Authors: Christie Anderson
I slept late into the morning. It had been hard to fall asleep last night after Rayne left me to go on his secret, mission thing. I rolled over in the blanket and reached for my diary on the side table with silly anticipation, but the purple stone which signified a new message from him was dark.
I hated that I felt so desperate when he was gone. I wanted to feel in control of myself. I wanted to be strong, to feel independent without him here, but the stark white hospital room felt lonely and cold in his absence.
I opened the book and read his last message, the one he’d written just minutes after he left:
I’M ONLY A PEN STROKE AWAY…
I stared at the words, reading them over and over again. I’d been conscious only minutes but already I couldn’t stop wondering. What was he doing? Was he safe? Did he miss me at all?
I grabbed a pen and held it over the half-empty page. Wouldn’t it seem too eager to write him so soon? Had he gone home to sleep last night? Maybe he hadn’t even left town yet. My hand hovered over the page without moving.
Didn’t I have any pride left? I could go a while longer without hearing from him, right? I slammed the book shut on my lap. Of course I could. I wasn’t some silly girl who spent her time waiting around for a boy to make her happy.
The hospital bed quickly became my own personal prison cell. I had to get out of here today, before I went completely mad with cabin fever. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted my own bed in my own room. I wanted to go back to my normal life.
I jumped out of the bed with all my energy and went immediately to my phone.
My mom’s voice sang on the other end of the line. “Morning, sweetheart.”
I didn’t return her pleasantries. “Mom, I need to get out of here. It’s time to go home. I’m going crazy.”
“Honey, calm down,” she urged. “Dr. Jensen and I are just going to do a few final tests when I get in for my shift this afternoon. Then I promise I’ll take you home.”
“Can’t you come any sooner? I’m so bored I want to shoot myself. I don’t need any more tests. I feel one hundred percent, completely and totally
fine
.”
“Okay, okay,” she said, somewhat amused by my dramatic tone. “You don’t need to shoot yourself. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mom. You’re the best.”
I hung up the phone and perched on the couch in triumph. As I took pleasure in the prospect of going home I noticed a tray of breakfast food sitting untouched on one of the tables across the room.
I skipped across the floor thinking happy thoughts about home, but stopped half way there. My head jolted to the right at the tiny purple light glowing faintly in the sunlit room. I thought I was imagining the light; it was probably just the rays of sun glinting through the window and bouncing off the stone like an illusion. But I had to check—just to be sure.
I hopped on the bed and pulled the leather book to my lap. My heart leapt with delight. The page number glowed from the tiny stone in the reflection of my eyes. It was him; he sent me a message. That meant he was thinking about me right this very moment. I skimmed eagerly through the pages to reveal the welcomed message. When I found the right page an uncontrollable smile crossed my face. I read the short phrase written in Rayne’s handwriting:
GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE.
The neatly written message sent a surge through my body. The permanent smile on my face grew as I read the greeting several times. Just knowing Rayne wrote these three little words specifically for me, made the world seem brighter.
But I had to be smart. I had to remember his cautions not to get my hopes up. He warned me nothing could come between him and his job. He couldn’t take any more risks. That meant I had to suppress the fact that I loved him and that every moment he was away was like a slow form of torture. I tried to keep my cool and act casual as I wrote back:
Hey, good to hear from you. How’s your trip?
That sounded casual, right? But was it too casual? Maybe I should’ve sounded a little happier to hear from him. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t care at all. As I analyzed the wording a small paragraph suddenly appeared below my handwriting:
EVERYTHING’S FINE. MY BUSINESS IS DONE HERE. I HAVE A STOP TO MAKE ON MY WAY BACK. IF THERE AREN’T ANY COMPLICATIONS, I SHOULD BE THERE SOME TIME TONIGHT.
His business was already done? I thought he said he was traveling far away. It was still morning. I wasn’t too surprised though; he was always doing things that seemed amazing or impossible in some way.
