As You Turn Away (The Walker Boys) (15 page)

“Well some, but Dare’s been here, helping me as much as he can.” She swallowed twice before she could speak again. “He and Aunt Lila did the funeral arrangements, and we did the will reading last week.” She tried to steady herself. “You couldn’t help what happened, Daddy. I’m just glad you’re awake now.”

Her dad patted the mattress, and Quinn lowered the bar, awkwardly sitting. Once she was there, she tried to settle in, careful not to do anything that might cause him pain. She’d done enough of that in the past. If he’d let her stay in his life, her goal now was to bring him only joy.

“So am I, sweetheart.” He sighed. “It hurts me that Moira passed. And I’m sorry about your injuries.”

He was still holding her hand, which surprised her. She thought he would have let go by now, but she wasn’t going to be the first one to pull away. This was more contact than she’d had with her father in years.

“Daddy—”

“Let me get this out,” he said quietly. “I know a month is a long time when someone you love isn’t doing’ well, so I know you’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been asleep, but before that, I had time, too.” He brushed a finger across her cheek. “Sweetheart, I want the past to be the past. There’s time now to talk about it, work through it, and deal with your mom’s passing. We’ll work on it every day, but for now, can we agree to start being a family again?”

Quinn’s throat was tight, so she only nodded. It was everything she’d hoped for. They would talk. They would find a way to make wherever they were home again. “Yes, Daddy.” She leaned forward, and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be your family again,” she finished, resting her cheek against his. His quiet breathing was enough to finally halt her tears for good this time.

She answered by taking off her shirt. The cool air inside the room caressed her skin, followed by Jonah’s warm hands. They were shaking as his fingertips trailed down her arm, and to her chest. He inhaled sharply when he touched the lace edging on her bra. She felt like she was falling apart one breath at a time.

“I want to.” Quinn somehow managed to answer levelly. “And I know you do too. We love each other and I…I trust you, Joe.”

His eyes widened, and then his lips touched hers. Quinn sunk into the kiss, into the pressure of his mouth, the give and take, the collision of their breath and tongues. She’d felt a new intensity between them for the last few months, and somewhere in the back of her mind, she’d hoped they were headed toward a night like tonight. She’d wanted it to be a decision they both made, and this felt absolutely right. The right time, with the right person. And Jonah was that person.

Unlike what she’d been conditioned to believe, affection wasn’t bad, or weak. Jonah wouldn’t leave her after she had sex with him. He wouldn’t think less of her for it. She was safe with him. She could touch him, and let him in, even though doing so felt like lobbing a hand grenade at her walls.

But she wanted this, and them. She wanted to fall deeper in love with him tonight. She wanted to be bold, not afraid. She wanted to be
this
girl, here with
this
boy. This was her world, her gravity, and her moment. Her moment to let go of the past, to let go of what she’d always believed about love. To believe she was as beautiful as he told her she was. To believe in them, and shut out anything else.

Jonah’s lips were on her throat and he slowly backed her toward the bed. She dropped her hands to his pants. He made a noise in the back of his throat when she got stuck on his belt buckle, but she got past it. His pants clung to his hips for a moment before they fell to the floor. Quinn bumped into the bed, laughing a little as she sat. Jonah knelt and tugged off her shoes, socks, and jeans, then climbed onto the bed with her.

“Reece and I had a, uh, a talk last week.” He was turning a small package over in his hand. “I think he could see things heating up between us, and he took me to buy condoms. Not exactly the family outing Pop thought we were having, but at least it was legal for a change.” He smirked, and glanced at Quinn.

“I went on birth control a few months ago.” She met his gaze, flushing, but grinning. “Partially because of girl issues, and partly because I think I’ve been hoping we would take things to the next level.” She leaned forward and kissed him.

Jonah slowly lowered her to the bed, and then laid beside her. Quinn was the one shaking now, and Jonah must have realized it, because they laid there for the longest time just kissing. Then slowly, he put his hands on her shoulders, exploring softly. Quinn felt flushed and wet and aching by the time they paused.

