Finding Home (16 page)

Seventeen

Derek lived in a little trailer at the edge of town.  He’d moved out of his parents’ house right after graduation.  He never told me much about his home life, but from what I could gather, it hadn’t been good and even though his trailer wasn’t much, I assumed it was better than being at home.

Derek hadn’t gone to college after high school and he now went from job to job.  Sometimes he worked on different farms, cutting wheat in the summer and sometimes he worked at the service station in the middle of town.  When he wasn’t working, he spent his evenings partying or drinking.  He wasn’t one to stay home on the couch and watch movies, which is one reason I never should’ve started seeing him to begin with.  We couldn’t have been more different.  I was more of a homebody while Derek was always looking for a good time.

I wondered if he’d even be home.  When he wasn’t working, he usually didn’t wake up until noon.  It was eleven-thirty now and when I pulled up to his trailer, I saw his old pick-up out front and I figured he probably was home.  I wasn’t sure if I was glad about this or not.  I didn’t want to talk to Derek, but if I didn’t do it now, I’d probably lose my nerve and never tell him.

I turned off the car and made the slow walk to his front door.  I took a deep breath and waited.  I didn’t hear anything after a few moments so I knocked again, louder and longer this time and a few seconds later, I heard footsteps lumbering towards the door. 

It flung open and Derek stood there, squinting as the bright light of the late morning sun hit his eyes.  It was obvious he’d been asleep by the way his blonde hair stuck out all over the place.  He was wearing a pair of boxer shorts and a wife-beater tank top. 

“Well,” he smirked. “You’re about the last person I expected to see on my doorstep.”

“I’m sorry to wake you up, Derek.  I was wondering if we could talk?”

“Be my guest,” he said, stepping aside and motioning me in. 

I walked inside and he closed the door behind us.  I glanced around the inside of the trailer and saw the kitchen was a mess with dishes piled in the sink and last night’s supper still on the stove.  I wasn’t surprised.  I’d often done dishes for him when we were together.  He didn’t seem to care how messy the kitchen was and I don’t think he ever thanked me for helping him. 

I followed him into the living room where he plopped himself onto the small couch, stretching one leg across the cushions while the other stayed on the ground.  I looked away because I could see up his shorts and I knew he’d positioned himself that way on purpose. 

I sat in the arm chair, making sure to keep my eyes on his face.

“What’d you wanna talk about, darlin’?” he asked, that sly smirk still on his face. “Missing this?” He grabbed his crotch for a second and started laughing.  I just rolled my eyes, still disgusted with myself that I had ever bothered with someone like him.  He was such a worthless slouch. 

“Hardly,” I said back and he lowered his leg so I was no longer given a front seat to his package.

“What is it then?” The smirk was gone now and he just seemed annoyed at my presence. 

“I have something to tell you,” I said, my heart starting to pound and I wondered if I’d have the courage to actually tell him. 

“Spit it out then so I can get back to bed.  I didn’t get in till almost four this morning.”

“Um…I went to the doctor yesterday…” My voice trailed off and I tried reading his face.  He didn’t seem the least bit interested in anything I was saying.

“Are you sick or something?”

“No,” I said, taking another deep breath. “I’m…I’m pregnant, Derek.”

I watched as his body tensed and he sat up, his elbows resting on his knees as he leaned forward and his face turned into an angry scowl.  It was quiet for a long time and I wondered what was going through his mind. 

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked finally.

“Because you should know.”

“Why?  It’s not mine,” he said sternly, glaring coldly at me.

“Of course it’s yours.”

“We haven’t been together in months.  I don’t know what you’ve been doing or who you’ve been doing it with, but you might want to be talking to him instead.”

“You’re the only person I’ve been with,” I said, my voice cracking and I prayed I wouldn’t cry in front of him.  I couldn’t seem weak.

“Aren’t you with Brandon Seaver?”

“It’s not Brandon’s,” I shot back. “You’re the only person I’ve been with.  Ever.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” he scoffed. “How easily you spread your legs for me, God knows how many dudes’ve had a turn with you.”

It felt as if he’d punched me in the gut because what he was saying was anything but the truth.  I hadn’t slept with him right away and he knew that.  He also knew I’d been a virgin when we finally slept together and the fact he was implying that I was some kind of slut made me hurt in a way I’d never felt before.

“Shut up, Derek.  You know that’s not true.  You
know
it.” 

“What the fuck do you want, Mandy?”

“I just want you to know because this is your baby.”

