Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (18 page)

But here’s where a couple of real-world issues come into play. If your situation makes it impossible for your child to be on breastmilk, then formula it is. Also, let’s face it: Mom has an awful lot of say in this decision. If she doesn’t want to breastfeed, for whatever reason, you’re going to have a tough time making her do differently. So unlike those at La Leche League or some extreme mothers who shoot disapproving looks as you make formula for your child at the mall, you won’t be judged on these pages. I can’t find any study that links all high achievers in their respective fields to having been raised on breastmilk. Another potential plus is that with formula feeding, Dad can be more involved so it’s not all on Mom. Here are some quick feeding tips:

• Newborns can only take maybe one or two ounces in a sitting. Their stomachs just aren’t that big.
  
• Baby can actually be overfed. The doctor may advise you that Junior has a “formula belly.” The signs are usually large amount of spit-up after feedings, and very frequent bowel movements.
  
• If your baby isn’t gaining enough weight or seems to cry frequently, you may want to try feeding smaller amounts more often throughout the day.
  

That’s really all you should need to know to get through this one. Oh, and if your BMP does decide to breastfeed, breast pumps cost about $200. Enjoy.

Believe it or not, some new fathers actually make mistakes. The usual mistakes men make are not knowing their own strength, overdressing for the occasion, and being too good at listening. But once you become a father, you may make additional mistakes. Because we’re not used to making these, I will cover some of them for you in hopes that I can help you avoid them:

• Being a know-it-all parent.
  Parenting styles are bound to be very different, and will in some bizarre way be based on the way you were raised and what you liked or hated about it. Because you and your BMP had different experiences, you’re going to have different opinions on how to handle certain situations, and different priorities. Taking a my-way-or-the-highway approach isn’t being a man, it’s somewhere between being insensitive and being a jerk. Since this isn’t something baby-less couples often discuss, you’re liable to walk right into this one.
  
• Going old-school.
  You know who you are. You’re this close to telling her to do chores and cook your dinner while wearing lingerie. You’re the man, and dammit, you will do what you want. This act gets old three times as fast if she’s working. And when I say three times as fast, I mean she gets sick of it in four minutes instead of the usual twelve.
  
• Ignoring Baby’s crying.
  Do you tell BMP to go make it stop, or let out a fake snoring sound? Always making her suffer through the middle-of-the-night baby duty, as Bryan Adams informs us, “cuts like a knife.” But in this particular instance the only person it “feels so right” for is you and your selfish but well-rested soul. These really difficult parenting jobs need to be shared, and discussed. Parents can go from super teammates, where they are happily shouldering the load, to pissed and bitter, where they think they’re being taken advantage of.
  
• Hooked on a feeling.
  How are you feeling, big fella? As I warned earlier, it’s important for both of you to check in and make sure there’s no depression creeping in. Men are especially guilty of not expressing themselves. If you have a bothersome thought roaming around that thick skull of yours, make sure you let it out. Don’t wait for her to see smoke rising off your head to realize you might actually be thinking.
  
• Master “listen versus fix.”
  Women are complex. Apparently they originally hailed from Venus. Sometimes they want you just to listen because they’re frustrated about an issue. Other times, they’re actually telling you to step in and fix their problem. Which is it? Just as women suffer from PMS, it says here we can begin to blame our confusion on our monthly bout with CMS, or Clueless Men’s Syndrome. If I solve this puzzle, I will be more in demand as a speaker than Jack Canfield at the Campbell’s soup corporate retreat. Until then, it’s an art form, and talking about it together is the best advice I have.
  

Grandparents and in-laws can be either a helpful resource or a cause of stress when it comes to their grandchildren. Grandparents, and grandmothers in particular, cannot resist a newborn baby and will throw themselves at your mercy to get some special time with their grandchild. These attempts to monopolize Junior will be craftily disguised as attempts to help out the overwhelmed new parents, who are still adjusting to the exhausting demands of parenthood.

It
sounds
like a selfless act of goodwill, but, in reality, Grandmother (and possibly Grandfather) is watching you like a hawk and thinking about how you’re doing it all wrong. If only she could get her hands on the little cherub . . .

Never mind that you’ve attended parenting classes, read countless books on the subject, and have discussed all of the feeding, sleeping, and general safety concerns with your pediatrician.

Could these doctors and experts possibly know more than your mother? The answer is an emphatic
yes
, but you will never convince her of it.

I mean, your confidence in the grandparents was already shaken to the core on the multiple occasions when they offered your BMP a glass of wine during pregnancy. If this scenario sounds familiar to you, then all I can say is when you’re asking the grandparents for help,
caveat emptor
. When it comes to helping out with their grandchild, your parents and in-laws can be very sneaky and conniving if they feel it’s necessary.

For instance, you can tell the grandparents the correct position to lay down the baby to sleep . . . on its back, of course. Seriously, who hasn’t heard of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) at this point? But it doesn’t matter . . . there will always be that grandmother who, when you leave the room, will go in and turn that baby on its stomach because that’s how you slept and you turned out just fine, thank you very much.

It may be necessary for you, as dad and Head of the Household, to intervene — not because you’re worried about the crib death of your newborn, but because you’re concerned about the safety of the grandmother who put the baby to sleep on its stomach.