“I can’t believe you love me,” she whispered.

“Believe it,” he murmured against her skin.

“I’ve never…”

“I know.” Jonah kissed her again, and fumbled, but managed to roll on the condom. “Neither have I.”

Quinn let her hands drift to his hips as she felt him enter her. It was a totally foreign feeling, him against her flesh, and between that, and the pain, she couldn’t stop the whimper from slipping past her lips. Jonah froze and Quinn took a long breath.

“It’s okay, don’t stop. I knew this would happen.”

He gave her time to get used to the feeling, and then he braced himself on his elbows. He pulled back and thrust in again, gliding in easier this time. The pain was less, receding, if not yet gone. Quinn felt like everything around her was still, like this wasn’t even really happening to her. Jonah was looking at her as he made love to her; it was unexpected, and awkward, and perfect.

She never wanted it to end.

“There he is, Uncle Jonah, look!” Jamie tugged at his hair, and Jonah trotted forward obligingly. Ethan was making his way through the throng, being stopped by folks as often as he was moving. Jonah admired his brother’s patience, which Ethan didn’t seem to ever run short of. Whether he was good friends with someone or only knew them in passing, he always had a “hello,” or a joke to make someone laugh.

“I see him, buddy,” Jonah affirmed. He hovered on the outside of the mass of bodies for a moment before deciding no matter how good his brother’s intentions, they’d never get him away from everyone if someone didn’t intercede. Diving in, Jonah slowly edged forward, nodding at those he knew, smiling apologetically at those he didn’t. He didn’t mind making small talk, but Ethan apparently inherited their father’s ability to silver tongue—which was good or bad, depending. It ran closer to bullshitting than anything useful. It was something Jonah grew out of, but he wasn’t sure if Ethan would.

“Uncle Ethan!” Jamie hollered loud enough to draw looks as they came to within twenty feet of Ethan. To his credit, Ethan looked around immediately, and when he saw Jamie and Jonah, he smiled widely. He excused himself from whomever he was talking to, and moved closer to them. Jamie squirmed in Jonah’s arms, and Jonah held him tighter.

He’d known his nephew less than two months, but Jonah already couldn’t imagine his life without Jamie in it. Jamie found joy in everything, and had the wildest imagination. He was observant, and Jonah knew he was going to take his preschool class by storm in the fall. He had a longer than average attention span for an almost-four-year-old, but he was still very much a child. Jonah never knew what game he was going to come up with next; it blew his mind that Jamie was just as comfortable playing Superheroes or tag as he was brushing a horse while Jonah or Ethan held him.

“Hey, brother.” Ethan was already reaching for Jamie, who went to him without any protests. “Hey little dude! Did you see me win?” He’d won the first race of the night at the tractor pull.

“I did, I saw you, Uncle Ethan!” Jamie was almost bouncing with excitement. His John Deere shirt clashed with the cap Ethan settled on his head. Immediately, the hat slipped over Jamie’s eyes, and his giggle was loud and happy.

Jonah put his hands in his back pockets and backed away as he surveyed the two. Even though he already loved James unabashedly, he knew that his nephew and Ethan had a different bond. He was glad Jamie had Ethan around for his first years, so that he knew how loved he was. He was one of the most special kids Jonah had ever known, and he hoped to spend many more days getting to know Jamie.

“He loves you, too, you know.”

Startled, Jonah looked to his left, pinpointing the voice. He wasn’t sure what to say to Reece, even now. He respected his brother had his own reasons for his actions, and he wasn’t going to continue to ask Reece to defend those reasons. Over the last month and a half, Jonah had come to understand how precious Jamie was, and he could understand why Reece had erred on the side of caution. But Jonah and Reece circled one another warily these days, and truthfully hadn’t spent much time alone.

“I think he does,” Jonah commented finally. “I know it must seem weird to him, me just suddenly bein’ here, when Ethan’s been here all along. I’ve missed a lot.”

Reece jerked his head toward a section of bleachers off to the side; they were mostly empty, with everyone still milling around waiting for the next race. Jonah followed him in silence, the scent of hot dogs and BBQ wafting through the air.

