Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (14 page)

But what seems to happen is that after a couple of days of being restricted to bed, these women start to go insane. They feel isolated from the real world and from people in general. They don’t talk about how great bed rest was for them, or how they felt recharged and ready to re-enter their lives. No, on the contrary, they tend to talk to each other about how they can
survive
bed rest. Men everywhere are still waiting to give this a try.

Let’s look at what her situation is, and how you can help your beloved if she happens to be put on bed rest:

• Line up her day.
  If you’re going to work, think about what she’ll need while you’re gone. Can you give her breakfast before you go to work? Make her a little lunch and put it in a cooler beside the bed, and make sure water is readily available. Make sure she has a cell phone within reach. If caring for her will make you late at the office, plan for that as well, or have a friend you can call who can cover for you.
  
• Make sure she’s busy.
  While she can’t begin the marathon training she had hoped to start, she can still do a lot of things while on bed rest, such as online baby-gear shopping and research, with a laptop. The worst part of bed rest seems to be the monotony and feelings of isolation. If your woman has some goals to work for and achieve, it can make her feel more engaged with the world.
  
• Keep her entertained.
  Supply her with books and magazines. Suggest little projects she can do, such as keeping a pregnancy scrapbook or just about anything positive to break up the monotony of lying in bed and waiting.
  
• Misery loves company.
  A perusal of the web will show that there are now online communities for women on bed rest. It’s a good idea to encourage her to communicate and commiserate with those who are really feeling her pain in a way you can’t.
  

This is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Something is causing a problem with the baby. Likely causes can be medication, infection, or, if it happens during labor, the induction process. An irregular reading of the baby’s heartbeat will be the best indication of fetal distress.

What is meconium? It’s baby’s first poop, a thick, green, tarlike substance. Please note that despite the description, it cannot be smoked, even in California. Usually this crap stays in your baby until after the birth, but about 30 percent of babies have a moment on their amniotic throne before birth, and that can cause problems. The meconium gets into the amniotic fluid and is in turn ingested by the baby. In extreme cases of high meconium concentration in the amniotic fluid, your caregiver may even inject sterile fluid to help dilute it. As your BMP passes her due date without giving labor, the chance of some meconium getting into the amniotic fluid rises. Another problem is that your baby may inhale it, and that can cause serious problems after delivery. If this happens, the doctors will suction out Baby’s lungs and throat (to ensure that your baby isn’t full of crap, like his dad).

Do we really need to discuss this? Just the visual image alone is enough to depress me. The fact is, as the baby moves around in the uterus, the cord can wrap around the baby’s neck. About one-third of children are born like this. So it’s not as rare a situation as we first thought.

The best thing to do is to first find the doctor you want to work with and to discuss the risks of the above situations. These are big scary problems, and you need a doctor’s perspective to understand your risks.

Okay, let’s all shake it off. I thought it was important that you got that information. So far the pregnancy has been a snuggly love-fest, and you’ve taken to calling each other nicknames such as Pookie, Snook-ums, and Honeybunch. The weird thing is, you find yourself into it. You even heard yourself call her Angel Cups, and you meant it! What the hell is going on? Don’t worry, the pregnancy process is about to take it up a notch. Let’s get to where the action is: her cervix.

If your BMP begins to feel any or all of these symptoms, it may be time to grab the hospital gear, review your birth plan using those cramming skills you learned in school, put on your nurse’s outfit, and head for the door:

• Regular contractions that get closer together, while lasting longer and becoming more intense
  
• A trickle or gush of fluid from her vagina
  
• A backache that keeps better rhythm than you do on the dance floor
  

Things are getting very real now as the projected due date creeps closer on the calendar. You should check with your doctor before taking any long trips by land, sea, or air. Doctors, who are like regular humans except that their brains are larger, have different opinions on the subject. If you and your BMP have been experiencing problems during the pregnancy, the doctor is more likely to withhold the hall pass, especially if the trip is noncritical.

It’s not only trips by land, sea, and air that you need permission for. Yes, even the most personal of areas, your love life, has been changed by the baby. At this point in the pregnancy, if you plan to take a trip to the bedroom, you must in effect check with your doctor first. You may not have ever thought you would utter the words, “Is it okay for me to make love to my wife?” to another person, but it’s the safest course of action. Your doctor may blurt out, “Oh, and it’s okay for the two of you to go at it like rabbits.” Then you’re saved from asking.

When a pregnant women gets to a certain point in the pregnancy, say, somewhere around 38 weeks, if the baby is healthy and ready, her attitude becomes one of, “Let’s get this thing out of me!” It’s understandable, as she has lost her figure, her ability to eat normally, and of course, her mind.

Let’s take a look at some old wives' tales about how to cause that baby to evacuate. While some of these may help, I don’t recommend trying them without talking to your doctor first.

1. Taking castor oil.
   This remedy has been around forever. The theory goes that if you drink castor oil, it will cause the muscles in your body to contract and get the ball rolling. There are many, many, instances when this has worked for women, and it seems to be effective mostly for those in early labor. But there are also many reports of women throwing up and get ting diarrhea but no labor. The verdict is that this is unpredictable at best.
   
2. Eating spicy food.
   No concrete evidence exists that eating spicy foods will work as a way to induce labor (this also applies to eggplant Parmesan; I hear this one often as well). There’s a chance that spicy foods help produce contractions by irritating the bowels and dehydrating the body. Spicy foods also increase production of a hormone that can begin the labor process. More importantly, there is not really any downside to trying this option. Well, she might get an upset stomach, but nothing too drastic.
   
