Finding Home (13 page)

“If you’re implying that there’s still something between them, then yeah…I can see your point.  With their history though, it’d be impossible to just forget about everything that happened between them.  That doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen between them now.”

“You’ll notice though that Riley didn’t get in her car and leave when we did.”

“Well, no…but, that doesn’t mean anything.  They were best friends before everything went down between them.  They can be friends.”

“No, they can’t,” he insisted.

“And why not?”

“You can’t have what they had and go through all that and go back to being ‘just friends’,” he said, forming air quotes with his fingers. “Jesse will never get Riley back in the friend zone.  It’s all or nothing with those two.”

“So…” I said, pausing to think how I should word my thoughts. “You don’t think people can be friends after they’ve been in a relationship?”

“Some people can.  Not them though,” he said with certainty.

“What about us?  Do you think we could still be friends if this doesn’t work out with us?”

He was quiet and I turned my head from the road briefly to look at him.  He was staring forward out the windshield into the dark night.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly, reaching over and taking my hand, holding it tightly and I didn’t like the tone in his voice.  While I was loving this thing with Brandon, I couldn’t stand the thought of not having him as a friend if we couldn’t make this work.

“You’re scaring me, Brandon,” I said with a nervous laugh. “I may have to call this off if there’s a chance I might lose you as a friend.”

“There’s no way you’re calling this off.  Not yet anyway.  I’ve haven’t weaseled my way into your psyche deep enough yet.  Pretty soon, you’ll never wanna get rid of me.”

“I’d never wanna get rid of you, Brandon…no matter what happens with us.” I could hear the seriousness in my voice and I meant every word I said.  He just kissed the back of my hand, holding his lips against my skin for a few moments before holding it against his chest as I continued to drive. 

“Why are we talking about this depressing shit?” he said a few moments later. “When it’s right, it’s right and this thing between us, it’s more than right.”

I didn’t know what to say.  I’d never seen Brandon like this.  I’d never seen him need another person the way he seemed to need me, but I was beginning to realize I’d never needed anyone the way I needed him too. 

We drove quietly for a few minutes, holding hands the whole time.  I liked that Brandon and I didn’t have to talk just to talk.  There was never that awkward silence between us.  It was always comfortable.

“Did I mention my parents are out of town?” he asked and I glanced over to him.  He had a smirk and a raised eyebrow and I started laughing.

“I thought we were going to slow things down.”

“I have no ulterior motives, I assure you of that,” he continued with his trademark grin. “It’s just that with you living at home and me living at home, it’s hard to find time to be alone.  It’s like we’re still in high school.” I grinned because it was true.  We were twenty-one and yet neither of us had a place of our own, nowhere we could go just the two of us. “We should get a place.”

I’m pretty sure I nearly drove off the road when those words left his mouth.  I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not.  You could never tell with Brandon.

“Excuse me?”

“Well…not right now, but eventually.  I think you’d really enjoy living with me.  I was told by more than one of my buddies in the army that I was their best roommate.  I can provide references if you need me to.”

I just started laughing again.

“We’ll see about that,” I said as I turned into Brandon’s driveway.

I put the car in park and waited, the engine idling.

“So…are you coming in or what?”

I looked at the dashboard.  It was only nine o’clock and I didn’t want to go home.

“You want me to?”

“I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.  C’mon,” he said, pushing the door open and getting out. 

I didn’t argue.  I just turned off the engine, grabbed my purse and followed him inside.

Thirteen

It was dark when we walked in, but then Brandon flipped on the light.  The house was as perfect as usual and smelled just as nice.

“I love the sound of silence,” he said, shutting the front door behind us. “My mom fawns all over me the second I walk in the door.  She can’t even leave the room without giving me a hug.  It’s nice to just come home and be alone…well, not alone.  You’re here.  You know what I mean,” he said, grinning over to me.

“She only does it because she loves you.”

“I know that.  Doesn’t mean it’s not annoying though.  C’mon.”

He put his hand on my back and led me down the hall into the living room.  I set my purse on the table and sat on the couch.  He flopped down beside me, both of us falling into the crevice of where the cushions met, causing our legs to touch.  He leaned forward, reaching for the remote control on the coffee table and then leaned back next to me.  He flipped it on and pulled up the guide. 

“Any preferences on what we watch?” he asked, looking over to me.

“No.  Whatever you wanna watch is fine.”

He kept scrolling and then settled on reruns of
Criminal Minds
before standing up. 

“I’m gonna make some popcorn.  You want some?”

“Sure,” I said and then he disappeared.  I stared around the room, my heart starting to beat a little faster when it sunk in that we were completely alone.  It was the first time and my mind couldn’t help but drift off to that night up at the cabin.  We hadn’t been alone then and we’d managed to get ourselves into a bit of a predicament.  I blushed just thinking about it.  Luckily Brandon returned a few moments later and I was forced to focus on the present. 

He settled back in beside me, tangling his good leg with mine and he held my hand while eating popcorn with the other one.  It still surprised me how affectionate Brandon was.  Thinking back on the Brandon I’d known growing up, I never would’ve guessed.  He seemed like the type of guy after one thing and that one thing wasn’t a nice cuddle on the couch. 

