Finding Home (14 page)

“Those therapists?  Those doctors?  They don’t know shit.” He raised his eyes to look at me and when he did, his stare was harsh and frustrated and angry. “They don’t know shit about me or anybody else.”

“They can help you though.”

“Oh yeah?  They’ve done a bang up job so far, don’t ya think?” His sarcasm was thick and bitter and I knew nothing I said would make him feel better. “I can’t even get through the goddamn night half the time without some kind of fucking panic attack.”

“I’m sorry, Brandon.  I’m sorry you’re going through this,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

I continued making circles on his back and then he pulled me to him, leaning us back onto the bed, his arm draping around me as I rested on his chest.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you, Mandy,” he said quietly. “I know you just wanna help me.  It’s just so damn frustrating.  I just wanna move on with my life, but it’s always there, even when I think it’s getting better.  It’s there and…” he took a deep breath. “I’m afraid it’s never gonna be okay.”

I didn’t want to tell him it’d be okay because I didn’t know if it would be okay, but I wanted him to know I was here for him and that I’d do whatever I could to make him okay again.

“I can’t pretend to know how you feel,” I said softly, rubbing his back gently. “But, I’m here, Brandon, for whatever you need from me.” 

He didn’t say anything for a while and I wondered if he was upset at me.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he finally said and there was something about the tone of his voice that sounded weak and thankful at the same time. “Usually when this happens…when I wake up…I’m alone, but I wasn’t alone tonight and that…” He stopped talking and kissed me on the head. “Just...thank you, Mandy.”

“You don’t need to thank me.”

“Yes, I do.”

He kissed me again and I knew better than to argue with him.  He might’ve felt the need to thank me, but I was the one who was thankful.  Thankful at the fact he’d let me in.  I didn’t know how to handle this thing with Brandon and I’d wondered if anything I’d been doing had helped him at all.

“What can I do, Brandon?” I whispered, hoping he wouldn’t hear the cracking of my voice. “I’ll do anything to help you.”

“Just be here.  Stay with me.” I could hear the fatigue in his voice.  He was tired and he just wanted to find a peaceful sleep.  I rubbed his chest as I lay there, waiting for him to fall asleep.  He finally did, but he didn’t let me go.  I was afraid to close my eyes though.  I was afraid he’d wake up in terror again and I wanted to be ready in case he did.  I’m not sure how long I was able to stay awake though and eventually my eyes grew too heavy and I lost my battle.  I slept soundly and I was relieved when it was the daylight peeking in the window that woke me and not Brandon.

He looked peaceful as he slept.  There was something about the way the morning light washed over his face that made me notice how cute Brandon was.  I wouldn’t call him handsome.  Handsome sounded so old, and Brandon had a bit of a baby face.  He always had.  I reached up, running my fingers through his hair.  It was thick and soft and his eyes fluttered open.  Slowly at first, opening and closing a few times, but then they stayed open and he smiled at me. 

“Mornin’.” His voice was deep and scratchy and I couldn’t deny how much I liked the way it sounded in the morning. 

“Hey,” I said, leaning down and kissing him sweetly before sitting back up. “You seemed to sleep okay…after…after the dream.” I spoke slowly because I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up.

“I did, sleep better that is…because you were here.  Can you sleep over every night?” he smiled coyly and I just laughed a little. 

“I wish I could,” I said honestly.

“Someday,” he said, reaching for my t-shirt and pulling me to him, kissing me so deeply I didn’t even give it a second thought I probably had terrible morning breath.  It didn’t matter because I was beginning to see Brandon had a way of consuming me and I couldn’t deny that I liked it.   

“When will your parents be home?” I asked, nervous they would come and catch us in Brandon’s bed.

“Not till the afternoon so you can rest easy.  Your honor is safe, Miss Dalton…for now,” he said and we both started laughing.

“Can I make you some breakfast?”

“No,” he said, sitting up, flinging the covers off of him and standing up.

“Why not?” I asked him curiously.

“Because
I’m
making
you
breakfast.”

I felt the smile curl up on my face instantly while Brandon worked to put on his prosthetic.

“You don’t have to do that, Brandon.”

“I know, but I want to.  I’ll let you know when it’s ready.  Until then…just relax.”

