Diary of the Pirate Killer (7 page)

Eh, I know I have more to say, but I really don’t feel like writing right now.  I think I’m just going to head back out to the cabin and spend the rest of the evening with Justin.  I’ve been asked to go out to the bar tonight, and although I know it would be good for my cover, I really just want to see him.

3/11/09- I left work a little early today and came out to the cabin.  I just wanted to talk to Justin.  He was much more relaxed and open to talking today.  I guess he got over the notion that I’m not doing the right thing.

We talked about the case for a bit, then talked about Ben.  I told him about him doing well emotionally, but he agrees that it’s time for Ben to find a girl.  He said that I was right in thinking that he’s been alone for too long, and he would be much happier if he had a good woman in his life.  We talked about putting him on an online dating site, but he said that just didn’t sound like Ben.  I have to agree with him.  I think Ben would actually get pretty annoyed with us if we put him on one.  We decided that it would be best to try to arrange a casual meeting with a nice girl when we go out to the bar sometime.  After that, we spent an hour talking about the type of girl we should try to hook him up with.  He seemed a little funny talking about it.  I think he just doesn’t like the idea of meddling in his brother’s life.  He’s going to have to get over it.  When we get married, Ben is going to be my family, too.  I want to make sure he’s happy.  I’m going to do what I need to do to make him happy.

On another note, I can’t bring myself to tell Justin that I’m using Ben as a cover in case this goes wrong.  He would never let it happen.  He would rather stay dead than risk anything happening to his brother.  I don’t even think he would listen to me when I explained that he would never be convicted of anything.  I would rather just not give him anything else to worry about.  He needs to concentrate on getting stronger, and we can deal with all of that if the time comes.  I’m still hoping that I can make it through the entire process without anyone at the station even starting to look in my direction.  If it comes down to Ben or Justin, though, I’m going to do everything I can to have Justin back. 
Even if it means Ben taking the fall.

3/12/09- I had to buy the groceries for the meal at two different places today.  Detective Wilcome has them out looking for anyone who bought the ingredients for the meal, so I didn’t want to take any chances.  I have way too much food right now.  I didn’t want to just buy what I needed, so I ended up with two full baskets of groceries.  I think I will have a party this weekend.  I’m going to need to do something, because there’s no way that I will ever be able to eat all of this before it goes bad.

Well, heading out to the cabin to get everything ready for tomorrow.  Luckily, I don’t have to be in until four, so I will have plenty of time to finish the last step before going in.  I don’t really like leaving the pieces here while I go to work, then coming back out just to dispose of them later.

3/13/09- Lunch went smooth.  He was a little withdrawn, but I think he just knew that it was because he would have to leave the vessel.  It can’t be easy for him to know that he will have to leave for weeks at a time.  I know that he can still see us during that time, but he can’t interact with anyone.  It’s hard for me, but it must be ten times as hard for him.

The disposal went smooth, also.  And it only took me half as long to cut up the body as it did last time.  I managed to get everything done and scatter the pieces in the campsite before heading into work.  I was even early.  Well, I’m a little down since he’s gone again, so I’m going to go out for a drink.  I imagine everyone will be at the bar tonight.

3/31/09- It’s been a while since I wrote.  Nothing much of significance has happened.  I’ve been searching through my files trying to find the right guy to be the next vessel.  I’ve followed a few, but none of them are right.  I can tell by looking at them that they either aren’t going to work or that they aren’t quite ready yet.  I keep hoping Justin will tell me that one of them will be good enough, but he hasn’t.

The station has been pretty quiet.  Ben’s gone again.  This time he has back to back speaking arrangements, so the entire trip will be over a week.  I’m just glad it doesn’t conflict with my schedule.  I would hate not to be able to take the next vessel because he was out of town.  That is if I can even find someone.  I was considering venturing out from men I’ve crossed paths with at the station, but I decided against it for two reasons.  The first is because I don’t want to make a change and risk it causing the process to stop working.  Second, I want to make sure that the department can be blamed for each and every one of them. I’ve also considering targeting a man and doing something that would cause him to call the police, but I think that would be too much of a risk.  I’m just going to have to wait and hope I can find someone.  If not, I may have to do something more drastic.

