She fiddled with her necklace, the simple pendant he’d bought for her on their one-year anniversary. “You’re such a charmer.”

“Ah, but I mean every word.”

Jonah flagged their sever over and paid the bill; after a squabble, he let Quinn leave a tip. They gathered their things and left, a fine bead of sweat gathering on Jonah’s brow. Once they were in his car, he reached for her hand again, letting the engine warm.

“Do you trust me?”

She smiled. “Of course I do. You know that.”

“I have a surprise. Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you?” She did, and Jonah breathed in deeply. The hotel wasn’t far, and he played the radio down low during the drive. He didn’t miss Quinn’s soft intake of breath when they pulled into the parking lot, and he shut off the car. He led her to the room he’d paid for earlier, and flipped on the light.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

Quinn did, and looked around the room. It wasn’t much, just a simple room with a double bed, but it was the hotel’s nicest room, and Jonah had scattered flower petals over the bed. He wanted this night to be perfect for Quinn, in every single way.

“I don’t want to assume anything…” He rubbed his free hand on his pants leg. “And I don’t expect anything from you that you aren’t ready for. But the room is ours in case we want to just spend time together. It doesn’t mean…” He swallowed, feeling his face flush.

“Oh, Jonah.” Quinn took his other hand in hers. She searched his eyes in the moonlight streaming in through the window, and Jonah didn’t know if she saw what she was looking for or not, but she took a deep breath. “Jonah Walker, you are the most adorable boy in the world.” She paused, and his heart felt like it turned over. “And if you don’t know by now that I-I
love
you, then I don’t know what to tell you.”

Jonah felt her words all the way through him. Quinn came from a home so foreign to him—a place where affection they held affection aloft like water from a thirsty man. A place where no one saw her like he did. So for her to
love him
meant everything.

Something built within him, and pushed out the words he’d never said to any other girl. “I love you too.” Jonah reached for Quinn, and took her into his arms. She didn’t hesitate at all as their lips met, and Jonah knew he was home.

“Are you ready for this?”

Quinn rolled her shoulders back, her gazed fixed on the pavilion ahead. “Yes. I’m here, for now. I need to start acting like I am.”

Lanie gestured toward the path, her braid falling forward. “After you, Q—those fruits and veggies are calling your name.” She lowered her sunglasses. “And maybe a handsome farm boy, too.” Her laughter rang out, and after a moment Quinn’s joined her.

It seemed wrong to be amused, but it felt good at the same time. She reached into the car for her bag. “I don’t know about a farm boy—but I do have my eye on some tomatoes.”

Positioning herself on her crutches, Quinn maneuvered forward; it was only 8am and the local farmer’s market was already crowded. As much as she appreciated Lanie’s humor, Quinn was focused more on getting better than on dating. Starting anything with someone here was a bad idea, considering she didn’t know where she’d be once she healed.

Besides, she wasn’t known for having stellar luck in love. She’d been in a few relationships over the years, but nothing serious. A guy got too interested, and Quinn froze and ended it. She enjoyed dating, but she knew why her relationships all had an expiration date. She was gun shy after Jonah, and she was hiding behind that to avoid committing to anyone. She hated her behavior, but didn’t know how to correct it. Combined with the damage her mother did during her formative years, Quinn felt like a grenade most days.

Quinn browsed a few stalls, and bought a half dozen ears of corn. She wasn’t sure where Lanie had wandered off to, so Quinn continued through the market, pausing for various things. Most sellers smiled at her in greeting, or spoke a few kind words. Quinn wasn’t sure what she’d expected—everyone to stop what they were doing as they recognized her? She wasn’t the kid they remembered, so it was natural a few people wouldn’t be able to place her. And that was a relief, honestly. With her mother’s passing just over a month prior, Quinn couldn’t have handled pitying looks. She was focusing on the parent she had left, and hoping with all she had that he woke soon.

“Quinn!” Lanie’s voice made her pause, and she turned. “Come look at these tomatoes!”

Lanie was in front of a large stall, and she held out a tomato as Quinn neared. It was gorgeous, without the waxy look grocery store ones tended to have. Quinn squinted at Lanie. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend? She wouldn’t know a good tomato if it spoke up and told her it was.”

“She had some help from me.” The deep voice was familiar, and Quinn looked up, and then up some more. “I waved her over because she looked lost and I thought she could use a friendly face. You look like you could too, darlin’.”

Ethan couldn’t have been more than fifteen when Quinn saw him last, but she knew those Walker green eyes anywhere. Now he was taller, and more muscular, but a cap she’d bet was a Braves one perched backward on his head. He was smiling as he came around the table toward her.

“Ethan?” Her voice came out all strangled, as she lost her hold on her bag. It would have hit the ground, but Ethan snagged it, and handed it to her. “Ethan, you grew up! I mean, I know of course you did, but—”

“Quinn, seriously.” He looked different, but that smile was the same. When Ethan smiled, he put his whole heart into it, or so she’d always thought. “Come here and hug me.”

Before she could say no, Quinn took a step forward, and then Ethan’s arms were around her. She slowly relaxed into the hug, resting her head against his chest. She wasn’t sure why he was so happy to see her, but she knew better than to turn away kindness. She tightened her arms around Ethan, still unused to having to reach up to hug him. “You got tall,” she mumbled.

His rich laughter flowed over her. “Yeah, darlin’, I did.” Ethan finally released her, stepping back a few paces. “And you got even more gorgeous than you were when I last saw you.”