Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (19 page)

You might get a deluge of useless phrases like “work smarter, not harder.” But the reality of the situation is that you’ll be exhausted. Coffee and energy drinks will become close friends of yours. The example given to me was that I would be constantly juggling, and from time to time I had to know which of the balls I could afford to drop without it breaking. Employment is most likely one of the last balls you want to drop.

Isn’t it always? After the delivery, you’ll feel euphoric. Like when your first issue of
Sports Illustrated
arrived with your free fleece jacket, but even better. If you followed the strategy discussed in the “Exploring Paternity Leave” section, you should be able to hang around the house for a few days with the family. You’ll be caring for the baby, in awe of the baby, basically enjoying your new life as a dad. Eventually, you’ll still be in awe and wonder, but you’ll also be tending to other needs. You’ll still need to sleep, eat, and exercise. As your new life takes shape, you may find yourself wondering, “When do we get to have sex again?”

Well, of course you’re wondering this. You’re still young, you’re in love, and you’re feeling happy about your life. The problem is that things may not be so cut and dried for your BMP. She went through a very physically demanding process, and, how do we put this, some of the hangover from delivery may delay her ability to express her love physically in the near future. The only way I know how to tackle this is to ask. But depending on the type of delivery performed, the time may vary. Were you paying attention? Did she have to suffer through an episiotomy? (If she did and you don’t know what it is, dude. You need to pay more attention.) If she did, and you know what that means, you should also know this isn’t something to mess with. Same with a C-section.

To give you some concrete idea of when your love may become real: most of the time it’s not until the doctor gives the green light at the postnatal checkup, usually about six weeks after delivery. Again, if an episiotomy or a C-section was performed, all bets are off. Just assume it’ll be more than the six weeks.

For the most part, grandparents make the best babysitters. For some parents, this just isn’t an option. Moms and Pops may live too far away, or the two of you fight like cats and dogs every time their name is mentioned. Whatever the case, if you need a babysitter, here are some pointers to help you make a decision:

1. Age.
   Do you really want to hire a fourteen-year-old to be in charge of you baby? Most of them are still mastering the art of making their bed, and you’re going to put a human life in their sparkly neon-painted-finger-nailed hand? Older babysitters have many advantages. They’re more responsible in general. Plus, they sometimes have their own transportation.
   
2. Experience.
   This is strongly correlated to the age situation. Why would you want your child to be the one they make their rookie babysitter mistakes on? When you’re talking about a sitter for babies, who can’t exactly defend themselves or even tell on their caregiver, it’s best to get an experienced sitter with references.
   
3. Certs.
   I’m talking about certifications, even though it may make speaking to them more pleasant if they maintain fresh breath. Infant CPR is the most important, and basic first aid is a nice bonus.
   
4. Pay the man.
   What’s the going rate for a babysitter these days? It’s okay to ask them; they may recommend a pay rate. Although it’s tempting to stick it to them if they leave it to your discretion, don’t do it. Not everyone is as cheap as you are, and other parents aren’t thinking, “If I give her $5 per hour, it’s really like $7 pre-tax.” The next time you and your BMP are headed out for the night, guess who’s going to be without a babysitter?
   

Let’s face it, good help is hard to find. Parents will not freely give up their number-one sitter just because you ask. Quality sitters get a lot of requests, so you’ll need to ask early and often. You can explore the au pair/nanny situation, where you pay them a little extra to let you and your favorite girl go out on a Saturday night. Reserve them early, pay them well, and if you happen to get a college student who’s home for the weekend to babysit for you, don’t look at her that way, and everything will work out just fine.

Have you babyproofed the house? If not, better late than never. Little kids will find ways to cause trouble in ways your adult brain could never imagine, and often times injuries ensue. Babies are curious little critters, and you’ll need some new supplies to keep them from hurting themselves if you turn your head or fall asleep standing up. You need to go to the local baby mart and pick up some important items to take care of a few things:

• Count all the outlets in your home.
  You will need to purchase plastic outlet covers or sliding outlet plates. Most of the outlets are of the perfect height for a crawling baby to reach, and for some unknown reason, they’re very inviting to babies.
  
• Window blinds.
  Take steps to secure the cord from window blinds out of Baby’s reach. They’re a choking hazard, even if you can’t quite imagine it happening. Never place your child’s bed near these cords.
  
• Stairs.
  Many families purchase baby gates. Different from the latest political scandal, baby gates are used to block both ends of the staircase to prevent a child from having a fall. They’re especially good for when a ten-minute nap accidentally occurs.
  
• Cabinets and medicine cabinets.
  Once babies are mobile, it’s game, set, match. They will open every cabinet they can, including ones that may hold cleaners, medicines, or other unsafe items. Make sure to purchase the babyproof clamps to keep all these areas secure.
  
• Banister shields.
  These are relatively new. They block the spindles of stair banisters or other areas. Babies can and will attempt to stick their head between the uprights, and shields will help prevent this from happening.
  
• Kitchen.
  Secure all silverware and other pointed objects, and make sure you check your cooking area. If you have accessible knobs on the range, there are, you guessed it, childproof covers for those as well.
  
• Heavy furniture.
  Any piece of heavy furniture, such as a dresser, that has a lower area where little hands can gain purchase needs to be secured with furniture straps. These secure furniture to the wall to prevent heavy furniture from being pulled over.
  