4/3/09- I still haven’t found the right man.  I’ve gone through every case I’ve worked twice, and have been through the list I made of possible men a dozen times.  No one is going to work.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I need a drink.

4/5/09- I’m starting to freak out.  It’s getting close to time and I still haven’t found anyone.  I think I’m actually on the verge of a panic attack right now.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I never considered when I started this that I might not be able to find the right guy.  I haven’t been able to talk to Justin to find out what he wants me to do.  Am I just supposed to pick a guy off the list even if Justin hasn’t told me that he’s the right one?  Will it still work if I do that?  I just wish he would tell me what to do.  I haven’t been able to stop crying.  I don’t want to make the wrong decision and mess this all up.  Oh, I just don’t know what to do.

4/6/09- I really hate that I have to go to that damn place nearly every day.  If I could quit, I would.  The only reason I’m still there is so I can keep an eye on the investigation.  I would much rather know exactly what they’re thinking so I can adjust things as needed.  If the investigation does start to shift toward my direction, it should at least give me enough time to go into hiding until the process is complete.  While it would be crazy difficult to take another man after that, it wouldn’t be impossible.  I don’t like thinking about it, and I don’t really think there is a possibility that it could happen, but it’s better that I’m at least prepared in case it does.

I still haven’t found the right man.  I’m seriously considering attacking a man while in disguise so I will have someone who qualifies.  I was also considering taking the man upstairs, but that one would be too much of a risk.  He’s too close to me, not to mention the fact that he only leaves his place to go to school and out to the
bar with his girlfriend.  The building actually has a pretty good security system, so I wouldn’t be able to get him out of his place without someone knowing.  He is perfect, but I will have to wait until I’m nearing the end to take him.

4/8/09- I finally found someone!  Oh, I nearly fainted when I saw him at the scene I was called out to this morning.  He wasn’t a victim or a suspect, but he will work.  He actually witnessed a teenage girl get pushed from a car by her very pissed off boyfriend.  She wasn’t seriously injured, but I doubt she will keep him around.

Anyway, back to the important part.  He’s perfect.  I could see Justin around him as soon as I saw him.  I overheard him talking to the officer interviewing him.  He’s a vacationer.  He said that he’ll be in town for the next week, so I shouldn’t run into any problems.  I’m going to head over to the hotel he’s staying at tonight and see if I can get eyes on him.  Chances are he hasn’t heard anything about the murders, so it shouldn’t be as hard to keep an eye on him.

4/9/09- He has the same smile as Justin.  Not just a close one, but identical.  It melted my heart just to see it.  I only got to watch him for a little while today before going into work.  I heard him asking someone where some good antique stores
are for him to check out tomorrow, so hopefully it will give me a good opportunity to grab him.  I’m pretty much just going to be winging this one.

4/10/09- That couldn’t have been easier.  I parked in the alley behind a few stores and stopped him as he was walking down the street.  I told him I needed help loosening the lug nuts so I could change my tire.  I had the trunk open and when he started around to the other side, I drugged him and pushed him in.  It took me a few minutes to decide where to leave the card where I wouldn’t be seen but it would still be found.  I ended up leaving it under the windshield wiper of a delivery truck that was parked back there.  They must not have gone back out there for a while, because it was almost four hours before the call came in.  It gave me plenty of time to get him into the house.  I was actually nearly finished with the procedure when I was called in.  Because he was a tourist, they have no idea who was taken.  I don’t imagine that will happen again.  Even if I grab a man from another random spot, it won’t be long before people start to report them missing as soon as a report went out.  Detective Wilcome already issued a statement today, but none of the calls that came in were for the vessel.  I haven’t seen him with anyone, so I’m pretty sure he’s here alone.  Unless he’s got family somewhere that’s going to report him missing if he doesn’t check in, I doubt they will know who I have before his body is found.  It will be fun to watch them try, though.  I really wanted to get back out here quickly, but Detective Wilcome wouldn’t let anyone leave.  Every officer was out following up on the men that were reported as possible victims, and he had everyone in the lab going over every piece of evidence for the hundredth time.  It was ten when he finally let us all go.  I must say, he is really starting to look like horrible.  I don’t think he’s left the station in days.