“Shit.  I ain’t gonna have no baby!” he shouted and he stood up suddenly, pacing back and forth in a way that made me nervous. “Get rid of it.  Do whatever you gotta do, but I ain’t havin’ no goddamn baby, especially not with some desperate slut like you.  You broke it off with me, remember?  You didn’t need to go and get yourself knocked up to try and trap me.” I couldn’t help it.  The tears came, slow and silent, as his words pierced me like a dagger to the chest. 

“I don’t want this anymore than you do…especially not with an asshole like you.  Knowing I was stupid enough to ever have anything to do with you is punishment enough, but now I’ve got this to deal with too and knowing it’s with you is enough to make me sick.  But, the fact is this has happened and we’ve gotta deal with it.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mandy,” he said, his eyes frantic and cold as he pointed at me. “You’ve gotta deal with this.  Not me.  This is your problem.  Not mine.”

I’d known Derek was an asshole, but I’d never imagined he’d be like this, so cold and heartless and cruel. 

“This is
our
problem,” I said as confidently as I could, but my voice was wavering.

“I’ll give you some money to take care of it if that’s what you’re asking for.”

“That’s not what I’m asking for,” I interrupted. “I want you to help me with this…to help me figure out what to do.”

“There’s no figuring out what to do.  There’s only one option and if you do anything other than that, don’t expect me to be there.  It’s
your
problem.”

I stood up, having to get away from Derek.  I didn’t think our conversation would be great, but this was not what I’d expected at all. I couldn’t stand to be in his presence any longer and I never wanted to be anywhere near him again.

“The biggest mistake of my life was
ever
speaking to you, Derek,” I sneered as I walked towards the front door.

“Same here, bitch.”

I stopped by the door, my hand resting on the knob as I turned around, glaring at him.

“No child should ever have to have a father like you.  You’re a worthless piece of shit,” I said, my voice growing stronger, even though the tears were still coming.

“Get the fuck outta my house!”

I didn’t say anything.  He wasn’t worth any more of my words.  I just opened the door, walked out, got in my car and sped away. 

Eighteen

I couldn’t go home.  I couldn’t go anywhere.  I had nowhere to go and I couldn’t stop crying.  I thought maybe Derek would be there for me.  I thought maybe I wouldn’t have to face this alone, but I’d never felt more alone than I did now, driving around the streets of Carver, endless thoughts racing through my mind.  I wasn’t crying anymore.  I was too numb to cry.  I’d already cried so much. 

I finally pulled the car in front of the small movie theater on Main Street, the same theater Brandon had asked me to go to with him.  I couldn’t think of anything else to do and the solitude of the theater would offer me sanctuary for a little while.  I could hide in the dark and lose myself in a world of fantasy for a little while and not have to face the reality of my life. 

There were only two screens at the theater.  One was showing a new horror film supposedly based on a true story from some place back east and the other was some new comedy.  My life was already a horror story, so I opted for the comedy, even though it’d already been showing for fifteen minutes.  I didn’t care.  I wasn’t really there to see a movie.  I was there to escape.

I got a large popcorn and Coke along with a bag of gummy bears and walked into the dark theater.  I found a seat and for the next hour and a half, I didn’t have to face my life.  When the movie was over, I decided I’d stay for the scary one, even though I’d never been a fan of the genre.  I knew I’d probably have to sleep with the lights on for the next week by the end of the opening scene.  I should’ve gotten up and walked out, but I didn’t.  I didn’t want to leave the darkness of the theater.  I wanted to hide away as long as I could, but when the credits rolled two hours later, I knew I couldn’t stay there any longer. 

It was almost five o’clock when I finally stepped out of the theater.  The sky had been clear when I went in, but it was now gray and overcast and drops of rain were spitting sporadically out of the clouds.  I went to my car and just sat for a few minutes, still having no clue what I should do. 

I finally turned the ignition and decided the only place I could go was home. 

I pulled into the driveway just as my parents were walking onto the porch and I was hopeful they were going out.

“Where’ve you been all day?” my mom asked when I got out of my car.

“I just went to Riley’s,” I lied, but if they suspected anything, they didn’t show it.

“We’re heading to bingo at the church.  Would you like to come?” she asked and for a split second, I thought about saying yes.  I thought it would be nice to do something with my parents before they found out and our relationship was destroyed, but I shook my head instead.  I couldn’t be around them right now.  I’d do or say something stupid and they’d know and I couldn’t have that yet. 

“Thanks, but I think I’ll just hang out here tonight.  Is Shay back?”