He leaned down, kissing me on the cheek before he winked and turned to leave.  I watched him the whole way until he was gone and then I settled back onto the pillows, pulling the covers up to my chin before turning on my side and looking out the window.  It was overcast, but it wasn’t raining.  It was the type of day that made you want to stay in bed or curled up on the couch watching movies.  Even though it was gloomy outside, I was far from gloomy inside.  For the first time in my life there was clarity in my mind.  For the first time I felt like someone needed me.  I’d never been needed by anyone.  It felt good to be needed by Brandon, but what felt even better was the need I felt for him. 

Fourteen

After that, Brandon and I spent almost every minute of our free time together.  I missed him when I was working or when he was at physical therapy.  It was a nice feeling, longing for someone and knowing they were longing for me too.  

Because of this, I sat in the exam room, watching the clock tick away and it seemed to be going incredibly slow.  I’d been waiting fifteen minutes already and I just wanted to get it over with.  I was supposed to meet Brandon for lunch before heading to work at two o’clock and I couldn’t wait to see him.  These days, when I wasn’t with him, I found myself wanting to be with him and when I was with him, I never wanted to say goodbye. 

I could kick myself for leaving the house without my Kindle to at least read to pass the time.  I hated these appointments anyway.  It was a yearly duty I did begrudgingly.  My aunt died of ovarian cancer when I was younger and my mom ingrained the importance of check-ups on Shay and I from an early age.  I took it seriously, but it didn’t mean I arrived with whistles and bells.  It’d be over soon enough and then I’d have a year’s reprieve.  Get it done and over with was my motto.  It wasn’t exactly working that way today though.  I was beginning to think the doctor was never going to show up.  Per protocol, I’d peed in a cup, changed into a gown and went over my medical record with the nurse who’d brought me into the room and now I was just waiting.  Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

I was rereading the ovulation chart for the millionth time when I finally heard the click of the door and Dr. Mather walked in.  She was the only doctor I’d ever gone to for this stuff and I liked her well enough.  She was nice and she knew how much I detested the speculum.

“Mandy.  How are you?” she asked, closing the door behind her.

“I’m good. Ready to get this over with though,” I said with a laugh and I was a little surprised when she didn’t do the same. “How are you?”

“Well, thank you.”  She sat down on a stool and turned to her computer, scrolling through it for a moment before turning to me. “Before we get started, Mandy, I need to discuss something with you.”

“What is it?” I asked, curious because none of my appointments had ever started this way. 

“I spoke with the nurse who brought you in.  Your urine test…” she said and I jumped in, cutting her off.

“Is everything okay?  Is something wrong?” I asked quickly, trying to read her face.

“Were you aware, dear…” her voice trailed off for a moment, but then she started speaking again. “Did you have any suspicions that you’re pregnant?”

“What?” I exclaimed and I burst out laughing. “Is this a joke, Dr. Mather?” 

“This is not a joke, Mandy.  I assure you, it’s not a joke.”

Her face was serious and I stared at her, waiting for her to smile or something that told me she was kidding.  She didn’t crack a smile though and I felt the smile on my own face fading as a pit started to form in my stomach.

“Are you serious?” I whispered, surprised I could even get those words out through the lump that had appeared in my throat. 

“Yes.  I’m serious.  You had no idea?”

“No.  Not at all.  I haven’t missed a period.  I haven’t been sick.  Nothing.” My voice was still a mumble as I tried to process what she had just said to me.  It’d been two months since I’d been with someone…since I’d been with Derek.  My mind raced through those times.  I’d made sure we’d used protection every time, but then I felt my stomach sink when I remembered the one time we hadn’t.  He’d convinced me he’d pull out and that would be enough.  Obviously, it wasn’t.  

I felt a tear streak down my cheek and I reached up, quickly wiping it away.  Dr. Mather handed me a tissue and the room was quiet for a long time as she gave me time to absorb the news. 

“Sometimes,” she finally began hesitantly. “Women don’t have many signs.  They’re there, but they can be subtle and some women continue to menstruate during pregnancy, which can make seeing the signs even more difficult.”

“What am I gonna do?” I whispered quietly, not to her, but to myself. “My parents are gonna kill me.”

