Diary of the Pirate Killer (3 page)

11/1/08- I don’t really have much to say other than a rant I have.

Why is it that in nearly every movie, no one can ever hit what they’re shooting at?!  Especially cops.  I swear, you would think law enforcement officers are given weapons without any training.  Out of a hundred shots, they will be lucky to hit one.  It just really bugs me.  I guess I don’t have anything else to talk about.

11/2/08- I called into work today.  I know I’m going to get crap for it, especially since Ben took the day off, but I honestly don’t care.  Screw the department.  I don’t care if they are short handed.  This entire ordeal, everything that has happened over the last four months, has been on them.  It’s that stupid rule that did it.  I know in my heart that if it hadn’t been there and Justin and I were allowed to be open about our relationship, I would have been able to gather the support needed to push Justin into having the surgery instead of putting it off.  He wouldn’t be dead now if it weren’t for their need to try and control our lives as much as they can.

I’m getting off topic, though.  I’ve been drinking since noon, so I’m finding it a little hard to actually stay focused.  Today is Justin’s birthday.  He would have been thirty-six.  I just couldn’t face anyone.  I couldn’t walk into that building and pretend that everything was all right; not today.  There’s no doubt in my mind that I would have snapped the first time anyone even spoke to me.  I just told them I was sick,
then turned off my phone so they couldn’t try to call me in anyway.

I considered baking a cake to mark the day, but I couldn’t.  The thought of eating it alone only made the knife in my heart twist harder.  So instead, I’m going to see just how many bottles of wine I can finish before I pass out.  I have a feeling I’m going to be feeling more than just my sorrow tomorrow.  Hey, that rhymed.  Well, back to
my boozing.  The words on my page are starting to blur.  That’s such an unusual word... blur.

11/6/08- I’m so incredibly hungover today.  I went out for drinks with Joy after work and took shots until I could barely stand.  She ended up leaving with some guy she met, after trying very hard to get me to go home with his friend.  I put on a good show with her and flirted my way through the conversation until she left.  I was glad when she did, though.  The entire thing made me pretty uncomfortable.  I felt like I was cheating on Justin.  I know it sounds silly, but I can’t help it.

On another note, Ben actually talked to me today.  It wasn’t much, he just said hi when he walked in.  It’s more than I’ve really gotten since Justin left us, though.  That was pretty much the extent of our communication.  He didn’t even really look at me for the rest of the day.  I’m actually looking forward to him going to that conference next week.  It will be nice not to have to deal with the cold looks he gives me.

Erg, my head is killing me.  It’s actually to the point of overpowering the dread I had from being at work today.  It was almost bearable... almost.  Joy walked in wearing a variation of the same outfit she had on last night.  The only thing she did was exchange the jacket she wore yesterday with her lab coat.  I’m guessing she didn’t make it home at all.  Those days were definitely fun, but I can’t say I miss them.  Sure, there was excitement in sampling the different styles men had, but there is nothing like being with a man you truly love.  Our souls connected when we were together.  Being with a random person wouldn’t even come close to reaching the same level of connection or emotion.  The thought of it leaves me with mixed feelings.  My heart warms when I think about the two of us entangled in the sheets on my bed, but at the same time, I’m sad.  I’ll never have that again.  Without Justin, I’ll never have that love or connection.  It’s heartbreaking.  I don’t even have the desire to be with another man.  I just want my Justin back.  I want to wake up to find that the past several months have just been a horrible dream I’ve been struggling to wake from.  I’m going to go to sleep now... hopefully that’s exactly what I’ll find tomorrow when I wake up.

11/14/08- Man, I spent all day in a rundown convenience store working amidst a nasty smell.  The owner, his wife, and their two adult children were apparently killed three or four days before, and the guy responsible locked up before leaving.  It wasn’t until the smell started to seep out of the locked doors that anyone knew anything was wrong other than it just being closed.  It was so gross.  The killer also went through the entire place and smashed nearly everything.  Even with three techs out working the scene, it still took us six hours to get everything processed.  I want to strangle the guy responsible just for the mess that he made.  I’ve never had to do so much work at a scene before.

I’ve already taken two showers, but I feel like I need another one.  I didn’t even process anything around the body, but I could feel their ick floating around me.  I think I’m going to go take another one.

11/16/08- I drove back out to the cabin today.  I know it was risky, but I couldn’t help myself.  I had a dream about John, and I had this intense feeling when I woke up that I should go back out there.

With as much time that has past and the fact that the case is now completely cold, my nerves have almost completely settled.  Now all I feel when I think about John is sadness.  Not so much that he’s gone, but because spending time with him was different than anyone else I’ve been around since Justin left me.  I wish he didn’t die, because I want him to still be here for me.

