Finding Home (15 page)

“You have no idea, Shay,” I said softly and then left her, walking past my parents, not bothering to say anything to them before I climbed the stairs and went into my room. 

I closed the door, just staring into space, trying to keep myself together, but it was a futile effort and I fell onto my bed.  I started sobbing suddenly and I couldn’t stop, my body making all kinds of horrible noises: hiccups and gasps, sniffles and snorts, snot and tears, as I tried to calm myself down, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop. 

The knock on my door caused me to freeze and I did everything I could to get some kind of control of myself. 

“Mandy?”

It was my sister and she didn’t have the usual sarcastic tone to her voice.  It was calm and kind and I could hear her jiggling the doorknob to get in, but she couldn’t because I’d locked the door.  I knew it wouldn’t stop her though.  It was easy enough to unlock.  It always had been.  You just needed a coin and it would turn no problem. 

“Can I come in, Mandy?” she said after I didn’t answer for a few moments. “Mandy?”

I didn’t know what to do.  I had to do something to get rid of her or she’d just keep pestering me.

“Please go away, Shay,” I said, doing my best to sound normal. 

“You sound upset.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. 

I knew I’d lost the battle with my sister when I heard the jiggling of the knob again and then it pushed open, slowly at first and she peeked in before coming in all way and gently shutting the door behind her.  She stood there for a second, staring across the room to where I was lying like a pathetic mess on my bed. 

“I heard you the second I came upstairs.  It sounded like you were dying or something.” Shay had never been delicate with her words, but I didn’t doubt what she’d heard.  “If you’re in this much pain, we should probably take you to the hospital.  You could have appendicitis or something.  You really shouldn’t mess around with this kind of stuff.”

“I don’t have appendicitis,” I muttered. 

“Maybe it’s food poisoning.  What’d you eat?”

“I don’t have appendicitis and I don’t have food poisoning.”

“How do you know?  You’re not a doctor,” she persisted and I opened my mouth, not thinking about what was going to come out. 

“I do know it’s not food poisoning or appendicitis because I’m pregnant.” I didn’t want to say the words out loud.  I hadn’t said them out loud since I’d found out.  And for some reason, hearing the words in my own voice made it that much more real.  My eyes were still blurry, but there was no mistaking the look on my sister’s face.  She was stone cold, like a statue, and her mouth was formed in a perfect O.  It felt like she stood that way forever, my eyes staring into hers. 

“Mandy,” she finally whispered and she started walking towards me slowly, falling to her knees and clutching my hand as I continued to lie on my side.  She pushed some hair that was stuck to my wet face off my cheek and then brushed back the strands that had fallen onto my forehead when I’d collapsed onto the bed. “Are you sure?” Her voice was so quiet I almost couldn’t hear her, but I nodded and I felt her hand fall from my hair. “Does Brandon know?” I shook my head. “You’ve gotta tell him.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Of course you do. He has to know.”

“No, he doesn’t because it’s not his.  I haven’t slept with Brandon.”

I saw Shay close her eyes as she realized who the father of this baby was and she was just as thrilled about it as I was. 

“Derek?” she whispered and I nodded and it was quiet again for a few moments. “Does he know?”

“I just found out today.”

“When are you gonna tell him?” she prodded.

“I don’t know.  Maybe I won’t,” I said softly.

“You have to tell him!” she gasped quietly. 

“He’s an asshole, Shay.”

“He is, but he can’t be an asshole about this.  This is his kid!”

“I can’t tell him…not yet.”

I closed my eyes, more tears falling and then I felt Shay crawl over me, laying down next to me, spooning against my body as she wrapped her arms around me. 

“What’re you gonna do?” she asked gently into my ear.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly and I felt her squeeze me tighter as the tears fell harder. “My life is over and I’m completely alone.”

I heard Shay sniffle and I wondered if she was crying too.

“You’re not alone, Mandy.  You know I’m here for you.”

“I know,” I said quietly and then I pulled from her arms, flipping myself over so I was facing my sister.  We used to lay like this sometimes when we were little and have staring contests.  She always won because she’d tickle me and I’d start to laugh.  I would’ve given anything to be taken back to those simple times.  “Please don’t tell Mom and Dad.  They’re gonna kill me when they find out.”

“I won’t tell them,” she said and then paused for a second. “I’ll be there with you when you tell them, if you want me to.”

“Thanks,” I whispered, my palm resting against the cheek of my baby sister. “Maybe I’ll never tell them.”

“You have to.  They’re gonna find out eventually.”

“Maybe not,” I said, ashamed the thought had even entered my mind and I could tell Shay realized what I was implying.

