Finding Home (25 page)

~~~

We laid in our bed, naked with the thin sheet barely covering us and we didn’t care because no one was going to walk in on us.  This was our room and that knowledge lowered my inhibitions to a point of comfort I’d never felt with Brandon, but one that I knew would only grow the longer we were together. 

It’d taken us a while to catch our breath after what we’d just finished doing, but now our breathing was calm and we were quiet as we lay in each other’s arms.

“I could get used to this,” he said, breaking the silence and I smiled.

“Well, you’d better because you’re kinda stuck with me.”

I heard him laugh lightly and his chest bounced a little as my cheek rested on it and the room was quiet again.  My eyes were growing heavy from lack of sleep the night before and exhaustion from all the work today.  I was looking forward to sleep tonight because I knew it would actually come. 

“Mandy?” His soft voice broke through my foggy mind.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got an appointment in Wichita tomorrow.  Will you come?” His voice was timid and nervous and I sat up, looking down at him.  I could see his face by the light from outside and he seemed pained, his eyes looking away from me.  I knew it had been hard for him to even ask me, but I felt honored he wanted me there.  So much had been about me lately and he needed me as much as I needed him.

“Of course I will, as long as you come with me to my ultrasound appointment on Friday.”

“I was hoping you’d ask me.”

“Well, I am.”

“You know I’ll be there.”

I smiled, leaning down, my chest pressing against his as I kissed him on the cheek, drawing his eyes back to mine.  He looked relieved and he craned his neck up, brushing his lips over mine before I laid my head on his chest again, his arm wrapping around me, pulling me closer to him.  I closed my eyes and it didn’t take long for both of us to fall asleep.  Perhaps it was just a fluke or maybe I actually had something to do with it, but Brandon slept peacefully all night, not one frightened stir, only waking in the morning when the sun spilled through the window, his eyes opening and he smiled because I was there.

Twenty-Seven

I did my best to hold it together the next day.  The appointment he invited me to was a group session.  It wasn’t even a real appointment.  It was more of a get together for people in his group.  Most everyone had brought someone with them and I was honored Brandon had asked me to come.  I sat beside Brandon, listening to the stories being shared and it struck me how many people were going through the same thing Brandon was.  There were woman holding their husbands at night who were fighting the same demons Brandon fought every day.  What struck me even more though was the strength in that room.  Every soldier in that group had lived their own horrors, but they were all surviving one day at a time.  I felt on the verge of tears the whole afternoon and I was humbled as we walked out of the VA hospital and headed back to Carver.

“Thank you for today,” I said as we drove down the turnpike.

“Why are you thanking me?  It’s me that should be thanking you for coming.”

“It means a lot that you’d want me there.  I didn’t even know you participated in group therapy.”

“It’s hard to talk about sometimes,” he said and his honesty brought me some comfort.  He’d been so guarded about what the accident had truly done to him and I didn’t mean physically.  Brandon hadn’t wanted to appear weak.  I knew he still feared that, but he had to know he was the strongest person I knew.

“I know it’s hard for you,” I said softly, resting my hand on his leg as we drove. “But, thank you for talking to me about it.” He just patted my hand that was resting on his leg and then slid his hand under mine, intertwining our fingers. “I didn’t realize it’d be like that.”

“Like what?”

“So sad.”

“I guess I’m just used to it, but yeah…to an outsider, it might seem like that.  It’s our lives though.”

I wondered if I’d been insensitive by the silence that settled in the truck.

“You didn’t seem to like counseling when we spoke about it,” I said cautiously.

“I don’t like it,” he answered quickly. “But sometimes it helps…knowing I’m not the only who struggles sometimes.”

“You just seem so strong all the time, like nothing’s wrong.”

“Because that’s what I want.”

“But, are you okay?”

“Yeah…I’m as good as I can be.  I’m better than I’ve been in a long time.” He glanced from the road to smile at me for a second and I knew what he meant.  I was the reason for his good mood.

“It’s all been about me lately.  I just want to make sure you know I’m here for you.”

“I know that.  I do, Mandy.”

“I hope you’re not mad,” I began hesitantly. “But, the other night…at your parents’ house, I saw some pills for you in the medicine cabinet.”

“They’re to help with the PTSD.  It’s supposed to keep me calm.”

“Do you think it helps?”

“What do you think?” he asked.

“I think whatever you’re doing is working because you’re pretty amazing, Brandon.”

I watched as he smiled, kissing the back of my hand again.