“Yes.  She’s practicing her violin,” my dad said as if our conversation in the morning hadn’t happened. 

“Have a good time,” I said, walking past them and climbing the porch stairs as they headed towards their car.

I didn’t wait for them to drive away before opening the door and walking into the kitchen.  I could hear Shay’s violin cascading down the stairs and I poured myself a glass of water, taking in a deep breath when I was done, the constant nervous ball tightening in my stomach.  I needed to relax.  I had to find something to keep myself busy. 

My eyes darted quickly around the house, which seemed so empty, even though I knew my sister was just up the stairs.  Then I focused on the canister of flour on the counter and suddenly banana bread sounded delicious. 

I pulled on my old apron, the same apron Brandon had poked fun at, and grabbed the flour and bananas from the fruit basket.  They weren’t as ripe as I would’ve liked for banana bread, but I didn’t care.  I’d make do.  I opened the Spotify app on my phone and started streaming the Ultimate Country Playlist.  The first song that came on was a Blake Shelton song.  Something about just south of Heaven.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  I just needed noise to fill the silence and block out Shay’s depressing violin. 

It didn’t take me long to have the kitchen a mess.  Bowls and beaters filled the sink and the counter had a fine layer of flower over it.  The banana bread was in the oven and I’d decided to start a batch of snicker doodles.  I didn’t know what I was going to do with this stuff.  Maybe I’d drop it by the nursing home Riley’s grandma lived at.  Regardless of where it ended up, it made the kitchen smell delicious, a delicate combination of banana and cinnamon. 

Just when I thought my sugar therapy was helping me to forget, the doorbell rang.  My stomach dropped when I saw Brandon’s silhouette through the screen and I thought I felt my knees give a little.  I wasn’t ready to talk to him.  I wasn’t ready to end this between us.  I hadn’t thought of how I was going to do it.  I needed more time.  I just stood there and then he knocked.  It was an insistent knock…one that told me he wasn’t going away.  I couldn’t ignore him.  He knew I was home.  He saw my car in the driveway and there was no way he didn’t hear my music and Shay’s violin.

I wiped my hands on the apron and then took it off.  For some reason I didn’t want him to see me in it again.  He’d teased me last time and I didn’t want him to do it again. 

I walked slowly to the front door and then opened it, my heart thundering in my chest.  A knot formed in my throat at the sight of him before I even said anything.  He was standing there, looking serious and determined, but undeniably hot in his jeans and white t-shirt, his light brown hair gelled back.  I instantly looked up into his blue eyes and he looked worried. 

“Hey,” he said, breaking the trance I was in. “I called you earlier.  You never called me back.”

“Yeah,” I said softly, looking down at my feet. “Sorry about that.”

“Why didn’t you call me back?” he asked, not bothering to ask permission as he stepped by me and walked into my house.  I turned, standing there for a few seconds with the door still open before I finally closed it.

“I was going to.  I just got busy,” I said, brushing by him and walking back into the kitchen to check on the banana bread. 

He followed me and stood at the edge of the counter, looking around.

“Smells good in here.  What’s the occasion?”

“I dunno.  I just felt like it.”

“Where’s your apron?”

“I took it off.”

He walked over to where it was draped over the chair and picked it up.

“You look so cute in it though,” he said, handing it to me.  I took it from him, but instead of putting it on, I laid it on the counter as I started scooping snicker doodle batter onto a baking sheet. “When were you gonna call me back?”

He walked over so he was standing so close to me that our bodies were touching.  He smelled good and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember the way he felt beside me and the way he smelled so when he wasn’t here anymore, I’d have it locked in my memories. 

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” he asked a few moments later, after I’d been quiet too long. 

“I’m sorry, Brandon,” I said softly and he reached over, taking the spoon out of my hand and laying it on the counter before he turned my body so we were facing each other.  I felt his fingers brush my cheek and I couldn’t stop my eyes from meeting his. 

“What’s wrong, Mandy?” he asked, his voice low and cautious. 

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Mandy, please talk to me.  I can tell there’s something bothering you.  Everything was fine until yesterday.  Something’s different now.  I can see it in your eyes.”

“I’m fine,” I said sternly.

“No, you’re not,” he insisted and I turned from him, walking away to the oven and pulling the banana bread out before walking quickly to the other side of the counter.  I couldn’t have him so close to me. 

“Why can’t you just leave me alone, Brandon?  When I say I’m fine, I’m fine!” I could hear the sharpness in my voice and I knew Brandon was aware of it too by the way his eyes opened a little wider. 

