Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (3 page)

Multiply these stories by our nearly two million readers and you'll have a sense of the meaning and satisfaction we've derived from our relationship with people like you.

We've made a number of important changes in this new edition that we believe will make this book an even more powerful resource. Some of the changes help clarify key points, update examples, or strengthen the book's focus. But the changes we are most excited about include summaries of important new research; powerful reader stories that illustrate key principles; links to fun, memorable, and illuminating videos; and an afterword with new personal insights from each of the authors.

We are confident that these changes will not only improve your reading experience, they will also increase your capacity to turn the printed word into productive habits in your work and personal life.

We're thrilled that so many people have responded positively to this work. To be honest, ten years ago we dared to hope the ideas we shared would alter the world. We had great confidence that changing the way people handle their crucial moments could produce a better future for organizations, individuals, families, and nations. What we didn't know was whether the world would respond as we hoped.

So far so good. It has been immensely gratifying to see so many people embrace the notion that crucial conversations really can make a difference. We've been privileged to teach heads of government, business moguls, and influential social entrepreneurs. The day we held in our hands two copies of our book—one in Arabic and one in Hebrew—gave us an even greater sense of possibility. We've shared the principles in areas of turmoil and unrest, such as Kabul and Cairo, as well as in areas of growth and influence, such as Bangkok and Boston. With each new audience and each new success story we feel a greater motivation to ensure our work makes a lasting difference.

Thus the new edition.

We hope the improvements in this edition substantially improve your experience with these life-changing ideas.

— Kerry Patterson

— Joseph Grenny

— Ron McMillan

— Al Switzler

May 2011

Our gratitude for the contribution of many fine colleagues has grown as our work has expanded around the world. We invite you to join with us in thanking some of those who not only have helped us take these ideas to millions in dozens of languages, but who also have shaped the ideas far more effectively than we could have without them.

Here are just a few of our 100+ colleagues on the VitalSmarts team who are as committed to this work as any of the authors:

James Allred, Terry Brown, Mike Carter, Platte Clark, Jeff Gibbs, Justin Hale, Emily Hoffman, Todd King, Brittney Maxfield, Mary McChesney, John Minert, Stacy Nelson, Rich Rusick, Andy Shimberg, Mindy Waite, Yan Wang, Steve Willis, Mike Wilson, and Rob Youngberg

Thanks also to our U.S. associates who are gifted teachers and powerful influencers:

Rodger Dean Duncan, Doug Finton, Ilayne Geller, Hayden Hayden, Jean-Francois Hivon, Richard Lee, Simon Lia, Murray Low, Jim Mahan, Margie Mauldin, Paul McMurray, Jim Munoa, Larry Peters, Shirley Poertner, Mike Quinlan, Scott Rosenke, Howard Schultz, Kurt Southam, and Neil Staker

And finally we express gratitude to the partners who have made Crucial Conversations a global movement.

Australia, Steve Mason

Brazil, Paulo Kretly and Josmar Arrais

China, Joe Wang and Jenny Xu

Egypt, Hisham El Bakry

France, Cathia Birac and Dagmar Doring

Germany, Tom Bertermann and Piotr Bien

India, Yogesh Sood

Italy, Katarzyna Markowska

Japan, Akira Chida and Kanae Honda

Malaysia, V. Sitham and VS Pandian

Netherlands, Sander van Eijnsbergen and Willeke Kremer

Poland, Marek Choim and Piotr Sobczak

Singapore, James Chan and Adrian Chong

South Africa, Helene Vermaak and Jay Owens

South Korea, Ken Gimm

Spain, Robin Schuijt

Switzerland, Arturo Nicora

Thailand, TP Lim

United Kingdom, Grahame Robb and Richard Pound

When people first hear the term “crucial conversation,” many conjure up images of presidents, emperors, and prime ministers seated around a massive table while they debate the future. Although it's true that such discussions have a wide-sweeping impact, they're not the kind we have in mind. The crucial conversations we're referring to are interactions that happen to everyone. They're the day-to-day conversations that affect your life.

Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First,
opinions vary
. For example, you're talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you're not ready; you think you are. Second,
stakes are high
. You're in a meeting with four coworkers and you're trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You've got to do something different or your company isn't going to hit its annual goals. Third,
emotions run strong
. You're in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or she brings up an “ugly incident” that took place at yesterday's neighborhood block party. Apparently not only did you flirt with someone at the party, but according to your spouse, “You were practically making out.” You don't remember flirting. You simply remember being polite and friendly. Your spouse walks off in a huff.

And speaking of the block party, at one point you're making small talk with your somewhat crotchety and always colorful neighbor about his shrinking kidneys when he says, “Speaking of the new fence you're building . . .” From that moment on you end up in a heated debate over placing the new fence—three inches one way or the other. Three inches! He finishes by threatening you with a lawsuit, and you punctuate your points by mentioning that he's not completely aware of the difference between his hind part and his elbow. Emotions run
really
strong.

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.
In each case, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse. Clearly a promotion could make a big difference. Your company's success affects you and everyone you work with. Your relationship with your spouse influences every aspect of your life. Even something as trivial as a debate over a property line affects how you get along with your neighbor.

Despite the importance of crucial conversations, we often back away from them because we fear we'll make matters worse. We've become masters at avoiding tough conversations. Coworkers send e-mail to each other when they should walk down the hall and talk turkey. Bosses leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their direct reports. Family members change the subject when an issue gets too risky. We (the authors) have a friend who learned through a voice-mail message that his wife was divorcing him. We use all kinds of tactics to dodge touchy issues.

But it doesn't have to be this way. If you know how to handle crucial conversations, you can effectively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic.

Crucial Conversation
kr
shel kän´v
Å­
r sa´ shen)
n
A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

Just because we're in the middle of a crucial conversation (or maybe thinking about stepping up to one) doesn't mean that we're in trouble or that we won't fare well. In truth, when we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things:

• We can avoid them.

• We can face them and handle them poorly.

• We can face them and handle them well.

That seems simple enough. Walk away from crucial conversations and suffer the consequences. Handle them poorly and suffer the consequences. Or handle them well.

“I don't know,” you think to yourself. “Given the three choices, I'll go with handling them well.”

But do we handle them well? When talking turns tough, do we pause, take a deep breath, announce to our innerselves, “Uh-oh, this discussion is crucial. I'd better pay close attention” and then trot out our best behavior? Or when we're anticipating a potentially dangerous discussion, do we step up to it rather than scamper away? Sometimes. Sometimes we boldly step up to hot topics, monitor our behavior, and offer up our best work. We mind our Ps and Qs. Sometimes we're just flat-out
good
.

And then we have the rest of our lives. These are the moments when, for whatever reason, we're at our absolute worst—we yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. When conversations matter the most—that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial—we're generally on our worst behavior.

Why is that?

We're designed wrong
. When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we're often in trouble. That's because emotions don't exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.

For instance, consider a typical crucial conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The
hairs
you can handle. Unfortunately, your body does more. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. You don't
choose
to do this. Your adrenal glands do it, and then you have to live with it.