Living with Branch made me realize I’d lost any chance of being a normal person. That’s what happens when you’re abused by your spouse. You start to feel like you deserve it. My entire life when I heard about women being abused I would get so angry with them. I couldn’t understand why they would stay with a man who beat them. How could they not tell someone or kill the bastard in his sleep? They had no excuse. I couldn’t even say how many times I told someone that if a man ever hit me, I’d run him over with my car. I believed that’s what I would do. I honestly believed that I would never be one of
those
women. God, how could I have been so wrong?
From the day I married Branch I started to believe that I was stuck in the life I was destined to live. Obviously I deserved it, or I wouldn’t be living it.
On our fifth anniversary Branch called me from work and told me we were going out. That was something we just didn’t do.
“I want you to dress up and be ready to go when I get home from work.” He actually sounded like he used to. Before we got married. Back when he was trying to make me believe I was special and he loved me.
“Where are we going?” I normally wouldn’t have asked him a question, but I wasn’t sure what he meant by “dress up” and I didn’t want to make him angry by wearing the wrong kind of clothes.
“For Gods sake, just wear a fuckin’ dress. Shit!” He slammed the phone down so hard that I dropped my phone.
As was the norm, I did what I was told. The only dressy dress I owned was a short black dress. It was cut to the middle of my back and had a modest dip in the front. My red hair was hanging in curls down my back and I wore my signature gold dragonfly clips in the front. I still had the remnants of a bruise on my neck from where he had choked me the week before, so I had to put a little foundation there to cover up the finger marks.
He got home right on time. When he walked into the bedroom he whistled. “Damn woman. You clean up pretty good.” Then he walked over toward me and kissed me. I could taste the whiskey on his breath.
“You been drinking?” I asked, knowing the answer. He just shook his head and laughed at me.
“I’m gonna change my clothes then we’ll get goin’.” He changed into black jeans and a gray and black western button-up shirt. It was really too bad that he was insane, because he was quite handsome. If I didn’t know he was coping-crazy, I would think I’d won the husband lottery. But I knew better, all I had won was the crazy lottery.
We got in his truck and drove to the local bar. Apparently, he wasn’t done drinking for the night. I could already tell this was going to be a great anniversary.
The Rusty Beaver was a little hole in the wall dive bar. It was dark, dingy, and smelled like stale cigarettes. You had to actually walk down into the bar, because it kinda sat down in a hill. When you walked in there were three pool tables to your left, right past them were the bathrooms. To the right there was an old oak bar with several old barstools covered in dark green pleather-like material. In the middle of the bar there were about ten old oak tables. There was a little stage over by the bar and a very small dance floor right in front of it. The walls were lined with posters of old country artists and the bar was decorated with bottle caps. Classy place.
The place was always packed. I never understood the allure. I could only assume it had more to do with it being the only bar in town than with the ambiance. My dad always said, “Open a bar anywhere, and they will come.” I had to agree with him on this.
Branch pulled us over to the bar and ordered a couple of beers and two shots of tequila. I really didn’t like to drink, but I was gonna need a boost to get me through this night.
We did the shots and Branch started swigging his beer. I was still waiting for the burn to go away from the damn tequila.
“I wanna dance,” he said as he grabbed me and pulled me toward the dance floor. The band was playing
Stupid Boy
. I thought how perfect this song was for us. Talking about taking a girls dreams and knocking her down. How sad was it that the song that I related to my relationship with my husband was so depressing? But it really rang true to us and the way I felt about us. It was almost over when we got on the dance floor.
Even though Branch holding me close during a slow song kinda made me nauseous, it was still better than him bumping and grinding all over me to a fast song. Just as I was thinking that, the song ended and they started playing
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
. Branch grabbed my hips and started grinding into me as hard as he could. Then he reached his hand up behind me and worked it into my hair. He grabbed hold and whispered in my ear, “Dance with me, baby.” Then he pulled my hair so hard that my head snapped back. There were those crazy eyes again. Those big blue eyes that at one time excited me, now put the fear of God into me.