“His first birthday,” Reece said quietly, “we had a Batman cake. Even as a baby, he would wave his fists in the air when anything related to Batman came on.” Reece laughed, shaking his head. “He had that cake all over him, but you’ve never seen a happier baby.” He paused, gaze fixed off in the distance, as though he was seeing it all over again. “Han and I were in trouble even then, but we all laughed until we cried over Jamie and the damned Batman cake.”

From here, Jonah could see the next drivers readying for the pull. The sleds were attached, and families were already cheering. Years back, Jonah might have been in one of those tractors, and even though he knew all he had to do now was ask, it was Ethan and his dad’s thing, like Jonah and Sam had Baby. His brother got a thrill out of having something of his own, and Jonah wasn’t about to diminish that in any way.

He could make out Ethan now, still carrying a beaming Jamie. Ethan and Jamie were in the middle of a circle of older ladies, including Jonah’s mom, all of whom were probably making a huge fuss over Jamie. “Thank you.” Jonah chanced a look at Reece. “For sharing that with me. Everyone’s been good to let me be around him now, but no one has really opened up about his first years.”

Reece made a sound that might have been a grunt, but Jonah couldn’t tell. He leaned back against the bleachers, stretching out his legs. Another long day in the field, followed by moving into his apartment this evening was finally catching up to him.

“Ethan told me it’s going to take mutual respect and time to find my footing in the family.” The tractors rumbled, and although Jonah was only halfway paying attention, he heard the shouts from the crowd when it was clear one had bested the others.

Reece shifted beside him. “Reckon he’s right. Our baby brother always did make the most sense of any of us.”

“I know we both need to work on the respect,” Jonah returned, “but we’ve been angry at each other for too long. I don’t mind investing as much time as it takes, but I want it to be productive.” He chewed on his bottom lip, watching his brother and nephew before he eyed Reece. “And us staying mad isn’t productive.” He couldn’t read his brother’s eyes, and that unnerved him. “Can we find a way to put all this behind us?”

Reece crossed his arms over his chest, staring hard at Jonah. He let the silence drag out, like the heavy pause between rolls of thunder—the kind that made you wonder if the storm was going to pass you by, or if all hell might break loose. “Thought you’d never ask, Joe.”

“Stubborn ass.” Jonah muttered the words, but he couldn’t hide his relief. “You were holding out on me.”

“Just wanted to see if you’d given up your fuckin’ pride.” Reece shot the words back at him like he’d always pitched in baseball—fast and sure. But the smile playing around his mouth took away the sting.

Jonah rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you come over and help me unpack tomorrow and we’ll talk more then?”

“Why, so you can write it all down in your diary after I leave?” Reece mimed writing in a notebook. “Dear Diary: Today Reece picked on me, and I hid in the bathroom and cried until he left.”

Jonah couldn’t hold back his laughter. After so long of being at odds with Reece, it felt too good to tamp down this moment of levity, especially as Ethan walked over to them and gave them a bewildered look. It only made Jonah laugh harder, and Reece joined in. After a moment, even Jamie laughed, pointing at them.

“They are silly,” he proclaimed, and Ethan set him down on the bleachers in between Reece and Jonah.

“They sure are,” a new voice agreed.

Jonah’s laughter died as he realized who was joining their conversation. His blond hair was slicked back and he was wearing a nice shirt, but the glare on Darren Reynolds’ face was the same one that always marred his features when he was around Jonah. The last time he and Jonah got along was before he left. Then he was just Reece’s friend, and Quinn’s cousin—someone who Jonah occasionally jammed with, or smoked pot with behind their barn.

“Y’all are a sorry group.” Darren punched Reece on the shoulder, and nodded to Ethan. Without being asked, he leaned against one of the lower bleachers, and then turned his gaze to Jonah. “Hey, man.” His gray eyes were as unsettling as ever; Darren was as much of a live wire as Reece was. Jonah honestly wasn’t sure how the two of them hadn’t killed each other growing up, but somehow they were each alive and mostly intact.