• Garbage cans.
  Besides the gross factor of going through the garbage, babies do not need to be able to get into any trash cans. Playing with trash is not pediatrician recommended, and if older babies pull on the top, they could get hurt. Many people put their trash can behind a babyproof door. There is also a trashcan that requires that you push a button on the back to open it.
  
• Appliance cords.
  Electrical cords or computer cords need to be secured or placed appropriately out of reach.
  
• Fireplace.
  Many babies have done some damage on these things. Buy some covers for all the sharp edges, and even consider blocking off the area if it can reasonably be done.
  
• Carbon monoxide detectors and smoke alarms.
  You need one carbon monoxide detector per floor, and smoke alarms in regular increments throughout the house, including one in each bedroom.
  
• Breakables.
  That ceramic clown Grandma gave you? If it sits on a lower shelf, then it’s toast. Unless this is your goal (and it may be), move all these types of items up, up, and away from Junior. And if you want to break something you hate and blame it on the baby, please do it safely.
  
• Cage.
  I highly recommend a baby cage. It’s a small but growing trend. Seriously, sometimes it seems like this would be easier than all of the other steps. So even though baby cages aren’t practical, taking babyproofing steps is worth it. The guilt you would feel if something happened to your child would be horrible. You should at least know you made every reasonable effort to protect your child.
  

As a child of the 1970s, rereading this list makes me wonder how I survived past the age of three. We didn’t even have car seats. It was very similar to the Wild West. On long trips, we folded down the two back seats in the station wagon and lay down. Somehow I lived to talk about it today. So, to answer your unspoken question: yes, some of it seems like overkill. And yes, the manufacturers are taking advantage of your parental guilt to turn a quick buck. But it just isn’t worth it to save $50 on a baby gate, and while you’re hatching a plan to escape to your weekly poker game with the extra fifty, your little one goes tumbling down, down, down. As in many scenarios in this book, grin and bear it.

Now you’re done. Junior is at home, on a regular schedule. You and your BMP have bonded with your child, and your life is nearing perfection. The hard work you’ve put in to transform your home into a baby-safe environment will finally start paying some dividends. Every stumble, bumble, and spit-up has been planned for, and you stand ready to drain your savings account to educate your child in today’s questionable education environment, in which teachers make slightly more than janitors. Whatever your opinion on the topic turns out to be, just be ready to answer this question in the next six to twelve months: Should we have another one?

• In whatever time you have, try to squeeze in some quality bonding time with your child.
  
• It’s important you begin building a strong relationship with your child right from the start.
  
• New fathers often have a difficult time finding where they fit in to the family. If you’re feeling this way, make sure to talk to your BMP.
  
• Your partner will be the main decider in the debate of bottle-feeding versus breastfeeding, but be informed so the two of you can discuss it.
  
• Your child’s grandparents can be a source of frustration for you and your BMP, but they tend to be especially kind to their grandchildren. This makes them ideal babysitters!
  
• This new baby is going to affect your schedule dramatically, so be ready to feel tired.
  
• It will take time for this adjustment, as with everything, from getting back to work to your sex life with your BMP. Just remember: everything in good time.
  
• Just as you researched your type of crib, health-care providers, and even your day care, now do a little research to find an ideal babysitter for your baby.
  
• Babyproofing your house before your child becomes mobile is an important safety step. Infants love to stick anything and everything in their mouth.
  

My youngest daughter of three is beginning her education, and my wife alerted me to a flyer that was sent home concerning “Doughnuts for Dads,” a program that was to begin at 8
A.M.
I felt some frustration because I had to get in to work that day to deal with some issues that had come up, but I didn’t want to disappoint my daughter. I hoped it would last just a few minutes. Perhaps I could pick up a free doughnut and chug some coffee, give my daughter a kiss, and be on my way.

When I got there, I got wind of the fact that they had a little program planned for the dads. In all honesty, my only thought was the delay this was going to cause. The program consisted of mad-lib-style poems they had written with their teacher’s help, the title of which was, “My Amazing Dad.” The first couple of kids came and went and there were a few laughs to be had. When it came my daughter’s turn, my attitude about everything that was going on that morning completely changed.

I learned that my daughter thinks I am the best dad in the whole world because I play with her. I discovered my favorite color is purple (it isn’t) and that my favorite foods are “waffles and pancakes” (they aren’t, but I often make weekend breakfast). I discovered I am “as strong as food.” While everyone including me got a chuckle, I knew what she meant because I’m always telling her food will make her grow big and strong. She wishes we could play every day. She wrote her own name at the bottom of the story. To say that her story meant a lot to me would not sufficiently describe it. I felt so proud of her, and so happy that I was lucky enough to be her dad. Needless to say, I check from time to time to see when the next father’s event is to be held. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Up until this point, we’ve focused mostly on the what and how of pregnancy. How to pick a doctor, what to do if there are complications, how manipulative grandparents wear you down so as to get their severely wrinkled hands on their grandchild. But one thing we haven’t spent too much time on is the actual birth. What are some of the thoughts and feelings going on while all of this medical terminology springs to life? Is it really going to look like the birthing class video? Can I man up and cut the umbilical cord? So what we are going to do here is take you through a real pregnancy situation and birth, told through the eyes of the father.