That meant he might be back tonight, just hours away. I could handle that. I’d barely had an opportunity to worry and he was already on his way home. I wrote back feeling relieved:
I’m glad things went well. Hopefully there won’t be any problems. I have good news. My mom is letting me go home today!
Last night I was dreading this day, but maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. His response appeared at the bottom of the page:
I’M SURE GOING HOME WILL BE A RELIEF. JUST DON’T RUN OUT AND GET INTO TROUBLE BEFORE I GET BACK.
I smiled with a small laugh and wrote:
Don’t worry your assignment will keep herself safe while you’re away…
Even though I joked, the hidden truth behind the words pinched at my heart. He obviously cared for my wellbeing, but not in the way I longed for. I could even survive all day in this hospital cell as long as his words continued to appear on the page, but I had a feeling he wouldn’t write much longer. He would get back to business—that was his priority. He seemed to read my mind as he wrote:
I HAVE TO GET GOING IF I WANT TO MAKE IT BACK TONIGHT. THERE MIGHT BE A FEW HOURS WHERE I WON’T BE ABLE TO RESPOND BUT I’LL BE IN TOUCH LATER.
BE SAFE…
I wrote back,
okay talk to you later
, and that was it; no more responses. He didn’t give me any details, but it seemed like he was okay. At least I had that. I should hear from him again later today so I had something to look forward to.
I focused my thoughts on going home instead of stressing over the fact that I was in love with someone who was only talking to me out of obligation.
While I waited for my mom to show, I sent a text message to Heather letting her know I secured a date to the dance. As soon as her class ended she called. She was ecstatic of course, and jumped right into making more plans. I tried to explain to her he was just coming as a favor, that he’d specifically told me he just wanted to be friends, but she was still optimistic.
“That might be what he says now,” she said. “But he could’ve easily, like, made up some excuse not to come. But he didn’t. Even if he doesn’t realize it yet; he totally likes you. I bet after spending the whole night with you on this date he’ll change his mind. This is you we’re talking about, Sadie. No guy could spend a whole night with you and not be completely smitten.”
Either Heather was trying really hard to boost my ego, so I wouldn’t feel bad Rayne didn’t return my feelings, or she’d set me up on some pedestal in her head that was entirely unrealistic. Either way, I wished I could share in her optimism, but I knew the real reason Rayne agreed to come to the dance—to be my bodyguard.
Heather and I decided to go shopping after school this afternoon to buy outfits for Saturday night. It was a Sadie Hawkins tradition to wear matching shirts with your date to the dance. Hopefully my mom would show up to the hospital soon, so I’d be sure to leave in time. Who knew how long they would make me stick around to finish their irrelevant tests.
Luckily, my mom showed up just as I said goodbye to Heather. I was hoping the day would be full of distractions to keep my mind off of Rayne.
There were a few moments when my mom left me alone with Dr. Jensen and I took advantage of the opportunity to ask him a little about himself. I’d always thought he seemed like potential dating material for my mom but she never would listen to me. I thought if I dropped a few hints, he might be willing to ask her out.
“So how do you like working at the hospital?” I asked, starting up a conversation.
Dr. Jensen shined a light into one of my eyes. “I enjoy it most of the time,” he said casually.
He was a handsome man. Even I noticed, and he was old enough to be my father.
“The hours can be kind of crazy sometimes, right?” I continued. “Does that ever make it hard on your family? Your wife probably barely gets to see you.”
Truthfully, I knew that Dr. Jensen wasn’t married but I didn’t want to seem obvious about my motives.
“No, I’m not married,” he said.
“Really?” I said in fake surprise. “I would think a successful guy like you would’ve been snatched up a long time ago. But you have a girlfriend, right?”
That part I wasn’t sure about. If he did have a girlfriend then it would make sense why my mom was always saying they were just friends. If his answer was no, well, I would have to see what I could do to change that.