Anyway, the vessel was looking pretty good when I got back.  He had no idea what was going on and was completely freaked because of his leg.  I almost felt bad for the guy.  He didn’t say a word as I told him that he picked the wrong city to visit.  I told him all about Justin and the men
that had been taken to help him come back.  I only lied about one thing.  I told him that the reason they died was because they wouldn’t comply with the process.  I didn’t want to lie to him, because I know how badly Justin hated lying and liars, but I thought it would be the best way to keep him calm.  The less he struggles, the easier it will be for Justin to enter him.  I didn’t push him to make sure he understood after I finished explaining everything, because I know he needs his rest.  I could tell that he does, though.  He sees the importance in what I’m doing, and understands that it needs to be done.  I could see it in his eyes.

The procedure itself went very well.  There was almost no bleeding this time.  Well, no excessive bleeding.  I’ve also gotten better with closing the stumps.  The first three I closed too tightly.  The last one was pretty good, but this one was much better.  I felt just enough skin to close it up.  If I didn’t have to kill him, it would actually be easy to fit for a prosthetic. Well, I should get some sleep.  I’m supposed to be off tomorrow, but I have a feeling Detective Wilcome will be requiring everyone to be in until his body is found.  I’m going to need to spend as much time with him as I can in the hours I’m not working.

4/11/09- I almost feel sorry for this vessel.  He has no idea what’s going on.  I think he was still a little too drugged when I talked to him yesterday, because he didn’t remember anything about what was going on.  I had to explain it to him all over again.  He even offered me money to let him go.  Apparently he is some rich man who was in town to look at some investment opportunities. 

He really had no idea what he was walking into when he came to Addison Valley.

Well, I was really hoping to have the day off today, but I have to go in.  Detective Wilcome has everyone working overtime just to try to identify who the latest vessel is.  From last I heard, they are still no closer.

I can’t believe he offered me money.  It would have been one thing if it was before I explained everything to him, but it was after I told him the reasons why I was doing this.  I don’t get what’s so hard about it.  He should have been jumping at the opportunity to sacrifice himself for someone as amazing as Justin.  More later... off to work.

4/12/09- Man, this vessel is a whiny one.  He spent all day complaining and crying.  Justin didn’t even have a chance to enter him until late in the evening.  I was annoyed to the point that I almost clobbered him just to get him to shut up.  I think Justin made a mistake in choosing this one.  He may look like him in a way, but their personalities are nothing alike.  The vessel just lost a leg... Justin was dying and he never once complained.  I don’t care how bad things got, he would have never whined the way this vessel does.

I was seriously considering just going out and grabbing another guy today.  I might have actually done it had I not thought that it would mess up the process.

My mood wasn’t improved after Justin was able to enter him.  I could tell when it happened.  The fight just left him and he just smiled up at me.  Then he said, “Hi, babe,” which made me almost melt.  After a little small talk, his demeanor changed.  He got more serious and turned into someone I didn’t like much.

He told me that I needed to stop this and that he was happy where he was.  He said that it was time that I moved on with my life and that I should just leave him where he is.  I tried to argue with him, but he seemed pretty persistent.  I don’t think
I’ve seen that look of determination on his face since the day he told me that he wasn’t getting the surgery.  We all know how that worked out for him.  I really want to respect his decisions, but I need to do what’s best for him.  I’m not going to sit back and let him be stubborn like he was before.  I’m not going to let him tell me that I shouldn’t do what I have to do to bring him back.  I don’t care if he spends the rest of his life angry with me because of it.  At least he will have a life.  I would gladly sacrifice the love that he has for me just to have him back.