I started sobbing then and Dr. Mather rested her hand on my knee as I cried. 

~~~

I sat in my car once I’d finally made my way out of the office.  Somehow I’d gotten through the appointment and I numbly scheduled another appointment to have my first prenatal check-up.  Dr. Mather said they would do an ultrasound then and I’d learn more about the pregnancy, but that wasn’t for three more weeks and I had no idea how I was going to survive until then.  I didn’t know how I was going to survive at all. 

My hands gripped the steering wheel as the engine idled.  I was numb and I still couldn’t believe what the doctor had told me.  I wasn’t pregnant.  There was no way.  We hadn’t even had sex that many times.  I was so stupid.  So ignorant and so naïve to have ever allowed myself to give that part of myself to someone as meaningless as Derek in an attempt to feel wanted and loved.  I’d had such low self-esteem that I’d thought that was the way to keep a guy…to make him happy. 

I hadn’t known what it felt like to be treated with kindness and respect when I was with Derek or ever.  I knew now because of Brandon.  And now I was going to lose him forever once he found out. 

I rested my head on the steering wheel as I started sobbing again.  I was supposed to meet him at his house for lunch.  He was expecting me any minute, but I couldn’t go.  I couldn’t see him.  He couldn’t know.  No one could know. 

Fifteen

I pulled it together enough to dry my eyes and walk into the house.  I knew my mom was home and Shay probably was too.  I had to pretend like nothing was wrong.  I had to pretend I was the happy, chipper Mandy everyone expected me to be.  If I was anything less, they’d get suspicious and I couldn’t talk about this.  I didn’t even want to think about it, but my mind was consumed with it, a constant sick feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat. 

I walked into the house and saw my mom folding laundry and I heard Shay’s violin streaming down the stairs. 

“How was your appointment?” my mom asked.

“Fine,” I said quickly. “I need to go get ready for work.”

If she suspected anything, she didn’t let on and I went straight to my room, glad I didn’t see Shay.  My sister knew me well, so well that I could never keep anything from her. 

Once in the safety of my room, I shut the door and locked it, turning around and suddenly stopping when I caught sight of my room.  The same room I’d had since I was four years old when we moved into the house.  My mom had told me the story more than once how hard my parents had worked for the house.  We’d lived in a small apartment until they could finally afford our house and I loved this house and I loved my room.  I loved my bed and my pink walls and I loved the view outside my window that looked out into the front yard and the large oak tree whose leaves changed to the most brilliant shade of orange in the fall.  I’d cried in here when my dad spanked my bottom for smarting off to my mom.  I cried in here when my cat, Twinkie died.  I cried in here over every broken heart.  And now I was crying because I was pregnant and my life was over.  I was crying because for the first time in my life I’d felt loved and I’d given love and now I was going to lose it all. 

I fell back onto the door, sliding down until I hit the floor and I started sobbing.  Sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe as thoughts I didn’t want to admit flooded through my mind.  Praying for things I never imagined I’d be praying for, feeling a sense of helplessness I’d never felt before or even fathomed. 

I don’t know how long I sat there, but my face was a red, chapped mess when I finally stopped crying.  I tried pushing myself off the ground, but I was too exhausted, so I just sat there, not moving or even blinking.  I wasn’t even sure I was breathing and when my phone started ringing, I jumped and my heart started pounding.  It seemed to get louder with each ring and I knew who it was.  I was supposed to be at his house.  We were supposed to be going to lunch.  He was waiting for me and I started crying again because I wasn’t going to show up. 

I had to answer it.  If I didn’t, he’d just keep calling and then he’d show up at my house.  I’d have to see him and that was something that couldn’t happen right now. 

“Brandon…hi,” I said softly, hoping he wouldn’t be able to hear the fear in my voice or pick up on the fact that I’d been crying.

“Where are you?  I thought you’d be here by now.”

“I’m sorry…my appointment went longer than I expected.”

“Are you okay, Mandy?” I felt my body stiffen, realizing he knew something was up.

“Yeah, yeah…I’m fine,” I said quickly. “I’m just in a rush to get ready for work.”

“So, lunch is off then?”

“Another time, okay?  I’m really sorry.”

“How ‘bout I come over after your shift?” he asked and I closed my eyes, trying to hold back more tears.

“I’m probably just gonna go right to bed when I’m done.”

The silence on the line was noticeable and I wondered what he was thinking.

“Okay.  I’ll give you a call tomorrow then.” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was confused.

“I’m really sorry, Brandon,” I said and I could hear the desperation in my voice.  I wondered if he could hear it too.  “We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Yeah…later,” he said and I could tell he was still confused. “Have a good night at work.”

“Thanks.” I hung up the phone, just staring at it, hating the fact I was lying to him.  I wanted to run to him and have him tell me everything was going to be okay.  I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.