That makes me sound like a complete bitch.  I know it does.  I don’t really care, though.  Honestly, I’m a little surprised that I don’t care.  Both about not really caring about the fact that he died and for not caring that it makes me a super bitch.  All the anger I still have because of Justin’s death has me numb to other feelings.  I’m not too worried about it.  I’m sure it will eventually pass.

I will say that it was nice to be back at the cabin today.  I went down to the basement and sat in the chair I placed in the corner of the room I built for John.  I just stared at the bed for an hour before walking through the rest of the house.  I’m sad that I had to give up on the idea of buying the place.  There are so many memories between those walls.  Justin and I had some of our best times there.  The thought of having to avoid it because of the risk is saddening.  I guess that’s part of the reason it was so nice having John here.  I felt Justin when I was there with him.  If I believed in ghosts, I would think that he was there with us.  Though I was still reminded of him. When I went back today, it just wasn’t the same.  I couldn’t actually feel him.

Well, I’m off to the bar.  I’ll write more about it later.

11/17/08- I’ve really been missing John today.  I miss having him to talk to and the way I felt when I was with him.  I guess that sounds a little bad.  It’s really the way I could feel Justin when I was around him.  I didn’t want to believe it at first, but the more I think about it, the more certain I am.  He was there with me.  I could feel him and it was amazing.  I never
thought I would feel that again, but having John there did it.  He brought Justin back to me!

11/21/08- I had a dream about my dad last night.  We were in that old study of his.  He was looking into John Shearhart’s murder and wanted to play spitball with me to solve it.  I went along with it but woke up when he started to get close.  The dream left me pretty shaken, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him all day.  I pulled out his case file and spent the day looking over it.

I still can’t believe that after all this time, they’re still no closer to finding out who killed him.  I had always heard that cops didn’t stop until they tracked down the killer of one of their own.  I mean, how does someone shoot a cop on the streets and get away with it.

I’m going to see if I can find anything new from the evidence when I go back to work on Monday.  It’s been a couple years since I ran everything.  With the new advances since then, hopefully I can find something new.

I’m going to find the person responsible.  I’m going to make them pay.

11/27/08- Today’s Thanksgiving.  At least it was quiet in the lab today.  Ben and I are the only people who don’t have families, so we were the only ones working.  He’s started talking to me again.  I don’t know if it was just because we were alone and he didn’t have anyone to talk to or if he’s done being angry with me.  I still don’t know what I did wrong.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Justin today.  All I can think about it that big dinner he made last year.  He was so sick but that didn’t stop him.  Even to this day, it was the best dinner I’ve ever had. 

I miss him so much.  I want him back so bad that it hurts.  I see him everywhere I look.  I was able to get him back, I know that now.  That man, John Shearhart, he was a vessel.  The time he was with me at the
cabin... I can’t explain it.  I had Justin back.  His soul moved into him.  He was with me again.  We were together.

12/1/08- I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the vessel from August.  I had my Justin back, even if it was for only a week.  A week is better than not at all.  I have to have him again.  It worked the first time, it should work again. I think my best chance is to make sure everything is the same as before.  Well, I just got paged to go in.  More on this later.

12/2/08- I have to try this again.  I know that if I do, there’s a chance I can get him back for good.  He was there with me.  Maybe he’ll grow stronger the longer I can keep him here.  I would be letting him down if I didn’t at least try.  If he comes back and he feels stronger, then I’ll know I’m making the right choice.  I’m too excited to write anymore right now.  This will work!  I’m going to have him with me again!

12/3/08- Work wasn’t too bad today.  I guess thinking about having Justin back with me again kept me distracted enough not to think about it.  The stuff I was processing was pretty dull, too.  I didn’t really have to concentrate much on it.  It was some cold case Detective Tylers asked me to go over again.  Basically I just combed over the shirt of a murder victim and looked for anything that can be run for DNA.

I’ve got these spots on my fingers that are really bugging me.  They feel like splinters, but they aren’t.  First I had one on the tip of my thumb, then a few days later I found two on my ring finger.  Today I found another one on my other ring finger.  I don’t know what they are, but they are getting really annoying.  I squeezed the one I found today, but
there isn’t anything in it.  Some fluid came out, but that was it.  Now it just hurts.

On another note, I saw a guy in my building today that has hair that reminds me of Justin’s.  This guy’s is much longer, but it’s the same thickness and color.  I imagine it’s the way Justin’s would have looked it he had grown it out.  He also has the same shaped face.  I had to fight off the urge to grab him.  It would have been a really stupid move.  Not only is he too close to me to take the chance, the building has cameras everywhere.  There’s no way I would have been able to get away with it.  Too bad, though.  I think he would have made a perfect vessel to hold Justin’s soul.