“I’ve dated around. Just never found someone to settle down with I guess.” He eyed me with a suspicious smile and placed a metal instrument to my ear.
He didn’t have a girlfriend after all. What was my mom waiting for? He was the most attractive, single doctor at the hospital and he seemed like a nice guy.
“My mom is single too,” I hinted. “Seems like it could get a little lonely, maybe you two should hang out sometime. You could keep each other company…”
He stopped what he was doing and laughed without humor. “Sadie, that’s very sweet, but the truth is, I’ve invited your mother out on several occasions and she turned me down every time.”
“What?” I said. I couldn’t hide my disapproval. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”
“It’s okay,” he said, suddenly losing his ere of confidence. “She said she’s not looking for a relationship right now and I have to respect that.” His words were right, but his voice clearly showed signs of hurt feelings.
He stood upright with a frustrated expression. “No matter how much you care for someone, you can’t force them to return the feelings.” The next thing I knew he was out the door. He didn’t even finish his tests.
My mouth gaped at the closed door. Clearly this was a sore subject for the doctor. His interest in my mother was obvious. Why did she continue to turn him down? Was she holding back because of me? No, I’d always made it known I encouraged her to date.
My thoughts were dispersed when a stocky nurse entered the room. “Your mom’s filling out some paperwork to check you out. Go ahead and get dressed, dear, she’ll be here in a few minutes to help you with your things.”
Finally…time to go home.
My mom insisted on gathering the last of my personal items in the room while I sat on the couch and watched. I twirled the stem of Rayne’s vibrant, orange daisy between my fingers while I waited; the one he brought to life with his Healing Water just four days ago.
I pictured his brilliant smile in my mind and daydreamed, remembering his secret visit to my room. I kept the orange flower aside from the other floral arrangements. Most of them were wilted now, not worth bringing home. I didn’t even keep the orange daisy in water but it still looked perfect.
When we finally left the hospital I hoped there wouldn’t be a reason to return anytime soon. I walked out the glass doors with a gleam in my eye, breathing in large sighs of fresh sunshine and coastal breeze as it waved around my cheeks.
It was a different feeling from the dark air of the rooftop the night before, mysterious and exhilarating. Last night my legs floated forward without me knowing how they landed. The air today felt familiar, ordinary even. My feet moved with grounded, level steps towards the dolphin pattern on the wall of the parking structure I’d seen so many times before.
Mom took me out to lunch before dropping me off at home and heading back to the hospital for her shift. As usual, we talked about obvious topics while we ate; my plans with Heather to go shopping and the dance on Saturday, the pile of homework left on the desk for me at home brought by several classmates, our plans for girl’s night tomorrow since it was her night off at the hospital.
It was strange to have so much hidden information at the tip of my tongue without being able to share it with her. She was always there for me when I had questions about life—on the rare occasions they came up—but now I had secrets, things I knew but just couldn’t tell her.
I didn’t like it. It felt wrong, like I was being dishonest. Yet it would feel just as wrong to tell her too. Keeping secrets was stressful.
Mom pulled the car up our driveway. I was glad Heather would be over in less than an hour. Keeping my day full of distractions was working fairly well to keep my mind off of
him
. Of course that didn’t keep me from glancing in my bag every few minutes at my diary in hopes the purple rhinestone would be lit.
“There’s a little surprise for you in the living room,” Mom said as the car idled. “It’s a welcome home gift.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said with pleasant surprise.
“You’re gonna love it.” She looked at the clock and sighed. “I wish I could come watch your face when you see it, but I’m already running late.”
“I can wait until you’re home to open it if you want.”
She made a pouty gesture with her lip. “Oh, it will just take a minute,” she said eagerly, changing her mind. She leapt out of the car.
I followed behind as she pranced up the sidewalk and unlocked the door. I pictured a brightly wrapped box on the coffee table filled with a new blouse or a cute pair of shoes. The door swung open and I realized I was way off.