~~~

I took a quick shower before work.  I had to find a way to mask the tears that hadn’t stopped since I found out and I wondered if anyone suspected anything with my second shower of the day.  I think I cried the whole time as the water washed over me, but when I shut off the faucet, I took a deep breath and got ready, pulling my hair out of the ponytail I’d tied up before getting in the shower, and putting on my best face. 

I managed to get out of the house without anyone seeing me and when I got to the diner, I tied on my apron and got right to work.  I focused on my customers, trying not to think about the cloud that was lingering above me and the harder I worked and the more I chatted with my customers as if nothing was wrong, I forgot for splint second intervals about what was looming over me.  I found peace during those few moments where my life was still my own…where my life hadn’t been turned upside down.  The respite didn’t last long though and the pit would return to my stomach and I had to do everything in my power not to break down right there in the middle of the diner. 

It was almost six o’clock, and I was just over half-way through my shift when I turned around from my table and saw Brandon standing there.  I thought I might literally throw up right there on the spot at the sight of him.  I couldn’t see him right now.  I wasn’t ready.

“Hey,” he said, his lips curling up into a half-smile as he walked towards me.  I froze, but then he touched my arm and I knew I’d jerked back from his touch.  I hated seeing the way his eyebrow raised in concern, knowing I was causing that concern. “You okay?” his voice was gentler now and he leaned in towards me.

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” I mumbled.

“You sure?  You look sick or something.”

“I’m just tired is all.”

“Are you sure that’s it?” he continued, raising his hand and brushing his fingertips over my cheek.

“I said I’m fine!” I heard myself snap at him and I stepped back, walking the plates I was holding back to the kitchen, leaving Brandon to stand there wondering what the hell was wrong with me. 

He looked awkward just standing there, his hands tucked into the pocket of his jeans, staring around the diner until our eyes met again, causing the tears to sting the backs of my eyes and I took a deep breath, forcing them to stay away. 

“Did you wanna table or something?” I asked him when I walked back over to him.

“Should I leave?” he asked, gesturing towards the door he’d just entered. 

“That’s up to you, Brandon.  This is a restaurant, if you’re hungry, you can sit down and I’ll get you something to eat.”

“What is wrong with you?” he asked softly, but I could tell he was frustrated by the way his jaw clenched when he said the words. 

“Nothing.  I’m just trying to work.  It’s kinda busy.  Can’t you see that?” I couldn’t believe the sarcasm spewing from my mouth. 

“I don’t want to be in your way, Mandy,” he said, the snootiness of his voice matching mine and I didn’t blame him by the way I was treating him. “I just came to grab a piece of pie or something so I could see you today.  I didn’t realize it’d be such an inconvenience.  I’m just gonna get outta here.”

He turned to leave, but just as he pushed the door open, I grabbed at his arm and he turned to me with confused eyes, his brow furrowing and I knew I’d hurt him by my coldness. 

“I’m sorry, Brandon,” I said quietly, through the tightening in my throat. “I’ve…there’s just a lot on my mind.  I’m sorry.”

His face softened a little, but I could tell he was still confused and didn’t know what to make of my actions and the way I’d spoken to him. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked, my hand still gripping his arm and I shook my head. “Mandy…” His voice trailed off and I knew he wanted to say something more, but he didn’t. 

“I’ll see you later, okay?” I said quietly, wondering if he heard the cracking in my voice.

He just nodded, pulling his arm from my grasp and walking away.  I watched until he got into his truck and disappeared.  I turned back to the diner, staring at the crowded tables, the rambling of all the voices melding into one, the clanking of the silverware piercing my ears.  I felt my mouth start to water and sweat began to bead on my forehead and then my stomach started to turn.  I gripped it with one hand and held the other hand to my mouth as I ran to the bathroom, praying I could keep it down until I got to a toilet. 