12/8/08- Dr. Gamboa told me today that I’m starting to look much better.  He told me I seem happier than he’s seen me.  That’s because I am!  I didn’t think it was possible, but I am truly happy.  I know why it is.  It’s because I know I will see Justin again.  I will get to hold him again as soon as I get everything worked out.  Part of me just wants to go now and try with the first man I see.  I don’t want to risk it, though.  If I get him the wrong person, it might close the connection forever.  I have to do it right.  Until I figure out exactly the best way to go about it, I’m just counting the days.  I know it won’t be long now.  I can feel him calling to me.  He’s ready.

12/9/08- I know what I have to do!  It was so simple.  I don’t know why it took me so long to come to it.  The first vessel not only reminded me of Justin, he was someone I had a connection to.  I have to find that
connection again.  It will be the only way that it will be strong enough to work. 

So
here are the rules of the game...

1) I’m going to start looking through my past cases to find men that have something in common with Justin.  It worked the first time, so it should work again.

2) I need to make sure that everything is the same as before.  If I change anything, it might shut off the connection.  That means I need to not only handle the scene the same, but I need to make sure everything is exactly like it was once I have him.

3) As hard as it’s going to be, I need to make it appear that I’m back to my old self.  That means flirting with men at the bar and making it look like I don’t have a care in the world.  It’s not going to be fun, but it will be necessary, especially when it comes to Ben.  He has to think that I’ve moved on.

4) I will have to monitor everything as far as the investigations go.  I can’t risk being found before everything is done or it will have all been for nothing.

So that’s what I have so far.  I’ve been trying to think back to the cases that I’ve worked, and I have a few possible men in mind.  I won’t know if they will work until I track them down, though. 

Well, I’m supposed to go to the bar tonight with Joy.  I REALLY don’t want to, but I guess I don’t have much of a choice.

12/12/08- Well it was easier than I thought to get the files without anyone noticing.  I sifted through everything I’ve working in the last few years and have a handful of possible vessels.  I’ve been stuck at work the past couple days, but luckily it’s the weekend so I will have a little time to look into things. 

On another note, Ben asked if I wanted to spend Christmas together this year.  I wish I could tell him what I’m doing.  I know he would be just as excited to see Justin again.  It’s better if I wait, though.  He wouldn't believe it if he couldn’t actually see it.  With his strong sense of ethics, I know he would end up turning me in before I could prove it to him.  More than just that, he’s not strong enough to do what needs to be done.  He’ll understand when it’s all over.  The sacrifice must be made.  Justin’s soul must grow stronger before it’s ready to cross over permanently.

12/13/08- I found three men that will work.  I don’t yet know which one it will be, but Justin will tell me.  I know he will. Gotta run!

12/16/08- I saw Dr. Gamboa yesterday.  He said he’s impressed with how well I’ve been doing.  We talked about the effect the department had on Justin’s death.  He just didn’t get it.  He said that the only thing to blame was the cancer that took him to me.  I tried to get him to understand, but it was no use.  I will have to show him.  I will have to show everyone the damage that the department does.  They can’t just go on without being punished.  I will make everyone see.

When the people of Addison Valley see the department can’t protect them, they will start to see if for what it is.  Time for work.  I really don’t want to go.

12/18/08- So I’ve been combing over maps all morning, looking for the perfect place to leave the bodies.  I want to make sure they are found, but not too quickly.  In the event that I make a mistake, which I seriously doubt I will, I would rather the elements have enough time to destroy any evidence that could be left on them.

I also want to make sure that they will be found by the citizens of Addison Valley instead of the police.  They will try to downplay the situation.  I need people to understand that the department is causing more problems than anything else.  They need to see that this whole event is their fault.  That can’t happen if they don’t see the results first hand.

I’m going to show the people the flaws in the system.  I’m going to show them that the department is hurting people and needs to be held accountable.  I wouldn’t have to take these steps to get my Justin back if they hadn’t caused his death. 

So I need to find out where I’m going to leave him after my work with him is done.  That way I’m not scrambling to find a place after the process is complete.  I also still haven’t decided on the right guy.  I don’t want to make a mistake.  It has to be perfect.  I just don’t know which one to choose.  I thought it would have been easy to narrow it down, but I can’t.  Each man has his own attributes that I’m looking for, but I don’t know which one to pick.  It might not work if I take the wrong one.  I’m not going to lie... the whole thing has me a little anxious.  Well, I’m going to go out and see if someone stands out.