“Mandy,” she said quickly. “You can’t!  You can’t even think of doing that!”

“I always said I could never do that and I didn’t understand how anyone could…but…I understand now.”

“Please, Mandy,” she pleaded. “Please don’t do anything right away.  Please think about this.  I know you’re scared to tell Mom and Dad, but you never know how they might react.”

“Don’t be stupid, Shay.  We both know exactly how they’ll react.  They’ll throw me out and probably never speak to me again.”

Shay was biting her lip and I knew she was trying to think of something positive to say, but we both knew the truth of how our parents would take the news. 

“What about Brandon?” she asked nervously a few moments later and I closed my eyes, cringing.

“I don’t know.”

“You should tell him.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He can’t know.  He can’t deal with this right now.  He’s got so much he’s dealing with himself.  I can’t add this to his plate.  He can’t take anything else.”

“What’re you gonna do then?  Ignore him?  You can’t do that.”

“It’s over between us,” I whispered, my heart aching at the words, but I knew logically it was the only option.  Brandon had his own demons to deal with.  He didn’t need to be dragged into my problems.  It wasn’t fair to him, especially since he was just putting his life back together after almost losing it. 

“It’ll never be over between you two.  He’s been one of your best friends almost your whole life.  You can’t just walk away from that.  He won’t let you.”

“He doesn’t have a say.  I can’t do this to him.  I
can’t
.” My words were final and insistent and I knew Shay wouldn’t say anything else about Brandon.  I didn’t want to even think about it.  It physically hurt to know what I was building with Brandon was on the verge of collapse. 

“What can I do to help?” Shay asked softly.

“Just stay with me.”

“Okay,” she nodded.

“Let’s just watch a movie or something so I can forget for a little while.  I’ll deal with all of this tomorrow.”

I blinked and more tears came.  Shay reached up and wiped them away before hugging me.  Shay and I had never been overly close.  I’d always been the emotional, sentimental one and she’d always been sarcastic and stoic.  None of that mattered now though.  Deep down I always knew we had each other’s backs and tonight had proven that.  I trusted Shay to keep my secret and for the first time since finding out, I didn’t feel utterly alone. 

Sixteen

I guess I was lucky because I didn’t have morning sickness.  I’d determined the throwing up the night before was due to stress and nerves and not from the pregnancy.  In my head, I referred to it as the pregnancy and not the baby.  If I said it was a baby, then it would be real.  It would be a living thing and I wasn’t ready for that yet.  I still didn’t know what I was going to do. 

I laid in bed much later than I normally did for a day off, thinking about what I could do.  There were only three options: abortion, adoption or keeping the baby.

The first option wasn’t something I ever thought I could even consider.  It wasn’t the baby’s fault that I’d gotten myself into this mess, but I wasn’t ready to be a mom.  I was a waitress at a diner who still lived with her parents…parents whose beliefs would never accept a baby delivered to their unwed daughter.  It wasn’t even that I wasn’t married.  I wasn’t even in a relationship with the father and I never really had been.  I was with a great guy now, but this wasn’t something he needed in his life, especially with everything else he had to deal with.  The sooner I broke things off with Brandon, the better.  He had other things he needed to focus on and my predicament wasn’t one of them.  Still…the thought of not having Brandon in my life wasn’t something I wanted to think about.  Like Shay had said, he’d been a part of my life forever and I couldn’t imagine him not being there anymore.  We’d crossed a line though and I didn’t think it was a line we could uncross. 

I finally got up and got myself ready for the day.  I didn’t have to work, but I didn’t want to stay home.  If I stayed home, there would be a chance my parents would suspect something.  I told myself to act as if nothing had changed, but I was well known for opening my mouth and just blurting out what was on my mind.  It was as if I had no control over my inner monologue. 

“Hey.” I heard Shay’s voice when I came out of my room.  She was walking down the hall towards me, resting her hand on my arm when she got to me.  I really did love my sister.  She’d never been this tender or sweet with me or with anyone that I knew of, but I was glad she was here and I was glad she knew. “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay.”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“I’m not gonna puke anymore if that’s what you’re asking,” I said with a little laugh.

“Have you thought anymore about what you’re gonna do?”

I stood there for a moment before shaking my head.

“I’ve thought about it all night.  I just don’t know the answer yet.”

“Promise me you won’t do anything rash, okay?”

“I promise.”

“I’m getting ready to go up swimming at the lake with some friends.  You wanna come?”

“No.  Thanks though,” I said quietly.

“Want me stay home?  I can.”

“No.  You go have fun,” I told her, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her. “I love you, Shay.”

“Love you too,” she said, hugging me back.