Don’t mess with a new mother — who’s still raging with hormones — and her newborn baby. If the grandparents push too hard, they may get to meet Mama Grizzly Bear up close, and I am not talking about a Sarah Palin autograph session.

Still, grandparents
can
be a help. Grandmothers everywhere are begging for their chance to feed and rock the baby. Maybe it takes them back to a time when their breasts were able to defy gravity and turn heads. If you’re functioning on two hours of interrupted sleep, their help gives you a nice opportunity to grab a much-needed nap.

This is what the chess match boils down to in its most basic form. The grandparents will wait you out until the baby pushes you to the point of exhaustion. That’s when they strike, turning on their old-person charms and smiling kindly at you with their false teeth. You forget all of the things that bother you about them and give in to the siren call of your bed. But, no matter what feelings you harbor for the grandparents, just remember that their grandkids are one of the loves of grandparents' lives. It’s that and Golden Corral.

Besides helping stave off the most severe effects of sleep deprivation, grandparents can help with the mundane household chores that are undoubtedly going to be neglected, since your main concerns will be caring for your baby, sleep (when you can get it), and an occasional shower. Unfortunately, someone still has to clean the house, cook the meals, and do the laundry. These are obviously the less glamorous tasks, so throw in some ample time with the grandchild as well, or their visit may not be as long as you anticipated. While the grandparents
say
they’re there to help and will do whatever you need, what they really want to do is grab the baby when you aren’t looking, jump in the car Pops kept running in the driveway, and take the baby home with them. And no, they probably don’t think they need a car seat. (You didn’t have one and you turned out fine.) Luckily, you can probably catch them on your bike, because they refuse to exceed their self-imposed 10-mph speed limit. Nobody knows why the bond between grandchildren and grandparents is so strong. Perhaps the grandparents just feel close to another human who has to wear a diaper.

Grandparents love to give suggestions to their children about how to raise a child. The problem is, some of their advice is outdated. Here is a list of suggestions I have heard but wouldn’t recommend:

If you want your baby to sleep through the night, put it to sleep on its tummy. At this point, I think we all know why this is a bad idea, but just in case you need a refresher, you should always put your baby to sleep on her back to reduce the risk of SIDS.

If you want your baby to sleep longer, or if Baby still seems hungry after he’s has been fed, you should put some cereal in the formula or breastmilk. This is not recommended, because a newborn’s digestive tract is not developed enough to handle solid food. Introducing solid food before four months may increase your baby’s chances of developing food allergies.

You should give your newborn water in between feedings of formula or breastmilk. In reality, your baby is already getting all the water she needs from the formula and/or breastmilk. If a baby gets too much water, it can cause infant water intoxication, which can result in seizures. If your baby becomes dehydrated from vomiting or diarrhea, you should be giving her beverages especially made for rehydrating an infant, such as Pedialyte. Obviously, you’ll be sure to ask your pediatrician about this first.

Don’t let your baby “stand” or put pressure on his legs too soon or he’ll be bow-legged. Okay, this is just a ridiculous old wives' tale that ranks up there with “don’t allow a cat to be alone with a sleeping baby or it will smother it by sucking its breath.” Most young infants will want to stand with support around two to four months of age. This is fun and exciting for them and is perfectly normal, and no, it will not cause them to be bow-legged. Unless their mom is Kirsten Dunst — but then it’s just a case of genetics.

Perhaps I have mentioned that this child is going to change everything? Once the baby arrives at your residence, you’ll have a new family member, a new schedule, and a new life. The fact that babies are not used to our world — or maybe the fact that they feel kidnapped from the home where they were perfectly happy — causes them to not really understand the difference between day and night. Add to the equation that babies are constantly peeing, pooping, or hungry, and you get the final result: babies cry a lot. Since they don’t have any other means of communication, crying is their signal for just about everything. I’m sitting in my own poop? Cry. I am hungry, and don’t try to give me those infant sweet potatoes again? Cry. I’m bored? Cry. I think you understand. But if you tell me you don’t, I might just . . .

How exactly might this adorable but demanding baby affect your schedule? Let’s do a quick comparison between a pre-baby and post-baby schedule:

One of those infamous “studies” that was recently conducted made the claim that on average during the first two years of their child’s life, parents miss an equivalent of 6 months of sleep. To be honest, I think they finally got one of these things right. It’s kind of like fraternity hell week for two or three years. In my humble opinion, this is one of the hardest things about having an infant.

If you work in an office with enough people, you’ve probably been around when someone else has had a new child. You may have noticed that slightly rumpled appearance and glassy look in their eye. It’s probably because they got their day started with a child who decided to start their day at 4
A.M.
, and then this new dad (or mom) spent a few hours of quality time getting their baby back to sleep, and rolled right into the shower and then into work.

You may have also seen New Dad stupidly volunteering for assignments that required him to stay late or travel overnight. This isn’t due to his unwavering dedication and passion for his job. The worst offender I had the pleasure of working with was a recent father of twins. If there was a legitimate reason to stay, he was there. This isn’t to say he was a bastard or that you should run for the hills, but more to give you a feel for the degree of difficulty for what you are about to attempt.