12/19/08- I know which one it will be!  Justin told me.  I wanted to take him right there, but I knew I had to wait.  If I don’t show up to the Christmas party tonight, people will start to wonder.  In all the time I’ve worked for the department, I’ve never missed a party.  If the first one happened to be the same day that another man was taken, people would put things together really fast.  It was SO hard not to grab him, though.  I could feel Justin pulling me toward him.  He’s just as excited as I am.  He’ll understand me being cautious, though.  I know he wouldn’t want me to be found out.  More than anything, I have to make sure I have enough time to complete the process.  I should have continued what I started in August instead of waiting this long.  I wasted so much time.  I blame myself.  My grief was too strong for me to see the truth of the situation.  I see it all clearly now.  It’s only a matter of days now before I have him back with me again.

12/23/08
- The Christmas party was actually pretty fun.  The bar was closed to anyone not with the department, which was probably a good idea.  Everyone was pretty sloshed by the time it ended.  I had to practically carry Joy back to her place before heading home myself.  I’m glad I went.  I actually had a pretty good time.  I can’t believe Christmas is only a few days away.  I think Justin was planning on proposing on Christmas morning.  I found a ring and a box shaped like an ornament in his stuff.  I nearly lost it when I found it.  It made it even harder to deal with at the time.  Since I told Dr. Gamboa we were already married, I had to keep it entirely to myself.  Ben was the only other person I really talk to who knew we were together, but I couldn’t tell him.  Justin hadn’t updated his will, so Ben got everything.  I didn’t want him to take the ring from me, so I didn’t tell him about it.  It doesn’t make me sad anymore, though.  Knowing that I will have Justin back soon means we can start moving forward with our wedding plans.  I know we’ve both always wanted a yearlong engagement, so I need to make sure I can complete the process before then.

I walked by that dress shop on Maple today.  If I hadn’t been in a hurry, I would have stopped in.  I have the perfect dress is mind.  I can’t wait to get in and try it on. 

Instead, I spent my lunch break watching the next man.  His name is Adam Pillet.  He’s around the same age as Justin and has the same body.  He is a little shorter, though.  His hair’s also red, but that won’t matter once I shave it.

He witnessed a man snatching a woman’s purse a few months back and ran the guy down.  The guy ended up getting free and getting away, but he did get the purse back.  I remember actually being impressed when I was processing him for evidence.

I’m still trying to figure out the best way to grab him.  I can’t really do it like I did last time.  I also don’t have the strength to overpower him.  I need to figure out a way to lure him out from sight and to my car.  I did get an idea from a show I was watching last week.  This guy used a tranquilizer of some sorts and injected his victims with it.  If I can get my hands on something like that, it would be a perfect solution.  Then all I will need to do is convince the guys to go with me to my car and I can inject them and push them into the trunk.  That way I don’t risk hitting them in the wrong spot and killing them before they’re useful.  I’m actually going to look into that right now.  Hopefully it won’t be too hard to get a hold of.  If it is, I could always use a taser.  That just seems a little extreme, though. 

12/24/08- Okay, so I think I found the right thing.  There is an animal tranquilizer that should work.  I just need to get into the vet’s office and take it without anyone noticing it’s missing.  I was considering paying off the kid who works there, but that wouldn’t work.  In the chance that someone starts looking into it, I don’t want someone to be able to identify me.  I think I’m going to need to just sneak in and take it.  Luckily, there isn’t an alarm on the building.  I remember from a case we had out there a couple years ago that there was a camera, but only in the front.  I just need to get in through the back.  I’m going to go out tonight and see if I can get in.  Hopefully it won’t be too difficult.  I really don’t want anyone to know that I went in at all.  Well, I need to get myself prepared.

11:45 PM- That didn’t go as planned at all!  Apparently they put in an alarm since I was out there last.  I was able to get the window open without any problem, but as soon as I climbed in, it went off.  After that, I panicked.  I grabbed the vial from the cabinet, which surprisingly wasn’t locked, then let a cat out before leaving.  Hopefully they will just think the cat set off the alarm.  I’m on call tonight, so it won’t be long before I hear.  I’m actually surprised I haven’t gotten a call yet.  I’m also shocked I didn’t hear sirens when I was on my way out.  The alarm must not be hooked up to the system.  Hopefully the owner will go in to check it out and just think they forgot to shut the cage.

12/25/08- Merry Christmas!  That call never came in last night, so it looks like they didn’t think anyone actually broke in.  I only grabbed one vial, because I didn’t want it to be noticeable that it was missing.  Hopefully it will be enough to last me a while.  I need enough to knock them out when taking them, then a dose for when I remove the legs.  I was also able to get a good supply of antibiotics from a clinic a few counties over.  It’s one of those free clinics that are always over crowded.  I went in claiming a migraine and grabbed a few vials when no one was looking.  That should give me everything that I will need.  I’m going to go back out to the cabin today and make sure everything is set up and ready.  If all goes as planned, tomorrow will be the day.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  When I woke up this morning, I literally jumped out of bed.  This is going to be so great.  I can’t believe I’m going to have him back.