He finally let go of my hair and dropped both arms down until his hands were cupping my ass. He squeezed and I couldn’t hold in the cringe and the scowl on my face. “This ass is mine. I own it and tonight I’m gonna fuck it. Only me...always.” The look on his face scared me.
I had hoped for a fun night out...maybe a night where he would lean more toward the coping side of coping-crazy...but no such luck. He was completely on the crazy side tonight.
I looked up. Just as quickly as I’d done it, I wished I hadn't. Those piercing green eyes that I’d loved my entire life were staring at me from across the bar. Cade was here and of course he wasn’t alone. He had some little blonde chick hanging all over him, but he couldn’t pull his eyes away from me. I watched as his eyes finally left mine and went to where Branch’s hands were still grabbing my ass. Branch was rubbing all over me, kissing my neck, and he had worked one leg in between mine where it looked like I was humping him on the dance floor.
Cade looked absolutely disgusted. I couldn’t stand to see that look on his face. I whispered in Branch’s ear, “Can we please go home? I’ll make you very happy - I promise. Just take me home.”
“I’m not done drinkin’, baby. I’ll let you know when it’s time to go home. Got it?” he hissed as his hand left my ass and found my hair again. He pulled my head back hard and started biting at my neck. I tried to find those green eyes again, to find the man who had always held my heart in his hands and protected me, but Cade was gone.
Cade~
That fuckin’ bastard. Goddamn, he was practically screwin’ her on the dance floor. Couldn’t he fuckin’ tell that he was embarrassin’ her? Couldn’t he tell that she didn’t want him to do that? I hated that fuckin’ asshole. I grabbed Alison and told her I needed some fresh air. She was more than happy to oblige my request - hell, she’d oblige any request I made.
We walked out the door and climbed up the ramp to the street in front of the bar. I took her hand and pulled her over to the alley that ran alongside the bar. She dropped right to her knees and unzipped my pants. God, she was amazin’, but no matter what her mouth was doin’ to cowboy, all I could think about was Suzy Q and that asshole manhandling her on the dance floor. I had to remind myself again, like I had to do every day, he was her husband and he had every right to do that. What I never would understand was how she could let him do it.
Alison did not embarrass easily. I didn’t have to worry about her being embarrassed when I pushed her up against the wall and lifted her skirt up her hips. I slid my hand into her warm, wet pussy and she screamed, “Fuck me, Cade. Please fuck me.” Who was I to deny a woman beggin’ for it? I needed this and she sure as hell wasn’t complainin’.
“Yes, ma’am.” I slipped inside so easily and plunged into her over and over until I was howlin’ at the moon like a wild fuckin’ animal. I laid my forehead against hers and when I opened my eyes what I was lookin’ for just wasn’t there. I don’t know what the hell I was tryin’ to find, but none of the chicks I’d been screwin’ had it. That was bullshit. I knew what I was lookin’ for. I was lookin’ for those big brown whiskey colored eyes. I was lookin’ for the face that I’d made come when I was sixteen years old. Every damn time I waited to see that look and those eyes, but that wasn’t gonna happen again. Somethin’ was seriously wrong with me. I’d been in love with that girl since we were kids, and I let her marry that fuckin’ prick.
When Alison and me were done I zipped up and she put her dress back in place. We went inside to have another drink before we went our separate ways. That was the best part about Alison, she never expected anything more than sex from me. She knew how it went- great sex and then we both slept the night away in our own beds.
We walked in and took our seats back at the bar. I scanned the room for those eyes I was missin’, but they were gone. I guessed Branch had taken his wife home. They were probably already in bed. As sick as it made me to think about him touching her, I was glad they were gone and I didn’t have to watch him doin’ it.
Suzanna~
I watched Cade walk outside with his arm around the blonde. I knew where he was taking her and what they were going to do. I knew how amazing Cade’s mouth felt all over me. Suddenly, all I could think about was the time I’d spent with Cade inside me. I don’t know what came over me, but I knew I couldn’t have the man I dreamed about, so I did the only thing I could. I kissed Branch. I kissed him with everything in me...and the funniest thing happened while I was kissing him. I quit seeing him standing in front of me. I closed my eyes and imagined it was Cade. When I looked into his eyes, I didn’t see that crazy cold blue eyed stare, I saw those icy green deep soul searching eyes. I could look into those eyes all damn night.