3. Massaging pressure points.
   This is one method that has pretty much been proven to work. The only problem is that if the person who applies the acupressure doesn’t know what they’re doing, they can do some real damage. Don’t even fool around with this one. Let this method remain an “ancient Chinese secret.”
   
4. Walking.
   Here’s another natural method that works for many, but not for everyone. If you see a very pregnant woman determinedly walking the mall or hiking up and down steps, you’ll know what she’s up to. This method also has a side benefit: even if it doesn’t induce labor, it will often help the baby drop, or move into labor position.
   
5. Having sex.
   This might be as old as being pregnant. Sex causes the body to produce oxytocin, which causes the uterus to contract. Nipple stimulation can also produce oxytocin, but to a somewhat lesser degree.
   

• It’s almost time. Are there any preparations you’ve left to the last second? Because we are there already.
  
• If you haven’t felt totally overwhelmed yet, it may happen around this time, when you’re so near the actual birth. Don’t worry, though; parents always seem to find a way to make things work.
  
• Pack a bag with everything you will want and need for your hospital stay. Put some thought into it now, while there’s still time.
  
• Not all advice for new dads is created equal. Seek out a dad you trust and respect, and talk to him about the fatherhood experience.
  
• If your BMP is placed on bed rest, it will be up to you to take extra good care of her. Although bed rest seems like a relaxing prescription, it drives many pregnant women crazy.
  
• Be familiar with the most common difficulties that can arise during pregnancy and labor. Make sure to discuss them with your BMP and health-care provider. Know what your plan will be if these unfortunate circumstances arise.
  
• Make sure to know the signs of labor, although your BMP will probably know right away.
  
• There are some common old wives' tales concerning kick-starting the labor process. Make sure your healthcare provider knows what you’re up to before you take matters into your own hands.
  

Birth: the event of being born. I especially like this definition because childbirth is an event. Friends and relatives may travel from miles around to see the beginning of a new life. It is an event because it is something special, something we have only partially been able to figure out. It is an event because there is an element of the unknown, and all hell might break loose. Finally, it is an event that will be happening soon — to you and your woman!

By now, you may have the birth plan finalized, in ink, and even laminated, with copies for all of the doctors and nurses. But even so, let’s examine different methods of the event of childbirth.

Occurring less frequently these days is the old-fashioned way of giving birth. Nature does its thing, and when the baby is ready, it comes out. You know that your BMP’s water may break in an unexpected place, and as you near the due date, maintaining a constant state of readiness becomes a pain in the ass. But when it happens, the adrenaline rushes and out the door you go!

One of the major decisions you and your BMP face is whether she’ll take pain-killing medicine during labor. Actually, it’s her decision, because unless she punches your face during labor to help you share the pain, there’s really only one person who is feeling pain, and it’s not you. An epidural is the most common form of medication. The actual drugs involved are usually a local anesthetic coupled with a narcotic. This will relieve the pain while allowing her to remain totally conscious during labor. The main advantage to doing this — besides getting a narcotic — is, well, lack of pain. The dose can also be instantly modified if the location or severity of the pain changes. This method keeps the amount of drugs that reach the baby to a minimum. Lastly, if she needs to have an immediate C-section or other surprise surgical procedure, the anesthesia can be adjusted accordingly.

As always, there are some downsides to the whole drug situation. You may feel like it’s not a natural way to deliver. That’s up to the two of you. Also, after painkillers are administered, many hospitals will require women to remain lying down. Epidurals also have a habit of slowing down labor and can reduce feeling during the pushing stages. In some cases, the dosage may not be correct, resulting in less than full pain relief. Side effects from the epidural can include itchiness and nausea. So, including the reduced feeling from the waist down, she may have an unexpected potty break. Men aren’t allowed to say this out loud, but let’s face it: we’re lucky we don’t have to go through this.

Induction is the process by which your medical-care professional attempts to jump-start the childbirth process. This is most often attempted by introducing medications: a drug such as Pitocin that helps labor start will enter your BMP’s body through an IV, and drugs such as Cervidil, which ripen the cervix, are introduced vaginally. These medications should cause the labor process to begin.

Make sure the two of you have had a conversation about induction and whether you’re for it or against it. As the days go forward and still no baby, your doctor may suggest inducing labor. The risks include the possibility of stronger contractions. This can increase discomfort (an understatement) for your BMP and elevate health risks for the baby. Increased risks include:

• More intense pain for your BMP during labor
  
• Baby ending up in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit)
  
• Need for a C-section
  
• Various degrees of complications associated with preterm labor. You are, after all, evicting Junior before Mother Nature has given your baby his get-out-of-the-womb-free card.
  

When it comes to birth by induction, it won’t be quite as action packed as the deliveries you see in the movies. Actually, it can be a little anticlimactic. Your doctor says the bun has been in the oven long enough and it’s time to take that thing out. Much like your local handyman, she’ll give you a date and time range such as, “We will complete the miracle of life on Friday, October 18, from 6 to 9
P.M.
, and then fine-tune your HD.” As long there aren’t any emergencies, the doc will give you the call from the bullpen to come to the hospital. You slowly and patiently bring your travel bags and arrive in no particular hurry. The medical team puts your partner — and unfortunately, not you — on drugs to get the ball rolling.