It just annoys me that he keeps trying to talk me out of this.  Doesn’t he see that it’s the only
way?  The world is better with him in it.  These men are nothing compared to him.  Even more than that, he should understand that the department needs to face the punishment that is coming to them.  He should see more than anyone else that they need to be brought down.  They are to blame for his death.  They stopped us from being able to be open about the love we had for each other.  All they did was make things hard for us.

We should have been able to tell people about us.  If that stupid rule wasn’t in place, I could have just rallied everyone at the station and we could have forced him to get that stupid operation in the first place.  He might have lost his leg, but he would still be here.  We wouldn’t have lost these last nine months together.  And I hate it when he says stuff like this.  Why wouldn’t he want me to do everything I could to get him back?  I thought he loved me.  Why wouldn’t he want me to do what I could to bring him back so we could be together?  It hurts me.  It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him. 

I know that’s silly and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel.  If he really loved me as much as he said, he wouldn’t have left me in the first place.  He would have done everything he could to stay with me.  He knew the risks that came from not having the surgery, but he put it off anyway.  It was just a stupid leg!  Was I not worth more to him than that?  It’s not like it meant he would be unable to get around by himself forever.  After a few weeks, I’m sure he would have been able to walk around with a prosthetic.  He would have been just fine.  I know he would have!  It’s just not fair!

I feel so stupid for feeling like this, though.  I know he loves me, but I guess part of me feels like he would still be here if he loved me more.  Arg!  I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling so insecure.  My insides just tightened and did flips when he told me that today.  I wanted to throw up.  Part of me, a big part, knows that he’s just trying to look out for me.  I still can’t help but feel like he just doesn’t want to be with me, though.  Then when I start to think like that, I start to feel like a complete idiot.  I just really hate feeling like this.  I haven’t been so unsure or insecure since right after we started dating.  As much as I hate it, part of me hates him for making me feel like this.  I hate him for making me doubt the love he has for me, and I hate him for making me leave the room in tears today.  I haven’t even been able to gather the strength to go back in.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to tonight.  Maybe I’ll just go to the bar.

4/14/09- Ben was ridiculously grumpy today.  It was almost obnoxious.  I know he’s been taking a lot of crap from the chief and Detective Wilcome, but he doesn't need to be taking it out on everyone else.  I almost called him on it, but I thought it would just cause more drama.  I guess everyone is entitled to a bad day.  Things will be much easier for him when Justin is back.  Not just because the vessels will no longer be taken, but because he will have his big brother back to take care of him.

At least I got called out to a big break in today, so I was out of the station for most of the day.  It was a pretty nasty home invasion.  I know there has been a string of them lately, but this one was bad.  They waited until the homeowners were home before going in.  They beat them badly and left them tied up in the living room.  They were stuck there all night before a friend stopped in to pick the wife up for brunch.  They were still at the house this morning when I arrived.  Both of them looked pretty bad.  One of the wife’s eyes was completely swollen shut.  I’m actually amazed they hadn’t been beaten to death.  There wasn’t much left at the scene that will tell us who did it.  The power and phone lines had been cut, so the security system wasn’t working.  The house was completely trashed, but we weren’t able to pull any prints.  Well, we pulled a lot, but so far they all belong to the homeowners.  I don’t think we’re going to find anything useful.

Well, I’m going to head out to the cabin.  As annoyed as I still am with Justin for what he said a couple days ago, I know I only have a limited time to spend with him before his time with this vessel is over.  He was better yesterday, but he still seemed a little off.  I know this is all a lot for him to take in, but I just wish he would accept it.