“I’m ready. Let’s go home,” he whispered in my ear as he grabbed my purse and placed his hand on my lower back to lead me to the truck. While we were walking to the truck I saw movement in the alley and I wish I hadn’t looked.
God, why did I look?
I saw Cade pushing the blonde up against the wall and fucking her hard. I reached over and rubbed Branch through his pants. “Hurry up and get us home.” I wanted Cade, but I was gonna have to pretend. I was gonna have to make myself believe that this monster beside me, was the person I wanted to be with. I deserved one night of happiness during our marriage right?
That was the night that I got pregnant with my daughter, Isabella. I could never say she wasn’t made with love. It just wasn’t love between her mother and her father. It was love between her mother and the man that she called her Uncle Cade. That night was beautiful, because I didn’t spend the night with the coping-crazy monster. I spent the night with my best friend, at least in my mind I did.
~Chapter 11~
Two Years Later
(Before the cattle sale where Cade met Loralei Harper)
Suzanna~
Every year there was a huge cattle sale in Joplin. Cade always went alone. I’d wanted to go with him, but Branch wouldn’t allow it. I was lucky that he allowed me to work at Walker Ranch. He was always threatening me with making me quit, but I tried to do everything else he asked of me so I could keep my job.
I was pretty sure Cade enjoyed going to the sale alone anyway. I’m sure he didn’t have a problem finding lots of lovely women to share his time while he was there. Finding female companionship had never been a problem for Cade Walker. Over the years it had been difficult to watch, but I told myself that I wanted him to find a woman to spend forever with. A woman to bring that look to his face that I was lucky enough to see once in a while. Since he only loved me like a sister, I couldn’t even imagine what that look would exude if he actually loved the person like a soul mate. The woman might not survive it.
“So, I’m leavin’ out tomorrow for Joplin. Sure you won’t go with me this year, Suzy Q?” Cade shot me that shit-eating grin.
“You know I’d love to, but we both know it ain’t gonna happen. Branch would never allow me to go off with you for a weekend.” Or anyone else for that matter. Branch barely let me out of his sight these days. It had always been bad, but he had become really possessive over the past couple of years.
“I guess I’ll just have to do my best to entertain myself.” He was giving me that grin that could melt a woman’s panties in about five-seconds flat.
“I’m sure you won’t have a problem finding some girl or girls to entertain you.” I was giving him my best “mother” face. I wanted to explain to him that sex wasn’t gonna help him, that he needed love. But I decided it wasn’t worth trying to explain it. If he found love, I’d be happy. Well, I’d try to be happy for him. It wasn’t like he tried very hard to be happy for me, but why would he? I wasn’t even happy for me.
“Hon, that definitely won’t be a problem.” He took off his hat and sat down on the couch across from me. “So how are the books lookin’? How much money can I spend this weekend?”
“Well, the books look great. The ranch has been balanced for years. Just like the last few years, you have an open-ended budget. I wouldn’t blow it all on one farm, but get us the best you can.”
“The herd to buy this year is from Cattleman Farms. I’ve talked to George Davidson from there a couple a times, and I think we have a good chance of pickin’ up most of his herd. He seems like the kinda guy I’d like to work with.”
When Cade talked about business, he was all business. Walker Ranch meant everything to him. You could see the pride on his face every time he talked about the ranch. His parents passing almost killed him. He had some really dark days, but he had overcome that, mostly, and built Walker Ranch into something even bigger than his dad had done before him.
“I know you’ll do what’s best for the ranch, Cade. You always do.” I glanced over at him and smiled shyly, and then I went back to combing through the budget for this year.
He stood up, grabbed his hat, and started for the door of my office. “I better go pack my shit up for the weekend. Hope you have a good one, Suzy Q.” Those green eyes of his caught mine and he gave me a tight-lipped smile. He looked sad, but maybe I was just over thinking it.