“You wanna stay here tonight?” he asked suddenly just as the episode was ending.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  Totally serious,” he said and I couldn’t ignore the nerves and excitement brewing inside me. 

“What’ll I tell my parents?” I asked softly.

“I don’t know.  Make something up.”

I didn’t say anything.  Instead, I just nodded and got up from the couch.  I could feel his eyes watching me as I walked across the room and I had to admit I liked knowing he was checking me out. 

I got my phone out of my purse and started texting my parents.  They’d always been strict, but I’d never given them a reason not to trust me, so they didn’t question me when I told them I was sleeping over at Riley’s house.  I felt like a little girl and I wondered if I’d ever feel like a woman around them.  They still treated me like a kid, but as I glanced over to Brandon, I knew by the thoughts swimming around in my head and what I wanted him to do to me, that I was hardly a child.

“Are we all good?” he asked after I put the phone away and made my way back to the couch.

“Yeah.  I told them I was at Riley’s,” I said, sitting down beside him and grabbing a handful of popcorn.

“And they believed you?”

“Of course.  I never lie.”

He just started laughing and he took my hand as we settled in for the next episode.

~~~

I finished up in the bathroom, looking into the mirror at the t-shirt and shorts Brandon let me borrow to sleep in.  I hadn’t come over expecting an overnight stay, so we were making do.  The shirt was too big and the shorts were a little long.  I looked frumpy and I cringed at the fact that this is how I’d be spending my first night with Brandon.  In a perfect world I’d have some cute nightie or something, but this wasn’t a perfect world.  This was a world where Brandon and I were still trying to figure our lives out. 

I was relieved when he told me his mom always kept extra toothbrushes in the linen closet.  Borrowing something to sleep in was one thing, but borrowing a toothbrush or not brushing my teeth at all was definitely not an option. 

I pulled my hair out of the ponytail it’d been in all day and tried taming it as best I could.  It was a lost cause though and I took a deep breath, opening the door and heading back into Brandon’s room.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed in a pair of gym shorts and a white undershirt.  He rarely wore shorts anymore, and my eyes instantly focused on his prosthetic.  I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it.  I sometimes forgot for a few moments that he’d lost his leg in Afghanistan.  He seemed so normal…so like Brandon, so when I saw him sitting there with his prosthetic on, it was as if I was hit in the gut and I had to remember how much Brandon’s life had changed even if sometimes it didn’t seem like it had.

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” he asked, his voice slapping out of my thoughts.

“No,” I said quickly, walking over and sitting beside him. “I’m sorry for staring like that.” I was embarrassed and I hoped he knew I hadn’t meant to be insensitive.

“It’s okay,” he said, resting his hand on my bare knee and it was quiet for a few seconds before he lifted his hand and started doing something with the prosthetic and then I felt my eyes get wider when I realized he was going to take it off.  I don’t know why this made me so sad, but it did.  I think it was because I realized for the rest of his life he would have to do this.  He wasn’t going to get better.  All he could do was press on and make the best of what had happened.  His courage and attitude already blew me away and I had no doubt Brandon would be okay. 

“I think you’re pretty amazing,” I said and he stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me.  I could tell he was embarrassed, but I didn’t care.  He had to know what I thought about him.

“I’m not as amazing as you think,” he said, turning back to what he was doing and a few moments later, the prosthetic was off and my eyes stared down at where his leg used to be.  I didn’t stare long and then I took his hand.

“I wish you wouldn’t be so humble.  I wish you could see what I see…what everyone sees…for what you’ve done for our country.”

“There’s nothing amazing about this, Mandy.  I’m just doing what I have to do,” he said softly, looking down at his leg for a few seconds before meeting my eyes again. “But thank you for thinking I’m something special.”

I knew he wasn’t just talking about now and what had happened to him.  He was talking about our whole lives and I knew exactly how he felt.  There had never been anything special about either of us.  We didn’t stand out in a crowd.  No one had ever lined up to be with us.  He was Brandon, the clown, and I was Mandy, the ditz, but together, I thought perhaps we
were
something special. 

I closed my eyes, forcing myself not to cry and then I opened them and smiled at Brandon, brushing my fingers across his cheek before I kissed him.  It was a simple kiss, sweet and soft, but the way he looked at me when I pulled back, I knew it had been perfect.

I stood up, pulling back the floral comforter, encouraging Brandon to climb under the covers.  He did and then I got in beside him, surprisingly not as nervous as I thought I would be.  He propped himself up on the pillows and then pulled me closer to him so his arm draped over my shoulder.  Reaching over to the night stand, he flicked off the lamp and picked up the remote control.  It went dark, but then the glow of the TV illuminated the room. 

“Do you mind if we watch some TV before bed?  I…I sometimes have to have it on when I fall asleep.” His voice was meek and timid and I knew even though he hadn’t gone into details, he was sharing something with me I knew he hadn’t shared with anyone else, except his mother perhaps. 

“I don’t mind at all,” I said instead.

I felt his arm around me grow tighter and then his fingertips started tickling my arm.  It felt good and I closed my eyes, barely hearing the sound of the TV over the sounds of my own thoughts, thinking how nice it felt to be in Brandon’s arm.  I felt safe and loved and special and I hoped he felt the same way with me.

It didn’t seem long before I felt the grip on my shoulder loosen and his breathing grow long and quiet.  I knew he was asleep and I couldn’t help myself as I carefully moved his arm from my shoulder and sat up, looking down at him.  The lights from the flickering screen seemed to dance across his face, highlighting different aspects of him as the color changed.  His eyes were closed and peaceful, his mouth open just a little as he breathed in and out.  His hair was sticking up a little and I thought it was cute, but I reached up, smoothing it down gently before I focused on his lips again.  Slowly and carefully, I grazed my lips across his, barely pressing down so I wouldn’t wake him, but needing to feel his kiss once more before falling asleep.  I could’ve sworn I felt him kiss me back, but when I pulled back, he was still sound asleep.  I touched his cheek again before curling up beside him. 