“What the hell is going on, Mandy?” he said, making his way around the counter so he was in front of me again, taking both of my hands and staring down at me. 

“I’m fine!” I shouted at him, yanking my hands from his grasp.

“Bullshit!” he shouted back, but I just turned my back to him.  He grabbed me by the arm and spun me around, forcing me to look at him. “Dammit!  Talk to me!”  I didn’t say anything, but my lip started trembling and the lump in my throat was burning. “What is wrong with you?” He wasn’t shouting now.  His voice was soft and kind and concerned and when I looked up into his eyes, I could see the worry.  I had to tell him.  He wouldn’t leave me alone until I told him. “Mandy, baby...talk to me.  Please.”

“I’m pregnant,” I said suddenly in a quiet, wavering voice and I felt the grip on my arms loosen as his arms fell to his side.  When I looked at him this time, his face was curled up in confusion.

“What’d you say?” he whispered.

“I’m pregnant, Brandon.”

“But we…we haven’t…” he mumbled and I watched as his eyes darted around nervously while the pieces started coming together for him.

“No.  We haven’t.  It’s Derek’s,” I said through the tightness in my throat.

“Holy shit,” he muttered, running a trembling hand through his hair and he started pacing the floor of the kitchen and then he stopped suddenly. “When?  I mean…how long?”

“I don’t know.  Right before we broke up is my guess.”

“Shit,” he mumbled again and as I watched him trying to figure this whole thing out, the tears started falling silently down my cheeks, knowing I was about to lose him.  His eyes jerked up from where they’d been staring at the floor suddenly and I could see he had tears in his as well.  And then I watched as he crossed the room and was in front of me again.  He didn’t say anything.  He just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.  For the first time since I found out, I felt safe and protected and because of that, every emotion I’d been feeling came flooding out as I began sobbing into his chest.  I could feel my knees growing weak and instead of holding me up, we sunk to the ground together and I curled up into his arms as he rested against the cabinets beneath the counter.  I was shaking I was crying so hard, but he still didn’t say anything.  He just continued to hold me, letting me cry as I clung to him with such fierceness I worried I was hurting him by the way my nails were digging into his arms.  If he was in any pain he didn’t let on.  He just kept holding me until I was so exhausted from the weeping, I had no more tears to cry and then it was quiet, the music from my phone the only sound as I lay in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Brandon.”

“You don’t need to say anything to me, Mandy,” he said, kissing the top of my head.

“I’m so scared,” I whispered, wiping my wet face.

“I know you are,” he said softly into my ear.  “Everything is gonna be okay though.  I promise.”

I could feel the stabbing in my heart as he spoke to me.  I wanted to believe his words, but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t see any way this was going to be okay.  He was so good.  So kind and so sweet and I had to let him go.  I had to free him from this mess that he had no part in.  

I lay in his embrace on the kitchen floor a few minutes longer, closing my eyes, trying to memorize how it felt to be in his arms.  I’d just gotten used to it and now it was over. 

After a long while of just lying in his arms on the floor in silence, I knew I couldn’t let this go on any longer.  I pushed myself up and then held my hand out to Brandon, helping him up.  I knew it wasn’t easy for him to get up and down and he took my hand, the feeling of his so warm against mine as he got to his feet.  A second later, he stood above me, running his hand over my hair and then I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and I realized there was no more violin music filling the house, just the music from my phone.  I looked over and saw Shay standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking between Brandon and me with wide eyes.

“You okay, Mandy?” she asked and I just wiped my face again and nodded.

“Yes.  Please give us a minute,” I said and I knew Shay didn’t want to leave, but she did and then my attention was back on Brandon.

“Does she know?”

“Yes,” I said quietly.

“Does Derek know?” he asked and I swallowed hard, trying not to remember the conversation we’d had.

“He does.”

“How’d he take it?”

I just laughed a little because I didn’t know what else to do.

“He doesn’t want anything to do with it.  He wants me to get an abortion.”

I saw him close his eyes tightly for a moment and then he sighed.

“I’m so sorry, Mandy,” he said and then paused for a moment. “Do you know what you’re gonna do?”

“No, I don’t.” I turned away from him and walked over to the banana bread I’d taken out of the oven, taking it out of the bread pan and setting it on the cooling rack.  When I was done, I turned around, meeting his eyes again. “I’ll figure it out,” I said and then I paused, breathing in, trying to gather my courage. “This…this has nothing to do with you, Brandon.  You have your own life…your own problems right now.  We both…we both have some serious stuff to deal with and…and I need to figure this out on my own.”