“Then yeah…it helps,” he said, a smile spreading on his face. “Now, we need to do something about getting a couch.”

I started laughing as he exited towards Carver and for the first time since he’d come back from nearly losing his life, I thought without a doubt, he would conquer the demons that had followed him home. 

Twenty-Eight

I worked the next couple of days while Brandon focused on the apartment.  We’d stopped at a consignment shop outside of town and found a cute little couch for a hundred bucks.  When we saw it, we both knew it would fit perfectly in our small living room.  I’d already thought of the type of slip cover I’d get for it and the decorations I’d eventually add to finish off the space.  Brandon was determined to have furniture in every room in our small place before I returned from my shift.  I had no doubt he’d get it done too.  I had a feeling Melissa would help with that though.  He’d mentioned they might go shopping and I was fine with that as long it made them both happy. 

I was anxious to see what they’d done to the apartment when I got home.  It was nearly six o’clock and I’d ordered us each a bacon cheeseburger and fries from the diner.  The cook boxed them up for me and after waving to my co-workers, I walked out to my P.O.S. to head home.  I stopped when I got to my car, staring curiously at the windshield and the piece of folded paper tucked under the wiper.  I set the boxes with the burgers on the top of the car and grabbed the paper, opening it up to see hastily scrawled black               ink:
Stop ignoring me.  Is it taken care of yet?
   

I crumpled up the paper, stuffing it into my purse and then grabbing the burgers and getting into the car.  I hadn’t heard from Derek since he’d confronted me that night at the diner and I wasn’t about to deal with him now.  Maybe if he actually wanted to sit and have a civilized conversation about what I was going to do, I would talk to him, but he didn’t want to hear anything unless it was what he wanted me to do.  I just turned on the car and headed home.

Home.  I guess my home was the little apartment I shared with Brandon now.  I hadn’t been to my parents’ house since the night they kicked me out.  I’d already gone through the clothes Shay had packed in the duffle bag and I’d done a load of laundry at the Seaver’s house, but I wanted to get my things.  I wanted to talk to my parents.  I wanted them to forgive me. 

I found myself turning right when I should’ve turned left, guiding myself to my old street.  I could see my house in the distance and I slowed the car down, inching by it.  The lights were on and I knew they were probably eating dinner or had just finished.  I imagined Shay doing the dishes or upstairs playing her violin while my parents finished up with the kitchen clean up.  Silent tears streaked down my face as I focused on my house and for a moment, I completely stopped the car, staring at the front door wanting to run up, swing it open and demand to know how they could treat me like this.  I wanted to ask them how they could just throw their daughter away.  I didn’t though.  I just sat there a few moments longer before wiping my eyes and then pushed on the accelerator, not wanting to look at it another second.

I got myself together by the time I got to our apartment and Brandon’s truck was outside.  Knowing he was inside instantly gave me some comfort and the sadness I’d felt earlier looking at my house was dampened and I put it behind me as I grabbed our burgers and headed inside.

I stopped in my tracks when I opened the door and stepped inside, focusing on the little couch we’d bought.  Brandon was sitting on it, his arms outstretched on the back cushions and a wide grin on his face.  Beside the couch were two end tables with cute wrought iron lamps.  My eyes then moved to a little table in the kitchen and a TV hanging on the wall.

“You’ve been busy today,” I finally said, shutting the door behind me.

“I have,” he said, standing up and walking over to me. He kissed me and then took the bag holding the burger boxes out of my hand and set them on our new table.

“This place is really coming together,” I said, joining him in the kitchen and pulling out two of the new glasses from the set we’d picked up at Wal-Mart and filling them with water.

“It’s almost livable,” he grinned, taking the burgers out of the bag and putting them on a plate for each of us.

“How’d you get it all done?” I asked as we sat down across from each other.

“My mom and I went back to the consignment shop and found the table and end tables.  I bought the TV.  I didn’t wanna hang any pictures up or anything.  That’s kinda your thing.”

“Thanks for leaving that to me,” I said honestly. 

“I even had a chance to go by the college and meet with my advisor.” The smile on his face was a proud one and the one that spread on my face was just as proud.

“Really?” I exclaimed and he nodded.

“I registered for my classes in August too.”

“That’s great, Brandon,” I said, reaching across the table and taking his hand. “Have you decided then what you’re gonna do?”

“Not really.  I’m gonna get my general courses out of the way while I figure it out.”

“Any ideas though?” I prodded.

“I think I’m leaning towards computer science or information systems.  Something like that.  I got a taste for it in the army.  I’ll take a couple of courses and see how I like it.”