She let go and then bounded down the stairs and as I watched her disappear, I couldn’t help but feel envious of her life: care and worry free.

I was hoping my parents wouldn’t be home when I finally made my way downstairs.  Unfortunately, my dad was there, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper when I walked into the kitchen.

“Feeling better?” he asked, never looking up from the newspaper.

“Yes, thank you,” I answered and it was quiet for a few moments while I poured myself a glass of orange juice. 

“Your mom told the way you spoke to her last night,” he said, setting the paper down and taking a long sip of his coffee.

“I’m sorry, Dad.  I apologized already.”

“Mandy,” he said in a deep, stern voice and I suddenly felt like I was eight years old again. “You are living here out of the kindness of our hearts while you find your way in this world.  However, I assure you, if you continue to disrespect your mother or I the way you did last night, you’ll need to find somewhere else to live.  Do I make myself clear?”

I could feel frustration and hurt boiling in my gut, but I didn’t dare say anything smart to my father.  I just nodded.

“I understand,” I said softly, not bothering to finish my juice.  I suddenly had no appetite.  I dumped the leftover in the sink and then washed and dried my glass before grabbing my purse and walking outside.  I waited for my dad to ask where I was going, but he didn’t and I just got inside my beat up little car, turned the ignition and started driving. 

I didn’t have a destination.  I was just driving because I couldn’t stay home.  I had nowhere to go.  Most of my family lived in Carver, but I obviously couldn’t go to my grandparents’ house or my aunt and uncle’s.  Holly was off taking summer courses and I hadn’t heard much from Riley and Jesse either, not since they’d had a big blowout when we’d all gotten together one night.   I had my suspicions that Brandon was right.  There was definitely something there between Riley and Jesse still, but she wasn’t telling me anything.  It looked like we were all keeping secrets from each other.

Then my mind drifted to Brandon.  I wondered what he was doing and I kept seeing the pained look on his face from last night at the diner.  I hoped he wasn’t too upset.  He probably was though. I knew I’d be if he’d treated me the way I’d treated him.  I couldn’t avoid him forever.

I drove aimlessly for a long time and I think I covered every street in Carver before I eventually found myself pulling into Slate Creek.  I hadn’t been there since that night with Brandon and I parked the car in the same spot I had that night with him and I stared out the windshield for a while, thinking how different it looked in the daylight.  A group of ducks paddled in the water and there were some kids walking across the large slate rocks. 

I stared out for a long time, just looking at the creek and trees and the cloudless sky, not allowing any thoughts to infiltrate my mind.  I wanted to keep my mind clear for as long as I could so I could find a little bit of peace for a few seconds. 

The ringing of my phone interrupted that peace though and when I picked it up, seeing that it was Brandon, I felt like I might be sick again.  I just held the phone in my hand, letting it ring and ring.  I couldn’t pick it up though. I didn’t know what I’d say to him.  I knew I’d have to talk to him, but now was not that time.  The ringing eventually stopped and a few seconds later, my phone lit up with a voicemail indicator.  I debated about listening to it at all.  I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but I did want to hear his voice.  I
needed
to hear his voice.

I punched in my voicemail password and then put the phone to my ear.

Hey. 
His deep voice instantly calmed me, but then there was a pause and I could hear him take a deep breath.
I’m sorry about last night.
  I closed my eyes, feeling the tears come.  He was apologizing to me for doing nothing.
I know you were busy at work and I shouldn’t have bothered you, but I was wondering if we could hang out today, maybe catch a movie or something.  I don’t know what’s playing and I really don’t care.  I just wanna be with you. 
I felt the tears fall now and I wiped them away as I continued to hold the phone to my ear.
So…if you’re up to it, gimme a call, okay?  Alright.  I guess I’ll talk to you later.  Bye.
The phone went silent, but I didn’t want him to go away yet.  I hit replay and listened to the message again, just the sound of his voice making me feel better.  I listened to it a third time and then I finally hung up, tossing the phone onto the passenger seat and then hanging my head, resting it on the steering wheel, sobbing. 

I cried until my body shook and then I took a few deep breaths, forcing myself to stop and regain control of myself.  Crying wasn’t going to do anything.  It wouldn’t fix anything.  Nothing would fix this, but I had to figure out what I was going to do.  This wasn’t something that was just going to go away if I ignored it. 

I thought about what Shay and I talked about.  She told me I had to tell Derek.  Deep down, I knew I did.  He had a right to know.  It was his child too and maybe Shay was right.  Maybe this would change Derek.  Maybe he could help me figure this out. 

Before I could stop myself, I turned the car back on and headed towards Derek’s.