~~~

It took me a moment to realize what was going on.  I’d been in a deep sleep dreaming about some sort of nonsense I couldn’t remember and my mind was having trouble pulling itself into the present.  Grunts and soft cries were echoing in my ears and my eyes popped open when I felt my body lurch to the side and I was suddenly fully awake as I nearly fell out of the bed.

The TV was still on and as I scrambled to collect myself, I looked over to Brandon.  His eyes were shut so tightly, lines fanned out on the edges.  His body was thrashing from side to side, his legs kicking under the sheets while his arms flailed around.  He wasn’t saying anything, but he was uttering a mixture of painful sounds as he continued to whip around. 

I just stared at him, tears stinging my eyes and I didn’t know what to do.  Did I wake him? Did I just let him work it out?  I didn’t want to scare him and even though I felt shame at admitting it, I didn’t want him to hurt me if I woke him and he didn’t know where he was.  I continued to stare and his voice started getting louder and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t watch as he relived the horror he’d been through.  He’d already lived it once, he didn’t need to go through it again. 

“Brandon,” I said quietly, shaking his shoulder gently at first, but he just kept tossing and turning. “Brandon!  Wake up, Brandon!” I shouted this time and I shook him harder, holding my breath as I waited for him to wake up.

“Get the fuck off me!” His voice seemed to thunder through the room and he grabbed my wrist, shoving me away from him.

“Brandon!  Stop!  It’s me!  It’s Mandy!” I was shouting at him, trying to speak over his voice. 

His eyes sprung open suddenly and he bolted up, panting heavily.  His eyes were darting around the room and I could tell he was confused.  I could see the sweat on his forehead, glistening from the light of the flickering TV.  He looked scared and I wasn’t sure what to do next. 

“Brandon,” I whispered, nervously reaching my hand over and resting it on his back.  He jumped when I touched him and shirked away. “Brandon.  It’s okay.  It’s me.  Mandy.” I kept my voice low and calm, but he continued to stare off into nothing. I didn’t say anything, I just pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him, wanting him to feel safe with me…needing him to feel safe with me.  He wrapped his arms around me, almost desperately and he clung to me so fiercely, I thought he might never let go.  I held him as tightly as I could and I felt him trembling.  Maybe he was crying, maybe he wasn’t.  I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter anyway.  I just wanted to keep holding him until he didn’t need me to hold him anymore. 

I don’t know how long we stayed like that.  It felt like a long time, but time is irrelevant in situations like this.  His body had been tight and rigid, but then I felt him starting to relax…as if he was letting it all go as he sunk into me, his breath becoming long and slow.

“I…I didn’t hurt you or anything, did I?” His voice was quiet and weak and shaky and I knew that even though he was awake, he was still afraid, but not for himself, but for me. 

“No,” I said quickly, stroking his back in long, smooth motions, my own heart finally slowing down. “You didn’t hurt me, Brandon.” I tried to make my voice as soft and smooth as possible.  I didn’t want him to worry about anything other than himself. 

“I don’t wanna hurt you, Mandy.  I never wanna hurt you, but…when I get like this…I don’t know…I don’t know what I’m doing.  I can’t control what I do when I’m asleep and I’m afraid…I’m afraid I might hurt you.”

“I’m not afraid, Brandon.  You won’t hurt me.” I hoped he could hear the conviction in my voice because it was the truth.  I wasn’t afraid of him. 

“Maybe you should be afraid.”

“No, I shouldn’t,” I pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Are you okay, Brandon?”    

He waited for a while to answer.

“Yeah,” he said finally, lowering his eyes. “Stupid fucking dreams.”

It was quiet between us and I continued rubbing his back, hoping it would bring him some kind of comfort…any kind of comfort. 

“You’re…you are talking to someone about this…aren’t you?  I mean…I know you’re seeing a therapist, but…do they really know what you’re dealing with?  Do you tell them?” I was afraid to ask, but I knew I had to.  I had to know for myself.