There was an older lady at the sink washing her hands and I burst into a stall, not bothering to even shut the door before bending over and lurching into the toilet so quickly I didn’t even have  time to think about all the revolting things that had to have been covering the toilet seat.  It kept coming until there was nothing more to lose.  Tears were coming out too and I didn’t know if I was sick from the actual pregnancy or as a result of knowing I was pregnant.

“Honey,” I heard the old woman say from the sink. “Are you okay?”

When I didn’t say anything, I heard the door open and she walked out.  It opened again a few moments later though.

“Mandy?” It was my co-worker, Deidre. “Are you okay?” she asked, peeking into the stall. “No, you’re not okay.”  I flushed the toilet and then turned to see her staring at me with wide eyes.

“You look like hell,” Deidre said and I didn’t argue because I felt like hell too. “You need to go home.”

“I can’t.  It’s too busy,” I muttered.

“We’ll manage,” she said, helping me to my feet and walking me over to the sink.  She took a few paper towels and wet them, patting my forehead and cheeks.  When I got a quick glance of myself in the mirror, I saw that I really did look like hell.  My face was beet red and my eyes were bloodshot. “Have you been sick all night?” she asked as I rinsed out my mouth.

“It just came on all of a sudden.”

“Well, I hope you’re not contagious,” she said with a little chuckle.

“I’m not,” I said with certainty and she looked at me curiously, but didn’t say anything.  I wondered if she knew.  Deidre did have two kids after all.  She’d been pregnant before.  Maybe she’d figured it out. 

“Well, whatever’s wrong with you, you need to get home and rest.  I’ll take your tables and you’re off tomorrow, so that’ll give you another day to get over whatever has possessed you,” she said with a smile, but I didn’t smile back.  No amount of time would get me over what had possessed my body. 

~~~

I tried sneaking into the house undetected, but I knew the moment I walked in, that wasn’t going to happen.  Shay was still in the kitchen doing the dishes from dinner.  I knew she was surprised to see me since no one expected me home till after ten o’clock.

“What’re you doing home?” she asked, not bothering to look up from the sink.

“I’m not feeling good,” I answered and she turned around.

“You look like crap,” she said, wiping her hands of the suds with a dish towel and walking over to me. “Are you okay?” She reached over and felt my clammy forehead.

“Yes, Mother,” I said sarcastically. “I’m fine.  My stomach just hurts is all.” She started laughing a little and I glared at her.

“You didn’t blow chunks all over the restaurant, did you?”

“No,” I muttered. “I’m just gonna go upstairs.”

“Is everything okay in here?” My mom’s voice caused us both to turn and see her standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “I thought you were working until ten, Mandy.”

“I was.  My stomach’s not feeling great though.”

“Can I get you something?” she asked, walking over to me and placing a hand on my back.

“No, thanks.  I think I’m just gonna go try and get some rest.”

“Let me help you,” she said, taking my arm and trying to lead me towards the stairs.

“I’ve got this. I’m twenty-one for crap’s sake.” I yanked my arm away and I didn’t realize how snotty I sounded until I heard the words leave my mouth.  My mom was just staring at me, her mouth open.  I never spoke to my mom like that and I knew she was just trying to help.  My mom had always taken care of me when I sick.  I wasn’t sick though and I couldn’t have her around. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I said quickly. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” She continued to stare at me. “Go get some rest.  Perhaps your respect will return in the morning.”  She turned and left and I couldn’t help but feel a little bitterness.  I loved my mom.  I loved both my parents, but I wondered if maybe they hadn’t always been so rigid then maybe I could’ve talked to her.  Maybe I could’ve told her what I was going through and I wouldn’t feel so damn scared or alone.  I felt the all too familiar feeling of tears in my eyes as I watched my mom fade into the living. 

“Someone grew some balls.  You’d better watch it or they’re gonna throw you out onto the streets,” Shay laughed and I turned and glared at her again, but then the tears fell quietly as I looked at my little sister…still so innocent with her whole life ahead of her and I prayed she’d have more sense than me and not mess it all up.