“That’s great, Brandon,” I said, squeezing his hand before I took a bite of my burger.

“How was your day?” he asked.

“Another day.  Glad to be home though and I’m even gladder to have a place to eat this wonderful dinner I slaved over.”

He just laughed and took a bite. 

It didn’t take us long to finish dinner and Brandon insisted he clean up while I took my traditional after work shower.  I didn’t stay in long.  I didn’t want to waste time in the shower while I could be snuggling with Brandon on the couch, especially since we had a TV now.  Wrapping myself in a towel, I went into our bedroom to change, only to find Brandon lying on the bed, waiting for me.  He was stretched out, his hands behind his head.  I felt my cheeks flush at the sly smile on his face when I walked in. 

“What’re you doing?” I said with a small laugh. 

“Just thought I’d enjoy the show.”

“No show here,” I grinned.

“C’mon,” he groaned. “Not even a peek?”

I just shook my head, unable to stop the smile from growing on my face.  Still clutching the towel, I went to my bag and pulled out my clothes.  Turning my back to Brandon, I slid on my underwear and then my yoga pants. 

“You’re a very cruel woman, Miranda,” he sighed from behind me, but then I grabbed my t-shirt, dropping the towel and turning around to face him just long enough to give him a quick peek before sliding it over my head. “That’s all I get?” he exclaimed.

“For now,” I laughed and then went over to the bed, lying down beside him.  He wrapped his arm around me and I started tracing my fingertip over his t-shirt.

“I like this,” he said softly.

“Me too.”

It was quiet for a few moments as I continued to move my finger over his chest while he started playing with my hair.  I could get used to this…to coming home to Brandon every night.  Something told me he could get used to it too.

“I’m nervous about tomorrow,” I said suddenly, thinking about the ultrasound appointment.

“I know you are.  I am too.”

“I guess I don’t know how I’ll react…how I’m gonna feel.”

“It’ll be okay,” he said gently, kissing me on the head. “And I’ll be there and we’ll deal with it tomorrow, but I know you’ll be alright.”

“I wish I had the faith in myself that you always have in me,” I said, propping myself up so I was looking down at him.  I reached up, brushing some hair off his forehead.  I don’t think he’d had his haircut at all since he got home and I liked the little waves that had formed as it grew.

“You’re stronger than you think, Mandy,” he said, smiling up at me as he ran his fingertips across my cheek. “You’ll realize that someday.”

“I hope so,” I sighed, resting my head back on his chest.

“You will,” he said and it was quiet for a few moments while I closed my eyes and focused on his touch on my skin.  If only everything could be as simple as this. 

“Do you think I’m a horrible person, Brandon?” I asked suddenly and I felt Brandon adjust himself so my head rested on the pillow and he was looking down at me. 

“Where is this coming from?”

I didn’t answer him right away.  Instead, my head tilted to the side and I looked across the room into nothing.  It was easier than looking in his eyes.  I felt his finger under my chin, turning me back to him. 

“You know I don’t think that.  Why would you ask me that?”  

“I just wonder what you think about me for the decision I’ve made…about giving the baby up for adoption,” I asked, my voice low and worried.

“Well, I don’t think you’re horrible, that’s for damn sure,” he said sternly and the way he smiled at me made me smile too. “It’s selfless.”

“You think so?”

“Of course I do.”

“I actually think I’m being selfish,” I said and I felt the beginnings of a lump burning in my throat. “I mean…I should raise my own child, shouldn’t I?”

“You’re doing what’s best for the baby.  That’s the definition of selfless.”  He leaned down, brushing his lips over mine and when he pulled away slowly, I could see the nerves in his eyes.  “If you’re thinking about changing your mind though…we could make it work…if you wanted…if you wanted to keep the baby.”

“I know,” I said, reaching up and resting my palm against his cheek. “You’ve been amazing…through all of this.  I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” I paused for a moment, wishing there was some way I could convey to him how I really felt about him and how grateful I was to him, but I knew there was no way I could make him understand. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I pulled him down until our lips were nearly touching.  “Thank you, Brandon…for everything.”  And before he could answer, I pushed my lips to his, slow at first, wanting him to feel what I felt for him, but then I pulled him closer, my lips nearly crushing his as my hands moved under his shirt and over his back.  He did the same, his fingers running over my skin and touching me so his lips moved just as forcefully over mine and when we were finished, I was certain Brandon knew exactly how I felt about him.